Not for Open Mic 🎤

The stuff I don’t read at open mic night

[notforopenmic]

Insecure?

So remember how I told you GF wasn't able to go to another island with her other GF, Kingpin, because she was feeling under the weather? And how I feel like kind of a villain for not feeling bad about that? But that I was no longer even intimidated by Kingpin anymore, because I was aware that my newest threat to GFs affections was Frenchie?

Well buckle up, because I have tea. And since I would never spill this tea to anyone I know, you guys get it. 🫖 GF came over last night to watch Carol, but before we did she caught me up on everything. 

So it turns out that GF, Frenchie and Pan had a threesome. Twice. And that both times caused Frenchie to spiral. The first time she confronted GF,  because GF kissed Pan during the threesome, and the second time Frenchie froze GF out for a week.

GF says they are never doing it again. 

GF also let it slip that she's not even sure she wants to continue having a sexual relationship with Frenchie. Frenchie wants everyone to know that she and Pan are together. She wants him to tell everyone, she wants him to kiss her in public. On the other hand, she doesn't really want anyone to know that she's sleeping with GF now. 

And apparently everyone is watching GF like a hawk to see what happens between her and Pan— no one is supposed to know they had a threesome, but I guess she trusts me. Kingpin told her that if she had sex with Pan, Kingpin needed to be in the first wave of information. Apparently everyone has a crush on Pan. I used to be slightly interested in him sexually because he used to flirt shamelessly with me, but as soon as I was single, he dropped that abruptly. Message received, Pan. 

GF feels like on the one hand, Frenchie wants and benefits from her erotic energy, but on the other hand she hates the fact that that energy isn't only directed towards her.  

GF feels this is unfair, and compared the situation to when she was dating Mercury. She ended up breaking up with Mercury because every time she slept with a certain someone else, Mercury crashed out. 

And I am just watching this and hearing about it as we lay in bed eating crackers and cheese, thinking, “never tell this woman you feel insecure about your relationship.”

I really feel like it's the one thing she can't handle. And honestly, I feel like this is a good thing for me, and I'm not just saying that. 

Feeling an insecurity in a relationship, not acting on it, and waiting for the actual truth to play out, is revolutionary for me. It's something I was never able to do before. I would always need to say something, to do something. I would feel my anxiety rising like a wave and I wouldn't want to say or do anything, I would want to be chill but I just couldn't. I felt like I was going to explode if I kept it inside. I am learning in real time that when I don't express insecurity, my insecurities often prove to be false. I didn't express insecurity over not seeing her last week, and it turns out it was just a fluke of a crazy week. If I had confronted her, I would have hurt our relationship, and for what? It's not a pattern, it was one week. 

Also, remember when I told you about the weird party? It came up last night, and I mentioned that I felt I didn't know when to be with her and when to give her space, and she said she could see that I was having a hard time with that, and that she tried to make space for that while still honouring herself. I told her it might take a while for me to instinctively know how much attention to give her at these things but that I would figure it out. She assured me that this didn't change the way she feels about me or about us or anything, which was good to hear. Still, new rule. Unless it's a party we are attending as a couple, I approach her three times, and that's it. The ball is in her court for the rest of the night. 

Anyway. It's not that I want her to break up with everyone. Frenchie in particular makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want her to break up with Frenchie if she truly wants to be with her. But part of being chill and not insecure is not spending time thinking about her other relationships, so I'm going to try to do that. Part of that is getting it all out here, so it's no longer in my brain. 

I am now going out to buy fluffier pillows— GF’s back was a little sore last night, and mine is a little sore always 🛌 

[notforopenmic]

Gluckschmertz and Missing the Boat

I was experiencing a little of  Gluckschmertz this week– sadness over someone else's good news. I like GF a lot and I want her to have a full, happy life. But I was a little choked thinking of her spending the weekend on another island at Kingpin’s parents’ place. 

Mainly due to the fact that she didn't have time to see me this week, but also because I feel a little competitive with Kingpin, though that's mostly been brushed aside in light of my new feelings of inadequacy compared to Frenchie. Our relationship will never be able to compare, so I just shouldn't– compare, I mean, with anybody. 

I need to focus on the fact that GF says I make her orgasm way faster than anyone else, and that she recently called us a couple. We've had an off week but I really hope the next couple weeks bring us back on track. We'll just have to see. I have to be fine with not knowing. GF goes with the flow and if I want to be with her, I have to too. I also want to. Going with the flow of life is one of my affirmations. 

All that to say, this weekend didn't go as planned. For either of us. 

I didn't end up making the gay boat cruise, because Beaches took too long getting ready and didn't know where we were supposed to be going and we ended up missing our boat, so I ended up staying for a sapphic club thing, which meant I had to spend the night in a hotel because Baches just has a single bed and in a house she shares with roommates and her room is such a mess there's no place for an air mattress, and I'm in too much pain to sleep on an air mattress anyway. I thought at one point I might go to a pride activity the next day, but the day was rough, and at 3:00 a.m. I realized I couldn't stay on the mainland any longer. I needed to get the next ferry home in the morning. 

So at 6:00 a.m. I called Jack and told him that I was going to take the first ferry I could get out, and asked him if he would be willing to pick me up at the terminal. He said of course he would, and sent me an Uber. I was absolutely starving by this point because I hadn't eaten since 5:00 p.m. the night before, I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep in the crummy hotel, I ended up missing the 7:00AM boat by 6 minutes so I wound up on the 8:00 one. 

I came home, I said hi to my kids and then went to sleep for 4 hours. Last night I went to sleep around 10:00 and slept right through the night until around 9:00 this morning. I realized I hadn't spoken to GF all weekend, and thought I should check in with her. I knew she was supposed to be going out of town with Kingpin. I noticed that when we were camping she exchanged minimal text messages with other partners, and I didn't want the distance between us to grow, or for her to think that I was upset, so I just sent a message wishing her a happy Sunday. 

She responded telling me that she had ended up not going away for the weekend because work took all of her energy and she felt like she just had to stay home. I don't want to say that I experienced schadenfreude when she told me this, but I might have just the tiniest bit. She said she wasn't too disappointed, she was fine with just staying home and having “her” time. I hope Kingpin was able to go with one of her other partners if she wanted to. 

