Not for Open Mic 🎤

The stuff I don’t read at open mic night

[notforopenmic]

Manifesting Girlfriend

I live in the Pacific Northwest, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who believes deeply in the metaphysical. There are many flavors of this, and I am open to some flavors more than others. One idea I cannot get away from is this thought that if you write down everything you want as highly specific as possible, the universe will grant it to you. This works for things like homes, jobs, relationships, travel opportunities, etc 

I think I've already done a couple of blog posts where I've waxed poetic about what I'm looking for in a woman, but here is a list. It is itemized. 

I don't actually believe in this. But having grown up in a crazy ass religious household where I was given a version of this, except that you had to ask god, there is still a part of me that kind of believes this could be true. 

There is a part of me that thinks “well, I'll just do it as an experiment.” If you end up getting everything you want, then that's evidence that it's real. If you don't, then that's more evidence that its not. 

Some of the things on the list I know I won't find out until part way through the relationship, and I'm okay with that. We are supposed to be as indulgent as possible with our lists, so the universe can show us how powerful it is or some shit. 

There's a part of me that wants to just throw everything I possibly can at the business of finding a partner. This is why I keep online dating, even though I'm 90% sure that is not how I'm going to meet my people or person. If I don't try everything, and I end up alone, I will blame myself for not having tried hard enough to find a woman/women to love. 

There's a part of me that thinks, how could it possibly hurt to have a list?  Its better safe than sorry, right? So here is the list. I am in my 40th year, so 40 items is symbolic. Who knows? I may even find her before I hit 41. 

1. Beautiful

2. Sexual

3. Socially aware

4. ACAB

5. Ethically diverse

6. Smart

7. Kind/Sweet

8. Cute

9. Fun/playful

10. Hilarious

11. Good with kids

12. Loving

13. Empathetic

14. Deep thinker

15. Critical thinker

16. Non-judgmental

17. Open-minded

18. Substance-free

19. Not too "woo"

20. Appreciative of art

21. Sees me

22. Loves planning events and surprises

23. Drives

24. Has their own space

25. Forgiving

26. Prioritizes health

27. Open to life

28. Believes in possibility

29. Cares deeply about others

30. Wants me

31. Loves me (even if just as a fellow human at first)

32. Knows life is short

33. Plans for a life that will be long (ex, buys a house without stairs so they can grow old in their own home)

34. Gives good hugs

35. Smells right

36. Loves good music

37. Enjoys live shows

38. Can teach me life/survival skills

39. Can read me

40. Loves my kids

There it is. That's the list. It feels a little strange posting it. I think it's inviting judgment. It's also just a stark wall of all of these things that I want, and I'm wondering if I could possibly get even half of these. 

But the "experiment" is to ask for everything your little heart can possibly think of, so that's what I'm doing. Funny though, you could spend your entire life thinking maybe it just hasn't happened… *yet*

But I won't go there… yet. 

In other news, things may be crumbling between the Kingpin (queer poetry/polyamory royalty) and The Scientist, as a ripple effect of The Scientist breaking Mercury’s (one of Kingpin’s other gf's) heart. 

Or this could just be a weird blip and as Mercury heals, things between Kingpin and The Scientist will return to normal. 

It shouldn't, but having fewer people to “compete” with gives me a tiny thrill. I think it has to do with feeling chosen. Which is so ridiculous. I could be the next one out. I guess I’d like a chance at being her girlfriend, even just for a little while. That overwhelming “can it ever even happen for me” is a storm cloud over my head. But I think she realized she's not pro-label, so I doubt she'd call me her girlfriend after all this other fallout. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The Scientist said if things end with Kingpin she is fine with letting them flow that way. She would make a great Buddhist. She did not say they are breaking up. And even if they do, that doesn't mean that she's interested in changing our relationship from what it is. She likes the shape of us and I have to admit I also do… 

Am I longing for something deeper with her and just unable to be honest with myself? Or am I just longing for something deeper, period, and have to keep my life open and continue to search for who that might be?

[notforopenmic]

Beach Dates and New Standards

I'm in an Uber on the way to another daytime picnic date at the beach. For the first time, I didn't exfoliate my entire body, shave everything, and moisturize. What is the point? I am never going home with any of these women at the end of a first date anyway. I have had zero luck in that department, it seems to be the culture now, so why do all that work? I'm going home alone. This date already has an end time. She asked me out for from 12-2. And while I appreciate her candor, there is just no romance to that. Off to the beach. 🏖️ I need to find a way to get excited about this date because it feels futile. 

2 hrs later, back from Beach: 

Here's another thing: I keep going out with women I'm not physically attracted to. Not exclusively– there have been cuties and beauties— but I have just gone on two back to back dates where I was not physically attracted to the woman. We are so compatible, it just seems silly to let a little something like appearance ruin something that could be so good… 

To be fair, I was never that physically attracted to Jack, either. At our most in love , I did think he was handsome. But he was not my type or what I was physically looking for, at all. We still had the most intense chemistry I've ever experienced in my entire life. We still had sex that felt like spiritual experiences. Sex that made me feel like I left my body. It didn't matter that he was almost 15 years older than me, and he was starting to lose his hair and that he was not in good shape. It mattered that our connection was undeniable… and then our disconnection was undeniable. 

Anyway…I think I'm going to institute a new rule that if I don't find the person at least average attractive, I'm not going to match with them. Dating this time around is about actually getting what *I* want out of the relationship this time. And being with somebody who turns me on is something that I want out of the relationship this time. 

So the date was fun. I enjoyed our conversation. Just like the date was fun with the person I went out with on Monday, just like most of them have been fun. But now with these last two being with women that I haven't really been attracted to, I feel more worried that they are going to want to go out again than that they won't. I think I'm already arranging a second date with Monday girl who's blog name I already forget, and I am willing to give a chance for attraction to grow. 

