d.b.

23. I write to discover myself. Read. Maybe you can, too.

[notawritergirl]

IS IT REALLY A THIRD PERSON?

Long time no see.  How have you been?

Honestly, i don’t know to whom i asked that question. You or me? Let’s do both. I don’t know what brought me back to Tumblr. But I’m glad that I’m here. 

Lets talk about the elephant in the room (the room = my giant, overly flooded head). Often referred to as the third person, kind of a stranger to everyone (mostly myself): The Inner Me (TIM as i named it, silly i know).  I’ve been brought to attention by my own mastermind that I should rethink the relationship with TIM and stop referring it as a third person. Well, this happened over a course of time, lets head to the back of this story, cause its always somewhere in the back. 

So, I moved to Germany in January (though only for a semester, still nice to say it in my head). And ever since I started spending a load of time with yours truly, and trust me, a lot of time, I actually met that third person in person. Turns out we’re not strangers after all. BFFs as you’ll call us. We sat and talked out our issues, since communication is the key to any healthy relationship, and agreed on some points. Although we had our share of arguments that involved blaming each other and not giving enough time to each other and making excuses for everything and getting other people in between the two of us. But after hours, days, and months of communication and long walks, we decided to shake hands and call it a phase. And now we’re taking out time to strengthen our relationship by sharing stuff like feelings, and only feelings for now, cause apparently TIM is a tad conscious about its her belongings. I have made peace that. After all, she also needs her ME time. (very bad but pun intended). I’m thankful to her everyday for being my side when I feel alone, cause only she knows me Inside Out. (again, pun intended)

So, you saw how me and my TIM are best buds now. We kinda lost our love to the world outside but it was still in the air, we just needed to look out or in this case, i’d say look IN. 

Hope you’d try that too. And the above picture, its from one of our very long walks ;)

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“Let go of expectations. Let go of your attachment to outcomes.”

—

[notawritergirl]

Word.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“What if I told you 10 years from now your life would be exactly the same. Doubt you’d be happy. So why are you afraid of change?”

—

[notawritergirl]

[notawritergirl]

“heavy traffic in your area, slower than usual.” - my phone tells me while i’m lying on my bed. i guess Maps know the directions to my mind better :)

oh yeah, this click. meet my new green friend. (he’s cute, i know) He has been growing so fast lately, since i brought him. earlier i used to forget feeding him on some days when i had prioritized other useless works over him. but now its alright. he’s loving the new and never-ending attention. why wouldn’t he? after all, he’s living with me. i guess, we got something in common. 

anyways, how are you guys? haven’t seen in you a while. life’s sucking good? nice to hear that ;) i’m good too, like always. 

i know i’m being more casual today, but aren’t we all most of the times? 

i got so full today, of course with life, that i had to open my laptop and start running my goddamn fingers on the keyboard. it feels like even a single layer of cloth is a burden right now, considering what all is on my mind. do you feel the same? i know some of you do. this is for you guys, who’ll, i’m assuming, understand.

it’ll all pass after some time.  meanwhile, don’t forget yourself amongst this “heavy traffic”. you’re important.

signing off

~d.b.

[notawritergirl]

Not so vulnerable or maybe.

Vulnerable (what my friend Google says): adjective~ exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Past few years of my life, since I was tagged a teenager, I've been changing and evolving a lot, and by a lot I mean massively. One thing led to another and here I am with a pack of emotional cigarettes, one puff at a time.

I guess it's time to get the ashtray, cause like they say: smoking affects the non-smokers in the same room.

The word vulnerable has been on my mind for a few years, and like I have issues differentiating myself between introvert and extrovert, the same way I've been figuring out my vulnerability.

It seems being vulnerable was me at the age of 15-18. And I clearly know what and who inspired me to change, rather improvise, my perspective towards everything, be it any* relationship with a person, or taking my decisions. It all changed drastically, and I'm glad about that.

Now I'd say I prefer not being vulnerable, but maybe some situations may change this view of mine. It's all about SELF-CONTROL (work under progress).

I don't know what state of mind I'll be in 10 years from now. but what I do know is if from now I've started working upon myself (includes my physical habits, my emotional reactions, my bonds with others, my temper and a million more) , I'm sure of one thing that I'll be in a SURVIVABLE world, no matter what I lose or gain in this period.

The thing I wanna convey to y'all is start framing your personality as per you are from inside, because some or the other way it is gonna reflect in your actions. so it's better to be clear about your perspective to others, and especially to yourself. you don't want to have a dirty mirror in front of you, and complain about it the whole life.

Work on yourself, growth and outgrowth will reflect eventually.

[notawritergirl]

I do not write poetry; I take words and dip them in feelings.

Arti Honrao

💓💭

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“You see what kills your body but you don’t see what kills your soul.”

— Lacey Sturm 

[notawritergirl]

sometimes you refuse to see it, even when it's right beside you.

