I Screamed! ..because I Didn’t Know What Else Do.

Chiyo/Chris. 20’s. Queer! A blog to keep resources and research for self dx. Feel free to talk to me! I follow back from my main, yusukekitagawa-san. Self dx’d autistic black gal, trying to figure things out! ❤️ ~SpIns that I am Currently engaging with~ *King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard *Sound Chips from older systems such as the 2A03 *Chinese Period Dramas *Crochet ❤️ ~SpIns that i will always be down to talk about for hours~ *Earthbound *Chrono Trigger *Music Theory (and specifically how it relate to video game music) *Video Game Music in general *The Xeno Series *Evangelion *Video Games in General but mostly Nintendo and JRPGS ❤️ ~SpIns that i used to be into very hard but not so much anymore. Will still have a veeeery long conversation about them~ *Kpop *Kpop videos, the aesthetic behind them and the concepts *Homestuck *Space but mostly Star and Black Holes *Natural Disasters *Creepypasta Thanks for following! Talk to me anytime, I love to ramble and listen to rambling!

[neospacegov]

Going outside with autism/adhd like *feels all the bushes* *stops to look at a bug* *reads all the signs out loud* *stops to look at a bug* *stops to look at a bug* *feels all the bushes* *stomps on a leaf* *reads all the sign ou

[mewichigogamer-deactivated20201]

[neospacegov]

KARL MARX??

[mewichigogamer-deactivated20201]

OH MY GODHFD i DIDN'T MEAN TO ADD AN IMAGE MY MISTAKE

[ablednt]

When you learn you have a ND disorder or mental illness (whether you self diagnosed or were told about it by a therapist) you'll see a lot more signs/traits in yourself than you did before because you know why you exhibit those traits now

This doesn't mean you're faking it

This doesn't mean it's "getting worse"

This DOES mean that you're still going through the process of understanding yourself and your diagnosis better

This DOES mean that you need to be more patient with yourself and focus on self care and positivity

I promise things will feel normal again soon <3

[ablednt]

Your shitty mother isn't a narcissist. Your toxic ex isnt a psycho. You were not a victim of "bpd abuse". Your abuser was not sociopathic and did not have antisocial personality disorder/was not antisocial. People with harmful and illogical opinions such as government leaders aren't delusional.

Start finding vocabulary that isn't ableist here are some examples of more accurate and less harmful descriptions.

"My mother is conceited and self centered, which impacts me negatively still and led to abuse"

"My ex is violent and seems out of control a lot, and they've traumatized me through their abusive behavior"

"My abuser [describe their actions without mentioning their bpd bc its not what fucking makes some one abusive . that would be like saying "my abuser had depression....I am a victim of depressed abuse and distrust those with depression now because they're abusive" ]

"My abuser didn't have any sympathy or compassion for others and objectified me."

"My abuser lashed out at others and was always very cold and distant to me."

"They're willfully ignorant and hiding behind their privilege."

[ablednt]

Gonna be blocking some ppl in the notes trying or start debates despite breaking my DNI and thinking slurs don't exist later

But friendly reminder that you don't get to fucking say what is or isn't ableism towards a group of people that you aren't in.

Also I understand that when you're an abuse survivor you want to find any vocabulary that makes people take you seriously, and people take you more seriously if you can take advantage of an abusers mental illness or use terms that are referring to a mental illness. But that's still blatant ableism and it hurts entire communities. You cannot justify your bigotry with your desperation to be heard.

Signed, an abuse survivor with bpd.

[chewnecklace]

anyone else relate to internalized ableism causing you to put off taking meds because people "worry you take too many" and insist you "try natural remedies first"?

and because you put them off, you suffer for hours just because you can?

it's hard for me to remember but you don't have to force yourself to be in pain just because you're expected to, or just because you can

you deserve to be relieved from pain

[slimeandsensitive]

Ableism isn’t a new age oppression/issue. Pretending it is some new thing millennials made up is literally preposterous. There is a long history of the abuse, torture, hospitalization, and institutionalization of disabled/neurodivergent people. Pretending lobotomies, electroshock therapy, eugenics, and murder weren’t practices used against disabled people is ableism itself.

