who did you leave behind at xavier's? do you miss them?
( / gray faces. he half missed them but they're the ones that tend to ' hurt ' people, they bring something dark that dampens the people he can see, the people he can talk to and it makes their shoulders sag when they think, when he reads their words and there's something heavier about them. he thinks that's what they call sad, and surely this question is meant to be no different because it pulls a kind of emptiness in like a blanket and brings tears hot and stinging to bright blue eyes that are not his own. and then there's the tell tale clacking of keys, he should be answering instead of thinking of gray faces and the way they mask their sometimes horrid curiosities, their sometimes horrid words.
because he's really supposed to be thinking about xavier's but thinking about xavier's is another lifetime, a loss -- it's very far away and he struggles to bring the words to his tongue, struggles to think, struggles to make it real before the memories wash in over him like a tide and it's like he's watching a movie that isn't visual, only letters that become pictures that thrust him back in time --
there was the dancer boy who brought with him fire from his hands, the ' older brother ' who swore to bring him light but cast demons into people's heads. the girl who calls himself his older sister when she's still younger than him, she's graceful like a wolf and can turn into one, too --. there's so many people. so many that he half forgets their names but it's easy to roll them off his tongue -- but it's a sin, he was cast into a white hell and so he does not speak their names lest they turn to nothing, too. ) " i'm not sure what you want to know, gray face -- you know, it's been written somewhere that i'm not meant to have friends and missing someone seems like an awfully hard thing to do --
besides, what does it feel like to miss someone?? for me, i feel monsters nipping at my toes and the rest of me and sometimes i wonder if there's anything left but then i'm still here talking to you so does that mean you're missing someone or does that mean you're suffering?? i wonder if you can see the bloody mess." ( / a quick and biting laugh. he continues to think and all his memories of xavier come to him in droves, he tries to stop but it only intensifies the throbbing in his temples so he just lets them wash over him like the sea he's drowning in. ) " i left behind a lot of people, but -- i don't .. .. " ( / a pang in his heart and he's certain it'll rip him in two, and if he's not careful it could. he sighs, he purses his lips, he continues, ) " but i guess you want to hear about someone since you're curious enough to ask and idk should i be talking to you in italics, i hope you don't think i'm rude or i'm mad or anything because i don't even know what it takes to be angry, i -- " ( / he clamps his mouth shut like it'll stop the train of words pouring from fingertips, and it almost does, for a moment -- but it doesn't stop the thoughts, so he's still watching letters become words and words become sentences and wow, this is probably really confusing and not what this anon expected at all. oops, he's probably been doing that a lot tonight -- )
" there was once a boy who could turn things to gold and it was written to be that he was special, and i created butterflies in the pit of my stomach that exploded in shots of gold and blue and colour. but something happened, and he left, too." ( / a thin, wan smile takes his face and he rests his head on the nothing that surrounds him, closes his eyes. ) " we were all of us born from nothing, so we go back to nothing. xavier's is easy to leave and die a death without words, or maybe it isn't since i'm still sitting here. or well. i don't know, does being able to type these words to you mean i'm really sitting here?? what do you think, anon?" ( / he laughs and it's loud and it echoes in the nothing, so he just sprawls his limbs out onto white expanse and lets himself be covered by the words. ) " anyway, that was another lifetime in a closed directory so maybe it's time for some new memories. or not. i don't know. maybe it's just better if i sleep if i can, but oh, insomnia --"