But I have to say I think the tension went out of my shoulders when I read that she wasn't away for the weekend on an Island Getaway with Kingpin.

I also have to say I'm concerned that we won't be in the right place in November for me to be able to ask her to go see jvn with me. I guess I'm just worried about that because I don't really have anyone else to go with because the ferries only run till 9:00 PM so it's going to be an overnight situation. So if she can't, that would really suck… I haven't asked her yet. It feels too early. I want to ask her early enough so that she has time to familiarize herself with jvn and Queer Eye if she wants to, so she enjoys it more when we go, assuming she doesn't already know. Next time we're together I should ask her if she knows  them. That would help me think. 

But I can't help the nerves fluttering around my belly that I'm not going to have anyone to go with. Jethro offered to go with me but I really think that every time he and I get into a hotel room together it's a Tinder Box situation, and I know our relationship has changed but it hasn't been long enough for me to trust that it wouldn't be a trigger for an argument. Or that I wouldn't spend the entire time having a panic attack because I'm my body would remember what happened last time and be bracing. Last time did not go well at all. It was actually traumatic. I cried about it for months. 

So I got a stay of execution on GF going away with Kingpin. They may reschedule, but she said she wasn't sure. I would love for the rescheduling to happen once I feel like GF and I are back on solid ground. I just feel a little shaky about us, I'm sure she hasn't noticed anything and feels fine. I will also point out that if GF hadn't picked up four new lovers in the past month, she probably wouldn't have felt too run down to have gone away with Kingpin, who was actually her first girlfriend. All right, I'm going to shut up about that now. 

I still don't have an answer to the question of when I'll see her next, though. Especially now with her not feeling well. I don't want to ask while she's feeling worn down because that seems insensitive, so I'm going to have to wait until she tells me she's feeling better. I'm really hoping she will ask me to do something. That would feel pretty good. I can only hope. I'm starting to miss her.  God help me.

[notforopenmic]

The Seventh Girlfriend

My GF is now dating 7 people. Yes, 7. And I don't believe she has any intention of ever capping it. She doesn't have time to see me this week because she's seeing a new lover. I'm not saying she shouldn't. She should do exactly whatever she wants to do. 

I'm not judging her. I'm just noting the mathematical impossibility that she's going to be able to maintain steady relationships if she keeps adding new people every week 😅😓 

It makes me feel more pressure about finding someone on the apps, or trying to revive some of my connections that have gone a bit cold. Going to events where I might meet someone. I don't want her to be my only lover. That was never the plan. 

Interestingly, we're both into this woman who started a Poetry Club in her backyard (separate from the Poetry backyard parties I've been talking about). GF went to the first session, I went to the second one. I know that this woman will be drawn whoever she is drawn to. Will like whoever she likes, will choose whoever she chooses. Might very well not be interested in either of us. But if she ends up choosing my GF instead of me, I am going to be… perturbed. 

I want my GF to leave some women for the rest of us. I feel like we're competing, though I'm not sure GF knows that. I'd hoped I'd have a chance to ask the woman who runs the poetry club on a date for this weekend, so that by the time GF got back from her weekend away with Kingpin, this woman and I would already be dating, but I didn't find the moment. I messaged her on Instagram this morning to let her know I had a good time at the poetry Club and asked what she was up to this week. She said her week was super busy with work and activities, then asked what I was up to. I told her I was going to Vancouver with my friend for pride, which is true. I'm just going for one day instead of the whole weekend, but she doesn't need to know that.  I'm just going to leave it at that, and keep getting to know her in person. 

It would be great if we could keep messaging but I don't think this conversation has any momentum, and when I talk about having lost my spark, this is part of what I mean. I used to be great at fun, flirty, effortless conversation. 

I'm feeling competitive and that's not good. That's not a good motivation for me to go after someone. But that's not the reason -- I'm feeling competitive because I already wanted to get to know her, but now I feel like I have to go faster because my girlfriend gets involved with everyone, and if I don't hurry she'll get there first. 

How do I let her know that I like her in a way that makes her want to get to know me, instead of feel awkward? But now I think I have been signaling. I sat close to her last night outside on the grass, even though it meant I sat in the wet patch of spilled water. 

I think the next thing I need to do is to look at her, look away and then look back for longer. I may have naturally done that last night— I think I caught myself doing it, but then I couldn't be sure if I'd actually done it or if I’d just made eye-contact with her once. 

Anyway… Maybe part of the reason why the thought of GF getting with her bothers me so much, is because I am jealous of GF and the effect that she has on people. I used to be as magnetic, back before life broke me. 

I want to be like fire drawing moth, or a daisy drawing bumblebees and butterflies. 

I know it's really unhealthy to feel competitive towards her. I don't want to feel like this. It's also hard to avoid feeling like this. She already has so many entanglements. Can't this one be mine? 

I know that sounds gross and like I feel like I own our love interest, which I know I don't. I guess I would just like an unobstructed attempt to get to know her without my own girlfriend getting in the way and trying to take her for herself, when she already has so many women and a man. 

Again,  I understand our love interest is free to decide who she likes and its statistically probable that she likes somebody that isn't either of us… but I just have this little fire in my belly, telling me that I should go for it.  Then again, we all know what happens when you play with fire ❤️‍🔥

[notforopenmic]

Weird Party

Yesterday was weird. GF told me about an event and I wasn't planning on going. But then she asked me again yesterday if I would go, so I went to see her, because I thought she wanted me to.

I was exactly on time, because I didn't want to miss the poetry reading I was told we would have. The last time I was at an event at this house, I was fashionably late and I ended up arriving in the middle of someone's poem. 

This time, when I arrived everyone was piled in the house because it was raining outside, so no canopy over comfortable couches on the back lawn. 

GF showed up 2 hours late. First she was at a show for Kingpin (her gf#1) that ran over, then she had to go pick up Pan (who she is sexually interested in but is not going to sleep with right now because he is currently dating Frenchie) who causes everything to take seven times longer than it needs to— and I am not the one who came up with the seven times number. Those are Pan's friends who lovingly say that about their buffoonery. There were also two other people with her who arrived in her car, Mercury and Kingpin, and I'm assuming driving them also added to their lateness. 

