[ f2f ] rachel/kitty
kittythedivine:
Kitty paid special attention to Rachel’s hands as they twisted up on themselves, which just worried her more. If Rachel had to think that much and was anxious just to tell her about what was happening, what could Kitty do to help her? What if this had been going on for years and she just never knew it?
Thankfully Rachel finally answered and at least it wasn’t a years-long thing. But four months? That was still a long time. “Oh,” Kitty said softly, since she felt like she had to say something but she didn’t know what. She tried to think back on that time, but it seemed so long ago. So much had changed since then, from her understanding of her own feelings to her relationships on the tour to, well, everything. Did she notice Rachel acting weird, or was Rachel just such a great actress she still hadn’t realized? She couldn’t really remember any of it.
Kitty looked right back at Rachel as she finally looked up at her. Kitty’s eyebrows pressed together in concern at the words panic attack. She could remember all the symptoms she had read in her textbooks - dizziness, trouble breathing, nausea, all of that - and thinking of all of that, how Rachel of all people, her best friend and rock and everything, had to deal with that made her want to cry.
Kitty’s eyes looked down at her lap as she blinked fast, which was kind of difficult with all the mascara the TV station had put on her for their performance. She felt a small sting when Rachel explained that Quinn knew, too. Even if it wasn’t her business to say so, how could Quinn have kept that a secret from her? Why would she? Why would Rachel? She wanted to ask that so badly and know what she might’ve done wrong, what she did to make Rachel think she couldn’t understand or something, but she knew it wouldn’t help to ask it right then. Rachel was obviously, well, anxious enough.
“Have you talked to anyone about this? Like, a professional or someone?” Kitty asked after a moment, her eyes finally looking back to Rachel. “Is it like tour stress, or do you think it’s something more serious?”
Kitty’s soft ‘Oh’ felt a bit like a dagger to Rachel’s heart. She’d not only let herself down, but her best friend as well. Rachel wished she could go all about it differently now, but there was no way to fix what was done. All they could do was move forward, and the only way that could happen was with Rachel being honest.
“I don’t know what it is. Or what exactly triggers the attacks. One moment I’m perfectly fine and the next I can’t breathe, or I can’t feel my face or legs. It’s all out of my control, and I hate it.” Tears stung the backs of Rachel’s eyes, but her rapid blinks did nothing to keep them at bay. They soon pooled and eventually tracked down her cheeks, but Rachel made no move to wipe them away.
She was a planner. From the time she could hold a crayon in her fist and write out her goals, Rachel planned. She planned her life’s dreams, she planned out her days, her excursions, many of their songs, their setlists. She controlled all aspects of her life that she could, and to have that simply ripped from her with no warning--
“It’s embarrassing. I’ve performed all my life and suddenly now I can’t hack it without breaking down? I didn’t want to worry you or Sam. I didn’t want you to have to hover or take care of me or be afraid that I would lose it while on stage. But I haven’t enjoyed hiding this from you.” Guilt surged again as Rachel’s vision tinted green around the edges. “And I’ve thought about telling you for weeks now, but you’ve always been...preoccupied. First with Katrina and now with Marley.
“And please don’t misunderstand me, Kit,” Rachel was quick to adamantly impress upon Kitty that she wanted nothing but the best for her. “I’m so happy for you, that you’ve taken this step toward being a more authentic you, and that you and Marley are figuring out how you fit together. But I’ve missed you. And the time we have spent together, I didn’t want it to be weighed down by all of this mess,” Rachel motioned to herself. “And yes. Quinn connected me with her therapist.”