Your king has arrived. @npdmech - Tumblr Blog

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Hello everyone. Apologies for the radio silence, but I've decided to stop using this blog. I have far too many blogs and the clutter is driving me up the wall, so I'll be putting all NPD posts on my main now instead of a separate blog. Feel free to follow me there (@rustybotbrian) if you'd still like to keep up with me.

#royal decrees

GOD I'm so sick of being lumped in with Trump just bc people think they're qualified enough to decide who's a narcissist

#he's not a narcissist he's rich and has never faced hardship or discrimination in his life #royal decrees #actually npd #actuallynpd #npd

riggedforsuccess

Having Narcissism Isnt About Being Abusive, Its About Being Perfect Or You Die

#YEAAAH YOU GET IT

You totally dont have to answer this, but what's it like having npd?

I was really debating answering this, because being honest probably won't make me look very good, but I've got a bit of a platform here, so I might as well use it honestly.

For me, it's a lot of things. The most basic part of it is that I really don't feel empathy. I'm not low-empathy, I'm no-empathy. Similarly, I can't say I've ever experienced genuine remorse for anything, nor do I really understand the point of it.

There are people I care about, but they're honestly few and far between. It's not that I hate everyone else, or even actively dislike them – I'm just completely neutral about most people. Don't really care one way or the other. This doesn't mean I can't feign care and concern when I need to, or that I can't be supportive. I can, it's just often not genuine (though I've yet to meet anyone I'm not close to who could really tell when I'm being ingenuine, so I suppose that bit doesn't really matter).

Lying is... very easy, to say the least. I've never understood the people who get caught in their own "web of lies", really. When much of your outward personality is fabricated to appear in the best possible light to others, though, I suppose you get pretty good at keeping up.

Criticism is very hard. That's something I'm working on. Outwardly, most people wouldn't know I don't take it well (again, it wouldn't really keep up appearances if I let on how I really felt). But inwardly, it's like flipping a switch. It's an instant change where my thought process is something like "They seem to think they're better than me. I'll have to make sure they don't make that mistake again." It's easier if it comes from close friends – it at least doesn't feel as much like an attack then.

Somewhat related to that, I don't feel a lot of things. That's why I revel in some of my interests – there are a couple of those that help me to experience some level of genuine emotion, and I take that where I can get it. I'm definitely quicker to anger or despair than joy or excitement, but I suppose that's a work in progress as well.

And then there's the inevitable crashes. I always strive for perfection. There is an idealized, "more perfect" version of myself, and I am actively working toward that. The issue is that it feeds into other things (like my eating disorder) because it's such a slippery slope. And when things go wrong, when I get off-track, when something brings me back to that jarring understanding that I am not as perfect as I could be, it's absolute hell. Because what's the point of being alive if I'm not perfect? If I have flaws like people I see as beneath me, then why am I even here? To someone without NPD, I'm sure that reasoning would sound ridiculous. But for me, that's the very real path my mind goes down when I'm crashing.

Lastly, there's masking. It was mentioned above, what with feigning care and concern and not letting on that I don't take criticism well, but it's a bit further than that. Like I've said above, much of my outward personality (outside of this blog, at least) is, at least to some extent, fabricated. You want as many people to view you in a positive light as possible, and I'm no different in that respect. The difference is that for me, a lot of it just isn't real. I'm a very neutral person, but over the years, I've learned ways to pick up on things like how I'm supposed to respond emotionally to others, how to know exactly what they want to hear and when, and other things like that. Whether I actually believe the things I tell them or whether my emotional responses are genuine is irrelevant, it's all about being whatever they need at that moment because then, they'll associate me with positive things like compassion and understanding, even if none of it's real for me.

There's a server I'm in with just a few very close friends, and they're probably the only people (other than those following this blog) who've seen me as I really am, when I'm not masking for anyone. Masking is incredibly tiring, and some days, I have to take time away from everyone who doesn't know about my NPD because I just don't have it in me that day to pretend to care or be helpful. I can feign as many qualities as I like, but it's going to be draining to do for an extended period.

I understand this answer is likely going to make me seem untrustworthy or otherwise like a horrible person. In the interest of presenting an honest view of what it's like living witn this disorder, though, I'm choosing to share it anyway. Do with it what you all will, I suppose, and my apologies that it's such a long post.

#answered #actually npd #actuallynpd #npd #long post

What's made you smile today? -🌸

At the risk of sounding cringe...

I'm going to be getting back into horse competitions! A friend of my mom's owns a ranch nearby, and they have rodeos every month. My mom told her about my past experience with competitive riding, and she said I could come train up there and, once I'm used to how they do things, I can compete as well!

It's probably one of the most fun things I've ever done, and I'm very excited to be getting back into it!

#I'll have to get new riding boots ofc #but after that I can get started!#answered #🌸 anon

The most intense emotion I have ever experienced is whatever the fuck I get when I hear "Achilles Come Down". Idek what emotion I'm feeling then but it damn sure is a lot of it

#write what you want you will never hit as hard as this song does actually #royal decrees

Uh reminder that you can't be diagnosed with a PD if you're under 18 because that's literally just how kids are

#you're not a narcissist you're just a child #royal decrees #cluster b

the-edge-is-real-deactivated202

zarathustra-would-be-proud

the-memedaddy

Meirl

#HBFJDKSK YEAH

Once you finish the stimboards I’d love to see them. -🛸(I’ve decided that I’d like to be a certified anon of sorts, if it’s alright with you.)

Sure! They won't be posted until Halloween, but I can reblog them here when they post (or maybe make a post that links to all of them, since there will be 15?).

I'll make a tag for you so you can keep track of your asks, then!

#answered #🛸 anon