Nonsense Astrology With Uneducated Dave

Stupid Weekly Horoscopes For Jerks

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Scorpio

Boredom sucks.  You need a challenge, Scorpio, and boy have I got one for you: invent a better human catapult.  Elevators are out.  Human catapults are in.  Oh, you want to get to the 19th floor?  Right away sir!  Sure there are going to be some deaths along the way, probably even a lot of deaths, but dammit, that's just the cost of human progress!

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Taurus

Quit being such a Needy Stephen, Taurus. Everyone’s sick of you pulling on their sleeves and talking about your crying fit at the Spa Castle. It’s time to regain your independence. The best way to go about this is to enter yourself in a dance battle. Nothing bolsters your self esteem like beating in a stranger’s brain through the magic of dance.

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Leo

It’s time to re-think your deranged hoarder tendencies. 600 shoeboxes full of cat fetuses in your living room is just not reasonable. See if you can cut it down to 200. And eat some pancakes for chrissakes. You look ridiculous.

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Aquarius

It’s time for a haircut, hippie. And guess what? Bowl cuts are back! See your local haircare professional about this new and interesting opportunity. It’s not just a brand new hairstyle, it’s a brand new you! And I think we both know, you need all the you you can get.

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Gemini

Crazy times are coming, Gem. Picture this: a world where the Doritos factory runs out of nacho cheese flavoring, forcing you to eat horrible, horrible regular flavored chips like a sucker; people continue talking about Miley Cyrus as though she is a reasonable subject of conversation; all pens are made out of human fingers. AHHHHHHHHH!!! I can already hear your anguished screams from the disgusting mop closet where I write these solid gold horoscopes. So it’s a good thing you’ve watched all those episodes of Doomsday Preppers. 16 months in a bomb shelter beneath a Kansas cornfield oughta be enough to weather this storm. I hope you like pork and beans, stupid.

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Sagitarius

The only way you will make it through this week is if you swallow a pound of glitter. It’s a matter of life and death. There’s no time for explanations. Get to it.

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Virgo

This week is a good time for you to seek new creative avenues, Virgo. If you want my advice, filling bird cages with human hair is a good place to start.

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Pisces

Oh, hey Pisces. I thought you died. Well this is awkward.

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Aries

Big news is coming! It might be that your mom’s new wig is in the mail, or you’re going to beat your record of 17 bowls of cereal in one sitting. Whatever it is, get excited.

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Cancer

Fight for what’s right this week, Cancer. Buy a baguette and hit people in the face with it. It won’t hurt them in any serious way, but it sure will make your point. As long as your point is bread-related.

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Libra

Your energy is super high this week. You’re pumped up and ready to go. You’ve got the power and the drive to make some big changes. You also have a rash.

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Capricorn

The toe fungus-phase of your life will soon come to an end, Capricorn. Only 7 more months!! And then will begin the obsessed-with-clams phase. Huzzah!

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Pisces

This week, Pisces, I want you to staple several handful of white feathers to your arms.  Do not attempt to stop the bleeding.  Sit in a booth at a family restaurant and order fish sticks.  As the waitress walks away, begin weeping loudly.  Between sobs, whisper to yourself: "I'm a bird.  I'm a bird.  I'm a bird." Relish the horrified stares of the children.

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Capricorn

There's some serious shit afoot in the stars for you, Cap.  And I don't use the word 'afoot' lightly.  It is absolutely imperative that you do not use your right foot at all for the next several days.  In fact, don't even look at it.  This means you will need to hop down the street, refrain from anklets and toe-rings, and reschedule your pedicure appointment.  If you don't do this, the universe is likely to curse you to a life of eating cans of rancid Campbell's tomato soup for the next one hundred and sixty years.  It might seem okay for a bowl or two, but in a year or so, you are going to start flipping the eff out.  So don't risk it, sweet pants.  Get hopping.

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LEO

You're sick of people telling you what to do, aren't you Leo?  "Stop gluing my head to my pillow at night while I sleep" they say; "Quit sending me pictures of you dressed up like a unicorn and eating a hamburger at the food court" they say; "It's not appropriate for you to try to brush my hair while we're at work.  I'm your boss.  Show a little professionalism please." they say.  Everyone is so god damn unreasonable.  I thought this was America.  What ever happened to freedom of speech?  I say keep it up, Libra.  Give 'em hell.  Tell your boss if he doesn’t like it, next time you might “accidentally” burn him with a curling iron.  

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Scorpio

It's high time someone invented a substitute for smiling.  I think everyone should start carrying around koala bears, and when they feel like smiling, people should just hold up their koala bears high over their heads instead.  This will make things much easier and allow society to avoid a lot of the problems associated with smiling, like discrimination against people with bad teeth.  I'd like you to begin popularizing this method, Scorp.  Now go forth.  Flurry.  Flurry.

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Aquarius

Can you feel that gnawing sensation in your guts, Taurus?  That's not guilt.  That's a rabid baby ferret that's mysteriously found its way into your digestive tract.  Either you've been eating at some strange restaurants lately, or someone is playing a hilarious prank on you. Regardless, you should probably go to the doctor.