Norah Ruth Puckerman And if I didn't want you,
Would I arrive outside your door?
Bent but still unbroken, babe
Crying out for more, more, more...
Let's be real, if you're here, you already know who I am. I'm Norah Puckerman, guitarist, singer, and songwriter for The Sirens. Feel free to ask me questions, but know that I'm not dealing with shippers, 'kay?
[now an archive]
“Something like that,” she drawls, sighing as she fully leans down to brush her lips against Norah’s hair in a gesture that she tells herself is platonic and protective but really, she wants to sink next to Norah and completely lose herself in the other girl.
“I feel distant from Marley. I’m hoping it’s only because we aren’t rooming together at the moment. She’s my sister. She’s one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important. I love her. I don’t know what I’d do without her.” Nerves start to sink in as she realizes that perhaps, if she doesn’t do something about this, she could lose her sister for good.
“I didn’t go on a date,” Kat replies softly, letting the words hang out in the open before she acts on them. “I saw those pictures of you with that guy, and I jumped to conclusions, and I was mad because I thought now we were keeping things from each other, and it just spiraled out of hand.” Her grip loosens on Norah’s torso, just in case this blows up in her face and Norah sends her away. “It’s none of my business who you’re seeing– if you’re seeing anyone, and I suppose I just got…” Jealous? Infuriated? Hurt? Betrayed? “… out of hand. I’m so sorry, Norah.”
Norah nods as Kat talks about Marley. As important as Marley is to her, she knows she’s even more important to Kat. They both used to be so co-dependent on each other, enough so Norah was a little weirded out at first. Norah knows that Kat’s protective nature over Marley is partly her own need to keep herself busy and feel important and feel close to her sister. Cousin. Whatever.
“She’ll come around,” Norah says firmly but quietly. “She’d be crazy not to. She’s just...being angsty or something. Don’t worry about it.” Norah sighs softly and hopes that her words are true. She thinks they have to be, but she doesn’t know if she even knows who Marley is anymore. She’s never been like this. Still, Norah can’t imagine Kat and Marley being distant forever.
All of those thoughts leave her head as Kat says she never went on a date. Norah pulls back enough to look at her again, her face confused as she tries to understand what’s happening. Kat finally continues, and Norah’s stomach sinks. Oh. While Marley saw through any rumors right away, Kat didn’t...she has no idea how to take that information. She has no idea if she wants Kat to know the truth. She has no idea why that would lead Kat to fake a date.
Norah just sits there for a moment, unable to figure out what this all means. Finally, she starts to understand. Kat had been upset with her for not telling her something that was a big deal. That was it, right? So she figured Norah just needed a taste of her own medicine.
"Okay,” Norah finally says slowly. “I...okay.” Her head hurts trying to understand what’s happening, but she thinks she’s understands. “He’s not a boyfriend, though. Far from it. He’s just an old friend,” Norah says. She wants to warn her that she’s going to invite him to visit at some point, but she’s not sure she’s ready to say anything else on the subject. After Marley’s anger, she doesn’t want Kat getting upset, too. But maybe they’ll get a chance to meet when he visits...something about that seems exciting to Norah in a really weird way.
“I’m sorry for not telling you, though,” Norah says.
“Lucky you,” is Kat’s dry reply, but it’s more at the thought of sharing a room with a boy than sharing a room with Marley. She misses her sister/cousin, and she misses the closeness that they once shared. She’s perfectly well-aware that Marley is readjusting her list of people she can stand, and Kat isn’t sure she’s on it. The fact that they’ve been fighting more than they ever have lately is certainly giving Kat a red flag, but what can she do? She can’t make someone love her.
Which of course is very horrifying fact that Kat realizes as she pulls Norah in tighter against her chest.
“So did I,” Kat shrugs because maybe it’s not as serious to her. Anger doesn’t bother her, it’s a normal and healthy thing that people have to express sometimes. Especially sisters, especially cousins, and well, if Marley’s mad at her, they’ll work it out and she’ll get over it. Losing Marley is not an option and has never been an option for Kat.
“It’s alright. People get mad. Then they get over it. Marley’s going through a lot right now, and she doesn’t really know how to process it, I think. She’ll come around. And if she doesn’t, I’ll talk to her.”
hummingkat:
“Lucky you,” is Kat’s dry reply, but it’s more at the thought of sharing a room with a boy than sharing a room with Marley. She misses her sister/cousin, and she misses the closeness that they once shared. She’s perfectly well-aware that Marley is readjusting her list of people she can stand, and Kat isn’t sure she’s on it. The fact that they’ve been fighting more than they ever have lately is certainly giving Kat a red flag, but what can she do? She can’t make someone love her.
