NOOCH ORDER

Because 'Soy Division' was already taken. Sheffield Vegan Food Recipes with underwhelming photography since 2016. Email me if it isn't disgusting : [email protected]

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ACTUAL VEGGIE BURGER WITH STUFF YOU CAN BUY AT ANY SUPERMARKET makes 8 ( although we ate double burgers and it was probably too much and we were hungover) inspired by a really good veggie burger i had in new york at Superiority Burger, here's my take. Wanted to try and make something which let the actual vegetables and textures come through rather than trying to make something that was like meat. Also I wanted to use stuff you could get at any supermarket. pack of 4 vaccuum packed cooked beetroot 1 tbsp tomato puree 1 tbsp marmite 1 tbsp soy sauce 10 shakes of hendersons relish or vegan worcester sauce 2 cups of water 1/2 cup red lentils 1/2 cup quinoa ( red quinoas good but whatever you can find) 1 medium onion, diced really fine 1 celery stick diced really fine 1 medium carrot, diced really fine. 6-7 walnut pieces ( you know what i mean, diced really fine) 1 cup of drained tinned chickpeas. 1 teaspoon of dried parsley 1 teaspoon of paprika (smoked is good) 1/2 cup fine breadcrumbs salt and pepper. buns and fixings for burgers olive oil 1. prep all the veg above and dice 2 of the beetroot very finely. 2. combine 2 remaining beetroot and all of the ingredients up and including to the hendersons/worcester sauce in a blender. 3. add the beetroot broth to the lentils and quinoa in a large pan on a medium high heat. bring to a boil and drop the heat to low for about 15 mins. At this point there should be a little liquid in the pan but mostly soaked into the quinoa and lentils.leave to cool for about 15 mins. 4. while this is cooking, cook the onion, celery and carrot in 1 tsps of oil on a medium high heat for about 10 mins with 4 twists of salt and pepper. you want some of the bits to brown and burn slightly. add to the lentil/quinoa pot. 5. repeat the process in 4 with the chickpeas, walnuts and beetroot, and add to the same pot 6. add parsley, paprika and breadcrumbs and mix thoroughly. Leave another 10 mins to cool. 7. lightly brush/spray a lined baking tray with oil. 8. shape the burgers into 8 patties and put in the fridge for an hour. 9. when ready to cook, preheat the oven to 200 c ( fan assisted). if not using all of them straight away you can probably seperate and freeze them but I havent tested this yet. Probably cook from frozen for like another 5 mins or something , I dunno 10. cook for 25-30 mins until crisp on the outside 11. Assemble and eat all the burgers

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BIG SQUARE TOFU NOT-SCALLOP WITH WHISKEY, GINGER AND TAKANOTSUME CHILLI GLAZE WITH RICE AND BASIC SESAME SPINACH. SERVES 2 YOU NEED A BLOW TORCH WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A BLOWTORCH YET Grew some chillis. Many died but the takanotsume didn’t . Had a scallop once, hated it. This is what I thought it should have tasted like. Kombu for your sea taste, blowtorch to make it look like when they cook it on the telly, caramelisation and for pretentiousness ( most important). FOR THE TOFU 350g silken tofu block, left at room temperature. 1 tbsp brown sugar 1 tbsp kombu powder FOR THE CHILLI GLAZE. 1/2 tsp Japanese whisky 1/4 cup Mirin 1 tsp cornflour with 2 tsp water 1/2 tsp kombu powder 2 tsp of ginger, chopped finely 4 fresh takanotsume chilles chopped finely ( or other fresh small chilies, such as birdseye- use sparingly and adjust to your level of heat,removing seeds and pith where necessary.’ You do you’ or something.) ½ cup of soy sauce 3 tbsp of brown sugar 1 tsbp cooking oil FOR THE SPINACH 300g fresh spinach ( standard bag from supermarket etc) 1 teaspoon salt 2 tbsp toasted sesame oil Sesame seeds for garnish FOR THE RICE, FUNNILY ENOUGH 500g sushi rice SERVES 2 1.Prep the sushi rice as per the instructions. Prep the other ingredients above and start the rest when you have about 15 mins left as this comes together fast. 2.Remove the silken tofu from packaging carefully, ensuring that you keep it as complete as possible ( easier said than done) 3.Cut the block in half and put one half on each serving plate. Dab the top of the tofu with a bit of kitchen paper so it’s a bit drier. 4.Heat oil on a medium heat and add ginger and chillies, have fun coughing a bit for about 2-3 minutes while they cook down a bit. Add everything else for the sauce in the pan and whisk until the sugars melted. Drop to a very low heat or keep warm. 5.Steam the spinach in a pan. Wilt down, add salt and sesame oil. Mix well and plate up. Plate up the rice. 6.Sprinkle half a spoon of the kombu and sugar on the top of the tofu. Get your blowtorch out and singe it up until it looks like a weird anaemic fish crème brulee. 7.Pour over the sauce. 8.Eat the food.

