Not Quite Poetry

Sometimes I have thoughts that resemble poetry I guess.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I love them platonically doesn't sound like enough.

I love them with late night texts and the promise of hugs and walking together to group plans and the offer of a spare room and early birthday presents and food check ins and shared pain and the kind of trust I've never given anyone else.

I don't love them with kisses and touch and desire but don't you dare think for one second that makes it any less real or powerful or important.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I don't want to be the one who's always there for everyone else

For once, I want to be looked after

I want to be helped

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

Taking ibuprofen with redbull on an empty stomach.

Is that poetry?

Or just self destruction?

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

Sometimes I pause

In the middle of the road

And I stare at the oncoming traffic

And I think

"Maybe they wouldn't stop"

And it's a hopeful kind of thought

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I know it can't rain forever but it can rain long enough for me to drown and I am losing the will to keep fighting to stay at the surface.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

The hardest thing is driving past your house and knowing you're not there.

Just one more reminder that I am that little bit more alone.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I miss knowing that I'm hearing the same fireworks as you.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I've never tried to end it all

But I know there have been days

Where if I had found myself at the top of a cliff

Someone else may have found me at the bottom.

I am alive

Not because of my desire to be

I think a part of me always wants to jump

But because of you.

You don't stop me from jumping

You stop me from walking the edge

So that when I jump

There's nowhere for me to fall.

You can't see the edge

You don't know when I'll fall

And sometimes neither do I

The edge always moves.

But when you see me take a step towards it

You take my hand

And guide me back

And sometimes the edge runs further away.

I think it's scared of you.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I am so tired of being sad.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

Tea fixes everything.

I promise you.

A cup of tea will make it better.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I want to scream.

I want to shout and cry and force out every bad thought in my head,

But you aren't here,

And I don't have a voice when you're not listening.

So I will let it rot inside of me,

And hope that you return before it consumes me completely.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I miss you.

I don't know what else to say.

I can't make it poetic or pretty.

I miss you and it's ugly and loud and unforgiving.

I just miss you.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

To stick to a schedule, not because someone is watching but to prove that you can.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

When you really need to talk to someone but you don't want to burden them with your problems so instead you text "hey, how are you?" And let them talk to you about everything on their mind because even if you're not okay at least they might be a little better now and you get to feel useful for a little while.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

You ever just notice that your phone battery is low and think "it's fine it can last a little longer" and then the next thing you know your screen reads 1% and you have to rush to a charger so that you don't lose what you're doing completely as it fades to black?

I think that's a good analogy for how we treat ourselves.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I had a bad day.

That's it.

That's all you get today.

[notquitepoetrybutsomethingclose]

I think I'm dying.

I'm not telling you so you can save me.

I'm telling you so you can hold my hand and make my dying breaths a little softer.