Which of course is very horrifying fact that Kat realizes as she pulls Norah in tighter against her chest.
“So did I,” Kat shrugs because maybe it’s not as serious to her. Anger doesn’t bother her, it’s a normal and healthy thing that people have to express sometimes. Especially sisters, especially cousins, and well, if Marley’s mad at her, they’ll work it out and she’ll get over it. Losing Marley is not an option and has never been an option for Kat.
“It’s alright. People get mad. Then they get over it. Marley’s going through a lot right now, and she doesn’t really know how to process it, I think. She’ll come around. And if she doesn’t, I’ll talk to her.”
"The one advantage I have,” Norah replies back just as dryly. Part of her had wanted a sister growing up, at least after seeing how Kat and Marley were together. The idea of having that kind of bond with someone was nice. Yeah, her and Jonah are obviously close, but there's only so much you can bond with a brother, especially one so much younger. If Norah was mothering Marley most of their friendship, that’s nothing compared to how Norah treats her brother half the time.
Thinking of her brother only makes her want to hold onto Kat tighter, which Kat seems to do as well. Maybe she can just tell Norah needs it. Regardless, it’s nice, and the overwhelming smell of Kat’s perfume and lotion and everything helps Norah block out thoughts of Jonah and how she feels like the most disappointing big sister on the planet. Jonah always looked up to her growing up; now she’s certain he sees her for who she is. It scares her to think of him looking down on her, even if she deserves it.
Hearing that Kat has somehow managed to piss off Marley makes Norah pause. Sure, the two have fought in the past, but it was always very sisterly and over within seconds, or with some short time away from each other. She can tell by the tone of Kat’s voice that this isn’t the case this time, but Kat still doesn’t seem so worried. Maybe Norah’s just used to families falling apart over fights, or maybe she’s just overreacting.
Of course, as upset as Norah is over making Marley mad, she’s also mad at Marley in return. “And I’m not?” Norah replies. Does Marley not realize that she’s also going through a lot at the moment? Norah sighs and shakes her head. “No, you shouldn’t have to do that. This doesn’t have anything to do with you. We should work it out ourselves.” But even as she says that, Norah’s not sure what she’s going to do to “work it out”. Apologize like she always has to? What’s she supposed to apologize for? For having low enough self esteem that she assumed Marley thought badly about her? For not telling her about her dad when Marley already knew the answer and couldn’t say it herself? She still doesn’t get why Marley couldn’t have asked her directly about her dad in the first place.
After a moment, Norah starts to think about what else she talked about with Marley: Kat. Apparently Kat hasn’t been on a date. Norah still has no idea how that could be true; why would Kat lie to her? She’s sure Marley has to have that wrong or something.
“I really am sorry about your date,” Norah mumbles softly. She turns her head a bit to look at Kat in the eye. “Anyone would be crazy to pass you up.” If any other girl was in bed with her, Norah would’ve made a move then. But this is Kat and she’s Norah and she’s also weirdly emotional and upset, so she just wraps herself up tighter in Kat’s arms. She knows she’s being dangerously obvious at the moment, but she’s too exhausted to keep up the front she normally has now that she’s as vulnerable as she feels.
#tbt to @norahpuckerman post #thesirens performing on their first national talk show back in 2015. Happy National Siblings Day even though you’re over the other side of the pond #puckersis (I think @hummingkat took this?)
And anyone who comments about The Wright Way or PMs me about it is getting automatically blocked and/or dealt with Puckerman style. Deal?
kittywilde and 459 more liked this ❤ 126 comments 💬
@kittywilde: The eyebrow ring and hair stripes. I forgot Kat let that happen #icant
@puckatisreal: KAT TOOK THE PICTURE OMFG I CAN’T BREATHE #CONFIRMED
@jonahpucks: [email protected].
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exercise gives you endorphins. endorphins make you happy.
and happy people don’t kill their bandmates.
they just don’t.
who: Norah Puckerman and Kitty Wilde
when: Monday, April 9th, around 7 AM to 12:30 PM
where: the hotel’s gym/exercise room
what: Kitty and Norah bump into each other while they’re trying to avoid their real life situations. Apologies, rants, and confessions all ensue.
notes: Again, I play both characters, but this one is written closer to a para than my last puckitty para. It’s long af and I don’t apologize~ I might need to do some edits, but this at least follows what I want/need to happen
Norah was confident in her musical abilities - it was what made her famous and what actually somehow got her through college - but she was even more confident in her body. And, no, not in a pervy way and not just because of her hotness, but because she was strong and fit. After years of volleyball training/conditioning and her own love of working out, she was proud to show off her work.