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TOFISH TACOS WITH SALSA VERDE, RADISH AND AVOCADO Makes about 8 as a small meal for 2 In light of the good weather we’ve been having ( read : too hot) here’s a summery light dish to eat on your decking/ underused patio table. SALSA VERDE Can of tomatillos or about 7-8 fresh ones 3 spring onions Half an orange 2 jalepenos Lime Big Handful of coriander 2 garlic cloves 10 twists of salt Quarter of a tbsp of mexican oregano. TOFISH 2 sheets of nori, cut into quarters 1 pack of firm silken tofu 350g Half tsp of dill Half tsp of lemon pepper BATTER 1 and half cups of plain flour 1 tsp hot paprika 1 tsp ancho chilli powder 1 tsp celery salt 14 twists of black pepper 1 cups desperado beer ( probably the only use I’ve found for this drink) Rapeseed oil for frying. FOR SERVING 8 corn tortillas, ( home made or bought, look online for a recipe I’m not an expert ok) 4 radishes, cut into thin slices and spritzed with a bit of the left over orange from above. 1 avocado, diced and spritzed with a bit of the left over orange from above. Before you start, prep the radishes and avocado and make sure you are ready to go with your tortillas ( i.e just frying them or reheating them) as this comes together quickly at the end. FOR THE SALSA VERDE 1. Heat the oven to about 200C 2. Cut the lime in half and chuck the tomatillos and jalapenos on a baking tray 3. Roast lime, tomatillos and jalapeños for 15 mins. Leave to cool slightly 4. Scoop out the flesh from half the lime, put everything in a blender and blend for 30 secs . PREPARING THE TOFISH 1. Open the package of tofu carefully and slice into 8 slices. Work carefully trying to ensure it doesn’t break up. 2. Take a quarter sheet of nori, placing the smooth side down on a dry work surface. Sprinkle the coarse side with a little dill and lemon pepper and carefully wrap the tofu so its covered in nori. Dab a little water if sections aren’t sticking to the tofu and use a pair of scissors to cut off any excess nori. FOR THE BATTERED TOFISH 3. Combine all of the ingredients above, whisk briefly until combined. Don’t worry about a few lumps, it helps with the texture. 4. Put about ½ inch deep of oil in your pan and heat on a medium/ high heat. Drop a few bits of the batter in and when they rise and fizz straight away you’re ready to go 5. Dip the tofish in the batter, ensuring even coverage and cook up to 4 at the same time for about 3 mins each side, flipping once . Cook til golden and bubbly.. Keep the others warm in the oven until ready for serving. FINAL STAGES 6. Cook/ warm your tortillas. 7. Remove the tofu from the oven and drain on kitchen paper 8. Lay 4 tortillas on each plate, top with a bit of the tofish, avocado, radishes and then finally add a spoon full of salsa verde. 9. Eat. You’ll have some salsa verde left so eat it with crisps or something

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VEGAN SQUARE / LORNE SAUSAGE. Makes about 8 slices Another one of my ( dubious) heritage inspired recipes. Glasgow’s braw fae scran, but is dead far to go, although it's tempting to brave the 4 hr drive just to go to the Hug and Pint or for a vegan square sausage at Rose and Grants. In other situations I’ve made up a recipe which is semi-inspired by a traditional Lorne sausage recipe. Minus all the meat and that. 100g soy mince 1 ½ tbsp nooch 1 ½ tsbp of veg stir fry sauce ( I use Lee Kum Kee ) 6 drops liquid smoke Medium courgette 2 precooked bulbs of beetroot 1 glug of olive oil 1 1/2 heaped tablespoons ground coriander 30 twists black pepper Half teaspoon nutmeg 16 twists salt Half a cup of pinhead rusk Half a cup of vital wheat gluten Something for greasing and frying ( see below) 1. Combine the soy mince with 1 cup of warm water and all the other ingredients up to and including the liquid smoke. Stir and leave for about a half an hour to rehydrate. 2. Meanwhile, heat your fan assisted oven to about 200 C. 3. Chuck the courgette and beetroot on a baking tray with oil, a little salt and pepper and cook for about 20 mins until slightly browned. 4. Cool slightly and blend with 5 tbsp water. Drop your oven temp to 180 C 5. Add the soy mince, blended courgette and beetroot stuff and everything else on the ingredients list up to and including the gluten. Stir until it gets to a burger mix style state- not too sticky, not too wet. You might need to add another heaped tablespoon of both the pinhead rusk and gluten. 6. Line and grease a square baking tin sufficient for about 8 slices of fake sausage with vegan marg. Alternatively a little oil, softened Trex or that solid crisp and dry stuff could work, maybe? 7. Cook for about an hr. 8. Leave to cool, preferably in a fridge overnight to firm up completely. 9. When ready to cook, slice into 8 sections and fry for a few mins on each side in whatever cooking grease you want ( being Scottish I’d do Trex, Crisp and Dry or vegan marg. ) and fry on a medium high head for about 3-4 mins on each side until crisp and golden. 10. Serve with whatever you have sausages with / everything

