My name is Charmaine Ng, and I'm fond of tech, words, and noodles. I'm also a total klutz who often takes things literally. Here, I write mostly about my professional path, but I'm working on diversifying.
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It’s enlightening to read all of the drafts that I never published on this blog; some were too personal, some too rambling. Apparently, one of them was my replay of last year. Pretty sure I ran out of time last year and felt it was too late to share. But I’m going to post one this year, in spite of my worsening memory, and highlight some of my learnings and experiences.
This year…
...I lost my team and gained a new one.
Over the course of a month, both of my peers quit. They had different reasons, but it was still a blow. Although one stayed on for an extra month and worked remotely, he was moving back home and didn’t take on too much of the load. I spent March in a daze, doing my best to answer ALL the tickets alone. Everyone who works in support has some hellish moment that they can point to — I think of my year as “before March” and “after March”.
Luckily, my boss at the time quickly brought in two candidates she had sourced, and they changed the game when they started. They took Product Ops to the next level, as my boss planned, and quickly blended into the seams of Lever’s culture. They gave me hope that we could still hire A players.
...I struggled a lot with supporting our support team.
At the same time that I lost my team, we were *finally* hiring for our Tier 1 Support team. The timing couldn’t have been worse. There was no one to build materials, documentation, structure, and a feedback loop. Product Ops spent the year answering the Support team’s questions every day, and still answering the many tickets that were escalated to our queue. It was frustrating and unsustainable. My biggest regret this year is not planning for the day when we’d hire support reps, and then not sounding the alarm immediately after the first cohort was hired.
We eventually hired a Support Manager who just couldn’t be better. He listened to me and my team from day one, built a feedback process, and relieved some of the stress we were experiencing. We still have a long way to go in terms of documenting tribal knowledge, but it WILL happen and our teams will continue to evolve!
...I moved back to SF and into our own studio.
Yes, I just moved to Berkeley last August…our roommates decided to move to Oakland, and I just didn’t love the place they picked. Plus, if you’re going to move, you might as well move closer to work ;) Our space may be small and overpriced, but we haven’t killed each other and yeah, I’m 10x happier being a city girl a bus ride away from anywhere I wanna go.
...I traveled to Joshua Tree and Paris.
My family and my brother’s friend road tripped to Palm Springs, so my dad could use the National Parks pass we bought for him last Christmas. I wasn’t that amazed by the trees, but loved the rock structures and it was a fun little trip. I genuinely like hanging out with my family.
Paris…oh, Paris…I was not physically prepared for how much walking we’d do. Paris was the first international trip for my boyfriend and I, and we realized how different we were in our traveling styles. I love packing in popular sights, whereas he wants to relax and do nothing. It was a trial, but we got through it. I didn’t fall in love with Paris, but I do think I’d like to give it another try someday.
...I gave yoga a chance.
On our trip to Palm Springs, I found out that my brother’s friend was a yoga fanatic. He talked soooo much about yoga that I felt moved to try out a class. I had never liked yoga for various reasons, but I finally understood why so many people practice it. I attribute this turnaround to finding Jenna, a beautifully in-touch and soulful instructor at Wheel House, which was already one of my favorite studios in the city. The first few times I went, she played just the best song during the end of the class when you lay on your mat, and it spoke directly to my heart. I felt open, receptive, like everyone could see everything in me.
I then discovered two amazing instructors on YouTube, and I haven’t found anyone better than them: Yoga with Kassandra and Allie at The Journey Junkie. I became totally dedicated to Allie in particular and joined her online Facebook group and her 21-day program. (Yeah, was I the last one to find out that there are veritable communities in online Facebook groups?? It’s an entire selling point of online wellness businesses!)
For many months, I had a love affair with yoga. At the time that it started in May, I had been feeling stifled, adrift, without purpose. Regularly practicing yoga gave me a sense of peace, allowed me to tune into my body and mind in different ways, and gradually gave me the kick in the pants to get on with my life.
...I flirted with becoming a health coach and yoga teacher.
