Manifesting Girlfriend
I live in the Pacific Northwest, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who believes deeply in the metaphysical. There are many flavors of this, and I am open to some flavors more than others. One idea I cannot get away from is this thought that if you write down everything you want as highly specific as possible, the universe will grant it to you. This works for things like homes, jobs, relationships, travel opportunities, etc
I think I've already done a couple of blog posts where I've waxed poetic about what I'm looking for in a woman, but here is a list. It is itemized.
I don't actually believe in this. But having grown up in a crazy ass religious household where I was given a version of this, except that you had to ask god, there is still a part of me that kind of believes this could be true.
There is a part of me that thinks “well, I'll just do it as an experiment.” If you end up getting everything you want, then that's evidence that it's real. If you don't, then that's more evidence that its not.
Some of the things on the list I know I won't find out until part way through the relationship, and I'm okay with that. We are supposed to be as indulgent as possible with our lists, so the universe can show us how powerful it is or some shit.
There's a part of me that wants to just throw everything I possibly can at the business of finding a partner. This is why I keep online dating, even though I'm 90% sure that is not how I'm going to meet my people or person. If I don't try everything, and I end up alone, I will blame myself for not having tried hard enough to find a woman/women to love.
There's a part of me that thinks, how could it possibly hurt to have a list? Its better safe than sorry, right? So here is the list. I am in my 40th year, so 40 items is symbolic. Who knows? I may even find her before I hit 41.
1. Beautiful
2. Sexual
3. Socially aware
4. ACAB
5. Ethically diverse
6. Smart
7. Kind/Sweet
8. Cute
9. Fun/playful
10. Hilarious
11. Good with kids
12. Loving
13. Empathetic
14. Deep thinker
15. Critical thinker
16. Non-judgmental
17. Open-minded
18. Substance-free
19. Not too "woo"
20. Appreciative of art
21. Sees me
22. Loves planning events and surprises
23. Drives
24. Has their own space
25. Forgiving
26. Prioritizes health
27. Open to life
28. Believes in possibility
29. Cares deeply about others
30. Wants me
31. Loves me (even if just as a fellow human at first)
32. Knows life is short
33. Plans for a life that will be long (ex, buys a house without stairs so they can grow old in their own home)
34. Gives good hugs
35. Smells right
36. Loves good music
37. Enjoys live shows
38. Can teach me life/survival skills
39. Can read me
40. Loves my kids
There it is. That's the list. It feels a little strange posting it. I think it's inviting judgment. It's also just a stark wall of all of these things that I want, and I'm wondering if I could possibly get even half of these.
But the "experiment" is to ask for everything your little heart can possibly think of, so that's what I'm doing. Funny though, you could spend your entire life thinking maybe it just hasn't happened… *yet*
But I won't go there… yet.
In other news, things may be crumbling between the Kingpin (queer poetry/polyamory royalty) and The Scientist, as a ripple effect of The Scientist breaking Mercury’s (one of Kingpin’s other gf's) heart.
Or this could just be a weird blip and as Mercury heals, things between Kingpin and The Scientist will return to normal.
It shouldn't, but having fewer people to “compete” with gives me a tiny thrill. I think it has to do with feeling chosen. Which is so ridiculous. I could be the next one out. I guess I’d like a chance at being her girlfriend, even just for a little while. That overwhelming “can it ever even happen for me” is a storm cloud over my head. But I think she realized she's not pro-label, so I doubt she'd call me her girlfriend after all this other fallout.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The Scientist said if things end with Kingpin she is fine with letting them flow that way. She would make a great Buddhist. She did not say they are breaking up. And even if they do, that doesn't mean that she's interested in changing our relationship from what it is. She likes the shape of us and I have to admit I also do…
Am I longing for something deeper with her and just unable to be honest with myself? Or am I just longing for something deeper, period, and have to keep my life open and continue to search for who that might be?







