No We Don't Accept Starbucks Cards Goddamnit

Ramblings of a barista who may or may not work in the cafe of a major chain bookstore. (My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the company.)

[notastarbucks]

have you ever had so much coffee it feels like your heart is trying to succeeded from your ribcage?

[dope-barista]

"Can I have a glass of ice water?"

- Everytime I’m on bar…

[sbucksbarista]

I make your girlfriend scream louder then steamed eggnog.

[celebrationuponcompletion]

chances are, my store is cuter than yours

[notastarbucks]

The other day a lady was practically yelling at a new partner because her frappuccino chips were "blended too fine" and that her other starbucks makes bigger so we just fucking topped it with those big chips that won't even go through the straw.

A woman comes into my store every night and aggressively specifies that she wants a skinny mocha frappuccino WITH NO SUGAR AND NO COFFEE AND EXTRA ICE SO IT'S REALLY REALLY THICK. She would hover and yell over the counter asking what each thing was every time you put something in the blender, all while repeatedly asking if it was sugar free. Every. Damn. Night. (She didn't have any health issues she was trying to "watch her calories") 

I finally just started to straight up blending a scoop of ice with a few pumps of sugar free mocha. 

(She said it was perfect.)

[retrolizard]

*rude, impatient customer voice* can i get my coffee?

me: well sure you can, sweetie!

Ẉ̶͍̮͚͉H̩͚͚̗̼E̪̤͎͔̥̜̟N̵̢̧̘͕ ͎̗̼͍̞̀I̷̢̳͡T̯̼͠’̨̥̜͚͇̫̫͡ͅS̪̦̹̠̠͎͠ͅͅ ̩͙̙̮̣͕̜̞̳͜Y̗O̵̥͖̝̤̩͞U̟͞͠R͏̜̺͚ ͎̮͓͜ͅF̫̘̰̘̙̞͇Ṵ̢̡͉͔̝͔͞Ć̢͔͍̙͜ ̨̥̩͚K̴͇̗̩͖I̷ͅͅͅN̩̹͞G̸̛̲̼͔̰͖̻ ̭̼̬̦͉̼̘͙T̸͙͚͕̩̭͈̟̙Ư̮̜̩̱̬̼͜͞R̸̛̳̭̦̳͔͡N̢̫͇̹̱̬̠̼̤̘͡͞

[heisenbergsvagina-deactivated20]

i thought that having pumpkin spice lattes would mean less frappuccinos

but apparently it just means more pumpkin since frappuccinos

[notastarbucks]

When a guy gets mad while waiting in a rush and says "by the way, I saw you make that other persons coffee before mine" right as he leaves so you can't strangle him

What's a line???

Queues?????????

Why do I not get special treatment?????????

[notastarbucks]

I'm so happy I found your blog. Omg. The struggle is real B( I worked in an independent cafe forever before I moved. But now I'm moving back home and applying at a certain corporate store- may the sort of mermaid god have mercy on my soul- ANYHOO. Any tips for someone who's left a small business and moving to a big corporate cafe?

Thanks for the support! 

Probably the most important thing to know is that even though you were a barista at an independent store, it doesn't mean you will know how everything works at a corporate store. Just be willing and eager to learn! 

[notastarbucks]

Last night a family decided to have a gd reunion in our café (and didn't leave til close), complete with several obnoxious brats who spent the entire time running around yelling (while the parents ignored them). My shift and I wanted to throw wet bar towels at them. Two people came in at one point, and when I asked "anything else I can get you" after their order, one jokingly said "one child, extra crispy". With a straight face, I said "there are several running around I can grab for you".

[dudeshesgay]

I think I spend 90 percent of my shifts listening to girls ask if we have pumpkin spice and when I said we have it, I hear: -*screaming* -“omg thank you so much” -“I think I just died!” -“I can’t even” -“you’re my hero”

And so on… You think I’m joking but every time they at least scream with a similar comment as those.

[flawlice-deactivated20160906]

so yesterday I made an iced venti 30-pump chai and today I’m still worrying that I probably killed that dude

[cowgirlsteph]

This girl orders a bagel, asks for it not toasted. When she picks it up at the bar she doesn’t even touch it and is like “I didn’t want this toasted.” Jokes on you bitch! You’re the one looking stupid now cause I didn’t fucking toast it!

[notastarbucks]

how do you even make an iced cappuccino? i was never trained to do that so i literally just make iced lattes on the rare chance someone asks

They don’t exist. What makes a cappuccino a cappuccino is that half of it is foam. Which you can only make in a hot drink.

People are just dumb. And then you get the "But the other store made it for me just the other dayyyyyy" comments. Bullshit. 

(But yes I usually recommend an iced latte for people who ask.)

But there was something about Tim Hortons selling an “Iced Cappuccino.” I think they’re just coffee flavored slurpees or something like that. 

You fucked up, Canada. 

[notastarbucks]

DRINK OF THE DAY: Venti iced cappuccino with whole milk 8))) Also: "Can I get a tomato caprese without the tomatoes?"

why

why

Also: "Can you take the chipotle out of the turkey chipotle?" 

[notastarbucks]

How should I handle this. I come from a drive they only store but I also 2nd store experience at lobby's. I've been with the company for 3years and I'm now at a cafe/drive thru store. And for the two weeks I've been there,every fucking shift is on my ass, and these 6m-1yr. baristas are on my ass too. like watching my every move. It's like bitch slow your roll I know what I'm doing. I'm not a fucking idiot.I feel like I'm the new one there they wanna put me down or test me.

CRUSH THEM WITH YOUR SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE 

WHEN SHIT HITS THE CEILING YOU'LL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HANDLE IT 

[notastarbucks]

Since the pumpkin spice latte came out this week one of the guys keeps answering the drive through in the best way possible

Robert: welcome to starbucks home of the pumpkin spice girls, tell me what you want what you really really want