In October, I volunteered at the soft opening of a women’s clubhouse called The Assembly. There is so much potential in this fitness/coworking/hangout space, and women so need a way to find our community in this city. I’m excited to keep volunteering and supporting their growth when they officially launch in January!
After checking out The Assembly, I came across the concept of a “health coach”. I thought it might be a stepping stone to opening my own wellness space in the future, and I enrolled in an online institute to become one. During the first month, I realized that I had just been searching for a way to progress towards *something*, anything. The program wasn’t for me. I was a bit ashamed of “quitting”, but my boyfriend reminded me that the act of enrolling in and leaving the program was a learning experience that I could fold into my plans for my future. (And I became good friends with my lab partner, who lives across the country!)
Of course, I fluttered onto the next thing and without much direction, I put a deposit into a yoga teacher training program. I loved yoga, so why wouldn’t I want to deepen my practice? I was also really interested in learning more than the physical poses — the philosophy and anatomy aspects are often overlooked.
A couple weeks after, I stumbled upon the Instagram accounts of teachers who proclaimed that the yoga profession needed to adapt, there were more ways to do the poses everyone teaches. Smarter ways to move our bodies. I started to question what I had been practicing. I knew I hadn’t been hurting my body, but was I doing everything that I could to support its future?
Annnnnd then I did hurt myself, trying to better my chatarunga pose at home. Now, that isn’t all yoga’s fault, it was also my ego thinking that I didn’t need modifications. But I didn’t feel the pain until afterwards, which scared me into realizing I wasn’t very strong at all. I’ve been doing strength training and “boring” but so-needed mobility workouts ever since. I’ve been feeling powerful and happy, and yes, now yoga feels too slow to me again. I’m sure I’ll find the balance someday.
GEEZ, this is one hell of a long post. I’m exhausted! There’s actually more I could write, which shows that I should probably blog more often. If I missed anything important, well…I’m sure they were documented in some way somewhere else. I guess a lot happened this year after all. Funny how the memory works.
Now, for next year…
My word for the year is “movement”. It could also be “progress”, but I am not married to any particular goal, I just don’t wanna sit around on my ass all year again.
I want new challenges and new responsibilities in my career. I want to feel like I’m experimenting, growing, and learning more about what satisfies me. I legit considered leaving tech this year, but all of the changes I’d been seeking? Well, turns out they just didn’t want to be rushed. They’re coming together right now, and some cool things are in the works. More to come next month ;)
I want to keep moving my body in different ways and progressively getting stronger and more mobile. I need to put more care into my health because hello, I’m getting older. In the same vein, I’d like to cook a little more often and try new ways to make my gut happier. I don’t talk about my IBS a lot, but for the first time in years, I’ve had a breakthrough, thanks to a probiotic. So fingers crossed I stay less bloated and more regular!
I want to seriously practice meditation and let go of a lotttttt of shit. I think I’d be a lot happier and more pleasant to work with, if my emotions didn’t control my reactions.
Goals will change and evolve, but my general intention for 2018 is to actively pursue life. I think that’s enough for one year :P
Two years ago today (8/17), I began my journey at Lever. Two years may not sound like a long time, but it’s ages in startup land and this is my first time making it to this point. So oblige me…
I originally joined Lever because a true Leveroo saw in me what I couldn’t see myself. She gave me the opportunity to work with the genuine, passionate, and customer-loving people that I craved. From that ramp camp, I still stand beside two of my favorite engineers, Emily and Réal – they exemplify why I joined Lever.
I'm still at Lever because people care about doing a damn good job – together. I also care about making the product better, and we are far from making that goal -- every day, there is a new fire. Sure, that sounds hectic and unhealthy, but it's what I thrive on.
Yes, we do have problems. I don't love working at Lever 100% or even 90% of the time, and I want to be real about that. We're scaling our team and our product, and we've made mishires and mistakes. It's frustrating. But every day, we try to get better.
---
It is the first night of our company off-site. (Of course we have a new shirt.) My highlight was watching our co-founding CEO and CPO sing their hearts out to “Empire State of Mind”, in front of a dancing crowd. Our founders (including our CTO) are all normal people. I have always loved that. But watching them do karaoke…I felt emotional. I finally felt what loyalty must feel like. They’re my leaders.
