I am not sure how to define myself often, what gender means to me is weird. I remember being 8-10 and thinking about how "men" looked like and realizing that I was not the size or build to be that. And that shaped me, because at that moment I felt as if BIG M Masculinity rejected me, and being a maybe 20-25 kg (yes I was healthy, just a family trait for some reason) kid rejected back.
Now as a 25 getting and some time away from 26 I think about how that petty moment affected me, because I am closer to being able to that idea of a "Man" but at the same time it truly does not hold any interest to me. There are plenty of reasons, be it the fact that my skin color confuses the hell out of whomever first sees me, the fact that I have so many nicknames and people often even have issues saying my first name, let alone saying my full name. My identity as a person I see it as a FUCK YOU to so many things. Especially those that try to box me in and put me in weird areas of existance.
Few people who speak Spanish ever try to speak in Spanish to me despite me talking to them in Spanish, the look of confusion and doubt they give me is honestly absurd. It is almost the same as when I approach someone and try my broken French and they realize that I knew what they were saying about me.
The identity I give myself is me, I think they/him fit, but also have never really tried any other way yet.
I am rambling and going nowhere with this, but I felt I needed to get it out to an extent. Maybe this is me just telling myself to say he/them for once. Not in shame, but with some pride. Because that is who I am and who I want to be seen as.
And because enough people have encouraged me, I am also posting my writing at random intervals. Open to suggestions and maybe some light criticism.
If you want to ask for pictures or selfies send asks for that.