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TUNA CHICKPEA MELT AND TUNA CHICKPEA PASTA SALAD Makes enough for sandwiches and about 4 salad lunches ( or change it up accordingly I cant be bothered doing all the maths) Here’s a 2 meals in one, quick, dumb and easy. I always hated the smell of the actual real thing this was based on, but now I’m fine with it cause it doesn’t have any fish in it. Great story. TUNA MELT 2 x 400 gram tins of chickpeas, drained and rinsed 2 tbsp of capers in brine and 2tbsp of the juice Half of a 200g tin of canned sweetcorn 1 tsbp wholegrain mustard 1 sheet of nori, cut into 1cm cubes ( use a little bit more to taste if that’s yr hing. Its plenty for me) ½ medium red onion , diced very finely. 3 tsbp of Vegenaise 5 twists of fresh ground salt and pepper 6 slices of tiger bread cut thickly. 3 white vegan cheese slices ( I used violife cause they are dead good) Crisps or gherkins or whatever you want with sandwiches PASTA SALAD 500 g of whatever dried pasta you like ( vegan obv) Another 1 tsp of Vegenaise Remaining half of the can of sweetcorn About another 3 or 4 twists of salt and pepper. FOR THE MELTS Put chickpeas in a big bowl and mash until the majority of the chickpeas are like mashed and that. Let a few survive for texture. Mix the remaining ingredients up to the tiger bread together well and chill in the fridge for 40mins to an hr. Put yr grill on When its done, toast both sides of the bread very lightly ( until a very light, delicious beige or like sad toast on a bad continental breakfast) for a few mins under the grill Spread 2 tbsp of your filling on top of 3 of the slices of pre-toast Top with cheese slices ( you might need to rip them up a bit to ensure that you have coverage) Put both your slices with the filling and the ones without back in the grill for about 2 mins until the top part of the bread is properly toasted and the cheese is melted. Put top bread on top of the bottom bread OK Push down a little bit , cut in half, arrange tastefully on plate with your side bits EAT IT, save the rest of the stuff for below FOR THE PASTA Cook pasta in salted water like everyone in the fcking world does Drain pasta, add your leftover mix and all other ingredients, Eat hot or cold or tepid or whatever I’m not yr da.

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MAC AND CHEESE WITH BLACKENED BROCCOLI, JALAPENO AND WHITE TRUFFLE ( AND NO CHEESE) Serves 2 and then some for one of you for lunch to fight over ALERT- you need a decent blender for this , like a nutribullet or something. Otherwise it’ll be lumpy and shite. Theres a lot of other vegan mac and cheese recipes, none of them taste quite right. This one does IMHO. This one has a bit of white truffle for DECADENCE ( I’ve heard American people say it and I thought id give it a go). You could use some a very small amount of real truffle grated finely if you are Scrooge McDuck and haven’t wasted all your money on a delivery from Japan Centre like I just did. Dont use that actual truffle oil stuff as its chemicals and tastes like guffs. FOR THE SAUCE 1 ½ teaspoon extra virgin olive oil with white truffle ½ tsp garlic powder ½ tsp onion 3 tbsp nooch ( or nutritional yeast ) 2 tbsp miso 250 ml soy cream Half a carrot , unpeeled 5 twists salt 7 twists pepper 2 tsp of cashews soaked for 1 hr in 250 ml water 2 tsp cornflour ½ tsp turmeric ½ tsp paprika ( I used Hungarian but don’t go out of your way, whatever you’ve gots good) FOR THE REST Large broccoli cut into 1.25 cm cubes, stalks and leaves and all. Cut the woody end bit off though 500g dry macaroni 1 jalapeno, diced into 0.5 cm bits Olive oil Ready made cheap golden breadcrumbs 1.Preheat oven to 230 c ( fan assisted)

2.Smack the broccoli on a baking tray with a sheet with a little olive oil and salt and pepper and cook for 15-20 minutes until the broccoli starts to look blackened ( or burnt )at the edges

3.Chuck everything for the sauce in a blender and blend until smooth

4.Cook macaroni in salted water until nearly al dente , about 7-8 mins

5.Put macaroni to one side to drain . Refresh a little in cold water

6.Put sauce in pan and heat on a medium-high heat until thickened, like 2-3 mins

7.Mix mac and sauce together until all is coated. Add the jalapeno separately and mix in right at the end so it keeps a bit of its crunch

8.Put the mixture in a baking dish, cover the top with breadcrumbs, a little more salt and pepper and like 1 tsp of nooch , followed by a little oil to help crisp it ( I used one of those spray things)

9. Cook for 15 mins until breadcrumbs are golden and that

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MA PO TOFU Saw them making this on an anime called Food Wars but was disappointed to find out that the real one has bits of animals in. This one doesn’t. It is quite 麻 (numbing) and 辣 (spicy hot), so if you don’t believe me check the Wikipedia I copied and pasted the Chinese characters from Serves 2 hungry people probably 500g white rice, cooked as per the instructions. 300g soy mince, rehydrated for about 10 mins with half tsp of sesame oil and half tsp soy 1 /2 inch knob of ginger , minced 3 cloves garlic, minced 1/2 tablespoons Sichuan peppercorns, crushed semi coarsely with pestle and mortar 4 spring onions, cut finely 1 pack 350g silken tofu in 1 .5 cm cubes 3 tbsp doubanjiang sauce (- I used the Lee Kum Kee Chilli Bean Paste you get from most oriental supermarkets) 3 tbsp veg oil 3 tsp chilli oil 1 and a 1/2 teaspoons cornflour, dissolved in 3 tbsp water 2/3 cup of water 1.Prep everything above and have it to hand as this comes together quite quickly. Probably start your rice off first. 2. Heat the veg oil in a pan on a medium high heat. 3. Add the sichan peppercorns, cook for 1-2 mins. Make sure you don’t burn them but they should smell medicinal and fragrant. 3. Add the garlic and ginger, cook for 2 mins, making sure they don’t burn again 4. Add soy mince, stir and cook for 3 mins 5. Add the doubanjiang, stir and cook for 2 mins. 6. Add water, stir 2 mins 7. Add cornflour mixture, stir 2 mins 8. Add chilli oil , tofu and spring onions, stir gently to combine and don't break tofu. Leave to sit for 1 min. 9. Serve with the plain rice and a few shakes more chilli oil if that’s your hing.