Lever has been good to me. I don’t really know what lies ahead for me, but I know we have a lot of challenges ahead of us. And boy, do I love a challenge.
{{Long post combining a few different updates ahead. As always, all opinions are my own.}}
I like being comfortable.
I like finding something I love and doing it over and over again. (How else can you reset hundreds of passwords for days on end? It was kinda fun, I swear!)
Which is why it’s funny that I work at a company where one of our core values is “don’t trust comfortable.”
Whenever I hear this value, I feel a prickle of shame. I abhor change. It reminds me that I have to consciously think about the life I’m pursuing, and my goodness, what’s wrong with the status quo?
But circumstances change.
—
Last November, I picked up watercolor painting. That extended into drawing using pencil and pens. I itched for a hobby that took me away from the screen, and it turned into a full-blown obsession. I am no artiste, but I’ve picked up a few things :)
When my family traveled to Vegas over the holidays and visited a couple of national parks, I kept seeing perspective and angles as if they were depicted in my sketchbook. It amazed me that my eye had actually shifted a little.
—
Last week, I purchased a couple of JavaScript Udemy courses. I am by NO means trying to become an engineer. I am trying to learn enough of the language syntax, so I can advance in my current product ops role and provide more value. With some help, I wrote my first Chrome console script last night, and I have never felt more powerful. (These scripts can be used for changing customer data, for example.)
Writing code…is not instinctual for me, but I can’t expect it to be. I need to explore different types of teaching, find more practical exercises, and chip away at it until my poor brain actually retains something.
—
A couple of weeks ago, I learned about the Women’s March in DC through an artist I follow on Instagram. She had created a pin design for Pincause that depicted the ASL symbol for love. The design’s garishness and imperfections both turned me off and grabbed me in; it felt very human.
(Image above posted and drawn by Penelope Dullaghan. $5; $1 goes to Planned Parenthood and $1 goes to the ACLU.)
The pin stuck with me. This past weekend, I admitted to my boyfriend that I was thinking of attending the Women’s March in SF. I was worried that I’d feel out of place because I’m not a “marcher,” political, angry, or informed.
He suggested that the best I could do was to embody the woman I wanted to be. It was a very casual remark, but he was right – if I wanted to have ownership over my impact, I could only start with myself.
Looking back on my decisions to pursue art and JavaScript, I had both support and motivation, but I’m the one who ultimately chose to spend hours and energy going after what I wanted. By doing those things, I demonstrated my power.
—
Several times during election coverage, I’d read an article that would stop me in my tracks. The two that I still recall:
Jezebel’s interview with a woman who had an abortion at 32 weeks. I don’t read Jezebel, but toss aside any opinions you may have about their content. It is purely an interview and the quotes will ruin you. The strength she showed during such a traumatizing experience…
Runner’s World, Running While Female. The quotes and stats gutted me. It doesn’t matter if you’ve ever done a 5K or prefer the couch – everywhere a woman goes alone, they feel that familiar fear.
These stories added up and made me feel deeply disturbed. Couple them with Trump’s outrageous remarks, past incidents, and intentions to rob women of access to reproductive health options – and it felt like it couldn't possibly get worse…
To be completely transparent, I’m generally apathetic about politics and activism. The language activists use doesn’t feel grounded to me – and some of my best friends are activists! (Luckily, they give me a free pass.)
So believe me when I say that I am NOT telling you to “rise up” and “embrace inclusivity” (okay, I made those phrases up). I am telling you that if you feel an urge to express yourself, do it. Don’t silence yourself. We have valid voices and thoughts, and we are worthy. Why are my posts always so long and use so many “I”s? Because at the end of the day, they’re for ME. And nobody else.
My voice says that:
I hurt for other women who hurt.
I am more than capable and competent.
I am tired of women being treated as lesser beings.
I am tired of men and white people being treated as villains.
I am tired of people making those who have lived comfortably feel like they don’t have a right to their feelings.