She had also learned that working out was a good stress relief. While she normally turned to less than healthy things for more immediate comfort - the exact order of preference being something like sex, alcohol, cigarettes, sex again, junk food, more sex, weed - she still knew she could turn to working out when need be. She tried to work out every day anyways, and a lot of times it felt like a chore, but after the last few days, Norah needed to book herself some gym time.
Thankfully they had a free day. Norah probably needed to publish some sort of insta or tweet about the music videos or something, but, then again, maybe she needed to just stay away from social media all together. Another fortunate fact was that the hotel they were staying at was super swanky and had a ridiculously nice gym that most people weren’t taking advantage of. Dumbasses.
Norah got herself up early on Monday, long before Kat woke up - Norah was so grateful to have her back that she couldn’t even put it in words - and she climbed out of bed. After a quick breakfast of oatmeal and coffee down in the lobby, Norah went to the gym with a water bottle in her hand and her hair up in a ponytail. The room was a bit chilly, but Norah soon got herself working hard enough that she could appreciate the temperature.
Norah was doing everything possible; she let her body tell her what to do next as she blasted music on her earbuds and avoided thinking. She loved just being in the moment and getting out of her head - when had she even started getting so wrapped up in her thoughts??
However, being in the moment meant she was very aware of Kitty’s presence as soon as she walked in.
Kitty had woken up when Marley did. Her girlfriend - that was a word that made her anxious and giddy all at once - was excited and up early to go meet her mom at the airport. Kitty was happy for her, but she knew she wasn’t ready to come out about their relationship to Marley’s mom. Millie seemed sweet and it wasn’t like she was going to talk to her parents or anything, but Kitty just wasn’t ready for anyone to know outside of a few band members. Admitting it to herself was scary enough.
Kitty made sure to tell Marley that, and Marley had already told her it was fine if she wasn’t ready, but Kitty still felt guilty. It didn’t help that the atmosphere of the tour had started to turn really sour. People were mad at each other, it seemed like everyone was fighting, and Kitty, who loved herself some drama and conflict, was starting to get stressed out. That combined with finding out her best friend had been dealing with something that Kitty hadn’t even noticed, something that Kitty should’ve noticed, made her feel even worse.
It didn’t make sense. Not the part about Rachel having anxiety issues; Rachel was always high-strung. But how had Kitty not noticed? Well, she assumed that was part of why Sabrina was so freaking weird around her and why Kitty thought something was happening there, so she had noticed something. But Kitty had wanted to be a therapist. She studied psychology. She knew the terms for all the various anxiety disorders, she knew how they were treated, she knew the warning signs and symptoms. Had she been so consumed by her own dumb issues about having feelings for someone who had the same feelings back that she couldn’t even see her best friend’s struggles?
Apparently so. Kitty wasn’t going to make the whole thing about her, of course, but she just felt pretty shitty. So after Marley left, Kitty had some breakfast and went down to do her daily work-out, only to find Norah was already there. Norah, who was fighting with her girlfriend and knew about the word “girlfriend”. Norah, the girl Kitty had tried to sleep with and accidentally insulted. Norah, the girl Kitty still hadn’t apologized to.
Kitty was genuinely sorry for what she had said and how it had hurt her. She had been a bit confused by how she had even done that, but she knew she had and she was working on the apology mentally. She wanted and needed to do it right, for Norah’s sake and for Marley’s, too. And then that article came out, and Kitty really understood a lot more. A whole lot more. And not just from a sympathetic angle, but from a much personal angle, too.
Kitty gave Norah a small smile and a wave in her awkwardness, and Norah gave her a simple nod of her head back before going back to her barbell squats. For a moment, Kitty thought about talking to her, but Norah seemed far from ready to talk, so Kitty instead climbed onto a treadmill and started her workout.
Every now and then, Kitty watched Norah from the corner of her eye. It was honestly impressive seeing how much lifting she could do and how hard she was obviously pushing herself. Kitty watched her circuit train, doing sprints and burpees in between lifts to keep her heart rate up. Now it really made sense why Norah was, well, so hot.
But Kitty started to get worried when she had finished over half an hour on the treadmill and Norah was still going hard. She had obviously already been in there for a while. And as Kitty neared the end of her own work-out regimen, Norah was still going.
Kitty sighed to herself. She couldn’t let this go on any longer; the woman was going to wear herself out, or maybe even hurt herself. Kitty walked over to the bar where Norah was currently doing pull-ups. Which, again, was really damn impressive. Norah pulled out an earbud as Kitty approached. “Yeah?” she asked.