When she finally came, the vibe was kind of weird. I wasn't sure how much time I should spend near her, because she wasn't signaling clearly. I can't say that she wasn't paying attention to me. But what I will say is that when we go out and she wants my attention and affection, I know it. And this didn't feel like that. 

There's a lot of getting up and sitting down, to get snacks, to go over to the beading table where someone was making bracelets, to talk to other people, to dance for a few minutes etc. Sometimes I would move away from her, and sometimes she would move away from me, but I never moved away from her if she was paying attention to me. 

Mercury seemed to be having a bit of a hard time possibly, and was whispering with Kingpin a lot, specifically when they were not together with GF, but if I had to wager a guess, I would say that GF was most interested in spending time with Pan last night. Like, she wants the chemistry between them to explode so she can have a threesome with him and Frenchie. Why else would you talk about enjoying the dynamic between the three of them when she's dating Frenchie and he's dating Frenchie but she's not fucking him even though she wants him? 

The group also seemed to be pursuing drunkenness as a goal, which sucks for me because I don't drink. So they were all on a different plane of existence than I was, as happens every time I go to a gathering that revolves around alcohol. The last party I went to at this house, they served fruit water and we read poetry, so I was not expecting the musicians playing full sets and the drunken atmosphere. But the group GF came with brought the alcohol WITH them to stock in this person's fridge, because Pan can't go anywhere without alcohol— at least, I've never seen them when they were not drinking. So the gathering itself was not centered around alcohol, just the people that I was hanging out with were, because I wanted to be hanging out with GF, and that's who she was hanging out with. 

Then our group, who came for the sauna, got in our swimsuits and went down to the sauna even though some of the musicians were still playing, and we ended up going nude again even though I'm not really comfortable with my naked body, especially after gaining so much weight during the breakup that I now need to fight to lose. 

Pan wanted to leave because they needed to go pick up a couch, and Mercury, GF’s ex who had arrived with, asked her for a ride home. I didn't feel like I could ask GF for a ride home, which really bothered me. I'm her girlfriend. Why should I feel like I'm putting her out to ask for a ride home, because someone she's no longer dating asked for a ride first? 

So I asked Jack to come get me and he did. And maybe GF knew that he would and that I didn't need a ride home with her the same way that Mercury did, because Mercury would have had to take the bus. Then again maybe not. I ubered to her house the other day and it was almost $20. 

I know they had to get to Frenchie’s improv show, and dropping me off along with everyone else might have made them late, but it still bothers me that my own girlfriend didn't offer me a ride home and that I couldn't ask her. 

Then she asked if she could have a tiny sip of my water and she drank all of it. As we were leaving a SAUNA. 

So yeah, yesterday was weird. 

Then I came home and I was trying to separate my joint Amazon account from my former partner's, and Amazon didn't want to let me, and Jack and I got into a tiff over it and I burst into tears because he snapped at me and the day was already so frustrating, and all I wanted to do was spend the day at home with my kids, being available, and I got sucked into going to this 6 hour party that I didn't hate, but can't say I enjoyed. 

I wonder if I'll hear from her today. I found out last night through Kingpin that she's going away this weekend with Kingpin to another one of the islands. That was fun. 

On the plus side, Tinder has finally unshadowbanned my account and I'm finally getting likes and matches. For months there, it was crickets and tumbleweed, but they verified my face and now all is right with the world. 

I also signed up for a really fun dating event. I've been to one of its kind before, but this was on a different theme and I'm really looking forward to it. I was also lucky enough to see the event posting when they still had low cost pay what you can tickets available so I don't have to pay the full cost. It's prohibitive. I'm really looking forward to it and honestly crossing my fingers— I am always crossing my fingers— that this is where I meet my anchor person. Don't let me down, universe. I'm still waiting. 

[notforopenmic]

Good s-e-x and Beach Days

This may be the first time I've come home from a day with GF actually feeling the normal post date feelings. Feeling warm and floaty, recharged and satisfied, already looking forward to the next time. 

Before today there had been a block. Part of it was me not being completely in touch with my sexuality again yet. Part of it was me not believing that anyone could love me. Part of it was feeling that compared to her other partners, I must be the least sexually competent. Because it had been such a long time since I had been with a woman, because I never been with a woman sexually in a way that became regular enough that we were able to build any sort of sexual relationship. 

But today I did something that put the last of my concerns about being sexually incompetent away. It also put my concerns about not being able to thrust Non-Stop indefinitely with my hand. 

I gave her an orgasm using only my mouth. It was pretty surprising, I'm not going to lie. I was just down there to get things started, but I guess that was all it took. 

I don't consider myself talented in the sexual arts. I always assumed my popularity was due to my enthusiasm for the activity, rather than any actual skill. 

But she has now told me not once, not twice, but thrice that I give “great head”. I'll take it! 

After that we had lunch. I made a sandwich and she had some crackers and other random stuff she found around the kitchen. Then we got ready to go to the beach. 

The beach was nice. There were a great deal of wooden steps leading down to the beach. I want to say approximately 100, but that is what I always estimate, and maybe I'm not good at estimating. Let's just say it was a lot of stairs for me to commit to going down, because that meant I was also committing to going back up. #spoonie 🥄

When we got down to the beach, we laid out our towels. GF wanted to lay down so I did the same. We lay beside each other with our hands touching, rolling over once. 

When we noticed the tide getting close, we decided we should pack up and go. I had taken an Uber to her house this morning so she was going to give me a ride home, but then she had a talk scheduled with one of her kids, and after that a date with another partner. 

On the climb back up the stairs, GF carried my bag. She also stopped with me for breaks when I stopped to catch my breath, and rubbed my back. 

On the drive home, we exchanged some dirty words. She pulled in where we’d be sheltered from the house so we could kiss (I don't want my kids knowing I'm dating until it's becoming a partnership), then I told her I hope she has fun tonight and actually meant it. 

Usually I’d be neutral on the subject. 