I am tired of people attacking each other, especially over the Internet.
I am the only one who gets to make decisions about my body.
I am sick of looking behind my shoulder and choosing where I live, go, and travel, based on how often I have to do that.
And that’s why I am choosing to march on January 21st.
Earlier, I mentioned my fear of not belonging at the march, but I think the event needs to represent people across the active <–> passive spectrum. I’m looking forward to sitting in my discomfort, discovering another way of expressing myself, and learning other people’s stories.
If the march doesn't speak to you, I encourage you to find your truth and share it in any way that you can. The world needs to hear your experiences and opinions. And when you make a choice about your future, you will flourish.
It's a funny feeling finding out that your college boyfriend is now engaged. The primal insecurities that you don't want to admit out loud: "I didn't get engaged first." "Is he happier now?" "Is she the same woman he talked about when he made moves on me last year?" Boy was that last moment a mistake, guys. In the day to day, I could care less about him. We've been broken up for three years now. But I've always enjoyed having the life he once wanted and felt like at least I had that over him. I had the money, the city, the going out late with friends. (Can you tell who did the breaking up?) == This post is not going to make me sound very pleasant or secure in myself, and that's okay because this blog is supposed to represent all angles. == I envy a lot in other people. I wish I had more quality friends; I wish I easily belonged in more groups. I wish for these things, yet I don't work for them. These kind of wishes hit hard during the holidays and especially increasingly at the office. When it comes down to it, I have a hard time not comparing my life to others'. It's one thing I hope to eradicate as the years go on. There was a time when I thought my ex and I would break up for our 20s and get back together. But we were never truly compatible. We were a lazy partnership, fueled by attraction and insecurity. I don't think that would've changed with time. I've found my match now with someone who's as ambitious as I am and is kinder than I am. No, he isn't perfect. He recently broke my trust pretty badly. But he earns my goodwill every day in little ways, and I've found that that's what counts. There isn't a real point to this post, but it feels apt for being 26. Life is in flux. We're all moving onto the next stage in our timelines. More babies, more marriages, more promotions. Shit's getting real. And if you're not developing in some way too, it may feel that you aren't growing. But to paraphrase a recent quote I read, everyone's on a different path. It isn't your time right now, but that doesn't mean you won't get to your destination.
1. Taking an unknown bus line through an underdeveloped part of town.
2. Watercoloring.
I find comfort in bustling areas, but so much of Berkeley is not that. Being on your own, it makes you anxious. You think, “I should’ve taken the uglier purse.” “I should’ve worn shoes I could run in.” These thoughts run through women’s minds every day.
I cobbled together this “flower” and felt pretty dang proud of how the colors flowed together and dried nicely. I intentionally left an empty gap and realized that it looked like a rough outline of the state of California. This is my safe space, and I know that we are particularly lucky in the Bay Area.
We may respond to the election in different ways and to varying degrees. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do. But right now, I have to take care of my own wanderings and I’m hoping watercoloring might teach me patience, calm, and discipline. Words will always be my outlet, but it’s nice to shut up every once and a while.
I’ve tried to write this post many times over the past week.
“I can do all these things now!” –> “Building out this role profile was really interesting.” –> “I’m so tired, I can’t function :’(”
The short of it is that I’m now leading the Product Ops team. Yay!
The long of it (that isn’t a phrase, but bear with me) is that I’m tired, anxious, stressed, frustrated, nervous, and tired again.
Some of it has to do with transitioning to leadership. I fear failure and feel uncomfortable with this new level of leadership and responsibility.
Some of it is has to do with our heavy workload. (Hey guys, we’re hiring!)
And some of it has to do with working with others – I may have Red in me (as we say at Lever), but I’m finding that colors are not the perfect way to describe people or acknowledge their needs.
I’m going to talk mostly about the last bit today.
I’ve been trying and failing to read this book about “collaborative intelligence.” It’s a business book, so it’s kind of convoluted but the gist is that we all have different ways of concentrating on a task, understanding/processing information, and dreaming up ideas. It suggests that team members don’t understand how to work with these differences, resulting in frustration when they can’t come together.
