She's Chronic

Hi, I'm a chronically ill, chronic pain suffering, mentally ill WOC who loves to complain. I always feel like I'm not sick enough to complain so, I'm here to complain... and occasionally reblog stuff. This is also a diary so I can somewhat keep track of things.

[skunkes]

gnawing on the knowledge

[velnna]

pain pills, nice clothes

[mizuform]

[notsssickenough]

Can't poop AND wanna puke?

That's 💩constipation💩, baby.

[notsssickenough]

Update:

I threw up.

[notsssickenough]

Can't poop AND wanna puke?

That's 💩constipation💩, baby.

[notsssickenough]

I still can't believe I know what's wrong with me. And yes, wrong. This pain is not ok or normal, but it has a cause.

[notsssickenough]

A break thru of sorts.

I know what's wrong with me now.

Why I'm always in so much pain.

It's bittersweet.

A great relief that it's not all in my head.

A brick in my gut full of the knowledge that I will only get worse with age.

I will have to depend on medication even more.

But,

At least the medication works now that we know what to use.

At least my doctor believes me and is supportive.

At least it's real.

[notsssickenough]

I feel myself declining and even with the tests showing that I'm declining the doctors don't take me seriously. I have a new doctor starting Monday so we'll see if things change for the better.

[notsssickenough]

Doctor won't treat anything until I sleep better (CPAP) and get on antidepressants. Like damn, fuck me right? My therapist doesn't even think I'm that bad. Lol

Well I'm gonna try the first one because my therapist won't give me anything until I sleep better also. We'll see if anyone takes me seriously by the end of the year. I'm doubtful.

Also found a lump in my thyroid but it's not serious apparently.

[notsssickenough]

Had my first real panic attack last night.

I thought I knew what they were, but I guess I didn't. I still feel like shit and all my chronic pain is amplified today.

[notsssickenough]

When the pain meds have too many side effects you gotta go back to weed.

On the meds I was pain free, but felt like I was on a boat 24/7.

Off the med I can think again and I don't get sick from sitting still. However, my feet and legs are locking up worse and worse every night.

I didn't realize how good the meds were at keeping my pain away.

My knee almost gave out today too and that old pain returned.

[i-need-to-remake-my-blog]

the idea that people experiencing severe pain should be screaming, crying, flailing, and otherwise seeming to be in pain is largely unsupported by reality. is this a response that some people have to some kinds of pain? absolutely. should people who don't respond to pain in this way be dismissed or disbelieved? absolutely not.

ask anyone who deals with chronic pain. it would be exhausting to constantly project our pain in that way, and in some cases, it would make it worse. when i have a migraine, my voice becomes monotone and quiet, my movements slow down, and i don't emote much. this is my natural response to the pain, and doing helps me avoid making it worse.

i become that clip of captain holt saying, completely monotone with a deadpan delivery: "I am in... incredible pain." screaming, emoting, rapidly moving, even crying only make my pain worse. and when i'm experiencing a level of pain that would send abled people to the emergency room, the last thing i want to do is make it worse.

i shouldn't have to perform pain in order for you to believe me.

[notsssickenough]

How long did it take you to acclimate to Gabapentin? I'm having a hard time not dragging with it. I'm trying to up my dose per my doc and it does help, but I don't want to be a puddle in exchange for pain relief. At least not forever.

I eat edibles too when I'm going somewhere fun, but edibles aren't covered by insurance.

[notsssickenough]

The answer is ~3 weeks. For me at least.

[notsssickenough]

How long did it take you to acclimate to Gabapentin? I'm having a hard time not dragging with it. I'm trying to up my dose per my doc and it does help, but I don't want to be a puddle in exchange for pain relief. At least not forever.

I eat edibles too when I'm going somewhere fun, but edibles aren't covered by insurance.

[notsssickenough]

I feel like so much of this could've been avoided if my old doctor wasn't such a prick.

[notsssickenough]

This is honestly the worst timeline. I want a refund.

[notsssickenough]

Doctors: You're perfectly healthy despite your extensive medical history.

Me: mmk can we run some tests for my peace of mind?

Doctors: it won't show anything, but sure.

Tests: 10/15 🚩🚩🚩

Me: