the information I have amassed over the years of why bangel is the way it is is because first xander was going to be the love interest (ew) and angel was ambiguous but maybe going to be an actual angel but the network forced joss to make angel a vampire because they knew vampire romance would be very successful - joss being a narcissist exists in black and white - good people are good no matter their actions and bad people are bad no matter their actions so being forced to make angel a vampire when he was supposed to be a good guy made him big mad (he’s been quoted many times that he wanted demons and vampires to just be evil and ugly aka not desirable at all) but he’s like ugh fine whatever and thus the episode Angel is born and the whole “vampire with a soul” shit happens but it appears to be a one and done thing we’re into each other but this is a horrible idea so I’m going to stay away from you now.
End of season 1 setting up xander as the love interest with his threatening angel into helping him save buffy and the whole “I can’t do it I have no breath” which is so inaccurate I can’t even but basically like angel being a vampire can’t be what buffy needs, xander is who she needs to which the network was like ABSOLUTELY NOT this fucking obnoxious loser cannot be the love interest for buffy which is beyond hysterical that joss created buffy just to be able to force the popular girl to be with his self insert character and even in a universe he created he was still denied so now even more big mad because they’re pushing for angel to be the main love interest which is why there is such a stark tone shift between angel himself and bangel between seasons 1 & 2.
So bangel 2.0 he’s like FINE I will give you your vampire romance but it is going to be CREEPY AS HELL and I’m going to create the perfect metaphor for what it’s like to be a victim of an older man who manipulates you into giving him what he wants and then completely discarding you. Suddenly angel shows up in her room and follows her even more and is like “what are we, I miss you” when they both agreed they shouldn’t date yet now suddenly that is gone with zero discussion. The creepy age gap is brought up constantly - when angel is jealous of xander but dismisses buffy saying that by saying “xander is just a kid” and Buffy is literally like wait does that mean IM just a kid??? AND ANGEL LITERALLY RUNS AWAY INSTEAD OF ANSWERING and buffy herself says angel treats her like a child and then we see the HORROR SHOW flashbacks of angel seeing 15 year old sucking on a lollipop Buffy and crying in her bathroom and he’s all dirty and disgusting in the bushes like:
bangel was supposed to end with buffy getting to kill her abuser and send him to hell UNTIL I only have eyes for you and apparently david acting like a woman has joss being like “GET THIS MAN HIS OWN SHOW!!!!!!” so instead of angel staying dead/in hell where he belonged he had to be brought back and now we have bangel 3.0 for season 3
Suddenly they are tragic doomed soulmates??????????? Because now Angel can’t be Buffy’s creepy manipulative predatory abusive older boyfriend because now he’s a hero who is going to have his own show! So now bangel is all about abstinence and resisting temptation/everything that faith is that buffy lowkey was to a much lesser extent for the last two seasons and angel being this killing machine who is such an artist with how he tortures people and this awful beast who reallllyyyy wants buffy and wants to hurt people but he’s being soooooooo strong and resisting and isn’t he so amazing and strong for leaving buffy “for her own good” and let’s ignore it’s happening right as she’s turned 18 and about to graduate from high school and it happens IN A SEWER - and now we have the added lore drop in s3 that he fell in love with her at first sight at FIFTEEN
Joss was most involved in btvs writing during seasons 1-3 his focus was split after that but his writing has the worst “telling instead of showing” of the whole show and bangel is one of the worst instances of that so much of their relationship is rushed and completely unearned that anyone who isn’t a 13 year old with a massive crush on david and likely daddy issues watching it has the same response op has which is “is this supposed to be romantic???? THESE are soulmates????” He told the audience what was happening even if it went completely against what seasons of behavior established and there are many such instances.
He did a similar 180 with spuffy he hated spike hated spuffy so season 5 spike is suddenly way creepier than we have ever seen him be with the “buffy” mannequin, the shrine, the bot, all of crush etc because again he’s giving the network and audience what they want - vampire romance - but he’s trying to make it creepy and unenjoyable (he thought making spike a sad pathetic lover boy poet would make us like him less 💀 showing how much he DOES NOT understand the female gaze) but he didn’t understand what all of spike’s BEHAVIOR was telling us and didn’t understand we had no problem with the idea of our heroine with a soulless anti hero/morally grey vampire who is completely obsessed with her and so pathetically in love with her because spike has NEVER treated her like a child, has always respected her intelligence and skill and seen her as a worthy adversary who should be feared, their chemistry is insane and sarah and james are two of the best actors on the show and them together is MAGIC
Of course his cause wasn’t helped when they accelerated his redemption because of the “is btvs gonna end with season 5 and buffy dead” fake out he wanted to do because he’s always going to choose the most dramatic option vs the characters being grounded and authentic. But so we get season 6 and we’re supposed to be like oh this is soooo bad buffy is having soooo much crazy sex and neglecting dawn and her friends bad buffy! But instead we’re like omg poor buffy is in so much pain and spike is the only one who can help her and she hates herself for it ugh I wish she could just love him openly and get what she needs from him without shame or needing to hide it which is what leads to the ultimate retaliation aka seeing red because joss wanted spike to get a soul because joss accepted all the way back in season 2 that spike was too popular to be killed off and spuffy is INCREDIBLY popular so just like profiting off of david and abandoning his previous stance he does the same with spuffy - spike has a soul now so it’s ok! And suddenly joss is being quoted as “loving spuffy even if that’s not popular it can be just for him” pretending like it was all his idea and no one else saw the brilliance that is spuffy except him and we’re back to abstinence and spike having these uncontrollable killing sprees that only buffy can be trusted to put a stop to but thankfully even though joss reheated his bangel nachos for season 7 spuffy all the other FAR more talented writers had been COOKING in the kitchen for years so everything lands better because it’s all actually fucking EARNED and buffy taking care of spike isn’t the same as her taking care of angel because angel never stopped being her grooming, abuser, stalker but spike was always her shadow and a representation of her “otherness” so loving and caring for him showed how much she had learned to love and care for herself unapologetically even if everyone else went against her.
So VERY long story short bangel was never meant to be romantic it was firstly never meant to be and then it was supposed to be a creepy anti fairy tale “I kiss you you don’t wake up - when you kiss me I want to die” cautionary tale until season 3 when they started gaslighting the shit out of all of us and unfortunately the season 3 narrative is the one that was upheld about buffy and angel for the entire rest of the series and beyond and many fans still buy it to this day and get really really mad and defensive when you point out that it is NOTHING like what they think it is 💀😭
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