I’ve recently noticed that my ability to step up and contribute in meetings is sometimes hindered. While I cringe at the thought of leading my own meetings now, I do want to give people a safe and productive space.
I personally hate being shown a white board and told to “GO!!” This does not trigger my mind into action. I need time to consider and write down my thoughts, without someone standing in front of me. I also prefer to be given time to own and speak my piece.
I hope…
…we can grasp each other’s inherent strengths and weaknesses so well that no one ever feels held back and silenced.
…I can “amplify” others and move past feeling this great burden on my shoulders and insecurity in my heart.
…I can guide my team-mates down whatever path they want and make sure they feel heard, acknowledged, and respected along the way.
Endnote
My promotion was finalized last Friday, and people have been congratulating me all week. But I’ve been downplaying it and I even waited a whole WEEK to post about it publicly!
At first, I thought maybe I was maturing, but let’s not kid anyone – I love public recognition, and hell yeah, I earned this promotion.
However, I never work hard with the goal of being promoted. I don’t ever want my promotions and I have to be convinced it’s the right step. I even have to lie to myself a little, honestly.
So I’m kinda glad I waited to write this post because this week forced me to deal with discomfort and hang-ups. I had experiences that forced me to put the lead hat on and think deeper about what I want to do with this hat.
I felt happiest this week when I told my boss straight up that I was going to hold a meeting with the specialists and not invite other leaders. And he assured me I was doing the right thing.
Product Ops isn't my team. It’s our team, and I never want to make decisions without considering the opinions and feelings of other specialists. That ain’t my style.
Hit SIX months at #Lever today. I've been wanting this celebratory merino wool hoodie since I started, and of course now it's ☀️ as heck in SF. This is still perfect timing, though, since we're celebrating our Series B funding tonight! 💃🏻 #leveroos
The high is so high right now. And it’s difficult to picture the lows.
I keep thinking that I don’t remember feeling like this in college. I only have one frame of reference, and it wasn’t awful by any means, but compared to this, that was the stuff of amateurs.
What a difference being in your mid-20s makes, but what an even bigger difference being with someone this genuine, kind, and accepting makes.
Even if things were to go south, I’ve already learned so much. I’ve experienced cold hard nerves and hesitancy. I've fretted about opening up, surprised to find that I have a difficult time with vulnerability. I've received small, powerful acts of understanding and statements of appreciation.
Recently, I had been sensing a chink in my armor, a desire for more intimacy in my life. While I’ve always prided myself on being a “strong, independent woman” who didn’t need a guy to take care of her, I realized wanting to be in a relationship didn’t mean I had a tough time being single. Deep down, I’ve always just wanted someone to experience life with, someone who wouldn’t get tired of me (within reason).
I think I’ve found that someone.
The relationship is so fresh and new that people may scoff and laugh. I might look back on this post and regret putting pen to digital paper. But I can’t help myself and I don’t want to help myself.
I want to know I’m giving my life my all. If I’m going to dive into sharing myself with someone, I’m not going to half-ass it. Life isn’t going to wait for me to catch up.
I made this happen, and I’m going to keep pursuing my own happiness. Because nothing is worth more in life.
This feeling, this state of being, this makes it all worth it.
(Disclaimer: This blog is slowly becoming a love letter to Lever. I am not ashamed.)
Vancouver was a trip and a half. My inner “red” came out, and I learned that traveling with six very different people is incredibly trying and unpredictable.
I came into the office yesterday breathing a tremendous sigh of relief. I was still catching up on sleep and not exactly in a “IT’S 2016, GUYS, LET’S GO” mood. But I was still happy to be back in my element and routine (well, as much of a routine as you can have while working support).
Today, I was a bit more on my game. We were kicking off 2016, and everyone was in high spirits, decked out in #grayongray and black.
(Photo: Jen Kim)
We covered the usual in our kickoff: highlights of Q4 2015, big sales deals. But the bigger story was how Lever got to 2015 and what 2016 means for us.