[notforopenmic]

Sapphic S*x Party

Saturday night, I walked into the sapphic sex party, and there were maybe 10 to 15 women there at that point. By the end of the night I think it was closer to 20-25.  Most people are still wearing street clothes although there are a couple people in lingerie already. I keep my dress on over my baby doll for a while. 

Everyone is just sitting around talking. For some reason Lady Ink has no music on. She just did this at her first get together too— I am the kind of person who makes a specific playlist for each gathering, so this drives me slightly nuts, but I roll with it. 

So for the first hour or two it's mainly just casual talking, getting to know each other. Then Lady Ink starts calling people into the kitchen one by one to check their STI results on their phones and write down the date of their last SDI testing on their bracelet. I'm one of the last people to get checked, and when she sees that I've only gotten the vaginal test done and I haven't done the throats or  anal swab because it was not recommended for me since I haven't deep throated or had anal sex in over 10 years, she said that I could still have a wristband but she wasn't going to write a date on it, so people would know that I hadn't done the testing she asked for within the month. That was fine. 

Guess who I ran into around then? The Scientist and girlfriend number 3 who we'll call Muse since The Scientist considers her, her Muse.

The Scientist ended up coming by the sex party after she finished at the fundraiser. I ended up watching her play with Muse in the bedroom, and then I joined but only played with The Scientist while she played with Muse. So it was a threesome, but I did not play with Muse. Still, I have now had a threesome with The Scientist and one of her girlfriends, so that's cool. 

Afterwards, The Scientist and I had some solo play together on the bed, while Lady Ink and Muse had sex on the floor mattress. 

After that, some other women came into the room. There was one who I was attracted to who came in and she and I and The Scientist and this other woman who I was not attracted to, all started kind of touching and kissing each other on the bed but it didn't go further than kissing and touching each other's breasts. I did not end up touching or kissing the woman I was not attracted to and she did not end up touching or kissing me. I only ended up kissing and touching The Scientist and Nipple Ring, which we will call the girl that I did play with, because she just had her nipple pierced and requested that no one touch it. 

After that I was pretty spent. I wonder if my sexual energy will ever come back full force like it used to be. I used to be able to go for an entire night. But I know the past few years have completely decimated it, so it makes sense that it would take a while to come completely back online. Also physically I'm just not in his great shape, through no fault of my own. Chronic illness/disability sucks.

 I say this because after that there was a demonstration with a fucking machine, and after that there was a hot redhead who I was specifically hoping would be there that night because I wanted to fool around with her, lying on a mattress in lingerie in the living room and wanting someone to play with her, and everyone was too spent, including me. 

I wanted so badly to be able to just get on the mattress with her and just start fooling around with her in front of everybody, but I just couldn't. 

So instead I sent her a message telling her that I really wished that I could have fooled around with her, that she was so hot, and she said well maybe we can hook up at the next Gathering so fingers crossed! I really hope I didn't miss out on the opportunity to play with her forever because she is hawt. 

She would also be the first trans woman I would have ever been with. I know that people get weird when people mention something like that because it's like, oh that shouldn't matter. But it does matter. That's not why I'm attracted to her. But I'm happy whenever I think about getting to be with a type of person I haven't been with before. Especially having trans children, I think it's important for me to be able to say “Yes, I have been with trans women.” Not hypothetically that I would. But that I have. 

All in all I'm glad I went to the party even though I was really apprehensive about it. The woman who is hosting the topless dance party wanted me to know that she's hosting another one in June and wants to know if I would be interested in coming to that one, so I feel like now I have to be honest with her and let her know that I'm not comfortable being topless in such close quarters with men, which sucks. I hate talking to people about things 😅 

But I feel like honesty is the best policy. I don't want her to think that she's the problem or anything like that. It's probably best to just be straightforward. So I guess I'll be doing that. 

Speaking of which, we finally told the kids that we broke up. They had zero reaction, I mean not one word. Probably because they've known for months that things have changed between us. I mean, I haven't worn my giant ring in months and months so I'm sure that was a pretty big tip off. 

I have however picked out a right hand ring for myself that I'm excited to buy next paycheck. It looks vintage and has obviously been modeled after a popular vintage ring design, it’s moissanite in silver not diamonds in gold. It could be a symbol of the fact that I love myself and I put myself first and that I and the only person in the world who's putting myself first, so I better do a good job. 

Or it could just represent the fact that I miss wearing a sparkly ring. 😅 💍 Either way, I have loved this design for decades and I'm getting it. 

Speaking of rings, everyone saw the massive ring Jack got me, and I haven't worn it in such a long time. Do you think people are wondering why? Have they made assumptions or drawn conclusions? Probably. Ugh. We haven't told people we've split up and we're not going to. Unless we're put in a situation where we have to tell— because people know we're poly, so even if they see me on a dating site, or out with someone, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. So unless we're specifically asked if we're still together, I don't think we're going to tell people that we're not. 

It's really not anyone's business whether or not we're having sex. We're still a family, we're still support people for each other, and what we do with our sex organs or whether or not we kiss is not anyone's business.

We told the kids for the sole reason that we didn't want them growing up thinking that it is normal or okay for your partner to not say that they love you, show you physical affection, and all the other things that Jack and I are no longer going to be doing with each other. Otherwise, we wouldn't have even told them.

Anyway... It's 1:30 p.m. and I'm sitting here in my pajamas being depressed. I have a date tomorrow at the beach, and another one I believe this Thursday at the house so I should probably finish my laundry and start cleaning.