I've never felt compersion. The most I can feel is a somewhat curious indifference. For anyone that doesn't know, compersion is a polyamory term that means you feel happiness when you see your partner being happy with someone else romantically. Feeling it is sort of a badge of honour, and you're kind of considered a better poly person if you feel it than if you don't. But do I feel a rush of joy anytime I see my friend with her husband or when I see my cousin with his girlfriend? No, I do not. So maybe I'm just not a person who feels joy because of other people's romantic relationships. Is that possible? I feel like it's possible LOL 

Anyway I'm getting off the point 

I came home feeling really good 

That's making me look forward to the next time I'm going to see her, which I normally am not planning already, right after I've just seen her…

I feel a sort of…fire in my chest. Like the glowing pink hearts on Jane the Virgin. It just feels like every time we're together it gets better. We were in a holding pattern for a while, but the past month and a half things between us have really deepened. We've seen each other a lot more at social events and stuff too, which also helps. We hold hands during these events, we put our arms around each other, we kiss. Yes, she's also doing that with other people there. And no, it doesn't really bother me. 

Oh, and she loved the scarf with the birds on it that I got her. She really lit up when she saw it and she gave me a bunch of kisses. 

The point is, I think I might actually REALLY like my girlfriend. I think I might be starting to miss her. I need to anchors away and haul ass out of here, before I end up with another shattered heart. And yet she's the first real GF I've ever had. And I'm not 14, or even 24— I'm 40. I am loving this experience and I want to continue it and follow it wherever it goes.

[notforopenmic]

Nude Pics and RV Dreams

Is ethical non-monogamy what I really, truly want? Does it feel like what I need? Does it feel like the only thing I can have? 

I've experienced jealousy over my partners’ experiences with other people. I've also had really fulfilling experiences in non-monogamy. 

My girlfriend is currently packing up a hotel room with her girlfriend, and heading home. Assuming they got a late check out. This morning she got an email inbox from me, filled with topless photos I took of her when we went camping just a couple of days ago. She thanked me profusely and said they were the best birthday gift ever. That felt amazing. I just have her other birthday gift sitting here in my bedroom, and I probably won't be able to give it to her until the day after her birthday because she is driving to see her daughter today and they won't be home until late. 

It doesn't hurt me that she has relationships with other people. At least, I don't think that's what hurts me. Her relationship with Frenchie (who she's at the hotel with) in particular bothers me, but I can't ever let her know that. 

I think what bothers me the most is feeling like for her, I'm just one of many. But for me she is it. And I understand I haven't made a choice for her to be it. She's it because I simply haven't found another girlfriend yet. 

The thing about Frenchie is, she became my GF’s best friend first. They bonded over the fact that they were single moms, they started helping each other out with single mom stuff. Because they were just friends and not lovers, my GF made herself available  in ways that she wouldn't make herself available to her lovers, because she doesn't want to be a emotionally responsible for a lover but with French didn't feel a sense of responsibility so she was able to just be there and support through their feelings. GF has canceled plans with me to drive Frenchie's child to work— I'm sorry, that's primary partner stuff right there, as much as GF likes to say that she is a relationship Anarchist and has no primary partner. If someone else's kid needs a ride somewhere and you are going to cancel with me so that you can make that happen, that person's a primary partner. 

And that was all before they had sex. Now you add in sex, and they are just completely together in a very serious relationship. 

I used to be on par with GF’s other two girlfriends. She told me she had the same level of commitment to all three of us. Well that is no longer true, now that there's someone else who's automatically above us. 

And I know it's not good to think of things in a hierarchy, but there is one. If someone else's plans are automatically more important than my plans with you, that is a hierarchy. So I keep looking on apps and in groups and in person and at events to find my anchor person. 

Because I always knew GF wouldn't be that person for me. As much as I enjoy her, and as much as I'm loving getting to have the experience of finally having a girlfriend at the age of 40, I knew this wouldn't turn into a real partnership. I guess what upsets me is that she just fell ass backward into a very serious partnership with somebody else, after claiming all this time that she didn't want one. 

I just have to get over it. So it's back to the apps with me. 

But do I want this life, really? I keep coming back to the answer being “yes”. Could I feel safer and more secure, if I had one person I loved and I knew they loved me and only me? But having only one person to rely on when things go wrong is not a good idea. It's simply not good family planning. Poor home economics lol.

 I want Many Loves. Maybe it's because the people I've chosen to lean on in my life have been so unreliable and so unpredictable and so unsafe for me to trust, but I feel like having only one partner is asking for trouble. 

Even if everyone is perfectly responsible, what's going to happen when one of you is in the hospital with your legs broken? Who's going to sit by your bedside while the other works so that you can continue to have a roof over your heads? Wouldn't having an extra person or even two or three extra people in a situation like that make a huge difference? Like right now, I'm trying to get this RV renovated so I can have a place to bring women so I can actually have a shot at having a normal romantic life. If I had two other partners it wouldn't matter that my platonic partner is too exhausted and broken to help follow through on the renovations he started with me, and that the other is too weak and unskilled. I'm sure one of my girlfriends would know how to use a socket wrench to pull those freaking seats out of the RV. 

Many hands make light work. It takes a village to raise a child. If you want to go fast go alone, but if you want to go far go together. These are basically my philosophies on life. That is why I'm ethically non-monogamous. That is why I want more than one girlfriend. I don't just want a relationship, I want to build a whole life. 

#gay #sapphicdating #lgbtqia #wlwdating #queer #queerdating

[notforopenmic]

Topless Camping Shoot

I just got back from camping with my girlfriend. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was a nice time. It wasn't perfect. Things went wrong, but we handled them. My bladder hung on through the night, which was my major concern. She carried all the heavy things because she likes to play “Boyfriend.” I don't hate it. She was also wearing a ball cap and boys high top sneakers, so giving major masc. energy. I did not hate that either. 

I'm a photographer. The first time we slept together, I told her I wanted to shoot her nude. I meant in a bed, or maybe a bath tub or the shower. She wanted it to be outside. In her secluded backyard? In our friend's yard during their sauna party? No. At the campground, in the woods. 

The woods were lovely dark and deep, but they were also scattered with campsites with people staying on them. We didn't find a place where we felt comfortable with her being completely nude, but we did find a cute little nook where I got some shots of her in her bikini, some with her pulling down the straps, and some with the bikini top gone all together. 

