Now That's What I Call Losing!

I play in a fantasy football league with my friends from college. My group of mostly-lovable players earned me a last place finish, and here comes my punishment. "IDEA: NOW that's what I call losing: Loser must start a blog dedicated to the NOW music collections. They must listen to a different NOW CD every week for a year, write a short review, and create a definitive power ranking of best NOW CDs. They must also engage any and all commentors [sic] on the blog." - Ben

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 10

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 10

Release Date: July 23, 2002

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.20/10

The Good: 

This album is interesting in that it is just one generally large swath of mediocrity. There are a couple of standouts in this otherwise unremarkable beige hillock of music, but they seem to be overshadowed by just how unmemorable this album is. 

For example, check out the video of Vanessa Carlton mowing down pedestrians in her famous 2002 music video! It’s a bit different than I remember, but I guess that’s what time does to your memories. 

Also you guys! Anyone around here remember Paulina Rubio? No? Just me? Because this song is a bop. It’s got a warm embrace of distant background noise nostalgia. Take a look.

And I can’t finish the goods without mentioning the one time that Nickelback was universally beloved. The album that has “How You Remind Me” as of 2014 has sold over 10,000,000 copies worldwide and went quintuple platinum in the US. That’s fuck you success right there. And weirdly it was released on 9/11/2001. Not sure what to make of that, but I’d figure I’ll just float that tidbit out there. Here’s that video. 

The Bad: 

I can’t even with it. The bad is unmemorable, and by the time I finished listening to the album, I have actually nothing to say about it. 

Potpourri: 

That Baha Men sophomore slump of a follow-up single is ROUGH. But not terrible to listen to. It’s just unadulterated bad, easy listening. 

Takeaways: This is not a good album. I had low expectations when browsing the tracklist before the listen, and somehow it has managed to fall short of those. There are also good songs. I don’t know. I have sixty more of these and they are getting worse fast. 

NEXT IS NOW 11 WOOOOOOOOO

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 6 (6.89/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 9 (6.65/10)

Now 7 (6.63/10) (Mitch score = 6.26/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

Now 10 (6.20/10)

Now 8 (6.10/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 9

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 9

Release Date: March 19, 2002

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.65/10

The Good: Seventeen songs out of the twenty on this album are actually good. This, despite its less than amazing score, was a breath of fresh air. We’ll get into my grievances in a bit. 

There are three highlights I want to touch on:

1) Mary J. Blige - FAMILY AFFAIR - instant classic

2) Shakira! “Wherever, Whenever” is added to the short list of songs earning a 10. I don’t need to say anything else about it, I’ll let the video do the explaining. 

Also fun fact about Shakira - she’s the reason I was able to see the Chiefs play the Rams in LA last season! She threw such a good concert at Estadio Azteca that the fans danced too hard and ruined the field. Bless.

3) “Raise Up” - Petey Pablo. 

“Who am I? PETEY PAB MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Brb I’m going to go take my shirt off, whip it round my head and wave it like a helicopter. 

Also hey Ludacris! Welcome to the Now albums! Looking forward to seeing you appear more. 

The Bad: 

There are three songs on an otherwise great album that prove to be real turds in the punch bowl. I don’t want to write anything or think anymore about them. 

Potpourri: I gotta give mention to the U2 song associated with every failed field goal kick ever. Poor Billy Cundiff. 

Takeaways: Now 9 is overall an objectively good album that suffers from a case of a few bad apples spoiling the bunch. If the three aforementioned songs that scored 3 points ceased to exist on the album, Now 9 would score a 7.29/10, encroaching on what is seemingly more untouchable Now 4 territory. Absolute shame. 

Despite this, the album is currently tied in 4th with Now 1, so that’s impressive nonetheless. 

NEXT IS NOW 10 WOOOOOOOOO

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 6 (6.89/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 9 (6.65/10)

Now 7 (6.63/10) (Mitch score = 6.26/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

Now 8 (6.10/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 8

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 8

Release Date: November 20, 2001

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.10/10

The Good: The album starts with “Bootylicious,” and then it gets so much worse. “Bootylicious” holds a special place in my heart - I fondly recall it playing at my 5th grade graduation party (which happened 5 months before this album released) - a time when i was at the personal zenith of popularity among my peers. Elementary school was a time when coolness could be measured by how quickly you could knock out multiplication tables or run a mile, and like school life after fifth grade, the rest of this album gets so so much worse. 

