the penguin

not a penguin blog. Pinguins are just cute. I'm just "ranting"

[notapinguin]

I hate this

I wish my boyfriend was here

[notapinguin]

I am officially not even friends with him. I'm fucking done putting effort into this friendship. Whenever he is with his other friends, he doesn't even greet me by mouthing hi or wave his hand. He completely ignores me. Even after Thursday when I sat down and asked him to explain why he seemed down and he talked about his job. Even after Friday afternoon when we hanged around Rio Piedras and then came back to uni because he hadn't been done talking on Thursday. After all that, that motherfucker still ignores me when we are with his other friends.

On the other hand, I'm glad I can finally stop pretending that there was any chance I would even be civil with them. Finally, I can stop wondering about that possibility. And I don't know why one of them, Lorena, seems so fucking delicate with me. On Thursday, I asked her a question and she seemed scared. I genuinely feel like there is something going on that they've talked a lot of shit about me the way they do with everyone. The reality is I don't care. I don't care if they talk shit because they do it so much and exaggerate it, it becomes meaningless.

I am just sad I realize I lost a friend. At some point, we were actually friends. Now I have to ignore him when I pass him by. If he wants to be a fake bitch so be it. When he realizes that his friends aren't actually his friends and tbey are just using him, I can't promise I'll be there for him to listen to him rant until he realizes his mistake. And that is if he has the self-respect to realize that which I don't think he does until it is too late.

[notapinguin]

I didn't think he'd be like that. The type to leave someone on delivered. I was wrong. I don't understand why but then again at this point it shouldn't concern me. I think that's why it's taken me awhile to let go of him. I hadn't realized that. I thought he was different but he's just like a lot of people. I thought at least we were friends but it turns out we're just coworkers. I imagined that maybe I would invite him and another coworker to do something for my birthday in October, but know I think that is a far away idea. Honestly it hurts a bit. I just hope I can finally let go of this man knowing what he's really like. He's a good person just like everyone else. But maybe not the right person to be close with. I liked him, not just as a crush. As a perso. As well. He was very sweet. Yet, ever since he came back he has been distant and I am tired of stressful feelings toward this situation that is only happening in my head. I imagined us talking like how we talked before he left. It was a nice conversation. It might be the deepest conversation we've ever had. He's told me multiple times that if I leave, I have to let him know. That was before he left. When he came back, he said something like

'Damn you're still here?'

Or

'I can't believe you're still here.'

And it sounded like he wanted me to leave. I don't know how to feel about him. But i don't want to be bothered by what he thinks. It's always so complicated. I cant predict how he feels or thinks about me. I dont know if I'll continue to be delulu or just face the facg that he might not even like me. Not even as a coworker. Just that random dislike people have for others.

So a coworker just wrote in the chat that her schedule was changed. Meaning that his schedule for the week was going to be changed. And my disrespectful-towards-myself-ass was about to check. I even opened the app and everything but closed it before I could check. I'm putting my respect first.

Nvm parece q hicieron el cambio ayer y ya lo habia visto.

Nvm lo chequie y por ahora vamos a trabajar el sabado during the sort of same shift.

But he keeps living rent free in my mind.

I keep saying خلاص خلاص خلاص خلاص

Enough about him. I'll only view him as a normal guy from now on.

It has been tiring. It is time to say 'until next time', not goodbye because I don't like those.

مسالمة

[notapinguin]

I fucking hate having a crush carajoooooo

Too much stress might as well quit😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[notapinguin]

Quiero lloraaaaaaaar (porfa escuchen eso con una melodia)

No puedo con mi ansiedas. Hay cosas q todavia me faltan para la propuesta y no pude terminar el informe de espectrofotometria ni empezar el otro. Siento q me va a dar un ataque de panico por eso. Ademas de eso, tambien tengo un poco de ansiedad social. Aunque a veces la gente se rio por lo q digo, en mi mente creo q verdaderamente lo toman como un insulto y estoy tan preocupada por que no les quiero caer mal.

Cuando fui a almorzarz, lo hice con un compañero de clase y sus amigos. Lo hice para no sentir la ansiedad sobre los informes, pero despues me enfrente con la ansiedad social. Teniendo cuidado con todo lo q dijera. No se fue hasta q me encontre con una compañera para seguir trabajando con los informes y ahi volvio la ansiedad pq sinceramente no sabemos lo q haciamos. Tengo muchas ganas de llorar pero las lagrimas no salen. Y cuando vuelva, tengo q pretender q todo esta bien

#bathroomchronicles

#life

#anxiety #university #uni #chem #chemistry #iwrotethisinthebathroomcauseineededabreakandfeltlikeiwouldgetaheadache #smilethroughthepain #pretendeverythingisfinebecayseeverythingisfine

[notapinguin]

Chemistry is fun??

Chem lab has actually been fun lately, but I think it's mostly the people that make the time in the laboratory enjoyable. Although, the experiments are fun as well.

[notapinguin]

Physics wtf?!?!?!?!

I have the time to study, yes. But the motivation though. It's not really there. Im not very interested in studying oscillations or wave motions. Anyone else feel this way?

[notapinguin]

First day of college

I'm not even sure what to think yet. But here are some things I learned from the first day

Many exams won't be during class hours (doesn't make any sense)

The school probably uses a bunch of resources online. Locate them

Was the rush of putting make-up on even worth it?

Don't completely rely on groupchats for information. It's not usually accurate. Just pay attention in class.

Locate places for food or bring food from home. If not, you might starve.

I think that's it. Honestly, I spent most of the day alone because I had mostly morning classes and the people (person) that I had met and become most close to had afternoon classes. It would be nice to make class friends but I'm too shy so I'll just see how it goes tomorrow.