Seungho’s heart, the part of himself he thought long dead, is suddenly feeling emotions after all these years and it fucking hurts, it drives him mad and confuses the hell out fo him. That’s the reason why the mighty lord Yoon has been sitting alone in his room the whole day since the moment Nakyum left him there, getting himself drunk and demolishing furniture because a peasant boy doesn’t love him back. A few sentences from Nakyum and his sad, resigned expression have him brood all day, not thinking about anything else but the painter’s sad eyes.
It’s a rare sight getting to observe Seungho alone with his thoughts, searching his own heart. Actually, seeing him getting all angry, panicked and desperate while confronting his feelings for the painter has made me suddenly realize that NAKYUM IS SEUNGHO’S FIRST LOVE. Everything is so new for him and overwhelming, but because it’s happened to him when he’s already an adult with sexual experience, this isn’t just a mere crush or puppy love but literally the love of his life. It feels so much more intense, raw and terrifying.
What often gets forgotten is how perceptive and sensitive Seungho is, even more so with Nakyum who he barely lets out of his sight, even though he hides it under the mask of cynicism, arrogance and blasé attitude. If he didn’t care about Nakyum, he wouldn’t be so frustrated by Nakyum’s words or thinking about them so deeply and for so long. He sure never did give a damn what his fuck buddies were thinking or whether they were hurt, hell, Seungho gives zero fucks what anyone thinks about him. He pretty much had sex with Nakyum in a tailor’s shop for the whole town to see. So it’s only natural Seungho notices something is terribly wrong with Nakyum and deep down, he suspects it has to do with a certain no-good scholar.
Inhun might be miles away in the capital, but his shadow still lingers over them, like an ominous cloud, He is still on Nakyum’s mind, holding power over him and poisoning him. His poison has tainted his mind and Nakyum can’t rid off it alone because he’s been exposed to his toxic influence for far too long. Seungho’s only hope is to find a cure which would purge it out of his system because, even if not physically there, Inhun keeps hurting Nakyum and destroying their relationship.
Talking about Inhun’s poison, Nakyum, out of some sick sense of proving Inhun was right about him, is treating himself as a whore and someone worthless. He has always took whatever bullshit the scholar spouted as a holy writ, be it that plagiarized poem or his kind words. And right now, he behaves like a spurned wife still loyal to her husband even though he mistreated and abandoned her the moment she stopped being useful to him. To understand Nakyum’s behaviour we need to look at Nakyum’s paintings because they play a crucial role in the story and they are visceral part of him. They are his way of expressing how he feels and views the world, his emotions and secret desires he’s unable to show otherwise. When he drew Inhun, Nakyum placed him sitting above everyone on a literal and figurative pedestal which was so high not even dirt could touch it. He looks almost inhuman there, cold, untouchable and out of reach. While he drew himself slouching below him, standing in the dirt in a submissive position, admiring him from afar in a complete contrast to how he painted himself and Seungho – as a lover, warm, touchable, always embracing him, giving him pleasure. Therefore if the wise lord Inhun said that Nakyum is a whore, then he must be.
The sheer tragedy is that Nakyum’s submissiveness is nothing new. He has been submissive in his entire relationship with Inhun: he never spoke up, never protested, never got angry because he was afraid the scholar would dislike him and throw him away like a trash. His relationship with Seungho showed that Nakyum is very brave, outspoken, can speak his mind if given a chance and even stand up and fight for himself. However, these personality traits were missing whenever he was with Inhun. With him he became meek and eager to please, just the way he is with Seungho now. Nakyum has been negating himself his whole life: first because of his low status, then because of Inhun - be it his talent, his personality or his sexuality - and now, it’s again because of Inhun but when he is being with Seungho. Nakyum’s submissiveness is partly a result of his low social standing; however, it was Inhun who not only manipulated him but also instilled in him the notion of his own worthlessness and this extreme submisiveness. Inhun told Nakyum that he is nothing but a whore so Nakyum acts he thinks a whore would to prove him right.
Nakyum doesn’t dislike having sex with Seungho, he is actually punishing himself for liking it. He makes himself numb to escape from the pain Inhun caused him, but also to avoid the pain of feeling too much for Seungho. Thus, the apathetic and lethargic look in his eyes - they are hollow and empty. And Seungho hates it, he hates the wall Nakyum placed between them and the shadow Inhun casts over them.
The whole situation must feel like a déjà vu to Seungho. He’s been here before when Nakyum came begging him for sex. And once again history repeats itself: Nakyum trying to seduce him and impale himself on his cock, Seungho realizing Inhun is the reason for all this, including Nakyum’s sad, resigned eyes, Seungho carefully watching and hating Nakyum’s behaviour, gettting angry and desperate at being helpless to stop Nakyum from behaving like this. It’s shattering Seungho’s heart to pieces seeing him like this.