Aside from continuing to double in size (headcount, customers, bookings, everything!), this is the year we show our prospects why we’re the best solution on the market and validate customers who’ve taken a leap of faith on us. This is the year we make big shit happen and stop giving people any reason to doubt us.
As we neared the close, our CEO Sarah threw it back to last August’s retreat. I’d almost forgotten that we gave awards at the end of that week. It was only my second week at Lever, and I still barely knew any of the winners. I knew that Zeus was the guy who poured his heart out on the first night about doing everything in his power to level everyone up -- he had won the Panda Spirit Award. I knew Réal from my onboarding class. He had started a few weeks before I did, but already acted like a pro -- he was a shoo-in for the Veteran Award, given to new Leveroos who fit right in.
Apparently, we had decided to institutionalize these awards and make them a bi-annual tradition.
Well, lo and behold, I won the Panda Spirit Award!
The Panda Spirit Award is for someone who embodies the Leveroo, well, spirit -- someone who’s cross-functional and walks across the aisle.
When I got up there, though, Sarah had more specific praise for me...most of which I honestly don’t remember. (I think I blacked out from embarrassment. What am I supposed to do with my face as you tell me how awesome I am?!)
But I will say that being recognized for representing our customers, elevating the product ops team, and having a strong Slack GIF game says a lot about what we value at Lever.
My best friend congratulated me, telling me that my long hours had paid off -- but he had it all wrong.
The way I see it, we’ve chosen to appreciate the traits people exemplify, as they work to make Lever a high-quality product and the experience of working at Lever a cohesive one.
I like to think that today, I was recognized for being me.
And holy crap, that is one powerful gift.
Thank YOU, Lever and Leveroos. You see me. You get me. Very few of you know what I’m like outside of work, but that doesn’t seem to matter. You still think I deserve this award. You still support me because you speak my language.
I feel like I've lived two completely different lives this year. It’s true!
So I thought I’d try a new format and recap each month of 2015. This post is really lengthy and self-serving, but if you want to read my ramblings about this year’s significant experiences...
WELL, LET’S GO!
January
Last December, I scrapped my first legit out-of-college job and started fresh. For the entire month of January, I was beyond lucky enough to train in my new job at Redbooth’s office in Barcelona. I really appreciated the opportunity to lead a routine life in another country and not be a complete tourist. While it feels like a lifetime ago, I’ve learned that each moment spent out of your comfort zone, peeking into another culture, will inform the rest of your life.
And I discovered how much I really love burgers. Just like noodles, burgers have become my thing.
February
I started working in Redbooth’s Redwood City office and learned how difficult it is to nail a 1.5-hour one-way commute and three modes of transportation -- BUT I DID IT. (For the record, the most efficient way to get from the Outer Sunset to the Peninsula is the 28 --> L --> 30 or 45 --> Caltrain OR 28 --> Daly City BART --> Millbrae Caltrain.)
March
I traveled through China for two weeks with my parents and at times my mom’s dad to visit their hometowns, my grandparents’ hometowns, and the island where my dad farmed during the Cultural Revolution. It was an unforgettable experience. To see the villages that still exist...it rips you out of your city living. If you get the chance -- no matter where your parents and grandparents grew up -- do it. And do it with them, preferably before they’re too old to join you.
April
I was reeling from some downsides of my trip. Traveling for that long in close proximity with people can make you go crazy. I say I was my worst self in China (someone who was anxious, judgmental, angry, and snippy), and it haunted me back in America. I couldn’t pinpoint why I felt lost, and that was almost worse than anything.
Sitting in Peter’s car in front of my house, I slowly opened up about my distraught state. As a “caretaker,” I’m not that great at caring for myself, and admitting to struggles I couldn’t even understand was extremely difficult for me. Our heart-to-heart gave me some guidance and motivation to liven up my life. I wrote about this more honestly than I remember doing here.
So! I joined ClassPass. I hadn’t had much time to run and I wanted to do something more convenient. It changed my life, no joke. I always felt too embarrassed to exercise around other people, but that was part of the challenge! TRX scares the shit out of you? Try doing it with 10 other people who all look incredibly confident.