Other highlights include Sum 41′s “Fat Lip.” Still holds up. 

The Bad: The rest of the album is just so so mediocre. The album ends with songs nobody asked for from Fuel, 3 Doors Down (reminder that they played at Trump’s inauguration) and U2. 

On May 7, 2001, Sum 41 released their debut studio album, All Killer No Filler. The rest of Now 4 outside of Destiny’s Child, Janet Jackson, and our favorite early 2000s Canadian punk rockers may as well be called All Filler No Killer. 

Potpourri: I don’t condone this song at all, but if you want a small dose of early 2000s high school angst-talgia, then check out Jive Jones’ “Me, Myself and I.” Definitely a fun time. 

Takeaways: This might be the lowest scoring album thus far, so even things that lead off with a huge win like Destiny’s Child can certainly peter out to be a total dud - much like my last fantasy season. 

#bringbackdestiny’schild  #i’mreadyforthisjelly #it’sbeen18yearsbringbackthejelly #ohheystevienicks

NEXT IS NOW 9 WOOOOOOOOO

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 6 (6.89/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 7 (6.63/10) (Mitch score = 6.26/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

Now 8 (6.10/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 7

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 7

Release Date: July 31, 2001

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.63/10

The Good: 

Hey guys! [Name redacted] here! Just getting ready for a regular routine post about early 2000s music and how depressing this is and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT’S GOING ON

IT’S A GUEST POST FROM OUR PAL MITCH! Take it away.

Hi everyone, Mitch Kiper here. When I'm not reviewing fake football teams with voodoo math, I take breaks to join my pal [name redacted] on road trips and listen to Now compilation albums.

Now 7 was experienced months ago, on a trip down to the famous, known-by-all Santa Ana Observatory. The reason you're only hearing about it now is because [name redacted] fancies himself a bit of a Gandalf who can ride in whenever he damn pleases. But we all know this scrubs-wearing scrub is a Radagast at best. Amirite?!  

*Plays custom crickets rap air horn*

Anyways, we listened to Now 7 on the way to Santa Ana to see the Lonely Island in concert, and while nothing can match the musical stylings of Jack Sparrow, not to mention the opportunity to sing it in a crowd and not be judged, NOW 7 was pretty dang good. My ratings are as follows:

1. Survivor - 8

2. All for You - 7

3. Baby Come on Over - 7

4. In My Pocket - 6

5. Play - 5

6. The Call - 10

7. Playas Gon' Play - 5

8. Ride Wit Me - 8

9. Danger - 6

10. Fiesta - 4

11. Let Me Blow Your Mind - 6

12. What Would You Do? - 8

13. Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know - 3

14. This I Promise You - 7

15. Never Had a Dream Come True - 7

16. Hanging By A Moment - 4

17. Jaded - 5

18. From My Head to My Heart - 5

19. Flavor of the Weak - 8

These total to a starter %ile of 76%, a Bench % ile of 69 (nice), a RosScore of π^i and a Grade of B+. Well done Now 7. And thank you, [name redacted], for this invigorating guest post opportunity.

Mitch Average Score: 6.26/10

The Good (cont’d): Special thanks Mitch for the input. My other follower is going to go bananas when he sees this. 

These albums are all starting to blend together. And no, it doesn’t help that I’m taking my damn time going through these. 

High points include “Survivor,” “All for You,” the delectable bhangra-sploitation of Mandy Moore’s “In My Pocket,” and “The Call” - arguably the single greatest BSB song/video combination ever. Please check out the video, I’ll place it below. Despite coming out in 2001, the lyrics “my battery is low, so you know, we’re going to a place nearby, gotta go” remain to ring true to date in the high pressure world of dating while being an internationally renowned boyband and not sleeping with literally everyone. 

