Hi Chekhov! I've been working many miles from home for a year now. Before that, I was away from home for school for 5 years. When I started working, it finally hit me that I actually missed the idea of home. My friends, even my family (I have some problems with them, which motivated me to not return, but I still cherish them). I just feel very isolated now. Do you ever feel homesick?
Hey! Thanks for being patient. I know I took a long time to answer this. I was thinking of how to explain it.
My gut reaction was actually to say “No, I’m sorry. I actually don’t ever get homesick.” Because… the truth is, I kind of don’t. I am one of those people that doesn’t… miss people?
Sounds weird? Yes, maybe. I’m not sure how else to explain it. I am very much a fan of people, in general. And I have many people I love. But I don’t really experience the hallmark version of “homesickness” that I am familiar with.
HowEVER, upon re-reading your ask, I think I might understand what you’re going through, despite being so negative at the onset.
Let’s take it from the top.
When I was 10, my mother and I moved from our home country (Russia) to America to live there. It was my first big international flight. It was my first trip to America. I was excited, as only 10 year olds could be, because most 10 year olds lack the necessary foresight to realize what a big fucking change this was going to be.
It was a fun thing for me.
And then, for the next 3 months it WASN’T fun as the real-world consequences of living 8,784 kilometers away from my grandparents, having to learn English, and going to school with kids who all thought my accent was funny (but not in a good sort of way) all crashed down on me.
So, in a way, I was homesick.
Ok, I was just… homesick. I came home from school, curled up under my desk and cried.
Obviously, this did not last forever. Eventually I adjusted.
But, I think because of my crash-course in separating myself from the experience of bone-crushing isolation, my view of what was “normal” became skewed. For example, I knew (in theory) that it was normal to see your relatives fairly often. However, since we only saw ours every 4-5 years I grew accustomed to just NOT having people I liked in my life.
(I’m going somewhere with this, I promise, stay with me.)
Anyway, that thing you said… ? About not being on great terms with family? I GET that. I get it HARD.
When I finally left for college to live alone, it was almost entirely motivated by my desire to escape those issues. To me, being by myself was not a scary adult growing up experience. Running away and being alone was just the most logical solution to the problem.
At that time, I moved to be about an hour away from my parents. I rarely visited. I felt no desire to. I felt alone, and that was just a relief and nothing short of it.
In fact, I took this a step above and fled to ANOTHER country, because obviously the entertainment of not being able to speak, read or write the language of the country you’re living in is just irresistible.
And I thought “damn, I’m a pro at this!”
I was so used to the concept of being alone and out of my element that honestly, I never even considered it a real problem.
But the fact that I didn’t feel the strain of isolation doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on me.
I think I had psyched myself up for being such an untouchable person that I forgot to actually look back and check whether I was as tough as I imagined myself to be.
Because to be honest, yes.
And the problem is… I don’t know where ‘home’ is anymore.
And this didn’t start when I got to Japan. I felt this way in America… and I felt this way in Russia, every time I went to visit. There was a tugging sense of not belonging… And the realization, at the same time that, even if I DID go back to the place I wanted to be, I could never feel “at home” there either.
In fact, I think “homesickness” is not longing for a place as much as a time.
Maybe we have fond memories of home. The feeling of loneliness is the byproduct of us remembering good things. It’s not something that’s a function of being in a different place as much as it is just a product of… growing up. Changing. Realizing that things are complicated, and wishing to go back to a time when things were LESS complicated. It’s a defense mechanism.
I think I stopped feeling homesick again when I realized that home will never be a place I can actually go back to - at least, not physically.
It can only be something that I can go to through a photo album. Or when I’m laying in bed and, thinking, before I open my eyes “that sounds just like our summer house in Siberia…” and feeling my heart jump to my throat right before I force myself to remember I’m not there anymore. Or when I lay back in the grass and look up at the sky so I can’t see the edges and think “I don’t know where I am right now.”
(that’s my grandpa! this is an important photo for me. the feeling of this photo is not something i can feel again if I end up in front of that window. It’s a small fragment of ‘home’ lost in time, untouchable except in my memory.)
I suppose the important thing that I got from all of this (and I’m not saying you have to think about it that way!) is that home is just a place in your mind, and you can visit it whenever you want.
And as for the feelings of loneliness and homesickness? They’re VALID! They’re normal and honestly, you SHOULD feel them! It means you have good, safe memories to go back to.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Even if your relationship with your family is complicated, it’s ok to miss them. It’s ok to feel isolated. It’s hella stressful, and you are understandably going through a lot of stuff!
Whatever happens from now on, you are HERE and you can make NEW memories and make a new home. And maybe sometime down the line, you’ll think back to NOW and think of that as home.
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