Exercising is now part of my lifestyle and identity. Aside from being in much better shape, I've gained a better sense of self and trust of my body’s abilities.
May
Ran Bay to Breakers (12K) for the first time, with Peter and Stanley. It really is a trip. Even when you’re seriously running, it feels like a party because residents come out and throw dance parties on the sidewalks and roofs!
June
Spent way too much money on unfinished Udemy courses and participated in a weekend-long UX design bootcamp. I was beginning to feel stifled and bored in my support role and concerned that I needed more skills to have a larger impact. Learning basic UX skills like researching and prototyping was enjoyable, but ultimately wasn’t the path I found the most exciting.
July-August
Read The Defining Decade, which gave me a swift kick in the pants to pursue my life again. So I tried reallllly hard to give guys and dating apps a chance. I went on several dates (even a second date for the first time!), groaned and moaned, was ghosted, and eventually called it quits. Hey, it was a solid two-month attempt after two-to-three years.
In the middle of this spree, I was approached by someone at Lever. I was laying on my couch feeling miserable with a cold when my phone buzzed with a LinkedIn push notification. I knew it was a recruiter, but what I didn’t expect was the additional personalized email. It felt like the world was giving me a gift that night. “Here is the answer to all of your problems.”
You know when your gut just knows? I experienced that. It wasn’t easy leaving behind Redbooth after only seven months, especially because they took a chance on me, sent me to Barcelona, and paid me handsomely. I must’ve appeared ungrateful, but I just wasn’t reaching my fullest potential.
I explained this much better back in August.
August
Ran the Giant Race, my first HALF MARATHON. My love of running didn't prevail this year, but that's okay. I still hit this milestone with my brother, his girlfriend, and one of my good friends -- all marathon n00bs. And we finished on the field of AT&T Park! No better way to end a race for sure.
Started on at Lever and immediately knew that things were going to be different. In my second week, we went on a retreat and, on our first night, shared how we could reach our fullest potential and bring change to Lever. People were so ridiculously authentic, I almost laughed at the campfire corniness because I didn’t know those people like I know them now, and the realness made me feel out of place. I couldn’t understand how people could be so dedicated to their work. Little did I know...
September
In a random Crunch locker room, I weighed 110 pounds. I don't pay too much attention to this number, but 110 is something I've been loosely aiming for ever since college. So it was a pleasant surprise to finally get down to an even number, even if it's meaningless and I haven’t held onto it.
October
Ran my fastest mile ever (9:55) in my second 10K, the Run 10 Feed 10 over the Golden Gate Bridge.
Oh, and I turned 25. LOL. Yeah, that happened.
November
Second stop on my Great American City Tour: Chicago. I’d been hearing great things. I was slightly disappointed because there are stretches of underdevelopment and quiet, but they do have the best science/industry/tech museum and public transit that actually comes EARLY. I still have to go back to tour Wrigley Field.
Stressed out a lot over work. Polish Party was difficult and stressful to pull off. We were rewarded with quick bug fixes and small improvements, but I could’ve done without the party planner aspects of organizing and hosting the festivities.
December
I continued working too much. I reached a boiling point and had to step back. Nobody was making me work that many hours, but our workload can easily become severely imbalanced due to strained bandwidth and unpredictable ticket flow, and I have a hard time getting everything I want to do while in the office. But given free reign at home, I’ll just work and work.
It’s hard to balance my workaholic tendencies with my desire to, you know, do things other than work. My weekends feel so removed from my weekdays that I know I’m quickly losing track of time and not living mindfully. I hope to aggressively combat this imbalance next year.
On the upside, work has been incredibly validating. I have plenty of tickets, people value and listen to my opinions, engineers fix bugs I poke them about. There’s a lot of work to be done, but I love it all. (Why else would I stare at JIRA for five hours?!) And more recently, I’ve been slowly strengthening some friendships and becoming more comfortable around people. I’m trying!
And people have been generous with their praise -- I love that people make a point of openly appreciating each other at Lever. At Thanksgiving, I was genuinely bowled over by how fucking awesome our engineers are. I’ve never worked with engineers who are empowered to be so thoughtful and customer-centric.