^Directed by Francis Lawrence - absolute fucking legend of a video. WATCH IT

The Bad: The album doesn’t seem to peter out quite as badly as others, unless you’re Mitch in which case it DEFINITELY did that. I for one was particularly offended by Britney Spears’ “Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know,” but it’s one of those songs that’s just so meandering and pointless that I have nothing quippy or interesting to say about it. I will post no link to it, she is awarded no points, and may god have mercy on her soul. 

Potpourri: FUCKING MYSTIKAL. DANGER! 

Song’s a red hot banger. Does it drag out about 2 minutes longer than it needs to be? Yes. Is it still culturally relevant? Just ask John Oliver or Carlos Danger. 

Guy made his rap career yelling random things. Whether it’s shake yo ass (or “shake it fast” depending on who had cool parents or not) or DANGER(!), this song will stand all tests of time. 

Takeaways: Eh it’s fine. There are good songs and okay songs and one bad song. This is hard. 

NEXT IS NOW 8 WOOOOOOOOO

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 6 (6.89/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 7 (6.63/10) (Mitch score = 6.26/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 6

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

–

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 6

Release Date: April 3, 2001

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.89/10

The Good: Excluding 3LW and R. Kelly, the first half of this album is among the strongest streaks of songs we’ve seen so far on these compilations. It’s an objective Now 4-esque level pop excellence that is in no way shaped or shaded by my own nostalgia or life experiences. 

Now 6 leads off with critical-mass Britney Spears, just over 2 years out from the harbingerous 2003 VMAs kiss with Madonna. It moves into peak NSYNC, peruses along through JLo and Shaggy and ends with two of the greatest middle school slow dance songs man has created. 

The Bad: The problem here is, nothing is particularly bad about this album. The only song earning a less than neutral score this time around is 3LW’s “No More (Baby I’ma Do Right),” which answers the question my future kids will one day ask me, “when did the golden age of female pop groups end?” 

The rest of the album is otherwise just... fine. Fuel’s white guy angst, Creed’s Jesus angst, Incubus’s attempt at a song that douchebags at parties can play on an acoustic guitar (no disrespect here, the rest of their catalog is so so much better), and U2′s last big single you could illegally download before the band started violating your iTunes round out the album. Everclear’s “AM Radio” is a jam though, and an even more fun time-traveley deep-fakey video to watch! Take a look. 

Potpourri: The album series does continue to pit NYSNC and Backstreet Boys against one another. I don’t really have more to say about that, except for the fact that if ramen-headed Justin Timberlake and gang think that they can take down Brian, Nick, Kevin, AJ and Howie then they’ve got another thing coming. 

Takeaways: It’s a very strong album, in fact second in the power rankings so far! Like almost all others so far, it’s exceptionally front-loaded, which left me feeling slightly jipped by the time Everclear was finished, but then the playlist recycled, Britney came back on, and all was right with the world. 

Now 4 remains top dog at this time, a whole 0.83 points above Now 6. Will it be toppled? Shit if I know. 

Now 7 next!  

AND GET STOKED BECAUSE I’LL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A SURPRISE GUEST REVIEWER. Whaaaaaat

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 6 (6.89/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 5

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

–

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 5

Release Date: November 14, 2000

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.58/10

The Good: Fun fact - this is the first Now Album to go quadruple platinum, and it debuted on the Billboard 200 at #2, where it was second only to Limp Bizkit’s “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.” 

Not sure why that image was necessary, but the point I’m trying to get at above is the fact that this is the highest selling (non-Christmas, U.S. released) Now complication to date, only to lose in the charts to Limp Bizkit. Really puts things in perspective. Life before Napster was a weird place. 

Anyway - this is a pretty solid album. This album really keeps the listeners on their toes on this one, interspersing some prime 2000 music with some very real duds (looking at you 3 Doors Down). 

The album opens with NSYNCs “It’s Gonna Be Me,” hurdles Nick Lachey’s mediocre attempt at Spanish, and goes to a primo Destiny’s Child banger “Jumpin’, Jumpin.” Also - coming through strong is a song that even I forgot about, the positively fun “Don’t Think I’m Not” by Kandi! It’s positively delightful!