I like what I have going with The Scientist, but having to constantly host takes a lot out of me. I mean it literally gets in the way of me being able to fuck her as effectively. But we're just FWB and she wants to fit me in between this slot where her kid is in therapy, and I'm sure that if I drove, that I could come to her, but she's coming to me so she doesn't have to pick me up and take me to her house and then drive me back home.

So I get it... But making this house Company Ready the day before she gets here every week takes so much out of me and then I struggle to be there for her and I really don't want that. How do I make at least my bedroom date ready all the time?

[notforopenmic]

A Tale of Three Parties

Trying to figure out what I'm doing Saturday night. First I was really, really looking forward to going to this sapphic sex party hosted by Lady Ink. Like, really looking forward to it. There was something about having to have up-to-date STI testing, and I jumped through a bunch of hoops to make that happen (long story), only to find out she was also asking people to get anal and throat swabs and I just felt like that was so over the top. According to my risk factors, my medical providers don't think that I need to get those things tested, and I know that I don't. I haven't had anal sex in a decade. I didn't have time to get all that additional testing done and it felt really invasive. She has wristbands she's giving out with different levels of safety on them I guess? I don't know. She says so people can make informed decisions about who they play with. At first she was saying that nobody could play if they didn't have a clean complete STI panel. She seems to have backed off a little bit because I think a lot of people were not able to get all the testing that she wanted. 

But while I was going through all of this and being frustrated and humiliated by the system and the fact that I was being slut-shamed by the woman who works at the lab who whispers her instructions and doesn't include written ones like she's supposed to, another party popped up which it said it was a topless dance party, and I was so excited that I could actually go to something that seemed like it would be just as fun as the sapphic sex party, kind of the same vibes, but without all of the extensive paperwork needed. 

I decided I would attend that party instead. The person hosting it said that they needed to meet everyone coming in person, so I arranged to meet them at the end of a poly event that was happening last night after my poetry reading. I met her, so I was welcome to come to the party. When I looked at the RSVP list, I found there were a lot of men on it, specifically ones with dick pics as their profile photos, which I just find so unnecessary. That gives me the feeling that this is going to be a party with Vibes I'm not wanting. I had assumed that because it was a topless party that that meant it was for women only. Because men are allowed to be topless anytime… that's just the impression I got. I already sent the hostess 10 bucks, but I'm fine with her keeping the money if I decide not to go. So far she said it's only going to be 12 people six masc and six femme, which will make it hard for me to just blend into the background if I'm uncomfortable. The deadline to pay was noon today so I'm going to go back and see how many people she says have rsvp'd now…

Nope.

She hasn't updated it again, so as far as I know there's still only going to be 12 people there. That's way too intimate for a situation where I'm going to be half naked in front of men who center their dicks. 

When I told Lady Ink that I wasn't going to make it to her party because I didn't have all of the testing done, she said I could still come with the testing that I have and I can negotiate play with the other people based on everybody's comfort levels. So it seems like she's being a little less rigid than we were originally led to believe, which is a relief. 

The third thing happening Saturday night is that The Scientist is performing at a fundraiser for a local trans community member. Part of me feels like I should go to the fundraiser, and part of me feels like I should be there to watch the Scientist’s Performance, though I feel less obligated to do so now, because she did not attend my poetry reading last night. It was my first time being the  featured performer and kind of a big deal, and while I'm not upset that she stayed home to rest because she has her own performance this weekend and didn't want to get sick, all it means is that I don't feel obligated to be there to watch her. I do like to watch her perform, though. It's not like I'm bitter or anything. Slightly disappointed but not hurt. 

So as of now, my plan is to bow out of the topless coed dance party. To go to Lady Ink's party and see what the vibe is like. If I feel like leaving, I will, and I will go to the fundraiser instead, though I will be arriving late. So far, that seems to be my plan. 

But it's not set in stone, because I haven't re-rsvp'd to Lady Ink’s party ( though she did reconfirm her address for me, and tell me that I'm still welcome to come if I change my mind), I'm still rsvp'd to the topless dance party, though I'm fairly certain I don't want to do that with this group. I'm just not sure what to say when I change my RSVP from yes to no. I did specifically meet with her in order to attend, although I was the one who showed up where she was, she didn't go out of her way to meet me. But I still feel like I need to give her a reason. I could just be completely honest and say when I rsvp'd I thought it was a party only for women and I'm not comfortable attending a party with masculine energy right now. Or I could just say something came up and I can't make it. I don't want to lie and say that I was sick because she could find out that I was at the other party and that wouldn't be good. It's a small community with a lot of overlap. It's best to conduct oneself with integrity. 

Somebody tell me what to do tomorrow night. I'm spinning. This isn't really about wasting a Saturday night. I've been waiting for a good sapphic event for so long, and they are so few and far between, and every time I get close to being able to attend one, something gets in my way and stops it. 

I think I have to try to go to the sapphic event. I think if I don't at least try I will regret it. And I have an Escape Route (Jack will rescue me if I need to leave) and the alternate plan of stopping by the fundraiser instead. 

I think I'm feeling pretty good, and now I have to try to figure out what to wear… 

[notforopenmic]

No hope for me, please

I don't want to jinx myself, but I think I may have something good going here with The Scientist. Today my kids were home from school sick and The Scientist has her period, so we hung out in my bed and snuggled and kissed and talked. I’ve realized I really enjoy her company. I like the energy between us a lot, but I don't really think about her when we're not together, and for me right now that's exactly what I need. I can't do a relationship where I'm pining away— especially because she has three actual girlfriends, plus assorted other people she has occasional sex with. 

