[nitroqenss]

You darken my sun

You brighten my sins

- dichotomy

[nitroqenss]

I never think of you

But I know who I would choose

If the earth split in half

To not trust my heart

~ I would rather die in the flames than choose

[nitroqenss]

When I reach the church doors and I hear the screams

I no longer know what’s expected of me

Burning alive under a veil of night

These girls have all but lost their might

[nitroqenss]

“My Mother always told me, one day someone would see through the concrete walls you replaced your skin with.

And they wont see through your rose tinted glass, nor soot stained windows, but straight into your strained soul.

But how do i tell my mother, there was nothing in my soul but dying roots and frayed ties. Bloodshot corneas and smashed glass. Not a picture of ideality by any man kind.”

[nitroqenss]

“she’s amazing, I said.

she’s just such a cool mum, I said.

Remember you have your own mum, my dad said.

But that’s the thing, you see. That’s the problem.

I could never tell my mum that I’d got my period, and that I was only 13 and didn’t have any money to buy pads and I was bleeding through my clothes. Because I just couldn’t.

I could never tell my mum how my best friend had tricked me into sending nudes to a boy because she said she would as well, and then didn’t, and I was only 14.

I could never tell my mum about my first sexual experience and that it was with one of my best male friends, and that he wanted more than I could give him, at only 15.

I could never tell my mum about the time I nearly lost my virginity, and that it was with an older guy, and how it wouldn’t go in. That he left me soon after that, and I was only freshly 16.

I could never tell my mum about the time I eventually lost my virginity, drunk, to a friend of a friend who also happened to be drunk, and he didn’t know it was my first time. I know first times are meant to be painful but, I was only 16.

I could never tell my mum about the time a friend pulled my into a bathroom and pulled my trousers down, and proceeded to have sex with me. The thing is I’d drunk half a bottle of vodka, he hadn’t. His girlfriend wasn’t at that party, and I was only 16.

I could never tell my mum about all the times I’ve curled into the corner of my room and wished nothing but death upon myself, and that I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. I was only 17 and I already wanted my life to cease.

I could never tell my mum about the stashes of empty alcohol bottles in my room from all the times I needed feeling in my limbs, or the first time I did drugs to try and alleviate the numbness in my head. Because she wouldn’t listen. And I was only 17, and I couldn’t even legally drink yet.

I could never, you see. “

~I guess you could say blood isn’t thicker than water

[nitroqenss]

“I secretely hope one day you’ll be the boy who’s name I can’t quite remember who I reminisce about to my grandchildren

The boy who changed my life and my mind in more ways than one and yet we drifted so far apart we lost each other in the static

Even though I know exactly your name, and your favourite colour and your old house number and the way your clothes used to smell after a couple wears

but you were always best staying exactly where we left off”

[nitroqenss]

“But I remember exactly where I was when I first heard this song, intoxicated beyond my bodies limits and twisted between a countless amount of other arms and legs, and I’d locked eyes with the most façade of a man you’d ever seen, the kind of man most people had only merely wished of meeting, the kind that sparks a danger to live and the ends of your fingers to rage with forest fires. He looked at me with this certainty that I wouldn’t always be trapped in this cage of admiration and validation, and I suddenly found myself staring beyond the mangled pile of forgotten souls and for once in my lifetime I felt myself being removed from reality, within but without”

oh father tell me

[nitroqenss]

“you’re the reason whenever I now look at mirrors, the corners crack and flowers curl into their ever timely death”

I don’t know what reality feels like anymore

[nitroqenss]

“is it a lie to tell someone you’ll always love them

Right before you end, always”

~the truth scars harder than false pain

[nitroqenss]

“sometimes I think I miss you,

but I just miss having someone to talk to”

[nitroqenss]

I forgot what it’s like to rely on you

all I know is that I want you

and I know I’m fucked when your name starts to sound like suicide

and you told me the story of how you pulled out your eyes

cause you didn’t wanna see the world and all it’s lies

-codeine on a thursday

[nitroqenss]

“You kept on pushing and pushing me, like a broken down car trying to start up again, but I wouldn’t budge.

And when I finally spiralled down, from all the pushing and shoving, you stood back and acted like you’d never touched me”

[nitroqenss]

“Do I want to live, no.

Do I deserve to live? That’s a whole other answer”

[nitroqenss]

“Be the bitter end to my existence”

-please

[nitroqenss]

“When our eyes meet, like when we were young and naive and unaware of the dangers of our emotions, I don’t see the same warm heartache that once spread through my veins.

But poison and stormy skies and all I can wonder is, why?”

-who turned you inside out

[nitroqenss]

“you’ll never mean anything to me

as long as there’s someone in my bed every night and a body to delve myself into

The truth is you’ll never mean anything to me

Because when I wake up at the crack of dawn and you’re gone along with the memories of the night before

I seek solice in the demise of myself

And when I can have someone who will give me a false sense of hope till the morning light

You’ll never mean anything to me”

[nitroqenss]

“The things is, once you left

All I could taste were shards of broken glass

Cutting my cheeks and snapping my teeth

It was a bitter reminder of the pain you laced my unfortunate existence with

And now I have the scars to prove it”

-excerpt from a book I’ll never write