I think a topless photo shoot was a good compromise. Her birthday is coming up in just a couple of days so I am going to edit the photos and give them to her as part of her birthday present. I'm also hoping to bring her a cupcake. So all together she would be getting the photos, the scarf I bought her with her favorite birds on it, and the cupcake. 

Camping together felt strange. It was my first overnight date with a woman. Ever.

We were unplugged and away from the stresses of home. We went on a walk that turned into more of a hike than either of us had anticipated. 

We sat by the fire pit holding hands. She read me an erotic short story by Anais Nin. We made s'mores and they were delicious. 

We had a foam mattress setup in the back of my SUV with the seats folded down. It was as comfortable as any bed, and way better than an air mattress. We spent some time in the afternoon just laying together. At night we got to have sex without worrying about one of our kids knocking on the door. There was a chance someone might have banged on the  car door and complained, but that was still better than one of our kids knocking on the bedroom door! We had the windows covered so no one could see in.

What can I say about sex right now? It's like only part of me is present for it. I don't know if the pain that it causes to do so much thrusting is the problem. I don't know if I'm just having a hard time getting out of my head— sometimes my mind just races. Maybe I was on alert because for the past few years every romantic getaway has had something really bad happen that ruined it, and maybe part of me was waiting for that thing to happen. I don't know. Maybe it's perimenopause and I need to go see someone. I at least want to rule it out as a possibility, or find that it is the reason so that I can do something about my hormones. Maybe I am just completely exhausted. 

I always make sure she has a screaming orgasm though, regardless of how I am feeling. She said she comes with me faster than with any of her other partners. It's like when we went hiking yesterday— I went fast because it hurt, and I just wanted to get to the top 😅🤐 

I miss the way I used to be about sex. I miss being insatiable, I miss having  powerful sexual energy others could sense, I miss actually being able to enjoy sex instead of being stuck in my thoughts. I miss thinking about sex throughout the day, not just when someone is here to have sex with me. I wonder how much of my brokenness right now is due to the fallout of my last relationship. Towards the last years of that relationship, having a sexual appetite was not safe. And throughout my entire relationship with my children's father, having a sexual appetite was not safe. 

But I continued to have one throughout those relationships. And now that they're over and I can explore, now my sexual appetite decides that it's done? Maybe it just doesn't want me to get hurt again. God knows I don't want to get hurt again. But I can have a great sex life without investing emotionally, I know that I can. I've done it before. 

I guess I could try to write more erotica, maybe that would help. 

So: camping went well. I like my girlfriend. There was no fight or any relationship stress during the 24 hours we just spent together. Might seem like a pretty low bar, but if you know what I've been through, you would understand how important that is for my nervous system to see that I can actually go away with somebody, and come back without scars. 

My Sexual Energy / appetite continue to confound and elude me. Even sometimes at home by myself with a vibrator. It really does feel like my vaginal walls are thinner. I'm definitely going to have to talk to a doctor about that. 

I did a fun sexy photo shoot. 

I need to sex up my life in order to raise my sexual energy. 

How do I feel about my girlfriend? I like her and she's fun to hang out with. I don't remember the date of our first date or even when we started seeing each other. I'm going to have to go back through my Tumblr or my calendar and try to figure it out. So that kind of shows you how not seriously I was taking it at the beginning. 

She says her commitment to me is on par with her other girlfriends, but then she has her BEST friend who she's about to begin a sexual relationship with, and they really lean on each other a lot for life stuff because they're both single moms, so it will be like they are in a really serious relationship right off the bat. 

Does this bother me? It makes me a little bit nervous. My girlfriend claims to be a relationship anarchist, but I've seen how claims like that fall away. She also claimed to be a lesbian and now she's sleeping with a man 🤷🏽‍♀️ This is why I keep dating. I can't be the 7th girlfriend of someone who is my one and only. I feel like a part of a harem lol 😅 So I'm keeping the doors and windows open for other connections. Not to replace her of course, but because I'd like to have more than one option to ask on a date when something special comes up. 

[notforopenmic]

Birthday Sex!

I got to have birthday sex! A week ago I would have told you it wasn't going to happen, and I was really struggling with that/trying to find anyone on Tinder, man, woman or NB who would have sex with me on my birthday. 

But The Scientist’s plans changed, and she told me to come over in the morning for some birthday sex, so I snuck the spare key out from under the rock on her front porch, snuck up the stairs past the couch where one of her children was sleeping, and into her bedroom where we stripped. She used the strap-on on me, two different dicks, one after the other. I've never been with a man with interchangeable penises.  There are benefits to using a strap on 😏

She said “I can't believe I'm the lucky bastard that gets to give you birthday sex.”

That is exactly what I've been looking for. Someone who sees my desire as something they are delighted to fulfill, not a burden or obligation.

I'm honestly still processing those words, but they felt really good to hear. And when we were at the theater the other night, she referred to us as a couple, twice. I know I already said that in my last post, but it bears repeating, because this was going to be my first birthday where I was single. And now I'm part of a couple. And the person I'm with, feels lucky to satisfy me. After the last two relationships I've had, its a breath of fresh air.

[notforopenmic]

Birthday Countdown

I turn 41 tomorrow. This has been one hell of a year. My 40th birthday was rough. I went out of town with my then-boyfriend of 10 years, and we fought the whole time. I felt invisible. I felt misunderstood. I cried. 

I wish I could say this was an exception, but the fact of the matter is I have a record for having extraordinarily shitty birthdays, going all the way back to childhood.

I can admit that now my birthday has become a trigger. I start to get agitated before the day even comes, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I feel best when no one knows it's my birthday. Like I don't have my birthday announced on facebook. I've had jobs at different workplaces or taking classes at different schools, where I haven't told people when it's my birthday, I've just let it pass. I try to keep the celebration small– to just the family I live with. I have learned that lesson the hard way. If you invite other people, they have the ability to turn you down. It can be incredibly lonely sitting there on your birthday with just your immediate family when you've invited other people to join you, so I decided to no longer invite other people. 

This year is different from last year in a fundamental way. Jack and I aren't a couple anymore. Being platonic co-parenting partners has changed things. On the plus side, we don't fight nearly as much. 