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‘CAFÉ LEBLANC’ STYLE CURRY RICE WITH TOFU Serves 4 Japanese style curry is the best curry. Best thing about playing Persona 5 was the fact you could make curry. So this is my take on the curry served in the game without any bits of animals in it. FULL DISCLOSURE : I’m not sponsored or anything by Japan Centre it just seems to be the easiest place to buy all these ingredients. FULL DISCLOSURE AGAIN : Am more than happy to sell out and ‘go corporate’ if Japan Centre do decide to send me free vegan things to cook with. Might have to tell more than 5 people about this site though. PLEASE NOTE: HAND BLENDER REQUIRED- OTHERWISE GRATE THE ONION AND APPLE OR EVEN TRY USING A NORMAL BLENDER THING. 1 green apple ( Granny Smith used), cored and cut into small chunks 1 medium red onion, diced into small chunks 450 g firm tofu, pressed to get rid of moisture and cut into 1.5cm/2cm chunks. Use Clearspot tofu if you cant be arsed ( like me) 1 shaker of shichimi togarashi ( can get it in most big supermarkets or oriental grocers but can also get here: https://www.japancentre.com/en/products/973-s-b-shichimi-togarashi-seven-spice-assorted-chili-powder) 3 tbsp Japanese curry powder ( you can make your own but S& B Oriental Curry Powder is the best IMHO. Can buy it here : https://www.japancentre.com/en/products/4495-s-b-oriental-curry-powder ) 500g sushi rice , cooked like the packet says Sushi vinegar 1 large carrot, cut into 1cm circles 1 white potato, cut into 1.5 cm cubes Vegan margarine Salt Hendersons relish ( the most authentic Japanese curry ingredient there is) 1 sachet of kombu powder ( this is good https://www.japancentre.com/en/products/2699-shimaya-kelp-dashi-stock-powder) Light soy sauce Dark soy sauce Soy milk Normal flour OPTIONAL SIDES: Bit of crisp salad, or asazuke (https://www.abokichi.com/blogs/recipes/recipe-japanese-quick-pickles) or whatever pickled style thing you want with them. 1.Have a look at your sushi rice instructions. You might want to start that off now as the one I got took about half an hour to prepare. 2.Preheat oven to 180c ( fan assisted) , spread tofu on a baking tray with a baking sheet on it and dust them tofus with ½ teaspoon shichimi togarashi and ½ teaspoon of salt. Cook for 20 odd mins until they are golden and a wee bit crispy. Remove and set aside 3.While this is happening, boil the potato and carrot in slightly salted water for about 10 mins til they are pretty much cooked. Drain and put to one side with yr tofu. 4. Brown the apple and onion for about 10 mins on a medium heat with 2 tablespoons of marg. 5. Add 3 tablespoons curry powder and 2 tablespoons of flour and mix to make a paste for about 1 min 6.Add 500ml soy milk, 250ml water and the kombu powder. Whisk feverishly until it doesn’t look clumpy. Whisk intermittently over the next 10 mins. 7. Get yr hand blender out and blend it all off. 8. Add 1 tablespoon light soy, 1 tablespoon dark soy, 1 tablespoon of hendersons and 4 shakes of shichimi togarashi 9. Mix and cook for another 5 mins 10. Add reserved veg and tofu and cook for another 5 mins 11. Mix in 1 teaspoon of sushi vinegar into the rice before serving. 12. Get a big bowl, put some rice on one side, ladle some curry on and garnish with salad and asazuke ( if you can be bothered) . Sprinkle with more shichimi togarashi if your well hard and that