“How long have you been here?” Kitty asked.
Norah pulled herself up once more with a small grunt before dropping down. She looked at her watch. “I guess...three, three and a half hours?” Norah panted. She grabbed a towel and wiped some sweat off her forehead and the back of her neck.
“Are you trying to hurt yourself?” Kitty asked.
Norah snorted. “I’m fine. This is nothing compared to college volleyball training.”
“Yeah, which you haven’t done in years,” Kitty pointed out. Norah rolled her eyes and stretched out her arms for a moment before going back to the pull-up bar for another set.
“I’m fine,” Norah said firmly. After another pull-up and a groan, she held herself up there and asked, “Anything else? Or can you leave me alone now?”
For a moment, Kitty considered just walking away and letting the girl get in her own mess. But, no. She had already ignored Rachel’s problems and was hiding from Marley; the least she could do was help out someone she had hurt.
“I just wanted to say...I’m sorry. About Vegas,” Kitty said.
Norah looked over her shoulder to study the smaller girl for a few moments. After a few beats, Norah hung from the bar and looked back in front of her. “No sweat. You don’t need to worry ‘bout it.”
Kitty rolled her eyes at Norah’s attempt at being cavallier about the whole thing. “No, I do need to worry ‘’bout’ it. Because I hurt you and I shouldn’t have done what I did and you deserve an apology.”
“And now you’ve given it. So we’re done here,” Norah said after she dropped down from the bar again. She went back over to the weights and started to do bicep curls. Kitty followed her over, since she wasn’t letting Norah get off the hook so easily.
“We’re not done until I say we are,” Kitty said, starting to get a little pissed off. Why was Norah making this so difficult? “Will you stop working out for one second so we can actually talk about this?”
Much to Kitty’s surprise, Norah paused her movements. After a few seconds, she carefully put the weights on the floor and turned to Kitty, her arms crossed over her chest. “We both know you’re apologizing because of your girlfriend,” Norah said quietly and coldly. “But you’re running a bit late on that, seeing as how she probably doesn’t care anymore.”
Kitty’s face softened. Norah managed to kind of get her on that one. “Yeah...well, she told me to apologize after it happened, yes. But if I had known what I said had hurt you, I would’ve apologized anyways.”
“It didn’t hurt me,” Norah said immediately, cutting over Kitty’s last words.
“It did,” Kitty said back calmly, but firmly. It wasn’t a question; she knew Norah had been hurt, and after that interview, Kitty could’ve put it together without Marley spelling it out for her.
Norah stared at Kitty with her jaw clenched for a few moments. Then she lowered her eyes to the floor. “Yeah...fine. It did,” Norah mumbled.
“I know,” Kitty said quietly. “And I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just...I was so into Marley I couldn’t even speak to her at first. I didn’t know what to say around her, but I knew how I felt about her, even if I convinced myself that I didn’t.” Kitty hugged herself as she thought about how insecure and tortured she felt for those first months on tour. Norah looked back up at her with slight confusion as she waited to see how any of this lead to that night that kind of exploded.
“And with you...we just had chemistry. And with how you talked and joked and flirted...I thought you were into me. And I’ve tried for years to deny what I’ve felt about girls, and I thought maybe if I got with you...maybe I’d figure out if I was really into girls or not. And if I was into girls...” Kitty shrugged and gave a little half-smile, “Well, you could teach me how to be good at it.
“Then I started spending more time with Marley and I kind of thought that was off the table. But when Marley told me she liked me, I panicked.” Kitty sighed and shook her head at herself, “I told her I didn’t feel the same - you know that, I think. I think she told you all of that.
“But then we were in Vegas,” Kitty continued. She smiled and said, “When Kat and I went to that gay club...I felt this sense of community I never had before. And seeing all these people being proud of themselves and being ridiculous and carefree about it...it gave me hope. And I thought I was finally ready to tell Marley. But then I remembered Quinn, and I didn’t know about...well, you and Quinn.”
Norah seemed surprised that Kitty knew about then, but she soon nodded. “Yeah. Part of why we didn’t want to hook up this year was so you wouldn’t find out.”
Kitty nodded back. “And I didn’t want her to know the same thing about me.” She looked down at the floor and continued, “So then I was drunk and I remembered what I wanted with you at first, and I...I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking right.” She looked back up at Norah and said, “I’m sorry that I treated you like that. And I’m not just saying this because Marley wanted - wants - me to. I really do feel bad.” She paused before adding, “And it’s hard to make me feel bad about a lot of things, so consider yourself special.”