But I was feeling pretty stressed out because this was going to be my first birthday in my adulthood that I was single. My birthday is kind of a time capsule of my life at the moment. And not having a partner on my birthday feels emblematic of my life as a whole. 

I want birthday sex. I said it. I can't think of a birthday that I've had since I was first married at age 21 where not having sex has resulted in me doing anything but crying myself to sleep. 

So this past week I have flipped the switch on my Tinder account to include men. I have zero desire to ever have a relationship with another man for the rest of my life, but when what I'm looking for is just to be banged, if I'm craving being thrown around a room, I don't need to be picky. I also wrote on FetLife that I need to be tossed around like a rag doll. 

I have yet to get a single hit on Tinder, and I'm pretty sure my account has been shadowbanned because I tried to change my age, because it's been 6 months and I haven't had one match. 

I also have two dates coming up, one is a second date and another one is a first date. One is tonight, so one day before my birthday, unlikely to end in birthday sex although this person is incredibly attracted to me. She's been very clear about that. The other one is on Monday, so past my birthday. 

Last night The Scientist and I had tickets to a show, which she wanted to make my birthday celebration since she wasn't going to be available on my birthday. So the show is great, we both loved it . We went out for dinner afterwards. For my birthday she had bought me this cute vest top with little cameras all over it, which was so funny because I happened to be wearing a dress that had cameras all over it, that she had never seen before. 

On the way home in the car she said, “I feel like someone should be giving you birthday sex!” 

I agreed, because boy do I agree. Hence the desperate swiping on Tinder. But on my birthday she was going to be picking up her daughter from out of town and then bringing her back home for family time. 

Last night I told Jack that The  Scientist said somebody should be giving me birthday sex and he got all weird and clammed up. Of course. But this morning I got a text message saying that she can see me on my birthday after all, because her daughter doesn't need to be picked up until late afternoon. 

So while all of her still-at-home children are sleeping on the morning of my birthday, I'm going to sneak over to her place for a little morning sex. At least that's the plan. Let's hope Frenchie doesn't have another “emergency” that stops me from being able to go over there in the morning, otherwise it will be pretty clear to me that the first time was on purpose. 

This is my birthday, and if she tries to sabotage it by making up a fake emergency that The Scientist has to tend to, I am going to be extremely pissed. 

But... I left out the best part. While we were at the theater, The Scientist referred to us as a couple. It felt really good and true. I can't wait to see her tomorrow morning. 

I don't think I've had that “can't wait to see her” feeling with her before. Very scary, boys and girls...

[notforopenmic]

Love Quadrangles

If I've never said this before in as many words, it's only because it should be obvious: I don't want to fight over a woman. Yet it seems as though that might be what I'm unwittingly doing. It's a cold war, and of course the entire thing could be in my head. I could be the only one for whom this is on their radar. Of course that could be true. 

I asked The Scientist to come see an Off-Broadway musical with me. We'd been planning on going as a group with people from open mic, but then The Scientist and I both decided we weren't going because the tickets were too expensive. I don't know what anyone else decided as far as going or not going. 

Then, my family gave me two tickets as an early birthday present, so I asked The Scientist to come with me. She said yes and she was so excited. Then her girlfriend, Kingpin apparently asked her if Kingpin could come with us. 

Say whaaaa–? 

I'm sorry, this is my birthday gift, and we are going on a date. We have good seats and there are no more available around us. Thankfully I didn't have to say any of that, because we realized that they were going to be out of town the weekend we have the tickets anyway. 

But I have a feeling there will be some resentment for the fact that the scientists saw it with me and not with Kingpin. Even though The Scientist was never going to see it with Kingpin because it was too expensive. 

This evening I'm deciding whether to go out for a dance night at the lesbian bar. I've always leaned towards no, it's not really my thing. But the Scientist might be going, and besides that I am looking for a girlfriend and people to have sex with. I need to get out there, and a kinky party where everyone's all sweaty and sexy is a good way of doing that. 

But here's the thing– the scientist coming is based on what time her erotically charged BFF, Frenchie, leaves The Scientist’s home tonight. And if Frenchie knows that if she leaves early that means The Scientist is going to go to a sexy dance party with me, then she simply won't leave, so that that doesn't happen. 

Like I said, I could just be making all of this stuff in my head. It's possible that nobody is thinking about any of these things at all. 

We'll see how it all unfolds… but I'll be surprised if I see The Scientist there tonight. On top of all that there's all the other drama between Mercury and Girlfriend Number Three, that has nothing to do with me thank goodness. 

So I don't feel like going to this thing. I'm in a lot of pain in my calves, and my feet in particular are killing me, not great for dancing. The dance floor is tiny and people are all crushed up against each other so you can barely move, which sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Like riding a packed bus. It's just not my scene. 

But apparently the 30 plus people usually arrive at around 7:00 to claim the back table, and then we kind of have the table for the whole night and sit down and stand up and do whatever from there whenever we want. So that would be okay. And it's not uncommon for one of the 30 plus people to come at 7:00 and be at home in bed by 10:00, so I've decided that 10:00 is my cap for tonight. I don't want to stay out later than that, especially with Jack driving me. He is a great former partner. He spent a good part of his afternoon finishing installing the soundproof tiles in my bedroom, so I can have women over without freaking out my kids. I think he deserves a trophy. 🏆 

It's not so much that I'm only going to see The Scientist. It's more so that seeing her would make being there worth it. Are those the same thing? But I've missed out on a few opportunities lately because at the last minute I decided I didn't want to go, and I've never been relieved by that decision, only vaguely disappointed in my choice. 

So I think I've made up my mind, even though I know I'm not going to like this. Maybe this experience will surprise me. I'm going in willing to be surprised, and I am 100% willing to show up early and leave just as early. 

I'm going for me. I'm going to charge my phone as I get ready so I won't know if The Scientist is going or not. We will let whether I see her be a surprise, not my motivation. 

[notforopenmic]

What's Your Pleasure?