[unuvocheto]

If I could somehow find everyone who ever bullied me and ask them why they targeted me, not a single one would say it was because I was autistic. None of them even knew I was.

Instead they’d say it was because I liked Pokemon too much after it stopped being cool, or my clothes looked ridiculous and I wore the same pair of jeans 3 days a week, or that I was just weird/nerdy/unpopular. In many, many cases, that is what neurodiversity looks like. Not someone with an obvious disability, but someone who’s just weird.

I see so many allistics and neurotypicals on here that claim to be anti-ableism but turn around and make jokes at the expense of people who are eccentric but harmless.

If you’re an allistic that claims to support autistic people, but then you turn around and make fun of the woman wearing a bizarre outfit or the guy who speaks in a monotone or the teenager who carries a teddy bear everywhere, you are hurting autistic people who do those same things.

[autisticshatterstar]

this is also why even non-diagnosed autistics are punished and abused by society, the bullying isn’t about being explicitly autistic, but rather that society has decided that the traits autistic people exibhit are “abnormal” and therefore worthy of punishment.

[fluxbird-deactivated20210510]

i think a lot of neurotypicals misunderstand what “routine” means in the context of autistic ppl needing routine. they seem very fixated on the idea that routine means doing the same thing at the same time every day (eg always eating at 12, always showering at 7, idk, stuff like that) and they don’t seem to get that while yes, those are a kind of routine that some autistic ppl need/like, it’s not the only thing. 

like for me, for example, it is way more important that the songs i listen to play in the right order and that the right kind of audio is on in the background when i do different tasks than it is that i do said tasks at a specific time of day. the routines that are important to me are about how i do things, not when. but nt ppl don’t understand this. 

why is this important? bc i have had So. Many. neurotypicals tell me that the reason i’m depressed/anxious/not feeling well is that i don’t have enough of those when routines in my life. that obviously if i made sure to always shower at the exact same time of day i wouldn’t be depressed. that obviously if i made sure to always get up at exactly the same time, no wiggle room of even a minute, then i wouldn’t be anxious. “because you’re autistic!” they say, “and routines are important for you! you’ve even said so yourself!”

and then they proceed to not take the actual reasons why i’m feeling unwell seriously, because obviously if an autistic person isn’t living minute by minute according to a schedule that dictates their every move then that has to be the cause of all their problems. 

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

I just found out they make little bovine spongiform encephalopathy prion plushes and I'm so excited to get one with my next paycheck.

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

WHERE do you get a prion pal!!!!????

[ciaran2020]

I have to be charmed by my flaws. I am not who I am by being perfect.

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

Autistic culture is either writinng/talking way too much and not being able to paraphrase or being too articulate for other people.

[ratliker1917]

I'm gonna stop posting about this because discoursing about this on the one year where no street pride is happening is absurd but I think the "no kink at pride" people trying to reignite this shit might want to reconsider their definitions and their understanding of what constitutes a "public sexual act" if they think that wearing a leather harness or a dog mask is a sexually explicit act. projecting your disgust to the point you treat non-explicit acts as sexually explicit solely because they make you conjure mental images of people having Icky Sex is not actually rational behavior and is in fact one of the key ways in which homophobes rationalize their disgust for gay pda.

[mauken-dyn]

THANK YOU MONOLITH SOFT

THIS IS EXCELLENT

[ciaran2020]

stop making poetic text posts about how you love and hate your mom at the same time you are being abused she is your abuser and she hurt you when you were vulnerable and attached to your primary caregiver because you were a child and didn't have other options. that's not some mythological mother/daughter relationship. it's abuse.