After a moment, Norah nodded again. “Cool. Well, thanks. You aren’t the first one who wanted a night with me and you won’t be the last, but thanks.” Norah turned back and grabbed the weights again, this time punching the weights forward one by one.
“You’re welcome,” Kitty said, still watching the other girl. She knew that was all she really needed to say, but she still couldn’t leave it there. Was dating Marley making her be a good person? Ugh.
“So...?” Norah said looking back over her shoulder at Kitty. “Do you mind? I need to get my heart rate back up.” She put the weights back on their stand and grabbed a jump rope.
Norah started to jump as she swung the rope, and Kitty said, “Haven’t you worked out enough? You seriously need to give yourself a break.”
“I’m good,” Norah said. “We don’t have anything today, so I can relax later. Gotta stay occupied somehow.” Well, yeah, Kitty could understand that. She was almost about to leave it there when Norah stopped jumping. “Did Marley...has Marley said anything? About me?”
Kitty hesitated. “Um...a little bit. Not these last couple of days.” Norah looked at her and Kitty sighed. She didn’t want to betray Marley’s trust, but she figured some honesty wouldn’t hurt them. “She’s hurt that you haven’t told her things. Because she feels like she’s told you everything and you haven’t done the same.”
Norah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s basically what she told me, too.” Norah whipped the jump rope against the floor and Kitty jumped at the unexpected sound and action. “Sorry,” Norah said towards Kitty, who just shook it off. “Don’t you got to help her greet her mom or something? Why are you here?”
Kitty crossed her arms. “...Marley told her she was dating someone, but she said we didn’t have to tell her it was me. And...I’m just not ready to tell anyone else. We’ve only told our best friends - Rachel and you.”
“Yeah. Best friends,” Norah said sarcastically.
“You’re still her best friend. She’s just hurt right now,” Kitty said.
“Yeah, and I’m not?” Norah replied with a raised eyebrow. “You know, I was just trying to celebrate Passover and do my damn job. And then I made a complete idiot of myself and embarrassed myself and my family in one fucking blow, and Marley’s mad at me for assuming she thinks of me the same way as everyone else? She’s mad at me for being insecure when she’s just as bad as me? She’s mad at me for not telling her the truth about those fucking paparazzi photos? Don’t I have enough fucking things to worry about? She even knew who the guy was and she’s still mad at me when she could’ve just fucking said that she knew and ask me why I was with him.” Norah whipped the floor again before dropping it and going over to the punching bag. Kitty followed her in concern and, in all honesty, intrigue.
“I tell her almost every fucking thing about me, more than I ever tell anyone, and it’s still not enough for her,” Norah continued as she put on a pair of boxing gloves. “And now I’ve been embarrassed in front of the whole god damn world and have random creeps trying to figure out how much they need to pay me for a night together - do I have an hourly rate? Do I charge less for a blow job or a quick fuck? What about threesomes? - but does she even give a fuck? No! Why should she? She asked me once if I’m okay and that’s enough, right? It’s not like we can worry about me for once. Oh no, let’s not worry about Norah. It’s not like every fucking member of our band and her family has her back about her eating disorder, whereas I can’t even look my brother or ma or even my dad in the face ever again.”
“She didn’t really put her eating disorder in the best light,” Kitty pointed out as Norah started to punch the bag skillfully but with a bit more force than necessary. “It’s a serious thing - and yours was, too. And neither of you should be ashamed of either situation. She has a real psychological problem and you were taken advantage of - ”
“Can people stop. Fucking. Saying. That?!” Norah yelled, emphasizing her last words with violent punches against the bag. She threw in a kick and said, “I knew what I was doing.” She kicked it again. “I wanted to do what I did.” Another kick, “I enjoyed doing it.” Going back to punching she angrily said, “I’m not some fucking victim. I’m just an idiot who thought she liked sex and was getting some and was mature and good for her age and that’s why they all wanted me. But it turns out I was just some fucking whore only good for one night and it’s all I’m ever gonna be.” With that, Norah kicked the bag one last time and it fell over.
Kitty looked at the fallen bag with wide eyes and then back over to Norah. Surprising Kitty yet again, Norah had fallen to the floor and was crying; Kitty had never seen her cry. It was actually really unsettling to see someone so closed off and angry and stoic cry like that. Norah started to take off her boxing gloves and then she noticed that Kitty was watching her. “Oh fuck,” Norah said, quickly throwing the gloves violently against the floor. “Jesus Christ, just go away. Please,” Norah pleaded as she turned away.