The Scientist just left, and while my body is still abuzz, the edges around everything are fuzzy. We had a good time. As always, part of me felt absent. It's really starting to frustrate me— I'm afraid she can tell. I wish she'd come over for longer so I wouldn't feel like I have to make myself orgasm so quickly. That's part of the reason the sex doesn't cut through the fog— I don't let it. I stop as soon as I have an orgasm, even if it's just a small one… 

And now I'm trying to remember what my logic on that was, and I'm coming up empty. I guess it's just fear that we'll run out of time. I want to make sure I get her off, so I rush. Partially because I'm afraid someone is going to come home, partially because we usually only have a couple of hours together

But!! I took the dads (my co parents) out for fathers day, and while we were at breakfast, the family gave me an early birthday gift— tickets to Kinky Boots! It's before my birthday, that's why they’re giving them to me now. 

Today I asked The Scientist to go with me and she said yes, so I’m really excited about that. Taking Jack would have just been self-destructive, and I don't know who else I’d ask. But none of that matters because The Scientist is going! 

This just feels special. Like a new tier of date. Better than dinner or a movie, both of which we've done. We'll dress up, and I just hope it's one of those nights. Although hoping to feel a certain way is a good way to get disappointed. And I've reached my lifetime maximum Disappointment. 

I sure hope the gods, the ancestors, the spirits and the universe can hear me because I am serious. I'm putting my foot down. That feels like a good way to jinx myself. Hey universe, I'm just kidding! 

Anyway… 

Today I wrote an article about how someone should have made the Menage a Mois from Grace and Frankie so that I would have a vibrator I could use that didn't make my joints flare up. Obviously the actual vibrator they ended up making on that show was ridiculous and wouldn't have helped anyone, but the concept of a vibrator that can be used by someone with arthritis or other limited Mobility or dexterity was a concept that needed to be brought front and center and I can't believe that no one has picked it up and run with it. 

 I wouldn't feel like I needed to rush through sex if I had a vibrator I knew I could use for as long as I needed to.

Someone needs to start making sex toys for disabled people. Somebody who isn't me— i already have a billion projects on the go. Maybe I'll just write a letter to the sex toy companies and see if I can get others to do the same. 

If you're a spoonie and you can't have pain-free sex, drop a line to your favorite sex toy companies and let them know they need to do better. Ergonomic toys aren't only for people who are elderly or disabled, though even if they were, that would be reason enough. Ergonomics are for everyone. So is pleasure. I'm tired of waiting to feel like my pleasure is a priority. It has a major impact on my mental health and quality of life and should be treated as a need, not a want.

[notforopenmic]

Pinned

[notforopenmic]

Pinned: Teaser

Pinned: Teaser

It's been awhile since I posted a teaser. Enjoy. 😏

[notforopenmic]

Text Me Back!

I haven't heard from The Scientist in a few days, and I'm starting to worry. She sent a how are you text. I said I was fine that I was going on a date today. She didn't respond. 

I really don't think it's the date thing, because we tell each other about our dates all the time. 

The next day I texted to ask if she had any free time coming up for us to hang out, I sent that last night at around 8:00 p.m. and it's the next day, and I still haven't received a response from her. I am starting to freak out a little bit. 

The last thing I need for her to do is what every other woman does: realize they don't actually want me, and disappear. 

How am I ever going to find somebody if they all do this? I'm aware that I'm jumping the gun here. I just feel so jittery and I don't like this feeling. This is why I didn't want to get emotionally involved with her— I want to be with someone who's ethically non monogamous, but I also want that person to have time for me. I don't want to ever wonder where I stand with them. I want whoever I end up with to always text me back. 

Then again, I know I don't always text people back right away either. I sometimes make them wait, and I don't think about the fact that they're waiting for my reply. I just assume that they have other things going on, and they don't care. 

I've got to chill. 

I cannot become insecure, that is her number one turn off. So I wait for The Scientists reply as I continue to use the dating apps, go out with other women, and attend events where I can meet people. Last night, for instance, I went to a Sapphic pub night. It was fun. I met some interesting women and also had some repeat connections. Slowly getting to know people through community involvement is one way I'm leaving myself open to meeting someone. 

Because boy do I need to meet someone. 

[notforopenmic]

Sapphic Bath

 Dear Hearts, 

It seems to me that my telling The Scientist I did not view her as my girlfriend, may have given her the will to step up? The first open mic we went to after that conversation, she made sure she was near me both during the open mic and at the bar afterwards, even though one of her other girlfriends was there. Then, instead of having my Jack come pick me up as usual, she offered to drive me home for the first time.

We have since been on our first real date, we went out for dinner. And then we went back to her place, and took a bath together, and then just lay in her bed listening to French music. 

I'm still not calling her my girlfriend, but if this kind of thing keeps up I will definitely reopen the subject with her. I don't even want to say what I'm hoping for. I have to keep my expectations realistic. But going to dinner and then taking a bath together is just so dreamy and gay…

I don't want to get too excited because I don't know what can make it go away. I know that feeling obligations from other people , or feeling like someone is playing with her, are things she does not appreciate. So of course I'm worried that I'm going to end up doing those things and scaring her off. 

Oh there is so much drama going on in the polycule that she is linked to, around getting pregnant and who will be the sperm donor, at the same time she feels her relationship with Kingpin is changing— for instance, they haven't had sex in weeks. They're going to meet this week to talk about the relationship, and I'm eager to hear what she has to say. 

It would just feel really good if she didn't have so many girlfriends. When we started dating, she told me basically that she and her girlfriends had a schedule, so if she and I were to start hooking up, it would just be whenever she had free time. I was fine with that, because I'm looking for all different types of connections and a friend with benefits is one of them. 

But the more girlfriends that are out of the picture, the more time she has to spend with me. I'm not saying I know it will go that way. But a woman can hope. There's still so much longing, but on top of it there's just this surreal quality that some of the things that I've been longing for are actually happening… 

Being naked in the bathtub with a woman I like, is not something I had on my bingo card for 2026. I'm grateful, and scared of anything that can make it go away. I keep dating. All of my eggs do not go into the same basket. Plus, one girlfriend simply isn't enough. What happens when one of you is in the hospital, and the other is working? I need a bigger support system than that, please! 

And to be honest, Kingpin has really been bragging a lot since both of our breakups in December about how many girlfriends she has, plus a wife. I would love for her to lose one of those girlfriends, and for that girlfriend to become mine. It's not cool to kick someone when they're down, and rub what you have in their face. 