John Mellencamp owes Jessica Simpson some thanks after her song “I Think I’m in Love with You” uses the guitar riff from the famous dumpster fire that is “Jack and Diane” and uses it in a song that doesn’t totally suck. 

Honestly, there are a lot of pretty great songs on here, and since I don’t want to load you down with all of the videos in what I’m assuming is just a lazy ploy for me to write less on this blog, I’ll just include one music video more under this section. And it’s Mystikal because he’s just the tops. Honestly, these mumble-mouthed Soundcloud rappers are nothing compared to a guy who just yells “Shake ya ass... but watch yourself!” I guess it’s both misogynistic and courteous of him, and it’s an exploration in the format of rap on the importance of self-awareness and being cognizant of how one portrays him/herself in the days of a very young internet.

I’ll wrap up the good on the back nine of the album, with Backstreet Boys’ second best ballad “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” (behind the upcoming “Shape of My Heart” obviously), another Janet Jackson hit, a solid Everclear song and Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life.” Ah fuck I love this video also here you go. Give it a watch. 

The Bad: Three major duds to report here.

1) “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” - Aaron Carter. Sure it’s fun when it comes on in a party, but have you really listened to all 3:25 minutes of it? Have you?! For those who haven’t, his parents come home and he gets grounded. His punishment is continuing to live in the shadow of Nick Carter. Poor lil’ guy. 

2) “Incomplete” - Sisqó. This song that isn’t the “Thong Song” by “Thong Song” singer Sisqó talks about how all of his success in the world is nothing if he’s without [insert woman’s name here]. Well maybe she’s probably pissed at him for him yelling at all of the women in 1999 to show him their thongs. That’s just science.

3) “Kryptonite” - 3 Doors Down. Remember the time that Trump had to settle for this band to play his inauguration because literally nobody else would play it? Do the members of the band still call him Superman?

Potpourri: This album has probably some of the best music videos attached. The pre-Napster, pre-Youtube era of MTV allowed artists to spend millions on videos, and for that it’s been a fun album to go through. 

Takeaways: Some very high highs, a couple of very low lows. I really can’t say for sure why this album outperformed every other Now in this list by millions of album sales, but that’s not my job to figure out. Definitely a fun time though, and it wasn’t front loaded! The Now people retroactively heard my whining! 

Now 4 continues to reign supreme, and it may hang out there for quite a bit of time. Stay tuned. 

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 5 (6.58/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

Next up is Now 6! 

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album.

–

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Release Date: July 18, 2000

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 7.72/10

The Good: I checked the math three times. I re-listened to Joe and Savage Garden - are those really deserving of scores of 7/10? They really are. This album is really that good, and it’s not fair.

This album is the Harlem Globetrotters pitted against 69 different iterations of the Washington Generals in its competition against the other Now compilations. This album is that kid who hit his growth spurt really fast in elementary school and just posterizes the other kids in the fifth grade on those 7 foot hoops. 

The album’s first 6 songs average to a composite score of 8.5, and it basically holds up from there. You start off with peak BSB, going into peak (pre-2009 still, we’re 10 years away) Britney Spears, then segue into Mandy Moore’s best song with a quick jump to Italy to remember the time Eiffel 65 earned squatters’ rights on the radio with its release of a catchy song that made absolutely no sense. America briefly became a mere extension of Europop. 

I don’t care for listicles. I know I’m shaping up to make a very, very long one over the course of this blog, but it’s certainly against my will. The below link is an exception, and it’s from Buzzfeed. Since this album came out in 2000, a lot of the songs are from 1999, which was a damn formidable year in music that for all intents and purposes has not been matched since. Take a look. It was a time.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/why-1999-was-the-greatest-year-in-music-history

Anyway, the album continues with Sonique, who I honestly write a few paragraphs on alone. She’s a dance club and LGBTQ icon who landed on Now 4 with her most commercially successful hit, in a song/video that has aged so very well.

The album continues on, playing the late Aaliyah’s “Try Again,” and then going into the third perfect 10/10 song I’ve given so far in this endeavor. No introduction necessary.

