Decentralising the Couple
In many ways, M and I are a living, breathing example of couple privilege. We look alike, are very affectionate and when we walk into a space, it's obvious we are in a relationship. We're constantly told how cute we are together, and how much people look up to our 'doing poly right' relationship. People treat us as two halves of a very cute unit. I've written about this before.
It's kind of unnerving, receiving a constant cycle of positive feedback, because we live on the inside of this bubble. We see the cracks, the times where M has shouted and I've run away, the times where I've been stubborn or manipulative and he's been frightening or defensive.
We see that we have as many issues as everyone else. It's just that we don't spread shit on each other or air our dirty laundry in public while it's still raw. People often think we have very few problems and somehow just 'make it work'. They don't see the amount of growth we've had to go through just to be happy together.
What's even more unnerving is the way this sometimes makes our other partners invisible. There have been a few occasions where I've been sat with a meta while a friend tells me how much they love my relationship with M, while my meta is more or less ignored. It can be hard balancing that kind of energy so that everyone feels included and supported. I want people to see M and his other partners as clearly as they see him and me.
Recently I showed up to a party with Dash, and a couple of people were very surprised when we started kissing, partly because our relationship came about through sharing a workplace and so no one saw the buildup. However, a friend or two seemed to think this meant I had broken up with M, despite knowing that we are polyamorous. I think the expectation is that M and I are a unit, and sometimes we date other people, whereas the reality is that we are individuals who are dating multiple people, including each other. It's expected that I'll show up to the party with M, and maybe another partner as an add-on. Showing up just with another partner is apparently a bit more odd.
Something I have realised recently is that the idea of coupledom is quite far from what I want my life to look like in many ways. Since coming to polyamory, I have always identified as solo poly, or at least borderline relationship anarchist, as has M. We just happened to meet and partner up in a very close way.
I want to put in the work to enable both of us to reach that goal, where we can be as close as we are or want to be, and yet still maintain our fierce individuality. I think we have largely succeeded at this, though others perceive us as 'primaries' and in some ways we can be (we're each the partner the other spends the most time with, we have longterm business plans etc, though all of that is thoroughly able to change. I wouldn't describe it as primary myself but some people might). There have definitely been times where one or other of us has prioritised the other over another friendship or relationship due to fear or misread needs, but we both want to work on that, and have been doing so fairly successfully.
I want to decentralise the idea of coupledom from my perception of relationships and also show another model to those friends who perceive us as an 'open couple'. So many of us talk about wanting a more honest, less label-charged system of relating to others, and it will only happen if we put in the work to do it.
Speaking with Dash, it's clear that this is a relationship form he is fully on board with too, and I am very excited to face the challenges and new learning that will come from both these relationships and any others I may have. This is the first time I've had two such close, intense and passionate relationships in the same locale, and it is challenging and wonderful. It feels like developing another close relationship has reminded me of the fact that M and I don't have to be 'the couple' and that that's my internalised monogamous social script limiting my view of relationships. M seems as happy about this as I am, as his natural inclination is much along the same lines as mine.
It's been really wonderful remembering that my relationships don't have to follow a set structure in order to be deep, fulfilling and committed. I am no less committed to M than I was before I started dating Dash, and I am still so excited to be handfasted this summer, and even more excited to see what the future brings for us, given our ridiculously high number of shared dreams. But now I can also look forward to whatever happens with Dash too, and the process of discovery that our relationship is and will be.
