[nevver]

I’m not there, Dylan by Jerry Schatzberg

[classichalloweenandhorror]

Halloween (1978) trailer

[nevver]

Back in bed, Arturo Bamboo

[nevver]

Lele Saveri

[witchinghour]

Rose McGowan as Tatum Riley in Scream (1996)

[nevver]

Movie Posters of the Week

[classichalloweenandhorror]

[noid-ed]

Then & Now

I drank to release the tension in my head

I drank to feel nothing

I drank to feel normal

I drank to quiet the thoughts in my head

I drank to the hate in my heart, for it was the only emotion that felt honest

I drank to cry myself to sleep, because sometimes I couldn’t on my own

I drank to prove everyone else wrong

I drank because it was the only solution I knew

I drank because it lifted the weight off of

my heart so I could forget the pain

I drank because I wanted to be like everyone else

Now?

I feel.

I feel so many things I couldn’t allow myself to experience before.

I feel acceptance

I feel love

I feel hope

I feel courage

I feel understood

I feel all of these things and more for myself now...

I feel love for the little girl that was always so scared and anxious. I don’t have to be scared and anxious anymore. I can hold her and tell her that if she lets go, it’ll make life easy. If she lets go, she’ll never be alone.

Life is easier this way.

[noid-ed]

Life and reality

It’s never what you want, but always what you need. Whether it makes you stronger, wiser...then again maybe what we want is bad for us and what we need is what we should strive for.

Rambling session over.

Idk where I was going with that. W/e

[classichalloweenandhorror]

[noid-ed]

Is about to lose my Fucking shit at work 😭😭😭 my body is too tired today. And I just want to curl up and cry. I feel uncomfortable

[classichalloweenandhorror]

[noid-ed]

I go

Back and forth on feeling alone and unwanted. Most days are good, some like this leave me feeling uncertain. I can’t stop my hands from shaking, I can’t stop these thoughts from racing. I’m trying real hard to be this new person, and not be self deprecating, but old Shelby just wants to wallow in pain. Things from my past keep flashing in my head and I couldn’t tell you why. Maybe it’s this older version of myself reminding me of the pain I use to feel. I don’t have to feel that way today, but I do.

[noid-ed]

It’s okay to be alone.

[noid-ed]

Day 182

I’m so close to 6 months I can taste it. I want it so bad. Sometimes I feel myself slipping mentally. I can catch it most of the time, progress not perfection. It’s funny, I don’t feel as unique as I once thought...maybe that was part of the problem. I was so focused on what happened in the past that I let it take over and mold who I was becoming. Which wasn’t great. It feels like I’m coming out of this very dark, cold cave and I can see the light as I’m climbing up, and I’m fucking tired but so much more inclined to keep pulling myself up. It’s all I want now. Excuse the run on sentence. I’m physically exhausted work kicked my ass, but ya girl walked away making $200. 🤙🏼

[noid-ed]

little things

i am small in this world, my problems are only big to me...i’ve felt alone a lot this summer, but it’s only been in my head. I wonder what I would be doing right now if i hadn’t asked for help. I think about this often. I’m not afraid to admit my problems, I’m not as scared as I was. What terrified me the most was not being comfortable with myself. As each month drags on, I feel a little stronger each day, each moment i push myself to keep going. I know I have ways to go, but I’m not scared of being alone. It’s odd to think that I found an answer to why things in my life would never settle. I don’t mean settle as in oh well this is good enough. I mean it’s just crazy to think how much chaos I put out into the world around me and the people close to me. 

it’s also crazy to not feel so insecure, that shit still blows my mind to this day. I know i still have a lot of room for growth, it’s just damn girl. look how far you’ve come, and there’s still so much more good to experience.

[noid-ed]

4 mo

4 more days and I’ll be 60 days sober. This is insaneeee. Feels like I’m talking to myself but shit. Whatever, I never thought this was possible. Sometimes I get frustrated, I think I’m missing out. All I’m missing is the social aspect. I just work and sleep and eat. I can’t wait for CO. I know this is me riding some type of “pink cloud” but I’ll take and remember that, this sobriety is the best thing for me when times get tough. If I have to feel the things I’m feeling for the next year to have a sober, productive, happy, and lucrative future. It’s all worth it. Maybe even with J, if he wants to still be there with me. I’m getting better, and that’s what matters most. I’m happy and free. Free from letting my thoughts get the better of me, and letting those thoughts drive me to drink or smoke. I’m finally in a place where I can think for myself and am able to say “no, I don’t want that for me anymore” it’s so beautiful. I’m finding out who I am.