Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was swamped with homework. But, compared to today, yesterday is extremely boring.
I get on the bus, and, I will admit, and I'm fully expecting Amy to go out and tell Jeremy that I like him, however, at the same time, I feel like, "no, she wouldn't force that on both of us, she's our friend." Wrong. Fucking Wrong.
Nope, I hang out with her in line and then Jeremy comes up to the group and I'm so totally dreading this. Amy goes and pull him aside, and I full on glare at her back as she does it. I know what she's telling him. That I like him back. Then they walk back and I don't look at Jeremy because I'm embarrassing. Amy tells Jack. I would've been totally okay with this if she'd ASKED me before she went and told them both that information. I walk over, totally ready to yell at her, and she LITERALLY pushes me back, to where Jeremy is standing behind me, and says, REALLY FUCKIN LOUD, "MADDY, GO TO YOUR DESTINY!" and then I gain a new found love for Kol. He stands between me and Jeremy, totally unaware of what in the fuck is going on and just trying to be funny, he says, spreading his ridiculously long arms out, "I am the Destiny blocker!!!" I LOVE YOU KOL. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
obviously thinking it's the funniest thing in the goddamn world. Seriously Amy? Just what the fuck? This is between me and Jeremy. If he wants to ask me out, he'll do it.
So we go into first period and I don't look at him at all. I repeat to Amy over and over and over again, "I hate you so much right now," and her reply is, "no you don't, you love me!" grinning.
I just want to fucking punch that grin all the way PAST HELL and up Satan's penis.
After health I avoid Amy, Jack, and Jeremy and walk over to Kol and Drew. I tell them what's going on, mainly Kol though. I specifically say, "I may need the destiny blocker a bit longer," and then he asks why and I tell him, talking quietly and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach like I might throw up. Or burst into hysterical tears, either one.
We walk out to go to second period, because Kol is in the class with me. We talk about random crap, trying to take my mind off of it. Thank you Kol. I love you, but I will not date you, however. Sorry.
I avoid Jeremy the rest of the day, and give Aldenie a longing glance during second period, not knowing what I want.
Third period nothing happens except that I'm still sick to my stomach and not sure if I'm going to burst into tears or throw up.
I go to lunch and immediately pull Lexie over to the bathroom with me.
I tell her everything, what I'm feeling. How I don't know what my feelings are toward everything and how I don't know what I'm going to say. I tell her what Amy did first period and how I'm mad at her. We go back into the lunch room where she takes me to the lunch line to buy me a cookie. Have I mentioned yet that Lexie is my favorite?
Okay so Amy's ahead of us, and she walks over to me smiling and giddy and basically yells, "You're going to have a boyfriend!!!!!" and Curs is with her because they're 'bffs" she asks who. Amy says, "Jeremy." Curs says, "Wait you're dating him!?" she looked happy I guess? Apparently Amy's brainwashed everyone.
So I tell her no and seriously by this point I'm freaking out. Aldenie is within sight and Amy and Curs continue on and Lexie and I stay behind a little, to put space beween us. I tell Lexie how I don't know what to do about Aldenie and I've started tearing up with confusion and anger. Today has not been very good. And I am dreading tomorrow.
We get our "comfort food" and go back to our table and she asks me who I'd be more comforatble around. I tell her I honestly don't know. Aldenie is like the guy that romance novels are revolved around. He's funny, smart, gorgeous, and just everything I could possibly ask for. I get those happy and nervous butterflies when I'm around him and don't know what to do. Should I grin because he looks exceptionally good today? Or stay cool and composed so I don't come off as weird?
Jeremy is the opposite. He's, like I said in the last post, safe. I feel more or less comfortable. I don't have the butterflies or the thoughts, "omfg you're so perfect I just want to kiss you so badly right now kdslfjlsdakfjdsalkf" going on over and over and over again like with Aldenie. He's not what I would consider "exceptionally good looking" or very "good looking" at all by my standards. He's just a guy who's given me these complicated unresolved feelings from first grade and I don't what to do with them. Put them away in a drawer like I've been doing? Or take them out and try to find out what the fuck it all means?