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CHRISTMAS GYOZAS WITH NO SOY A running tradition whenever we visit my parents on Christmas eve I’ll cook something. The gyozas I made 3 years ago were a resounding success from my family so decided to try them again at Christmas. However my sister recently had a baby and the baby isn’t into any kind of soy or dairy so I had to rethink my plan. You’ll need pretty much a whole bottle of coconut aminos but you can buy it from health food shops and stuff and its pretty nice. Think it would go well in a bloody mary. Subbed out the soy mince for quinoa and seemed to work well. Probably best to make these in batches and eat them fresh rather than sticking them in the oven to keep warm. Also if you do them all in one go you’ll be really bored of making gyozas and it’ll take like an hour. Does 120 gyozas for 6 – 8 people , alternatively you can freeze the mixture and defrost whenever you want to have a few as a starter/snack/main/whatever DIPPING SAUCE 1 1/2 tbsp minced ginger 2 cloves minced garlic 2 spring onions, really finely sliced 16 tbps coconut aminos 6 twists of salt 6 shakes of chilli oil 1.Mix all together and put in a nice bowl. Leave to infuse for like an hour while you do the rest of the gyoza stuff 2. DIP GYOZA WHEN GYOZA IS COOKED GYOZAS 1 medium carrot diced very finely 1/3 cabbage diced finely 2 spring onions, really finely sliced 300g quinoa 600ml of boiling water 2 packs pre made vegan gyoza wrappers ( or enough for 120 gyozas) 2 1-2 tbsp sesame oil 5 tbsp coconut aminos 3 tbp minced ginger 3 cloves minced garlic 17 twists of sea salt 1 teaspoon white pepper Little veg oil for frying 1.Prep all the veg 2.Boil quinoa, cabbage and carrot in pot ,covered on a low heat until quinoa is done. About 10 mins. 3.Mix all other ingredients together in a big bowl and leave to cool 4. Spoon a scant (I think Delia uses that word) teaspoon of filling in the wrapper and seal it. There’s loads of guides online of how to make gyozas so watch one of those I CANT BE BOTHERED 5. Heat a griddle pan on medium heat with a very small amount of cooking oil ( enough to barely cover the bottom of the pan) 6. Place 12 in pan without touching. Cook until the underside of the gyoza is nicely browned, like 3 mins. 7. Add ¼ cup of water into pan, cover with a lid and steam it until most of the water is gone. 8. Plate up, dip in the dip and eat. Repeat the cooking process 10 times. Swear to yourself you wont cook this many gyozas again.

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FRENCH ONION SOUP WITH CROUTONS AND FAKE GRUYERE Heres a classic French soup made vegan. As they say in France: soupe à l'oignon , which roughly translates as ‘ you’ll have to change every fucking ingredient bar the onions’ . Loads of wine onions and garlic and a cheese crouton thing on top. FULL DISCLOSURE: I put Fake Gruyere in the title to show off, no idea what that actually tastes like anymore. Either way it’s a tasty cheese substitute which tastes good. Any leftovers will do you for a welsh rarebit of some kind with a bit of wholegrain mustard. BUY AND ROAST A BULB OF GARLIC BEFORE COOKING THIS YOU CAN FIND RECIPES ONLINE I CANT BE ARSED TYPING IT IM NOT YR DAD Serves 4 3 large onions or 4 medium onions, sliced into nice strings 1 tbsp vegan marg 5 twists each salt and pepper Half teaspoon brown sugar 4 whole roasted garlic cloves, smashed up into a paste 1 tbsp flour 1 1/2 cups of white wine ( vegan) 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar 1 teaspoon bouillon 1 tbsp miso Heaped tbsp marmite 10 shakes of hendersons 3/4 sprigs fresh thyme preferably on a stalk for easy removal or just under half tbsp dried ( fresh is much better) Small bundle of parsley, shredded for serving CROUTONS AND REAL, AUTHENTIC FAKE GRUYERE ( ALLEGEDLY) Small baguette 1/2 small garlic clove 1 heaped tbsp marg 1 heaped tsp of plain flour 110 ml of soy milk 1 tbsp miso 2tbsp nooch 2 liberal dashes hendersons relish A pinch of sumac A tbsp of olive oil TO MAKE THE SOUP: 1.READ THE CAPITALS AND Roast a whole bulb of garlic before doing this 2.Melt marg, add onions and cook on medium/low heat with salt sugar and pepper stirring until brown and lovely. - prob 15/20 mins til looking like photo . Don't burn. 3.Add garlic and flour and stir for another 2 mins until looking sticky and all flour combined 4.Deglaze with wine, stir and cook for 4 mins 5.While this is happening start the croutons. 6.Add 1 litre of water .Bring to boil and Drop to low heat and cook covered for 20 mins TO MAKE THE CROUTONS 1.Preheat oven to 200 c ( fan assisted) 2. Cut baguette into 8 pieces, rub with garlic and lightly coat both sides with a Little oil for roasting. Make the sauce recipe below before or straight away after putting the baguette in the oven. 3. Roast for 10mins . 4. Dollop each slice with the cheese sauce 5. Roast another 10 mins until tops browned TO MAKE THE SAUCE 1.Melt marg, add flour on medium heat and whisk throughly to combine for 30 secs 2. Add soy milk stirring and cooking for 4 mins til thickened . 3. Add nooch, miso, hendersons and sumac. Stir thoroughly til all is combined well and leave while you do the Croutons. This will thicken a bit, whisk again before putting into croutons. TO SERVE Fish out thyme stalk, ladle out soup and rest 2 croutons on top. Garnish with parsley and some fresh pepper. If you have some, a wee nip of brandy on top of each bowl is nice. If not, don’t bother.

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JACKFRUIT, SMOKED TOFU, LEEK , WHITE WINE AND CREAM PIE with KALE Serves 2 with a bit for lunch. Or 4 if you double the kale shown below. My take on the classic chicken bacon leek and white wine pie without 2 of the other ingredients. Got the idea when i was too lazy mashing some jackfruit in a different recipe and thought it would go really well in chunks. It did . I’ve also become obsessed with using kombu powder which adds that depth and umami without your entire dinner tasting like a stock cube. FOR PIE 1 tin jackfruit chunks in brine, drained 1 leek , white and green parts, shredded to ½ cm segments 8 white mushrooms 1 regular block smoked tofu, cut into wee cubes( taifun/viana is best) Glass and half of cheap vegan white wine 1 tsbp dried tarragon 1 sachet of kombu powder ( got mine here: https://www.japancentre.com/en/products/2699-shimaya-kelp-dashi-stock-powder) 19 twists black pepper 1 carton of oat cream 1 tbsp whole grain mustard 3 tbps marg 1 standard pack of puff pastry, rolled out to top yr pies. little bit of soy milk for brushing.