And the hits keep coming. 

Full disclosure: I bought this album when it came out in July 2000, and then in November 2000 when Now 5 (which oddly sold 2 million more copies than Now 4) came out, I put Now 4 away for about 11 years. It resurfaced on a bus trip from Chicago to South Bend, Indiana, supplemented by a challenge for my friends and me to kill a handle of Jack Daniels before crossing state lines. If some form of a blackout weren’t concurrently existing with said experience, I would say that there was some sort of nostalgia score boost for Now 4 when I rated these songs, but there was and there isn’t, so there. 

Now 4 wraps up with Train, Macy Gray, the second best Hanson song (gun to my head I can only name this and MMMbop - but give it a listen, it’s totally fine!), and Blink 182. Tell me this album isn’t fantastic. I dare you. I double dare you motherfucker. 

And here’s Macy Gray. I wrote far more than I ever want to write about a Now album at this point, and she can sing me out. Fucking legend. 

The Bad: Things can only get worse from here. I used some positive analogies in The Good, but quite frankly, I don’t know if this album is going to be topped by any of the next 66 I have to listen to. I turn 30 in 4 months, and in the distant future when I look back on my life, my child sitting on my knee while I laze in a rocking chair, he’ll/she’ll ask “Jordan, what did you do during the final months of your 20s?” And even though I still won’t be totally unfazed by the fact that my Labrador learned English, I’ll have to tell the poor dog that I reached the musical mountain top of 1999, only to listen to 20 more years of fucking mediocrity. I’m at the zenith of a rollercoaster. If Now were a guy, he would have peaked in preschool. Sure he’ll keep friends through his teens and maybe into his twenties based on nostalgia alone, but he’ll surely die alone LISTENING TO FUCKING POST MALONE (featured as the opening track on Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 68). This can’t end well, and I’m sad that the best has come and gone so soon. 

Potpourri: The Montell Jordan song isn’t that great so there’s that. 

Takeaways: I play it off but I’m dreaming of you, I’ll keep my cool, but I’m feeling - I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble, though I try to hide it, it’s clear, my world crumbles when you are not near. These are original words that I wrote after listening to this album. Don’t ask me where I got them from, I’m inspired. 

Next up is Now 5. The world is a cruel dark place.  

Current Power Rankings:

Now 4 (7.72/10)

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 3

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (by rating each song on a scale of 1-10/10), and (at the end of this descent into madness) create my definitive power ranking of each album. 

–

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 3

Release Date: 12/7/1999

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.22/10

The Good: I sound like a broken record at this point, but these albums are so spectacularly frontloaded, which makes for very easy listening right off the bat. The album starts off with “All Star,” the song if the lyrics you don’t have permanently etched into your limbic system at this point you may actually not be from this planet. Continue through classics by Enrique Iglesias, Blink-182, and pre-2009 Britney Spears and we’re off to a great start. So far so good! 

And then who’s this skulking down the street like a chump (heyyyyy) like a chump (heyyyyy) like a chump (heyyyyy) like a chump (heyyyyy)?

It’s Fred Durst and his band complete with the creepy guy with the black contact lenses. Remember that guy haunting your dreams? Wait just me? Okay nevermind.

And then another strong showing from Garbage. Shirley Manson is a national treasure. Anyway, things are going great so far. 

The Bad: Then I was in physical pain for the majority of tracks 11-17. It was this cavalcade of garbage R&B, including R. Kelly’s ode to hindsight “If I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time,” which REALLY hasn’t aged well. Here, take a look.

(that skit came out in 2003 btw)

The only light spot here is BUoS’s “Hey Leonardo,” which is just a really fun time all around. Good warm nostalgia fuzzies there.

Other lowlights include Chanté Moore’s “Chanté’s Got a Man,” which is a 4 and a half minute answer to the question “will you cheat on your man with me?” To save you the time, the answer is no, and there is liberal and offensive use of the third person. In fact, the first time she uses the first person in the song, she says plainly “I gotta go home and make him some dinner,” but instead of doing just that, she sings for 4 minutes and 8 seconds more. 