[ciaran2020]

I have nothing against people talking about their trauma and relating to others with similar experiences and I know that recovery isn't linear and accepting that you have trauma at all is a crucial but difficult first step many people never achieve. I know this. I just also think that the way tumblr talks about ‘female’ generational trauma in particular is trans-exclusionary, obscures the power dynamic and the abuse, and actively makes it harder for many people to realize that they are being abused by their mom because it appears to be such a common experience that it hardly deserves the label abuse. this is normalisation in action—you can keep telling yourself that normalisation is when people write fiction about abuse, but this is what it actually looks like. it looks like every text post on your dash about how you will ~never connect to anyone the way you'll connect to your mom but she hurt you so much but you understand that she's suffered too~ (and if you change the pronouns and replace mom with boyfriend you will see how dangerous this is), with none of these posts being tagged or called in as abuse. this is actually dangerous, because this website is full of young people and young adults who don't really have the real life support necessary to realize they're being abused. any of these text posts with 50k notes that presents emotional abuse as an ingrained part of the mother/daughter relationship is doing more damage than a 50k fic on ao3 tagged abuse. understand this. I don't expect people to stop reblogging these posts but at the very least tag them and make a conscious effort to contextualise your experiences as not natural.

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

Autistic people who mask, do you have trouble differentiating between the behavior that's authentically you and what's the mask?

Personally, there's always been a very clear line between the part I play and my actual self. Maybe it's because I'm not that good at masking?

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

I’m very clear bc it used to scare me. Now i I’m not as scared of maxing.

[butch-with-a-tortoise-deactivat]

Autistic and neurodivergent people: do you stim to songs and if so are there particular lines that just really bring on the stimming?

there are a lot of songs that caused this for me but just now I just was rocking and flapping frantically at  Long  Way by Antje Duvekot where it says and “north Montana was cold she keeps her Secrets Frozen under glaciers way up North and people have got lost up there in the home of the grizzly bear and you can ask the mountain but the mountain doesn’t care” 

please feel free to reblog and share! 

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

Nope, the stimming is independent of the music.

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

I don’t really listen to music with lyrics but when i do it’s usually king gizzard, sabrina claudio or yahyel. There’s plenty of solid lines from king gizz but this one from Horology is a gem:

“Sit down weary traveler

I am that what you seek

Join me in a meal

To hear of my repentance

Lift the veil from your eyes

And look beyond the three

Now you know the truth behind:

It's tetrachromacy.”

Very good. Also Nuclear Fusion is altogether catchy but this line in particular gets me:

“Ocean like a moat fortification

Separating me from restoration

My spirit leaves my body in frustration

Flying through the world in radiation.”

For Sabrina the entire song Me In Her is great but it’s the chorus that gets me:

“She has (She has) it all (It all)

But all she's missing is a piece of my heart

I've had (I've had) it all (It all)

No matter what, you'll never find me in her.”

I think yahyel has the most stimmy...est? Lines tho. I have little to no idea what the man is saying but it’s the way he says it. See Pale, Lover, Hypnosis and Nomi all from his Human album.

I could go on and highlight individual songs (Hair Down by Sir and I Guess We’ll Never Know by The Garden are fucking incredible. And I Found God In A Tomato by Psychedelic Porn Crumpets is just wow) but then we’ll be here all day, won’t we?

[autie-j]

I don't get the appeal of drinking alcohol. What's so appealing about drinking something that can change the way you act and impair your senses, and give you headaches the next day.

[autasticanna]

as an autistic who is seemingly incapable of getting drunk at all, I feel this

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

For auties like me, it actually helps me be more social and open up. You know how weed calms people down when they are constantly anxious? Alcohol does that for me. If that makes sense. If it does nothing for you or you don’t like hiw u feel when ur drunk that’s something diff. But yeah, that’s why some folks drink. To be more social.

[shock]

please for the love of god i beg you stop linking kiwifarms as a reliable source 

[shock]

when i read a post and someone says ‘there’s a thread about this here’ and i click the link and it opens to kiwifarms it’s the same feeling as if someone said ‘here’s a thread exposing this guy’ and i click the link and suddenly my computer opens a tab of /r/The_Donald

[ace-rapunzel]

Kiwifarms was literally created with the purpose of harassing and doxxing autistic/trans/otherwise “undesirable” people, often to the point of encouraging suicide. Stop linking to it.