[notawritergirl]

Love, even if flawed, did exist

don't blame the past! don't blame the people in the past. dont blame yourself for making the wrong choices. don't blame the time when you meet that person who broke you, who made you believe that he cared, who made you believe that he loved you.

love, even if flawed, did exist. it isn't anyone's fault, that you weren't able to keep that love for long. it isn't true that the love that you got was fake. it isn't true that the time was wrong and the stars were not right in your case.

you were completely indulged and accommodated by love and it was endless and limitless. you didn't know how to criticize the situation, the people around you, the things you did to make by yourself happy. That doesn't mean you can conclude that love, at that time, didn't exist; that the love, at that age, was meaningless; that the love, with that person, was not real.

love, even if flawed, did exist.

[notawritergirl]

7 years. 7 relationships.

i was 13 when i had my first boyfriend.

and now I'm gonna be 20 and I've had 7 boyfriends since then. big news, is it ?

*such a slut she is!* *oh, fuck, how!*

*who gets into a relationship at 13?*

blah blah blah.

oh, this? these are you guys talking or blabbering shit out of nowhere.

well, I don't give an eff about the shit coming from your side. I give an eff about the shit going on in my head when I read the first line, again. you should too I guess.

let's start again..7 years, 7 relationships.

what could have happened to the first which led to the second, and the third, fourth, and so on. Does that show that i might be way too lonely that I'd end up being in relationship with any guy I'd start talking to? okay, some of you call it desperate.

i myself realized it right now, and went into a deep thinking. first question to myself: what was i doing all these years ? second ques: why couldn't I find "the one"? third ques: why am I thinking about it now?

answer 1: experimenting to find the best suitable.

answer 2: maybe, the process takes too many reactions and catalysts to develop the kind of heat I was searching for.

answer 3: because i realize that i started learning about my interests and needs at 13 (& that's pretty early) and since then I've discovered a lot of me in myself.

~what didn't come to my mind?

*ive been through so many relationships, am I at fault somewhere?*

answer to why I didn't think of that: because im confident enough about myself that if I didn't stay with someone, there might be some reason, maybe I wasn't compatibile, maybe I wasn't comfortable, maybe I wasnt free, maybe it was my self-esteem, maybe(s)....

#in fact I'm happy about it, even if I didn't find the one, I took enough time to find the real me, and feel what my soul really feeds on.

and my life has been simplified, finally.

(P.S: hope the experiment comes to an end, and the heat produced is in the form a spark to my future)

[drowned-city]

[notawritergirl]

i left a part of me there, but im not afraid to lose it. cause NYC is ❤️

[notawritergirl]

Some cities you want to visit, some cities you do. Some you stay in, and some stay with you.

[notawritergirl]

Being misunderstood ?

being misunderstood is as important as being understood. Well, that's what I think.

you get to know yourself better, in a lot of ways.

i know you've been misunderstood a lot more than the times somebody understood you. so I'll take you as an experienced in this field and also to understand this stuff.

when was the last time somebody misunderstood you for the first time?

I know you remember that, don't you?

and maybe you don't know who was the first to understand you..right?

because you give yourself away, and react too much only when you get hurt. not when you're accepted by someone.

you yourself would have misunderstood a lot of people and things.

okay now tell me one thing

did god send you with a user manual?

with all the instructions and weaknesses and strengths that you and everyone around you should consider before talking to you ?

people use you, with care or without, because they don't see the tag on you, that you're fragile too.

if they misunderstand you, you can guide them. if they still don't, you leave them.

sounds simple? no right?

im learning to do that only. how heartless?

is that what you're thinking?

someone's misunderstanding me again.

it's okay, I understand myself.

that's enough for now.

[notawritergirl]

false judgement

when a person shows his flaws, he's judged.

when a person writes them down, he's judged too. but the latter judgement is appreciable. cause then he becomes an inspiration for others.

why can't we simply observe someone's flaws and learn by them ourselves?

why do we need a note or a reminder, to get awared of such flaws?

aren't we big enough to deal with it ?

if suppose i wrote my flaws down and what i went through when i was dealing with them, you'll relate it to yourself and get inspired idk how.

but if there's a situation when i did something wrong, one of my flaws, it can't be called an inspiration. rather you'll immediately start judging and cursing me.

is that fair, to me and you?

realization at the correct time is the solution. observe yourself. analyze your methods. improve your actions. judge what needs to be judged. learn to move on if you can't handle. start living in reality.

i swear life is not meant to be 24/7 happy. but you can keep yourself satisfied at every point of it.

[notawritergirl]

When everything is perfect, life is over.

[notawritergirl]

What is it ?

sometimes i stand in front of the mirror, look at myself, actually stare. like im some kind of criminal. looking at every detail on my face, touching them with my finger tips. thinking what it could be that they fall for?

is it the scar on my right cheek or the mole above my upper lip, or the hair reaching my waist? i don't get it. then I look at my hand, left hand, the wrist. they're lines with a lighter skin tone than the rest of my hand. they're many, but countable. they're old and worthless. i feel them with my finger tips and think what made me do that? someone? how did i give him so much importance? after staring at it with a blank face, i forget about it.

i get back to the face and the body and the hair.

sometimes I stare myself in the eyes. with the kohl i like them. without it, people will doubt me or judge my life status, maybe?

they do that often.

i end up putting the eyeliner with a wing, and some lip balm and appreciating the mole (thats the part i love the most in me).

not to forget, I do the above every other day, whenever there's an encounter of me with my mirror. he's one of my family members. he's important. i won't break it.

(maybe because it's not a heart xP)