“No,” Kitty said firmly. She walked over to the other side of Norah and sat down in front of her. Norah tried to turn again, but Kitty grabbed her by her shoulders. “Listen to me. Listen to me,” she repeated when Norah tried to move yet again. Norah finally looked up at her and Kitty looked right into her eyes.
“You may have it wanted it, but you were fifteen. You didn’t know any better - don’t interrupt me,” Kitty said as Norah tried to interject. “Those people at the magazine weren’t even trying to say you were at fault, because you aren’t. Some creepy people tried to take advantage of a young girl who needed money. And that’s fucked up.”
She squeezed Norah’s shoulders and added, “And you’re right. You’re not a victim. You’re a survivor.”
Norah rolled her eyes. “Christ, that was awful.” Kitty’s eyes narrowed slightly and Norah let out a dry laugh. “God, Kitty, I know you wanted to be a therapist or something, but you don’t know shit about this situation.”
“Actually, I do,” Kitty said coldly. She was cold enough in her tone that Norah didn’t respond. Kitty closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at Norah. “When I was fifteen, I was molested.”
Norah looked at her curiously as her blood ran cold. Kitty stayed silent and Norah finally, softly asked, “How did it happen?”
Kitty withdrew her hands from Norah’s shoulders and brought them to her lap. “I was at my friend’s house - a cheerleader from my private school my freshman year. She fell asleep, and her brother...” Kitty swallowed and said, “Well, I already told you what happened with that.
“And when I finally told my parents, they tried to sue him and get him punished, but no one believed me,” Kitty said quietly. “Why would they? I didn’t say anything, I didn’t make any noise. I’m sure a lot of them thought I enjoyed myself or wanted it if it even happened. The only people who believed me were my parents and Rachel and Quinn.” Kitty paused for a moment to collect herself before continuing, “I quit the cheerleading team and switched to Rachel’s school for my sophomore year.”
Kitty shifted in her spot to get a bit more comfortable. “I never told anyone this but my therapist, but...but sometimes I thought it really was my fault,” Kitty admitted softly. “I had sat next to him on the couch. I thought he was cute. I was wearing a nightgown that made it all too easy...” Kitty wiped at her eyes and scoffed at herself. “God, I haven’t cried over that in years. This is embarrassing.”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Norah said. They were both silent for a few moments as they sat facing each other. Finally Norah put a hand on Kitty’s leg and said, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“Thanks,” Kitty replied softly. “And I’m sorry it happened to you.”
“Except it’s not the same thing,” Norah said. “I really did want it. I initiated return visits and flirted with all of them.”
“You were still a kid and they were still adults who shouldn’t have done anything,” Kitty said. Norah pursed her lips, but remained silent. After a little while, Kitty added, “And I think that’s why you were hurt when I said I only wanted one night, right? Because you’ve been used for sex before.” Norah shrugged and Kitty said, “Well, you’re worth more than one night. Who the fuck cares what some trashy Jersey old people thought? You’re hot and you’re funny and you’re a lot sweeter than you let on. And you definitely care more than you show. And you’re worth more than just your sexual prowess. If you ever wanted a relationship, you’d be a catch and more than worth it. But you don’t want one, and that’s fine..”
“But I do want one,” Norah said quietly. It was so quiet, Kitty almost thought she imagined it. “I really do want a relationship some day,” Norah said a bit louder. “But I can’t do relationships. I’m a Puckerman; they don’t end well for us. And I don’t just mean for my parents. The longest relationship I’ve had outside of my family is Marley, and that one’s dying. And it’s not like anyone would take me as a serious romantic partner; not anyone who knows me. Not anyone who I want to take me seriously that way.”
As much as Kitty wanted to ask who Norah meant, she resisted that urge. “You and Marley just need to talk it out. After hearing both sides of it...” Kitty sighed and said, “I just think you need to talk for real.”
“I guess,” Norah said.
After that, they both sat in silence for a little while. Kitty was thinking of asking more questions or something, but Norah beat her to breaking the silence. “I’m so sore and tired,” Norah admitted, collapsing her body forward.
Kitty had to laugh a little at that. “C’mon. Let’s get you stretched and out of here, okay?”
“Okay,” Norah replied softly.
The two girls spent some time stretching everything as best as possible. Then they grabbed their stuff and left the gym well past noon by that point. They had been in there for a long time. Norah was walking a bit stiffly despite the stretching; she was really going to regret going so hard for so long the next day.
When they reached The Sirens’ suite, which was a few doors down from Divine Influence’s, Norah paused. “Hey, Kitty?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for everything,” Norah said genuinely. “I really mean it.”