Vegan gravy of your choice Pie dish- mine was a standard lasagne dish but whatever you like- make individual ones or whatever. FOR KALE 1 tbps oil 1 tbps water Kale 200g 1 garlic, minced 1 teaspoon Soy sauce 1. Sweat down leeks in 1 ½ tsp of marg in big pan/pot until translucent on medium heat ( about 5 mins). Remove and put in pie dish while you brown the rest. 2. Fry mushrooms, jackfruit and tofu with the remaining 1 ½ tsp marg until browned ( about 5-8 mins) 3. Deglaze with wine. Cook for 5 mins, add oat cream and everything else. Keep cooking for another 20 mins 4. Put in pie dish, top with pastry and brush lightly with soy milk. Cook for 30 mins on a fan assisted oven at 180 C. 5. 10 mins before the pies finished, heat 1 tsbp of oil on medium/ low heat in a big pan/pot and add garlic. Cook for 30 secs or so until fragrant 6. Smash the kale in the pan and stir up with the water and soy. Cook for 10 mins with lid on until really green and wilted a bit. Done. Cut up pie into quarters, serve with half of the kale each. Serve with some standard gravy of your choice

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LASAGNE ALLA RAGU JACKFRUIT AND LEFTOVERS FOR SPAG BOL ETC

Serves 4 once or 2 twice or a lonely lad 4 times

Here’s a 100% authentic ragu Bolognese . I researched this thoroughly through my time spent studying cookery in ‘Italia’ ( aka ripped off a recipe from a touristy as fuck pasta recipe book we got in the departure lounge when we went to Florence) . Jackfruits yr substitute for yr cheap slow cooked meat, liquid smoke and mushroom tastes EXACTLY LIKE PANCETTA SHUT UP

THE RAGU:

3 celery sticks, diced as you like 2 onions ,diced as you like 2 carrots, diced as you like Tube of tomato purée 10 mushrooms , finely diced 2 garlic cloves finely diced Large glass vegan friendly red wine 1 tbsp marmite 1 tbsp balsamic 1 tbsp sugar Extra virgin olive oil 2 cans of young jackfruit in brine , drained ¾ teaspoon nutmeg 39 twists of black pepper 1 tbsp of liquid smoke 2 ½ cups of water

FOR THE BECHAMEL

1 ½ tbsp marg 1 tsp bouillon 1 ½ tbsp flour 900 ml soy milk 18 twists pepper 3 tbsp nooch Big pinch of nutmeg Generous tbsp and a half of miso FOR THE ADDITIONAL SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE ( FREE OF CHARGE) 1 normal pack of Spaghetti Tbsp of vegan marg 1tbsp nooch

FOR REST

One pack of mozarisella or some other similar mozzarella style vegan cheese, cut into bits

Lasagne dish ( I’ve used a dish 32 cm X 27 cm but I’m not yr dad so make your own rules if it’s a different size )

One pack of dried egg free lasagne sheets ( I used buitoni)

TO MAKE THE BECH:

1. Melt marg with bouillon medium heat 2. Add flour and nutmeg and cook and whisk for 1 min 3. Add soy milk and whisk regularly for about 5 mins til slightly thickened and smooth Mix in miso and nooch and whisk til dissolved. FOR THE BOLOGNESE

1.Fry onion garlic celery and carrot for about 10 mins on medium heat in 2 tsp of oil with a pinch of salt to brown a bit, until onions are translucent 2. Put to one side in a bowl or something , fry mushrooms for 5-7 mins til browned and reduced with another 2 tbsp of oil . Put the mushrooms with the rest of the veg. 3. Deglaze pan with wine, cook for 3 mins, put all that tomato purée in, cook for 2 mins then add everything else on the ingredients in with a tbsp of salt . Stir thoroughly , cook for about 50-60 mins on a medium heat, mashing the jackfruit down every 20 mins with a masher or so and adding more water so it doesn’t stick 4. Layer a ladle and a half of bolegnese into the Lasagne dish, a ladle of the béchamel and dot a fifth of the cheese before putting a layer of lasagne sheets, repeat 3 times and then the top layer use the rest of the cheese , Bechamel, a bit more nooch and a bit of olive oil to top off . Make sure the top layer of béchamel fully covers the pasta. Use the rest of the Bolognese for the recipe below. I left it to settle for 2 hrs before cooking but should be fine to smash right in the oven if your hungry 5. Heat oven ( fan assisted) 200 C and cook covered in foil for 20 mins, whip off yr foil and cook it off for another 20 mins or AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO LOOK LIKE THE PHOTO ABOVE. Leave for 5 mins as it’s hotter than the sun. 6. Serve with salad and vegan friendly garlic bread or something

SPAG BOL AND THAT

1. Reheat Bolognese on low heat. 2. Meanwhile , cook spaghetti until al dente in salty water, drain, mix with marg, put a thin dusting of nooch on pasta and spoon 1-2 ladles of the sauce on. More pepper of course . Eat it .