She basically says, man that is tough! And she's right. We go outside and I freak out some more about everything. We go back to the bathroom and pass Aldenie and I think I see him look at me and that surge of butterflies doesn't help.
We get to the bathroom and I fall to the floor and honestly feel like I'm going to just burst into tears. Betsy comes in and we go back to the basketball court and Lexie tells her what's going on because I'm too emotionally exhausted to tell her. Then Amy comes back over to us and she asks if I'm mad at her. I yell at her but don't really remember what all I said other than, "I feel like you're pressuring him into doing this.... WELL MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE SET UP." and then she walks away. Later Lexie sees her looking over at us from her group of Curs and some other girls I didn't recognize. She's obviously been telling them about how "unreasonable" I am by the way she smiles and waves. By the end of lunch I've realized something:
I'm not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Amy's been more happy and excited about this whole thing, while I've been sick to my stomach not looking forward to it at all. He doesn't ask me out today, but I've decided to say no when/if he does.
My mom also helped with this descion. I finally talked to her about boys and it was surprisingly helpful. I don't usually confide to her about stuff like that, but I did this time. I didn't give her names, but I told her about both guys. How I've known both of them since elementary school. I tell her about how I generally feel around them and she tell me this:
"That one guy [Aldenie] is obviously a crush. But the other one, [Jeremy] is a friend. So he'd probably someone who would be a good first boyfriend. You could figure out what exactly it means to be in a relationship and feel comfortable at the same time. However, you're in middle school. What really does it mean to be in a relationship at this age anyway?"
This really helped. Although, writing all of this shit out, I kind of have realized yet another thing. I don't really want to go out with Jeremy at all. It's Aldenie.
Let me just tell you about sixth period really quick before I get too deep into my whole decision thing. So after we sang one of our songs for choir, we got a two minute break for working so hard I guess. And I pushed my stubborness aside for once to apologize to Amy for yelling at her at lunch. She had the fucking nerve to say,
"I don't think you yelling at me was called for, but I accept your apology."
SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU TOLD THREE PEOPLE [ONE OF THEM BEING JEREMY] THAT I LIKE HIM. WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST. THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND FUCKING JEREMY AND YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED OUT OF IT FROM THE FUCKING BEGINNING. YOU'RE NOT THE GIFTED OR SKILLED MATCHMAKER YOU THINK YOU ARE AND YOU NEED TO BACK THE FUCK OFF. I TOLD YOU I LIKED HIM. HE HAPPENS TO LIKE ME BACK A LITTLE BIT. THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GO AND TELL HIM THAT. JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE SIMILAR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER DOES NOT MEAN YOU TAKE CONTROL OF THE FUCKING SITUATION AND YOU NEED TO. BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF.
i think this basically explains why that was completely CALLED for, does it not?
So anyway, back to Jeremy and Aldenie.
I think I'm going to tell this to Jeremy if/when he asks me out, "Look, I do... like you, It's just... I don't think I'm really ready to be in a relationship. And, in middle school, what really is being in a relationship to being friends? I mean, sure, holding hands and hugging. But that's really not much. We might hang out occasionally but it wouldn't really be 'going out' or 'dating'. I think that I'd rather get to know the Jeremy that just got back from London before I decide to date him. So, basically, I'd rather say no for now and us get to know the more grown up versions of each other first."
I also realized that if Aldenie asked me out, like, next month, I'd probably be like, "YES YES YES YES YES YES OF COURSE. WE COULD EVEN GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES NOW IF YOU WANTED." but of course, my real reply would be this: "Uh....Huh..." while I'm smiling uncontrollably and looking like the biggest retard ever.
I think that Maddine is edgame. Sorry to say it.