She's having a party in 2 days so I'll see her then, but it will be at her home, and her children will be there, so we won't be kissing or anything. My kids are invited too, but I think I'm going to not bring them, as I didn't bring them to the last one, because I just want to be able to have a good time and not worry about them. What if I want to flirt with somebody and I just want to focus on that and not worry about my kids seeing? 

Especially because we still haven't told them that Jack and I broke up. I just can't figure out how to do it. I know I sound like a broken record. But these are reasons why I don't want to invite my kids. 

I know it hasn't been long, so I don't feel like I can rest in what The Scientist and I have yet. Maybe sometime around 6 months mark, depending on how things are going, I may feel like we have something solid, even if the solid thing is a solid friendship with benefits. 

But I don't even want to hope that we get there. What I want is to be okay with whatever needs to happen. That happens to be her relationship philosophy as well, as things are not going as well as they have been previously with her other girlfriends (I'm not one), some of the relationships she is having to walk back because she doesn't like the positions that she's being put in, in terms of expectation of her time, energy and sexual performance. 

I can sense what's happening, and I've been sensing it for months. I've seen the insecurity and reassurances, I've seen this coming, this is why I didn't want to get involved in this polycule. Because the newest lover is blamed for the cracks that show. I don't even know if I am the newest lover. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there are more recent ones. 

The Scientist will no longer be having sex with Mercury (gf #2), not until Mercury is no longer using their sex as a way to deal with insecurities about their relationship. I don't think this is going to fix this for them. If I were Mercury I would feel rejected. I would be devastated. And I would feel like I'm on probation, like my girlfriend who I “love too much” (her words) had one foot out the door. This would feel intolerable to me. Mercury also doesn't want the other partners to know about this sexual walkback, and I'm sure she doesn't want me to know either, both just as a human in the world (it sucks if your partner says they need to take a break from sex with you, that feels shameful), and as a person who is still has access to The Scientist sexually…

This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved with anyone from the polycule. But the more I got to know The Scientist, the more I liked her, and then it felt like I shouldn't let the fact that she's involved with the polycule (though NOT a part of it) stop me from allowing our relationship to go where it was naturally going… 

So Thursday night I am the future performer at open mic. That means that after the open mic portion of the evening, there's an intermission and then I get to just read my poetry for 25 minutes. I signed up to be a featured performer right at the beginning of the season, and I know I would be unhappy if I wasn't one. Also, they pay me. I'm trying not to let the nerves bull me over right now because I can't believe it didn't matter of days. My point was that The Scientist won't be there— she already had tickets to see a burlesque show with a professor she has a crush on, but Jack will be there to sit at the reserved table with me. 

As much as I think it would be great to have The Scientist there (she's a great hype girl) I think having her sit at the reserved table with me when everything is so unstable with Mercury could be a problem. Then again, Mercury may not even come. For me, that would be the best case scenario. 

Oh and here's the best part about the scientist and I. We have both started using nicknames for each other. No one else in the circle that were in calls each other these short forms of our names. I think it's pretty freakin’ cute, I also think it's going to bother some people, but I just can't let that affect me. 

I've been dying to call her this name, so when she said that I could, I was really happy. 

Anyway. Looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Today I have to rehearse. I wish we could skip to right after my feature. O%

[notforopenmic]

Afternoon Sex

I just had sex with The Scientist for the second time. Both my shame, and the fact that we only have 2 hour blocks together due to our children's schedules, means I rush my orgasm, then force myself to be satisfied with just one. I used to enjoy having sex (w breaks, obviously) for a whole weekend… and honestly, I think if I were offered that type of weekend away again, I would probably light up differently than I am now. Even if I could have one night and a kid-free house with someone, I know that my Sexual Energy would come roaring back in a way that I haven't been able to experience in such a long time. 

I would need to have a (sex) partner that I trust and feel safe with. I want to believe someday I will have that, and that the person will actually be trustworthy and safe; I won't be mistaken. 

The Scientist is beautiful. I used to not find her attractive, but remember, I have one of those brains that adjusts how I physically perceive people based on my experience of them. Weird but true. 

She looks like a French movie star, from black and white film. She wants to do this with connection but without attachment— she is dealing with attachment in her other relationships and it does not make her feel good. She said she is a relationship anarchist. 

She also said she feels really good with me. She never feels pressure to perform a certain way. She has some relationships where she feels like she always has to bring the sexual charge, she can't just be. 

Also… that during the past couple of months, her sexual charge is not on all the time anymore. That sometimes it's not there, and she doesn't like how that has affected some of her relationships. She wants to be in relationships where it's okay for her to be however she is. 

This post ended up being more about her than it did about me. There were other red flags. She still tells stories that show me she enjoys the adventure of toxic women— she literally said the words, “there's got to be a little chaos.” Though to be honest, she said that months ago, and she said that her feelings on her relationships have changed in the past couple months. 

She also said she wants to have better boundaries, because she's been tolerating things for longer than she should, and don't I identify with that! 

I'm just trying to detangle all this in my head. I don't know if I'm even going anywhere with this. She came over. We cuddled and talked on the couch. We decided to cuddle naked. We took off our clothes and got in my bed. We talked and were kind of just touching each other,  and then we ended up making out and then we had sex… 

I'm not sure she's going to tell her  girlfriends, and I'm totally fine with her not. In fact, I would almost prefer it. The last thing I need is to be in their bad books because now she's paying attention to me, too. 

I completely forgot about this, but last open mic we all went out together. 

On the way to the bar, Kingpin claimed shotgun saying that they never get to sit in the front seat because they're short. I highly doubt that they don't sit in the front seat every single time, but anyway. 

We get to the restaurant, and Kingpin says “I'm sitting in the middle because that's my seat”, ensuring that they have access to every conversation that's happening around them for the rest of the night. Whatever. You just have to roll your eyes because that's how they are. 