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IRN BRU PULLED JACKFRUIT WITH PICKLEBACKED NEEPS AND CARROT ROLLS

Makes 6 rolls

In tribute to my (dubious) Scottish heritage ( brought up in Corby in the Midlands) here is my take on the vegan pulled pork thing. To go with it, I’ve done a raw coleslaw thing with pickle juice and whiskey which cuts though the sweetness of the jackfruit. The coleslaw is inspired by drinking pickle backs in New York the day before flying home and feeling terrible. Not the feeling terrible bit though. Served in a morning roll cause they as the best.

1 teaspoon Mustard powder 1 tablespoon treacle Can irn bru 1 cup hot water 1 tbsp miso 1 tbsp tahini 1 teaspoon veg bouillon 1 tbsp marmite Loads of black pepper- like 15 twists 1 ½ tbsp paprika 1 tbsp liquid smoke 1 tbsp hendersons relish 2 cans of young jackfruit in brine 6 vegan scotch morning rolls ( afaik tesco and asda’s are) Veganaise

PICKLEBACKED NEEPS AND CARROT

80g carrot ( medium carrot) 80g swede ( half a small swede) 2 shots gherkin / pickle juice Tablespoon of nice scotch ( I used great king street but who cares) Loads of fresh black pepper

1. Grate carrot , swede and place all other items into an airtight container 2. Shake it up 3. Leave it until you’ve done the rest 4. Combine everything in the top list up until the jackfruit in a blender and blend til smooth 5. Drain jackfruit and put in a pan on a medium / high heat for 25 mins mashing the jackfruit down every few mins until it starts to go alarmingly meaty and it’s got a small amount of juice left 6. Chuck it all on a baking tray with grease proof paper on gas mark 9 for around 15-20 mins til it starts to caramelise a bit 7. Cut rolls open, spread a little bit of vegan mayo, loads of jackfruit and some neeps and carrot. Serve while listening to ‘In A Big Country’ by Big Country on repeat forever

[noochorder]

TEMPEH GOULASH

serves 2 dead hungry people and a bit for yr lunch the next day

Heres about as authentic a goulash recipe you can get when you can’t use any of the actual ingredients. As the original has beef in it I’ve allowed myself to cheat a bit and make a marinade which hits that umami, fatty edge that cheap meat would impart. Also tempeh tastes like death without marinating it and seitan takes ages and always goes wrong. You really need to get some good quality sweet Hungarian paprika for this as it gives the majority of the flavour. For the marinaded tempeh: 1 and ½ tbsp veg stir fry sauce ½ tsp caraway seeds 1 tsp american mustard 1 tbsp miso 1 ½ tbsp tahini ½ tsp of good quality sweet Hungarian paprika 2 tbsp of hot water 1 garlic clove, bashed up and that 200g pack of tempeh ( defrosted if frozen), cut into 1.5 cm cubes ‘Muddle’ all of the marinade ingredients together in a sealable container, add tempeh and stir to combine. Put in the fridge overnight so it doesn’t taste like tempeh as much. For the rest: 2 tbsp chopped chives 2 onions, diced dead fine 2 green peppers , 1cm cubes 4 tbsp vegan red /white wine 2 tbsp tomato purée 3 tbsp good quality sweet Hungarian paprika 2 tbsp fresh lemon juice 1 tsp caraway seeds 2tbsp flour Salt and black pepper 4 tbsp of vegan margarine Big handful of flat leaf parsley , chopped ½ litre of water ½ tbsp miso 1 tbsp marmite 2 tbsp chopped chives 2 tbsp poppy seeds 500g spaghetti 2 healthy spoonfuls of vegan sour cream to top (home made or bought) 1.Put tempeh and garlic in zip lock bag with flour, a pinch of salt and a few twists of black pepper and shake. 2.Heat 1 tbsp marg and fry the tempeh and garlic on a medium/high heat in a biggish non-stick pan for around 7 mins til browned and great ( turning half way through) 3.BIN THE GARLIC DON’T EAT IT LIKE I DID WHEN I FORGOT TO BIN THE GARLIC 4.Cook onions and green peppers with 2 tbsp of marg until translucent ( about 7 mins), stirring occasionally 5.Deglaze with wine , add tomato puree and caraway seeds. Cook for 3 mins until the wine is cooked down a bit 6.Add loads of twists of pepper, paprika, water and miso and marmite 7.Bring to boil, reduce heat to medium and cook for 10 mins 8. Cook spaghetti like you cook spaghetti while this happens 9.add lemon juice, parsley and tempeh, and fold together gently so yr tempeh doesn’t get broken up. Keep on a low heat to warm through the tempeh. 10. add final 1 tbps of marg to drained pasta and mix with the poppy seeds. Plate the spaghetti 11. pop a couple of spoons of goulash on the middle of the spaghetti, top with a dollop of vegan sour cream and a bit of chives for ‘colour’

[noochorder]

TAGLIATELLE NOT CARBONARA

serves two hungry lads

1/3 block smoked tofu 1 tbsp of miso 2 tbsp nooch ¼ teaspoon kala namak Loads of fresh black pepper (probably a tablespoon) 250ml pack of soy cream 1 garlic clove bashed peeled and halved 12 fresh sage leaves 250gr tagliatelle 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil Ciabatta or something

Almesan recipe (slightly altered from the other ones online)