A while back, someone asked me how Lever was going.
I paused and thought aloud, “I don’t remember what my life was like before this.”
Peter interjected, “I remember. You were unhappy as hell.” (...paraphrasing. He probably cursed more than I would write here.)
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Outside of my work, I’ve grown closer to my friends. Stanley moved down to the East Bay in the spring and has become my buddy in crime. Peter started dating a wonderful girl, and our group has expanded. I’ve been trying to live up to my youth and I’m getting there in my own way. That’s why I’m posting this early -- I’m spending the end of the year with six other people in a minivan haha.
My friends make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. I rarely get that deeply wound feeling from anything else anymore. For the longest time, I don’t remember laughing very much. Now I try to smile, chuckle, and chortle freely.
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I’ve been working on this post over the course of several days, trying to get this up before I leave for Vancouver. Ruminating on the past year, I see now that I had a pretty eventful one. It was pretty rocky, but better than being bored and depressed, right?! This is what I asked for! I had internal and external drama, I had it all (except not nearly enough television).
I’m thankful for all of it. Working at Redbooth for 8 months and Lever for 4...from month to month, my life was dramatically different. I’m happy to be ending the year on a positive note, hopeful and looking forward to a clean slate.
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And ya can’t forget the resolutions:
Target one of my worst habits: emotionally eating and snacking out of boredom. Somewhat related: hone in on the causes of my digestive issues. It's really stressful thinking about what you can't eat, being afraid to eat, and not enjoying what you're eating. I’m finally sucking it up and seeing an allergist next month.
Keep on killing it at work, but try my hardest to avoid my workaholic tendencies.
Visit more places, except my travel buddy is moving to Europe. Hmmmm...
Run another half marathon. Do an obstacle race. Attend 100+ classes.
Find someone to give a real shot.
Expand my boundaries: make new friends! Explore different spaces! Don't avoid places because I don't think I’m cool enough.
With the 😂 keychain I stumbled upon at Walgreens last night, my USB Christmas tree is complete! It's become my fave emoji because my coworkers are so funny. Our aisle was a little delayed in decorating, but I think Product wins for personalization 😁 #merrychristmas #happyholidays #holidaze #leveroos
Every Meeting Monday, we pass on the panda as an expression of kudos. This week, I received my first panda, and it was from the sales team, no less! I was really surprised because I'd always expected my first panda to come from someone I worked closer with.
I was thanked for helping Polish Party run smoothly. Polish Party is our quarterly one- to two-week break to pause on major feature development and focus on the little things that bother our customers and therefore the product team. It's an endeavor primarily for engineering and product, but we share updates company wide. I wasn't sure how much other people really cared, other than showing support in Slack after each Polish Party release -- until I got that panda.
The phrase "cross-functional empathy," or "XFE," is thrown about on the Lever floor often. But it’s more than a buzzword; it’s how we function and I’m so grateful for it. When you work several late nights in a week, it’s nice to think back on the panda-pat on the back.
This Thanksgiving, I’m very tired but my heart is full. Joining Lever has transformed my life satisfaction, and I’m thankful to have eventually found my way back to the hustle and grind.
Tonight I hit a record 12 straight weeks of classes (WOOT @classpass ❤️). In the middle of #TRX, I thought of @womenshealthmag's #GuiltFreeFitness post. It isn't about earning a free pass at the office potluck tomorrow. It's about leveling up and conquering your fears (TRX was once mine). Lord if it isn't easy. Sometimes I'm not feeling 💯, sometimes I'm 🤕. I still don't eat well most of the time 🍪 But I'm trying to do what I can to better myself. It's amazing how you can continue surprising yourself, if you put your mind to it. #okimdone #whohaveibecome #sorryguys
A day, night, and birthday well spent. From coworkers to acquaintances to old & close friends, I felt the 💖 from lots of people today. Here's to another year of laughter and burgers #25begins #theyearoftheburger #HappyHalloween (at Kowloon Tong Dessert Cafe)