 The Scientist’s girlfriend number 2, Mercury, hadn't come to open mic and wasn't with us. I was sitting across from The Scientist, and she asked me to come sit beside her, so I did. 

She had one girlfriend on the other side - - Kingpin. The Scientist spent a lot of time holding my hand, which was nice. She also held hands with Kingpin. 

When Mercury, the Scientist’s second girlfriend arrived, there was no space for her to sit beside The Scientist because I was sitting there. To be fair, someone would have been sitting there regardless. Mercury  arrived late. 

It didn't help that the Scientist did not get up out of her seat to hug or kiss Mercury when she arrived– she just waved and said hello from our seats. Maybe 10 to 15 minutes later, Mercury and one of the others I'm going to call “Starburst” go outside for a smoke, and when they come back in it's clear that Starburst is comforting Mercury, and that Mercury is upset about something.

I'm pretty sure The Scientist is the girlfriend that Mercury, in her own words, professed she “loves too much”, when someone asked why she was blue. 

I don't know why I decided to get involved with something so complicated. I wasn't going to… I still don't want to be part of the polycule. I have discovered that I like The Scientist for who she is, and not just for the sexual charge she brings. 

We may stay friends with benefits and that's fine with me. I think a friend with benefits is a good thing to have as an Ethically Non Monogamous person. Everything doesn't have to be True Love. But it's funny, in saying that… I believe some of the truest love and some of the longest, strongest connections we make are with our friends. We don't require from them the same things that we require from our partners, and so we are able to support them in different ways. The Scientist was also saying this as she was over. Sexual relationships are not more important than non-sexual ones. 

But if you throw a friendship and sex together, you get the true love of friendship and the passion and fun of sex, with the safety of knowing  somebody truly cares about you. And there's no pressure of being “the one”. 

Now the jury is still out on whether The Scientist will end up truly caring about me. I believed her when she said that she really does consider her girlfriends her “girl friends”, and I believe that she wants to build a real friendship as well as something sexy that just flows between us… but I don't know what that means in terms of how she will behave towards me.

I could end up crushed again. That's the last thing in the world that I need.  But we are starting this off as honestly something that I will call friends with benefits, but The Scientist would say she does not need to label. She would say we are lovers, but that is a descriptive term, not a label or declaration. At least, I think that's what she would say. 

When she left she said “I like this relationship.” And I mean of course it's a relationship, everything that happens between people is a relationship. I'm trying not to let it mean anything because I know that for her, it doesn't really. But I wonder if she sees me as someone she wants to keep getting closer to. 

I am already hoping for a closeness. So I practice radical acceptance, and I accept the fact that I am hoping for a closeness, even though I know it may not unfold that way. 

Up until now I think the best thing about this has been how little I care about it. I'm starting to care, and that's where I get into dangerous territory. But I just started caring. Like, today. And we've been talking in circles for months now. 

I can't assume things will go well based on the things that she's said. I can't even assume that things will continue to happen between us based on her behavior with others, because that's not an accurate measurement. Just because someone is a certain way with someone, doesn't mean they'll be that way with you. 

She says she wants each relationship to stand on its own merit. I'm not sure what that means, but the word merit just gives me a tiny little pang of worry.

She says she hates the quantification of relationships of sex and time and energy and affection that happens when everybody she's dating knows everything about everybody else that she's dating, that there is so much comparison, and she realized that she was basically being held hostage by this system that was obsessed with fairness because she couldn't see who she wanted to see when she wanted or needed to see them. She had to make it fair to them, regardless of what was fair to her. 

I don't know why I wrote all that out. Probably just to get it out of my head and see what I think about it. The point is FWB = Good. Attachment = Bad. 

Oh and here's something interesting: the Kingpin has a wife and three girlfriends. 

The Scientist now has three girlfriends plus assorted looser connections  (that's where I fit) 

I have no idea what is going on in Kingpin's head, and I've decided to distance myself from them emotionally because of how they behaved at the Scientist’s Party. Have I told you guys about the party? There's no room here, it'll have to be a separate post. And another party is coming up next week that's going to be exactly the same format as this one we just had, so I will probably share both at the same time and compare and contrast. FUN! I haven't done a good compare and contrast since English class. Anyway. My wrists hurt from cleaning for The Scientist, then sexy things, and now this typing, so I'm going to ice them for a little bit. Sweet dreams 🌛

Remember to send me love! 

[notforopenmic]

Putting Up Walls

This is from a couple weekends ago, doesn't look like I posted it:

I do not believe what is happening in my house right now. Jack, co parent and former partner is building a temporary wall in our downstairs living space so I can have a private space to entertain women. 

Having mapped my relationship history, chat GPT and I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the times a woman has been dating me, everything's been going really well, and all of a sudden she dumps me and her relationship with the man she's also seeing accelerates, happens because when our relationship gets to the point where we would start having sex, neither of us can host each other (kids and men in the house) , so nothing happens. 

But whatever guy she's boning can host, because he doesn't have custody of his kids, so she just ends up going with him.  

This is not responsible for all of my relationships not working out, but it's enough of a problem that it needs to be solved immediately. I would prefer to get the RV renovated asap. If I could hire people to come renovate that thing and turn it into a shagging wagon in 48 hours, trust me I would. I can make that thing so chic, you wouldn't even know you were staying in an RV.  I prefer this option, because it's further away from the house and so noise-wise it's better. But right now Jack is building a wall. A literal wall. A lot easier than renovating an entire RV. And I appreciate it and I'm freaked out by it and I want to cry and I have been crying. 