¼ cup of slivered almonds 1 tablespoon of nooch 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds ¼ teaspoon himalayan pink salt ¼ teaspoon of fresh lemon zest

1. Combine top 5 ingredients in a jug or bowl, mix thoroughly and leave for about 1.5- 2 hrs to infuse 2. In the meantime prep the almesan. Toast the sesame in a frying pan then chuck it all in a spice grinder or pestle and mortar it until it looks fine -ish. Put in a serving bowl. Do something else for a bit. 3. Boil your pasta in plenty of salted water until al dente (which means ‘ready to eat because it’s still a little bit hard’ in Italian) 4.Meanwhile, fry the garlic on a medium heat until browned and remove. Then fry the sage leaves til crispy and remove. 5. Turn heat off or decrease to very low and put in the cream tofu mixture to heat through. 6. Take cooked pasta and mix thoroughly with the cream so the tofu is 'populated’ evenly. 7. Bowl it up, grind yet more lovely pepper on top and garnish with about a tbsp of almesan 8. Serve with a toasted ciabatta or something to mop up renaming tofu and sauce and eat it

[noochorder]

BELGIAN BEER AND SMOKED TOFU STEW

Serves 2 greedily

2tbsp olive oil 2tbsp dark soy 2tbsp liquid smoke 10 mushrooms, sliced 1 prepackaged block of smoked tofu, cubed (viana works best) ¼ cup of plain flour 3tbsp vegan marg 1 ½ tbsp of apple cider vinegar 4 cloves of garlic ( 2 roasted, 2 raw) 2 onions, diced finely bottle of vegan Belgian dubbel or stronger beer ( Straffe Hendrick, Westmalle and Chimay have all worked well and are dead good anyway) 1 tbsp of light soy 1 litre of stock made from 1 tbsp bouillon and 1 tbsp marmite (better than bouillon no chicken works great here if you can get it) 3 tbsp dark brown sugar 2 big sprigs of fresh thyme 2 big sprigs of fresh flat leaf parsley 3 big sprigs of fresh tarragon 2 bay leaves 2 big potatoes, cut into thin French fry shapes with the skin on, rinsed in cold water and drained 1 tbsp + olive oil for frying Salt, ground black pepper Veganaise

1. Combine top 4 ingredients in pot, leave for about an hr, preheat oven to gas mark 5. 2. Dry fry these in batches in the pan on medium heat until they start to blacken a bit, then remove and put to one side 3. Fry onions and garlic for 10 mins on a medium heat with 2 tbsp of marg and 1 tbsp of sugar, putting in the flour about 2/3 mins from the end when they start to go translucent and stir to coat. Put to the side with all the mushrooms 4. Pour ½ bottle of beer in pot, deglaze and reduce for about 10 mins until halved in volume and a bit thick 5. Put reserved mushrooms onions and garlic back in with stock, beer, vinegar, light soy, marg, and sugar. Scrunch up the herbs in a ball and put into the stew ( easier to fish out later) cook on low heat for 30 mins or so while you do the chips. 6. “Muddle” (yep) the chips in oil and salt and put in oven for 30 mins or so, checking on them and flipping half way through until golden brown. Give them a few more mins if need be. 7. Take stew off heat, put in tofu and cover for a few mins (10 ish) 8. Fish out herbs, season with loads of black pepper and serve chips and stew with a dollop of vegenaise because that’s what you do in Belgium ok

[noochorder]

CAULI KARAAGE

- serves 2 as a starter

Crispy deep fried Japanese fried cauliflower. Or ‘Popcorn Cauliflower’ if your brain still confuses it with something from KFC you ate hundreds of years ago like me.

1 large-ish cauliflower ( cut into popcorn sized florets , dicing the stalk bit into similar size squares)

5 tablespoons of cornflour

½ teaspoon of fresh thyme, chopped

½ teaspoon of fresh oregano, chopped

half a teaspoon of himalayan pink salt ( or normal salt if you aren’t showing off like me)

2 pinches of white pepper

sunflower or other plain-ish oil

1 tablespoon sake or shaoxing rice wine

1 tablespoon mirin

1 tablespoon of ginger, grated finely

1 clove of garlic , grated

2 tablespoons of soy sauce or tamari (GF)

2 teaspoons of sugar

STEP 1: Add ginger, garlic, soy , wine/ sake and sugar to open airtight container , add the cauli, replace lid and shake well to combine.

STEP 2: Put in the fridge overnight ( airtight container will prevent your fridge from smelling like cauliflower death forever)

STEP 3: Go to sleep/ carry out other activities

STEP 4: Put the salt,pepper, cornflour, thyme and oregano in a bowl and combine evenly.

STEP 5: Dredge the marinated cauli in the cornflour mix until its dry ish and dusty.

STEP 6: Half fill a frying pan with oil and heat up to a medium high heat.

STEP 7: Fry in 2 batches for around 5-6 mins each, turning mid way through until golden brown and great. I sometimes drain them slightly on kitchen paper and then re fry the whole lot again for another 2 minutes but depends how crispy or brown or fried you like your fried things.

STEP 8: Drain on kitchen paper, serve on a big plate with some variety of dipping sauces ( sriracha, vegenaise, ketchup etc) and a hoppy fizzy craft beer which probably costs around 3 pound a can.