Kitty smiled. “No problem.”
Norah opened up the door and Norah looked back at Kitty again. “And Kitty?”
“Yes?”
Norah made a face and whispered, “Don’t tell anyone I cried in front of you, okay?”
And I scream from the top of my lungs, “WHAT’S GOING ON?!”
To say Norah felt less than sexy as kind of a big ass understatement. It was strange; for someone who loved joking about sex and, even more so, loved having sex, not talking about it or wanting to even think about it almost felt wrong. Which was messed up in its own way, but whatever. Norah would never, ever claim to not be messed up. But it was weird not to want to be sexy or anything because that was her whole image. She was the token bad girl, the sexy one. She wanted to just skip over all of her big songs since, wouldn’t you know it, they all involved sex to some degree.
But Norah was a professional. She could be dumb and she joked, but she took the band seriously. She really did. So Norah vocalized during the first half of Divine Influence’s opening act - thank god she hadn’t started that second pack of cigarettes yet - and then came on for “Turn the Lights Down Low”.
Norah managed to make it through that song as well as the whole of The Sirens’ set. She gave it her all, even though she just wanted to curl back up with Kat in bed like she had the night before, but she made it. And then it was time for the encore. That was the best part of the show; they could sing other songs, goof around, have some fun. And Norah had planned something rather cathartic, so she went up to the mic right before their usual closer.
“This is a song I haven’t done in public,” Norah said honestly into the mic. “Not an original, sorry, but a cover I’ve wanted to do for a while anyways. But I got Fiona to help me here on the drums, and I got my guitar, so...”
Normally Norah would just leave it at that, but she took a moment as her lips pursed. “Do you ever just...” Norah laughed a little, since she just did not know why she was still talking, “Do you ever get so pissed and confused and angry and sad that...that you just want to scream?” Of course, the crowd scream in response and Norah laughed quietly for a short moment as she strummed out a single chord on her guitar to calm herself. “Yeah...yeah, I think we all can relate to that. So if you know this one, please feel free to sing along at the chorus - you girls can, too,” Norah told the other girls on stage before going back to the audience, “and let it all out with me. Oh, and my apologies to any He-Man fans.”
And with that, Norah started to play the guitar and let all of her emotions out in one great, big scream of a song. And if she didn’t have as much of her voice left for “Wannabe” as usual? It was worth it.
This time, Kat keeps her eye-rolling to herself. If she was rational, she’d query as to why Norah would phrase it as girls when she has a boyfriend, but nothing about Kat is rational at that moment. There is nothing rational about being in a bed with Norah and not giving in to everything she’s thought about and wanted. If she does, though, Kat would never forgive herself. Norah clearly needs a friend, and clearly doesn’t want her.
“I’m so used to sharing a room with Marley, I don’t know how to co-inhabit with someone who can choose to not have me as a part of their life,” is Kat’s only reply, and as she moves one hand to slide down to the small of Norah’s back, it’s a little more intimate than she’d imagined. Then again, she’s never been like all the others and willingly jumped into Norah’s bed, and Kat so desperately wants to mean more than that.
“I’m different,” is all Kat can say, because it’s true. She’s too far gone for Norah to let her fuck up their relationship, and having Norah in her life is decidedly better than not having Norah in her life. She doesn’t want Norah to fuck her, she wants Norah to love her, and that’s the biggest difference between Kat and any of her attempts at a relationship. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. Even if I take a week to get over myself. I’ll always come back.” Get over you is what she wants to say, but judging by their current position, she’d be more than lying to herself.
“You didn’t help anyone cheat,” Kat reassures her, pulling back so that her lips don’t ghost over Norah’s forehead. She could really give herself some trouble if she lets this go too far. “Norah, you were a teenager. You didn’t know what you were doing. You couldn’t consent, you were a minor. It’s not your fault. You don’t ruin relationships. At least, not this one. Even if something went south as a result of the business, it’s in the past.”
"I’m glad I never had to share a room with Jonah,” Norah mumbles. Sharing with Marley or another girl would’ve been fine, but sharing a room with a boy? Ugh. She was far from the cleanest person ever, but her brother was a total, gross mess most of the time. But thinking about Jonah right now hurts. Though he never admits it, Norah knows he looks up to her, even if he wasn’t going to go in the same direction career-wise. He learned to avoid articles and fansites and interviews early on in her career, but a bombshell like this would be hard to avoid, especially when she’s probably already the talk of the town. A lot of people already knew what her services entailed, but she hopes Jonah didn’t. She hates the idea of disappointing him - or her dad for that matter.