So I have to say, if she and The Scientist break up this week, I will experience a little thrill of schadenfreude. The Scientist is still in a relationship with girlfriend #3 and I don't see that one ending anytime soon. They are very close, and the relationship seems very stable, and I don't want The Scientist all to myself. I'm not monogamous. It would just feel really, really good to wipe that smug expression off Kingpin's face. 

[notforopenmic]

Romantic Friendship

So I was with The Scientist the other day, and things are starting to shift in our relationship. I don't want to get too excited, and of course I'm going to continue to date other people. In fact, I have a date with someone else on Tuesday night.

But for the first time, The Scientist initiated us spending time together. I wondered if she would, and she did, so that was great. When we were talking, post sex , I asked her how she would describe our relationship– I was looking for a qualitative answer,  not a label. But she said she sees me more than she sees Kingpin these days, and that she and Kingpin have been seeing each other and spending time together but have not been having sex since The Scientist broke up with Mercury. Then she said she would be comfortable calling me her girlfriend. 

I told her I didn't think that word really described our relationship. I didn't say this to her, but aside from parties and open mic, we don't spend time together outside of the bedroom. So we planned a date for Saturday night, we're going to go out for pizza at the best pizza place in the city. She also drove me home for the first time after open mic last night, so I feel like what I said about not being at girlfriend level yet may have sparked something in her. We decided to call what we have a Sapphic Friendship for now. Did you know that back in the 20’s, women were actually allowed and encouraged to have romantic friendships with each other? It was considered a normal part of white middle class feminist female college experience. 

Women would write home to their families about their romantic friendships. They would court each other by showering each other with gifts and attention. 

Then of course the church got involved and decided that this was wrong, but there was actually a brief pocket of acceptance there. Religion ruins everything. But I didn't even know that! The Scientist told me and then I did some reading. How much of our own history is just buried? But anyway. 

The headline news is: I could have said yes and had girlfriend. But I wouldn't have actually had a girlfriend, I would have just had the title of one. When I say I have a girlfriend, I want it to be because I actually have one , not because I have a friend with benefits who I'm calling a girlfriend. 

But I'm feeling hopeful, more hopeful than I have in a while and that is a dangerous feeling. Don't let me down, hope. 

[notforopenmic]

Manifesting Girlfriend

I live in the Pacific Northwest, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who believes deeply in the metaphysical. There are many flavors of this, and I am open to some flavors more than others. One idea I cannot get away from is this thought that if you write down everything you want as highly specific as possible, the universe will grant it to you. This works for things like homes, jobs, relationships, travel opportunities, etc 

I think I've already done a couple of blog posts where I've waxed poetic about what I'm looking for in a woman, but here is a list. It is itemized. 

I don't actually believe in this. But having grown up in a crazy ass religious household where I was given a version of this, except that you had to ask god, there is still a part of me that kind of believes this could be true. 

There is a part of me that thinks “well, I'll just do it as an experiment.” If you end up getting everything you want, then that's evidence that it's real. If you don't, then that's more evidence that its not. 

Some of the things on the list I know I won't find out until part way through the relationship, and I'm okay with that. We are supposed to be as indulgent as possible with our lists, so the universe can show us how powerful it is or some shit. 

There's a part of me that wants to just throw everything I possibly can at the business of finding a partner. This is why I keep online dating, even though I'm 90% sure that is not how I'm going to meet my people or person. If I don't try everything, and I end up alone, I will blame myself for not having tried hard enough to find a woman/women to love. 

There's a part of me that thinks, how could it possibly hurt to have a list?  Its better safe than sorry, right? So here is the list. I am in my 40th year, so 40 items is symbolic. Who knows? I may even find her before I hit 41. 

1. Beautiful

2. Sexual

3. Socially aware

4. ACAB

5. Ethically diverse

6. Smart

7. Kind/Sweet

8. Cute

9. Fun/playful

10. Hilarious

11. Good with kids

12. Loving

13. Empathetic

14. Deep thinker

15. Critical thinker

16. Non-judgmental

17. Open-minded

18. Substance-free

19. Not too "woo"

20. Appreciative of art

21. Sees me

22. Loves planning events and surprises

23. Drives

24. Has their own space

25. Forgiving

26. Prioritizes health

27. Open to life

28. Believes in possibility

29. Cares deeply about others

30. Wants me

31. Loves me (even if just as a fellow human at first)

32. Knows life is short

33. Plans for a life that will be long (ex, buys a house without stairs so they can grow old in their own home)

34. Gives good hugs

35. Smells right

36. Loves good music

37. Enjoys live shows

38. Can teach me life/survival skills

39. Can read me

40. Loves my kids

There it is. That's the list. It feels a little strange posting it. I think it's inviting judgment. It's also just a stark wall of all of these things that I want, and I'm wondering if I could possibly get even half of these. 

But the "experiment" is to ask for everything your little heart can possibly think of, so that's what I'm doing. Funny though, you could spend your entire life thinking maybe it just hasn't happened… *yet*

But I won't go there… yet. 

In other news, things may be crumbling between the Kingpin (queer poetry/polyamory royalty) and The Scientist, as a ripple effect of The Scientist breaking Mercury’s (one of Kingpin’s other gf's) heart. 

Or this could just be a weird blip and as Mercury heals, things between Kingpin and The Scientist will return to normal. 

It shouldn't, but having fewer people to “compete” with gives me a tiny thrill. I think it has to do with feeling chosen. Which is so ridiculous. I could be the next one out. I guess I’d like a chance at being her girlfriend, even just for a little while. That overwhelming “can it ever even happen for me” is a storm cloud over my head. But I think she realized she's not pro-label, so I doubt she'd call me her girlfriend after all this other fallout. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The Scientist said if things end with Kingpin she is fine with letting them flow that way. She would make a great Buddhist. She did not say they are breaking up. And even if they do, that doesn't mean that she's interested in changing our relationship from what it is. She likes the shape of us and I have to admit I also do… 

Am I longing for something deeper with her and just unable to be honest with myself? Or am I just longing for something deeper, period, and have to keep my life open and continue to search for who that might be?