Everything is changing. I need it to, but everything is changing and it's really scary. What if we solve this wall problem, and it's still not enough? What if even with his extra space, women still don't want to come home with me? But at least now I'll have the opportunity to invite them. I never could before— and I missed out on some women I really liked because of it. 

But I have to be discreet right now because my kids still don't even know we broke up. Yep, we are knocking it out of the park. I still need closure from Jack. He’s willing to give me a lot, but that still hasn't come. And I don't know what to say to my kids without it. 

Just say it — polyamorous family packed with drama? Yes we should have a reality show 😅 I think polyamory is a reason why Jack is able to help me do things to help me find a girlfriend, like building me a wall so I can have some privacy that isn't just bringing a woman directly into my bedroom. I never would have thought of that as a solution or asked him to do it, he just offered, and that was the reason why. 

That's part of what makes it so hard. I know he loves me. A man who didn't love me wouldn't be able to do that. But he's still incapable of loving me in a way that makes me feel loved instead of crazy. I am looking for four basic things to be secure in a relationship. 

Emotional attunement. The person can tell how I'm feeling most of the time, and can have a handful of guesses as to why, at least some of the time, and actually be accurate sometimes.

When I am stuck and flailing or drowning or anything else, I need you to get in the storm with me. Don't stand there with your umbrella and your raincoat on the shore yelling encouraging words at me. Get in the goddamn water and help me get out, or just go, because your encouragement is of no use to me. I need to be with someone who is in it with me. Not someone who tells me “that's too bad” when I'm in literal physical danger, and leave me to fend for myself. 

Consistency. When the person says they're going to do something, they do it. They maintain connection. Even if I don't reach out, they reach out. The relationship does not stop simply because I stop doing labor. I can count on them. I can walk away from a situation, and know that they have it handled. I know they have my best interest at heart. 

Being seen and adored. I want to know that I am seen for my whole self and that I'm loved for my whole self. Jack used to always say he loved me for who I am not in spite of it, but he didn't know who I was. He has never understood who I was, and he never will. That doesn't mean that we can't love each other in some imperfect way. It does mean we can't be each other's person. Which makes me want to die when I think about it, but that's the way it is. I chose wrong again. I chose wrong again and I don't have a person.

[notforopenmic]

All the Sapphics on the Water

This started as a Blog where I wrote everything too dirty or personal to perform at open mic night. It has sort of spiraled into a catch-all for anything I might be thinking or feeling, and I haven't been giving you guys much in the way of sex or erotica lately. When I was writing yesterday's post, I realized I really do need to get back into writing erotica. There's no guarantee that that's going to move me through my sexual shame and bring back the sexual person that I used to be, but it's much more likely to happen than if I don't start writing erotica again.

So, here you go. It's about sirens, dragons, and women. Enjoy.

[notforopenmic]

All Sapphics on the Water 

Sirens 

Or sea serpents transforming from women to dragons 

Sliding their hands over each other's skin and scales 

In groups of five, six and seven 

Bringing each other 

To heights of pleasure that ring out over the sea and land 

Legend has it they call to entrap man 

No— man was never invited 

If he wants to brave the waters 

that were only ever meant for the beautiful Sapphic monsters 

and ends up broken against the rocks 

I suppose then, that that is the cost 

of following a Sirens call 

When women are dragons, there is a magic, a power, a rising 

A resonance felt in the air as much as heard

Their call is not for men at all

Or for the consumption of outsiders

They call to each other 

All the sapphics on the water 

to come and play and be transformed

From a woman on a Hilltop

To a dancer on the shores

To a serpent in the water 

ecstatically crying to the others 

I hear the call 

I feel the pull

It unravels from my navel 

Spiraling out towards the sea 

Calling me 

I am a woman 

And I am a dragon 

Dancing with the others 

Naked, orgasmic and free 

[notforopenmic]

Lost Sexual Self

So… I hooked up with someone from open mic. The Scientist. For a long time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to hook up with her, but I came to realize that I was just afraid of her because she reminds me so much of what I used to be like when I was wild and free and wasn't ashamed of my sexuality… right when I fully embraced being bisexual, became non-monogamous, and started having so. much. sex. 

A decade later, after Jack unintentionally, but deeply and cuttingly, shamed me for my sexuality in a moment of frustration, my broken sexual self sunk to the ocean floor, now too heavy, damaged and barnacle-covered to be reassembled again. 

That was a handful of years ago, and sexually I still haven't been the same since. Jack has apologized and done a lot to try to make up for it but the shame just won't lift. 

I end sex early. Partially because I'm afraid of getting caught (it's a lot of day time sex, trying to beat the clock before kids come home), but also because I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be seen letting go. I feel that's what keeps getting rejected. 

If I have the kind of sex I crave, I'm just proving the world right–I want too much. I am too sexual. I used to want to go for hours. Now I force myself to have a less intense orgasm sooner, so we can finish sooner, so no one can ever accuse me of only caring about sex ever again. So no one can ask me what I want, promise to do it, then never actually do it, leaving me to wait around wondering when it's going to happen— for years— ever again. 

I've also found I'm afraid to follow my instincts. I want to do something more that would deepen and prolong sex, but then I don't. But I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to be this sad person. 

Jack has ordered soundproof ceiling tiles for my bedroom which we are going to hide by draping fabric from my ceiling, so I can have women over without having to worry about the noise… that will help. 