Kat saying she would never her makes Norah close her eyes tight. She doesn’t want to cry ever, she never cries, she doesn’t do feelings, but that...no one’s ever said anything like that to her. All of her relationships faded over the years, and now even Marley seems ready to leave her. Anyone saying something so sweet, even if Norah doesn’t believe it, was going to make her want to cry in gratitude and relief and pain, but Kat saying it? Norah just tightens her grip and stays silent.
She barely listens as Kat defends her yet again. Norah’s feelings are all mixed up as of late. She doesn’t even know what’s upsetting her the most: the article, everyone’s reaction, Marley’s anger, or her own realization at her past self. There's still some sense of shock in her system over her own realization, and she still can’t hear people say it wasn’t her fault. Not right then. But when Kat’s lips brush against her forehead, Norah almost shivers. Even if it wasn’t Kat, even if this wasn’t the most emotionally vulnerable she had ever been, she’s so wound up that a simple, platonic touch makes her wake up in a sense. Not even sexually, necessarily; just having physical contact helps, and the closeness feels nice. Kat being the close one just makes it even better.
“I made Marley mad,” Norah says once Kat’s done speaking. She doesn’t want to keep talking about her past job at the moment, since it wasn’t the pressing manner and she’s already tired of being told it wasn’t her fault and all of this bullshit she doesn’t really believe. She wipes her thankfully not-that-wet eyes and pulls back a little to look at Kat. “Not because of that. I guess me assuming she thought badly of me meant I thought badly of her. And I wasn’t honest with her about some stuff.” Norah snorts and rolls her eyes; while she loves Marley and knows she messed up, she still thinks Marley’s acting like a brat. “I don’t like her being mad at me. It’s really not helping the situation,” she admits, her eyes casting downwards.
If Kat isn’t sure what the situation is, here, it’s immediately clear to her as soon as she hears Norah sniffling. The girl is made of steel, and if someone is going to completely break down, it’s never Norah. Still, if anything, this solidifies her decision to come over, and she feels decidedly less pathetic for crawling back to the girl she loves with her tail between her legs.
“I just rolled my eyes so far back in my head, I think I saw my brain,” Kat deadpans, but her snark is instantly negated by the care she takes in wrapping her arms around Norah’s torso. She relishes in the fact that her skin is still warm from the shower, and tries not to think about Norah under the spray.
“I missed you.” She could not hate herself more for saying it, and as the words float above their heads, she immediately wishes she could suck them back in. “I’m sorry I left.” Her confessions are snowballing down the ice-covered hill of truth and now that the floodgates have been opened, Kat is sure she’ll go too far sooner rather than later.
“I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel better,” she continues, turning her head so that she’s talking more to the curve of Norah’s shoulder than the girl herself, “but I need you to know that you matter to me much more than my own pettiness and annoyance over something so incredibly stupid. I’m sorry for how I acted, and I hope you can forgive me. I want to be here for you, in whatever way I can.”
Norah, of course, still can’t stop herself from dryly replying, “I tend to make girls do that.” She clenches her jaw again as Kat wraps her arms around her. Norah hides her face against her neck, not wanting to look her in the face right now. With all of her messed up emotions, seeing Kat’s face so close to hers would just make things more messed up. But having her hair tickle her nose and the scent of her shampoo and lotions and perfumes and whatever all she uses to look so put together? That may not be the best thing, either. Still, Norah closes her eyes and lets herself melt into Kat’s hold.
“Really?” Norah asks, a little surprised that Kat would think that. “I missed you, too.” Norah finally wraps her arms around Kat in return. “Having a room to yourself isn’t as fun as it was when I was a kid.” Norah pulls her head back to look at Kat, wanting to tell her that she has no reason to apologize, but Kat just keeps talking, not even looking at her face.
Norah settles back into the curve of Kat’s neck and lets Kat talk. She’s not sure anyone has ever apologized like this. She’s used to apologizing. She’s the one who screws up. She’s the one who makes the mess. Why is Kat apologizing to her? She doesn’t even realize that she missed an opportunity to make a dumb joke as Kat talks.
“Why are you apologizing?” Norah asks, though she doesn’t move her head from Kat’s shoulder. “I was being a bitch. I deserved you leaving. It’s what I do.” She tightens her hold on Kat, her thoughts swirling around her dad and Marley and how she constantly screwed up every relationship she had. “I either fuck someone or I fuck it up. Or both.
“It’s too bad I can’t get paid for ruining relationships. You know, except for the people I helped cheat back in Jersey,” Norah says, trying to sound like her usual light hearted self.
