infertility is such a weird world to be in.
it’s a world i certainly never asked to be in, but the world i have been thrown into nonethless. growing up, i think i took i truly believed i would always have a family of my own. i would make a family of my own. you watch all the tv shows where people are getting married and having kids, and you’re watching the tiktok’s and reels of people telling their families their pregnant, and when you’re doing that, it doesn’t feel like such an unattainable goal. it doesn’t feel like something that could ever be considered difficult, or impossible. at the time, i was in no rush to get pregnant, so i never really thought too much about it.
but for the past two and a half years, my fiancé and i have actively been trying to have a baby, and we can’t.
‘can’t’ is a strong word. nothing has been ruled impossible just yet, but after a certain amount of time, that starts to feel like the only word you can use. i got semi-diagnosed with pcos, and shortly after, the research began. i would spend hours upon hours flicking through the internet in search of remedies, ways to reverse these dreaded side effects. i spent so much money on supplements that did not a single thing, didn’t even make me feel any different. i planned my entire life around trying to conceive, and have so far had nothing in return.
what a lot of people don’t tell you about infertility is how lonely it truly is to go through it, especially as a woman. my fiancé, god love him, has been by my side the entire way, and i know it effects him just as deeply as it effects me, but even when he is right there beside me, i still feel lonely. i can’t turn to him and talk about how draining it is to know my body isn’t working the way it should, how guilty i feel that i can’t give him the family he so desperately wants right now, that i’m trying everything in my power to make my bits and bobs work the way they are supposed to, but they just won’t.
it's the frustration of it all, too. a person who wants a child will truly, truly obsess over the idea of starting a family, and that's just the truth, and it's all that can be expected. the daydream becomes all you can think about, even when all these other good things are happening around you; suddenly i can't sit in Starbucks without wondering what it would be like to be in this moment with my child, them sitting in the pram next to me whilst i sip at my coffee and work on my silly little blog posts. i get emotional seeing my fiance be. . . himself!! just himself!! because that man could be such an amazing father if my body just worked the way it is supposed to. i think about how i will tell my parents and my siblings on a daily basis, literally planning out the moment in my head over and over again. the other day, i was thinking up a way to tell my big sister i want her to be my child's godmother. i was lost, completely and utterly lost in a world that was not my own, a world that was better than my own, a world i yearn for.
it's painful. that's the bottom line. of all the challenges i've been put through in my lifetime, infertility is truly the hardest one, because it feels like a brick wall. it feels like a blockade, and a weight on my chest, and a dirty little secret all in one, and that's a lot for a person to handle. it brings self-hatred, and anger, and guilt. it's confusing and frustrating and impossible to navigate on your own, which is why i'm writing this post just to get my feelings out. in the end, i remain hopeful that all our dreams will come true, and every seemingly-pointless scenario will come to life, but until then, i hope i can talk to others about it. i hope i can hear other people's stories, and their experiences, because i think that would be really nice. like i mentioned before, infertility is a very lonely thing, but it doesn't have to be. we have to recognise that so many couples go through it, so many people are feeling the same way we are, and there's no use in keeping silent. silence won't help anyone.
so if you guys have anything you want to add about this topic, please feel free to message me, or put it in the comments. let's help each other feel less alone. <3