I know that will take a huge amount of the pressure off me, that I'll be able to relax then. But I'd be lying if I said that that was it. I'm ashamed to ask for what I want, ever again. I can't go through yet another rejection, another person nodding and smiling but secretly thinking there's something wrong with me, secretly thinking they'll pretend that that's fine but they're never going to go along with that, or flat out telling me they're not okay with the things I want, that they think there's something wrong with wanting them, that they don't take my desires seriously, that they won't be honored. Because some of the things I want are very easy to dismiss as being base or dirty or slutty, and while there's nothing wrong with being dirty or slutty, i want these things because they feed my soul. Sex is pleasurable for me, of course it is amazingly physically incredible, but so much so that it actually becomes a spiritual, and some of what I want I come at a from a spiritual or communal angle, not a purely individualistic, hedonistic one. 

I don't know why I'm feeling like I have to defend that. I'm allowed to want things just for pleasure. Sex is allowed to be just about sex. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sex isn't “just sex” and I'm tired of people squashing it down to be this thing that doesn't matter, when for some of us it matters hugely. That is what I'm trying to say.

[notforopenmic]

If she finds a girlfriend first...

It's funny how we think about things we can't control, and then feel guilty about it, as though our guilt would make a difference. Like when I wish that I was the one who won the $80 million rather than some guy on the mainland, I am hurting no one but myself. The guy on the mainland doesn't care. He still has $80 million and no idea who I am. So I remember writing about this months back, when my oldest friend came out to me as bisexual. It stressed me out then, and it's stressing me out now. 

As excited as I was and am to have an ally in this crazy queer culture, I couldn't help thinking, oh God if she finds a girlfriend before I do it will be the biggest gut punch in the world. 

It is true that technically I've only been looking while single for like 4 months (she hasn't been looking at all– she has a crush on a sports team member). It's also true that I've actually been looking, not always intentionally, sometimes with long breaks, usually polyamorously, for 13 years. 

I have such a difficult time not blaming myself for the fact that I don't have a girlfriend yet. For the fact that I've never really had a true girlfriend. Just women who claimed they wanted to be with me eventually, and then eventually became never. 

I just want the girlfriend experience— even if I get my heart broken at the end. I just want to know that I'm even capable of having a girlfriend at this point. And if she finds someone before I do, it will confirm to me that even someone who just came out can find love before I can. That there really actually must be something very wrong with me that I can't do that. 

It's hard enough watching everyone around me pair up and pair off (or throuple or quadruple off) all the time, 

If I literally have to hear about it, and see it, and have it in my face, I don't know how I'm going to manage. Especially if it continues to be years of exile for me. Years where I continue to try to find someone and fail… and she's happy and in love and knows that a woman can love her, and I fall further and further in despair knowing that a woman can't love me.

If I were to say all of this to her though, she might respond with something like this...

[notforopenmic]

Dating Event

Have your own dating woes? Tell me about them in the comments! 

Last night I went to a queer dating event at an art gallery. I wore a brightly colored dress, thigh high boots, and a black soft structured cardigan and cashmere scarf. 

When I arrived, they gave us name tags along with stickers so that we can put who we are, what we identify as, and what we're looking for on our tags as kind of a code. Each sticker stood for something different. 

My ADHD ass immediately forgot what all of the stickers were for. I also had like five stickers on my tag because I am a lot of things, and I am also open to a lot of things. There was even a sticker for Neurodivergent! 

I'm going to say the coolest thing that happened all night was a gay guy came up to me and said he loved my poetry. He even kind of gushed a little bit when someone asked what kind of poetry I do and he explained that it was very emotional and explored a lot of deep subjects. It was pretty cool getting to hear what a poetry Community member thought my poetry was like. 

I've been getting recognized as a community poet more and more recently and it has been really amazing and entirely nerve-wracking. My safety my entire life has come from my invisibility and now with my writing and being published, and pushing really hard in order to get it published, combined with me being a spoken word artist, I am just making myself more and more visible. 

I'm actually starting to put my spoken word performances online because I want people to be able to see them when they Google my name. There are so many spoken word artists I've seen in person and when I go to Google them nothing comes up, and that's a travesty. I don't want that for myself. 

Moving on. This woman I met at the event, and she and I clicked right away. We sat together, and for about half of the event we orbited each other and seemed like we were really hitting it off. Halfway through, she met someone else and turned to cold towards me and it was obvious that she wasn't interested in me anymore. I took the hint and went off and mingled with others, but I never made another connection like that again. 

At the end of the night she gave her card with her contact information on it (we each got one) to somebody else— I ended up not giving mine to anybody. There are people that had great conversations with, but nobody that I would pick out over anybody else, they were like five people who were tied and so that's why I didn't give my card out. 

So I'm telling myself it's not necessarily that no one was interested in me, but rather that they couldn't necessarily pick me above others to give their card to. Also, it's a huge risk to give a card to someone. I was not about to take that risk with someone I was unsure of. 

Even if we did have a great conversation, I still didn't want to do that. I can only assume that others felt the same. It does not necessarily mean that no one was interested in me. 

I did swap Instagrams with a woman, so that was cool. But I couldn't help coming out of the event feeling deflated, because the woman that I had liked ended up liking somebody else more. 

And this is just going to keep happening over and over until it doesn't. And I know that. But it's still deflating. What's worse is, I feel like I couldn't just get in the car with Jack when he came to pick me up (yes, he is winning the Former-Boyfriend Awards), and spill everything that happened: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. 

I couldn't just ramble about the games we played, the discussions we had, the sex therapists with the crazy colored hair who led us through the night, the women who caught my eye and my inability to get anywhere with any of them, the fact that there were people at this event who also come to other events, that it was common to come back again and again, so I could come to the next one and the next, and maybe that would be better for me than going to FetLife events or meeting women on apps. Or maybe it's complimentary and I should just keep doing all of it, because I should probably just throw every single thing I have at this goal, because I cannot keep looking forever. I could have blurted all of that out really really fast… but something inside me felt like I no longer have a soft place to do that. 