Seungho wants Nakyum’s spirit, in fact, he wants all of him, not a mindless fuck doll. He wants Nakyum to want him, the way Seungho wants him. He wants his willingness but not his subservience and submissiveness, as if he were nothing but a whore, a servant who provides him sex. If it were only about sex, he could find it anywhere and with anyone. He never had any qualms fucking whoever he wanted, but there is something special about Nakyum that makes him want him despite their difference in station or Nakyum’s feelings for another man. It has always been Nakyum’s spirit, his willpower, his innocence and courage which never disappeared no matter how much Seungho pushed him. It’s what has drawn him to Nakyum like a moth to a flame, but now his spirit is dimished. Inhun has broken it and it’s Seungho’s job to fix it now and heal the painter’s heart.
Thus, Nakyum’s submissiveness and apathy frustrate him. He hates those dead, indifferent eyes which used to be so lovely, so full of life and wonder and innocent desire. They used to be clear and transparent like a crystal, allowing him to see his very soul, but those eyes are now clouded by sorrow and lethargy. He can’t see himself in those eyes anymore not Nakyum’s soul.
He wants a lover not a whore. The difference between a whore and a lover is that a whore doesn’t have a choice and gets paid for it because otherwise she would starve, but a lover wants to be there. And Seungho wants Nakyum to see himself as his lover and also to see Seungho as his lover and not his master because Seungho already considers Nakyum as his lover in every sense of the word. He sleeps with Nakyum because he genuinely adores and desires him therefore he expects the same in return, Naturally, Seungho has absolutely no filters so his delivery of that sentiment leaves much to be desired and comes across as blunt and insensitive, but when he tells Nakyum he enjoys his whorish behaviour, he means that he likes Nakyum taking initiative in their lovemaking and showing his enthusiasm, but at the same time he is insinuating that he wants Nakyum’s willingness and sincerity. He wants Nakyum to take him inside his body because Nakyum wants him there not because he’s punishing himself.
One of the reasons for Seungho’s frustration has to do witht the fact that for Seungho, sex is the only way how he can freely express his emotions without putting them into words, just like Nakyum and his paintings. He allows himself to be sincere and open. It’s much safer and simpler than looking deep inside his heart, admitting to himself he has fallen in love or making himself vulnerable by voicing his feelings. Morever, sex is the only time when Nakyum, in a way, belongs only to Seungho, it’s the only way Seungho knows how to make Nakyum his. In the beginning, Seungho had thought it was the only thing he wanted from Nakyum. Oh, how terribly wrong he had been and it’s now biting him back. His “ownership” of Nakyum’s body is a hollow victory because while he might have the body, Nakyum’s mind and heart, which he covets so much, still elude him. And it drives him mad because deep down he knows that he he gave his whole self to Nakyum but Nakyum did not.
This the face of a man who is falling in love and he is starting to realize that he is falling in love but also that his love is not being reciprocated and it’s breaking his heart. It makes him desperate. It’s like his brain is short-circuiting. In ch 47,there was the ambiguous “Because it hurts?” and now “…to DO THIS. THIS THING.” - once again loaded with meaning. This is Seungho confronting himself and what he feels,trying to come to terms with it:“What is this feeling? What is THIS? What are we?”
For weeks now, Seungho has been going out of his way to make the distance between him and Nakyum smaller, treating him almost as an equal and a proper lover with all the respect he deserves, but Nakyum is doing the completely opposite now; he is distancing himself from Seungho and his embrace, escaping out of his grasp. By putting a mask of indifference and submissiveness, Nakyum is putting a wall between himself and the noble. This is what makes Seungho so desperate and insistent - he fears he is losing Nakyum because there are many ways the painter can escape from him and that’s exactly what he’s doing right now. He might be physically there, but his heart and spirit are not. He’s hidden them somewhere beyond those listless eyes in a place where Seungho can’t reach them unless Nakyum allows it. They remain elusive to Seungho, just like Nakyum’s spirit. However, Seungho won’t have that since he is not one to give up. He will crush that wall, break through the mask and burn the distance between them forever if he has to.
He will force the truth out of him, using sex, because even hate, shock and basically anything is better than Nakyum’s apathy and mask of numbness and emptiness. When he tells Seungho that he won’t longer tolerate him being meek, it translates as:”I don’t want this empty shell. I want YOU. The real you. Come back from where you are hiding. Come back to me.” He wants to drive a reaction from him, he wants to make him fight and drown him in pleasure. To pull him out from his lethargic state and bring him back to light.
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