Potpourri: The album does end with Fastball’s “Out of My Head,” which is the second (and I’m pretty sure last) of their pretty excellent songs featured in the compilations thus far. So at least it didn’t end on an ode to sunscreen, so that’s a positive?

Takeaways: This is objectively the worst one so far, but to be fair it’s against some fairly stiff competition. That being said, if you were super last minute looking for a CD at Tower Records to play on your boombox at your 58th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor Day party, this is a fair choice. Just please stop the album at track 10, then selectively listen to 14, 18 and then feel free to eject said compact disc and put Now 2 in. Or wait until Now 4 comes out because that’s going to be LIIIIT.

Current Power Rankings:

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Now 3 (6.22/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! 2

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (on a weekly-ish basis), and at the end of this descent into madness create my definitive power ranking of each album.

–

Album: Now That’s What I Call Music! 2

Release Date: 7/27/1999

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.67/10

The Good: I write this blog in the order that it’s shown, and I make my little excel tables and calculate it as I plan what to write here, and when I saw that the average score for Now 2 was 0.02 points higher than Now 1, I audibly went “woahhhh” as if someone were nearby, but then I realized I’m sitting in a darkened apartment alone with nobody around to hear my intrigue. 

The Good continued: I guess the higher score isn’t too hard to believe. The album leads off with “...Baby One More Time,” which is probably the best song that starts with an ellipsis (so neat facts there). It’s classic Britney, the one who peaked at her release, and the one who I get to listen to get slowly worse over the next 68 Now CDs. Also a strong showing from New Radicals on an original one-hit-wonder alt-rock diss track (listen to the bridge, these LA natives go after everything from health insurance, the FDA, big bankers, cloning (while they’re multiplying), Beck, Hanson, Courtney Love, and Marilyn Manson! Their angst knows no bounds! 

Though fair warning to lead singer Gregg Alexander, stay away from Manson:

“"I'm giving an open invitation to the singer of the New Radicals, because he's all strange and spiritual, and he challenged me in one of his songs. A lot of people would say, 'Y'know, don't give him the attention, cause that's what he wants.' But I think I'll crack his skull open if I see him." - Marilyn Manson

(http://www.mtv.com/news/1430072/new-radicals-discuss-slighting-marilyn-manson-and-courtney-love-manson-responds/)

Alexander later stated that the jab was out of respect and trying to get the names of artists he is a “major major fan of” out into the open, but this story is 21 years old, and we’re still not buying it. 

Also, Garbage is fantastic. Listen to them. 

The Bad: The fuck is a Baz Luhrmann song* doing on this album?!? 

*it’s not a song. It’s a 5 minute graduation speech that perseverates on the importance of sunscreen (can’t disagree with that) over a GarageBand drum kit. The only thing that prevented it from getting a 1/10 was as I was a hostage audience there were some salient bits of advice. BUT COME ON THIS IS TERRIBLE HOW DID THIS GET ADDED ON. NO REALLY LISTEN TO IT. THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING. 

Potpourri: Oh man definitely the original song from The Rugrats Movie. Yep, that one of course. You know, by Mya? and Blackstreet?! Take the Rugrats theme and add of the biggest R&B names to it? And then do that in a music video? Honestly it’s not half bad. Kind of like whiskey with a pickle back (pun intended). Hop in the Reptar Wagon!  

You know what? The music video is spectacular. Here’s the whole thing. 

Takeaways: Now 2 is definitely front loaded with some 1998/9 classics though finishes with a real turd in the punchbowl of an 18th song, though based on my arbitrary ratings I clearly liked it 0.3% more than Now 1. 

Thanks for tagging along guys! Only 68 more albums to go! Get ready for Now 3! Woooooooo

Current Power Rankings:

Now 2 (6.67/10)

Now 1 (6.65/10)

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Now That’s What I Call Music! (aka Now 1)

Preface: Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and I lost this season! I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and I am required to listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that currently exist (70 as of May 2019), review them (on a weekly-ish basis), and at the end of this descent into madness create my definitive power ranking of each album.

--

Album: Now That's What I Call Music!

