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this will never cease to be funny to me

Currently finding myself working on a rather comprehensive article about the Kalevala, a Finnish epic collected, written and published by Elias Lönnrot in 1835. Kullervo is the protagonist of a rather freestanding part of Kalevala, whose story inspired professor J.R.R. Tolkien when writing the character Túrin Turambar in his posthumous The Children of Húrin (2007). The article might take some time, so here is an appetizer.

The story goes, Kullervo’s grandfather Kalervo is killed by his brother Untamo, along with his entire family. Kalervo’s pregnant daughter-in-law is the only one whom is spared, and she is brought to Untamos household, where she gives birth to Kullervo. After Untamo fails to kill Kullervo, the boy is sold as a slave to the smith Ilmarinen. Ilmarinen’s wife harasses the boy, putting, among other things, rocks in his bread while he is out herding cows. Upset by the insult - and that the knife he inherited from his father is broken – Kullervo chases the cows in the marsh and sends a flock of bears and wolves back to the farm. Ilmarinen’s wife is bewitched into believing that the predators are the cows, and she is torn asunder when she tries to milk them.

Kullervo returns to his family, who prove not to be dead anyway, and while he’s out on an errand for his father, he meets a girl he seduces. The following day it dawns on him that she is his sister. She takes her own life by throwing herself in the waterfall. He travels out to avenge himself at Untamo, killing him and burning down the farm. He returns to his home, only to find his own family slaughtered. He brings along his dog, goes back to where he seduced his sister, and kills himself with his sword.

🖼️ Akseli Gallen-Kallela, Kullervo’s curse, 1899

janijones

swarnpert

depressingfinland

Some cheery Finnish pop and rock music

Hector - Lumi teki enkelin eteiseen (“the snow made an angel in our entrance hall”)

A slowly progressing folk song about the singer’s family members dying or leaving one by one over the course of his childhood. Every time they hold a funeral, “the priest got to drink coffee again”.

Miljoonasade - Marraskuu (“November”)

A lamentation of an alcoholic who has been dumped by his girlfriend, and how his November depression may end up killing him.

Eppu Normaali - Tahroja paperilla (“just stains on paper”)

The story of a man who leaves his girlfriend/wife, leaving her a tear-stained piece of paper which is implied to be a suicide note.

Leevi and the Leavings - Teuvo, Maanteiden Kuningas (“Teuvo, the king of countryside roads”)

The story of a young man who wants to be a rally driver. He keeps wrecking cars and himself in his attempts at offroad-driving, and eventually dies.

Yö - Rakkaus on lumivalkoinen (“love is white as snow”)

A man and a woman have found each other and are deeply in love, but the chorus keeps reminding them that while love is as white as snow, it also turns into mud and muck as easily, and melts away inevitably. (Has an English translation, which is way less subtle)

And finally, the unofficial national anthem:

Eppu Normaali - Murheellisten laulujen maa (“the land of sorrowful songs”)

The story of a youth who is born in a land where the tradition is for men to butcher their families with an axe while drunk. He swears to never drink to avoid his fate, but after raising a family loses his job and finds himself in the booze store. The next morning the police arrest him at his yard, next to the dead bodies of his wife and children, and the song asserts that this will never stop happening.

—- Fan Submission, thanks steelseam!

Funny thing is, these are really some of the most popular finnish songs _ever_. You’ll hear “Rakkaus on lumivalkoinen” most likely at least 5 times a night in every single karaoke bar you’ll walk into.

fozzie

“the game” is a sleeper agent activation phrase for anyone who was in middle school between 2006 and 2009 and apparently ppl any younger than that are blissfully unaware of the psychological warfare of the game