I'm aware that I've only been looking in earnest, as a single person, for 4 months. I'm also aware that I have been looking broadly, regardless of being single or not (I'm non-monogamous remember! ), for 13 years. Shall we just split the difference? 😅 

Anyway, I'm feeling exhausted. I woke up too early for a Saturday morning, and I really think last night took it out of me. Emotionally and socially it was a lot. Getting chosen, and then un-chosen in real time was not fun. Happy weekend friends. 

Leave me some love, if you have some to spare. 💘

Have your own dating woes? Tell me about them in the comments! 

[notforopenmic]

[notforopenmic]

Not Having a Person

I wish I had any idea whatsoever what is going to happen. I wish I could know that I'm going to find a femme to spend my life with as long as I keep putting myself out there, but every setback feels like re-setting the clock to zero. If Lady Ink breaks it off with me tomorrow— which I hope she doesn't do—I will be completely out of prospects. Then I'll just have to wait for more people to join the apps, more events that DON'T get canceled (😤), and try not to go in bitter, with a closed off heart; nor reeking of desperation, flirting with the whole room.

I will try not to allow these decades without love to harden me into someone who no longer believes its possible.

I am hurting. Starving. It's not base, or silly, or superficial. It's a deep longing, to sound like a cello in a room and have it set off another cello in the same space because they share a resonance.

That is what I am looking for. Considering the fact I'm not sure I'm actually from planet earth. I've spent my entire life feeling like an outsider, with no one who resonates, that when I find anyone who resonates at all, I jump all in without checking for anything else.

I'm trying to be more careful this time— but I'd be lying if I said I'm not still dying to feel the other cello in the room, resonating with me.

I am so lonely right now. And every time I think I have a chance for connection—and sex for me is real, true connection---it's not superficial, or a game. When I can't have it, it just reinforces the idea that I need too much, that my wants are inappropriate, that a proper person wouldn't need this or be feeling this way or craving touch, because if they are, where are they? Certainly not anywhere I am.

I have never had a partner who hasn't made me feel bad for wanting sex. That combined with this new, weird-ass dating culture where dates last 45 minutes and no one touches each other, my being in the over 40 group now (I am still angry that Jack took my entire 30s), my being one of the only non-white people in a city with 85% White people, my having been with men up until now and lesbians hating that... I may think I'm kind, entertaining, cute, intelligent and creative, but that doesn't translate into anyone falling in love with me.

So many people want to be friends first. I hate it because it's not a direction. Any time I've had something remotely like that, it has ended in friendship, period. I'M NOT LOOKING FOR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!

I'm also not the type of person to go moaning to others about how lonely I am or how much I hate being single (unless I'm having a REALLY hard time), so this is my space for that. I hate this shit so much. I hate not having a person.

[notforopenmic]

Canceled Sex Party

I feel like I'm going to cry. I also feel like I've never going to get laid again, ever. I have been trying to create this ecosystem of opportunity where I am surrounded by chances to meet women, but it doesn't seem to be paying off. Granted, it just has only been a few months, but people are pairing off around me a lot faster than that so it makes me feel like it must be me.

In the past little while I've had a couple of people I was dating either drift or outright say they don't want to see me anymore. Granted, the one that said they didn't want to see me anymore I was already on the same page, and just thought we were mutually ghosting each other and then was annoyed when they came back and made it official... There are women who want to explore something, but tell me up front they don't have much to offer and I want something real

I don't want to keep being strung along by women who tell me up front they don't have much to offer right now, and I wait around like an idiot for years until they do have something to offer, but it never happens. I can't ever go through that again.

There was supposed to be a all femme sex party TONIGHT. I have been looking forward to this for MONTHS. Where else am I supposed to meet a bunch of women who aren't afraid of sex and their bodies and who I can just come right out and say I want you, without worrying that I'm being predatory?

Where else am I going to have sex again, ever? I guess I have to start going to the expensive club nights and basically paying for it.

To make matters worse, the only woman I'm still seeing right now was supposed to be at that party and she just told me she wasn't going to go. I guess now I don't have to be disappointed about not seeing her there, but I wanted to go whether she was there or not. We are supposed to be getting together tomorrow now instead, for coffee and a walk, and this is now the second non-sex date she's asked me on. We first met at  (basically free, afternoon) Sex Dungeon party, which is way more my speed than these huge kinky sex club nights with DJs and dancing until 3:00 in the morning. We hooked up there. The next week we got together at her place and hooked up during the day while her kids were at school.

The next time we were supposed to hang out, she made it clear she only wanted to get coffee and talk with me. She did say she wanted to see me at the sex party, and also that she hopes to see me before then.. but she didn't. And now she's not going, and now it's not happening. I haven't cried over any of these rejections or cancellations or anything but I think it would be understandable if I did. I feel like all the doors I felt were open to me are just slamming in my face. A couple weeks ago I was dating four women and now I'm down to one. I haven't had sex in months. I'm about to start sleeping with the wrong person, because I can't find the right person, and I don't even feel bad about it.

But I feel like there is this beautiful, sexy, warm, sweet, woman who claims she just wants to have lots of sex... And I can't figure out how to get her back in bed. It feels like the pattern that always happens with demisexuals, but in reverse. Like wow, the curse is that powerful that even once I've slept with a woman they will retroactively friendzone me? The curse is as strong as I am bitter. Today I feel no hope that I will ever be with a woman ever again for the rest of my life.

[notforopenmic]

But what if it did?

[notforopenmic]

Excuse the giant page numbers at the top of these screenshots. I'm trying to figure out a way to know what I've uploaded already and what I haven't, because Tumblr makes it absolutely impossible with their interface.