Release Date: 10/27/1998

Track Listing and Awarded Scores:

Average Score: 6.65/10 

The Good: The album starts off with three strong products from Janet Jackson, BSB, and Fastball, and then YESSSSSSS MMMBOP. I felt like going into this blog that 10s simply shouldn’t exist, rather it should be this random unattainable target that everyone should just shoot for (i.e. shoot for the moon and something something even if you miss you’ll land among the stars). But MMMBop hits it here. It’s a time-defining song that hit #1 in 27 countries and caused the brothers’ otherwise bland debut album to sell over 3 million copies globally. Man bands made money before Napster was a thing, people had to pay full price for a whole CD to listen to one song on repeat! Also All My Life is a middle-school slow dance R&B banger that still holds up. 

The Bad: I feel like R&B in the late 90s was either exceptional or hot garbage. All Saints’ Never Ever is almost 5 minutes of slow meandering R&B nonsense. Same with Brian McKnight’s Anytime, where the last 90 seconds is the same mediocre chorus repeated over and over and over again.

Potpourri: I had definitely forgotten who sang Zoot Suit Riot. I can just imagine the scenario in any 90s household where a teenage daughter is leaving the house and her parents say “where do you think you’re going young lady?” and she says “don’t worry mom and dad, I’m just going to a CHERRY POPPIN’ DADDIES concert.” It just gets unnerving especially during lyric “who’s you’re daddy, yes I am.” 

Here is good ol’ CPD for reference. Hide your kids, hide your wife. 

Takeaways: Anyway, Now 1 is overall a strong intro helped retroactively by some heavy-handed nostalgia into what I assume will be 70 great albums, right?! Tell me they’ll all be this good. I actually liked listening to this. 

Current Power Rankings:

Now 1 (6.65/10)

Get ready for next time when I review Now 2! 

That’s it for now, only 69 more Nows to go! wooooooooo

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

Getting Started

I’ve listened to the Nows 1, 2, and 3 so far, and it’s time for me to get reviewing.

 In order for me to post the most “objective” ranking for each compilation, I have decided to set up a rating system for each individual song and then compile their rating into a composite score for each album. The higher the score, the better the ranking. No brain teasers here.

Scores will be on a scale of integers 1 to 10, 1 being legendarily bad and 10 legendarily good. And 5 will be smack dab in the middle, a completely bland music experience, the auditory equivalent of a drinking a tepid glass of water in an equally tepid room when you’re already fairly hydrated. 

Things that will be taken into consideration:

Is the song any good? (no shit)

What was the gravity of the song on pop culture at the time?

If it’s an older song, does it give me the nostalgic warm fuzzies?

If it’s a newer song... I guess I’ll figure out the metric there. That’s an issue several albums from now. 

Here are my qualifications for doing this endeavor.

I lost in fantasy football so I have to. 

I was born in 1989, so I had just turned 9 by the time Now 1 came out in October of 1998, just after MTV’s TRL started, and yes I watched every one. 

I keep a perfectly curated iPod of approximately 14,000 songs. I don’t know how this helps qualify me, but I’m really proud of it. 

I like music, and I have strong opinions about it. 

I can say whatever I want because I’m yelling into the void of the internet! Hooray! 

So let’s get started with music reviewing! 

Also special thanks to @benjgross for following me! Neat!

[nowthatswhaticalllosing]

First post

I’m not good at technology, and I still don’t know what a tumblr is. 

Anyway, here goes nothing. Hi internet! I belong to a fantasy football league with my friends from college, and due to a series of player injuries, poor management, and a heavy dose of misfortune, I lost! 

Being a part of a group of highly functioning individuals, I received my punishment for placing last of the 12 teams, and here is my sentence:

Listen to all of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations that exist, review them (on a weekly-ish basis), and at the end of this descent into madness then create my definitive power ranking of each album. 

A few clarifiers: 

I’m referring to American albums (1998-2019).

There are 70 such albums currently in existence, and I have no intention of listening to more as they come out while I write this blog (Now 70 just came out on May 3, 2019). 

K that’s it.

Anyway, follow this! Or don’t. I have no idea what I’m doing right now.