Numbered Days @numbered-days-blog - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Aw, man. Do you ever feel inexorably far behind your peers? Not in material terms, like houses and spouses and kids and shit (though that factors into it in some way). But, like, you're playing catch-up in learning what you need to make yourself a happy and well-balanced human person and being able to discern what actions support or detract from that understanding of need.

#30-year-old angst #feelings #super important

Decoding Business-Speak 101

(Note: The following examples were pulled from a contracted job I had a couple years ago.)

Example 1: Context: Waiting in an elevator, the person nearest the buttons pushes the one for your floor without asking you where you're going. You've never seen this person before.

Dialogue:

You: "Good morning! Hit 4 if you could, please."

Him: "Oh, I know where you sit. I've seen you walking around."

Meaning:

You: "Gross. How do you know to which floor I'm going?"

Him: "Oh, that's 'cause I've stared at your ass every time you happen to be near my office, which, by the by, is way the hell over on the other side of the building and actually nowhere near your own desk."

Example 2: Context: Brainstorming session in your boss' office.

Dialogue:

Boss: "I'd like you to conduct interview sessions after product trial runs, just to gather some latent intelligence."

You: "Sounds good."

Boss: "We could use a fresh perspective, especially given your background in, what? Journalism or something like that?

Meaning:

Boss: "No one else wants to do this thing I'm gonna ask you to do."

Me: "Durr. It sounds fucking boring."

Boss: "We could use a fresh perspective, especially given your background in having a vagina and being kind of OK to look at."

Example 3:

Context: A co-worker asks your help translating some copy.

Dialogue:

Random Co-worker: "I've got these Greek words to translate, and Steve told me you could help."

You: ". . ."

RCW: "So, I've got the first three characters of this word figured out. Can you tell me if the translation is right."

You" "Uh, I don't speak Greek."

RCW: "Oh, really? Steve told me you were from Greece!"

You: "Nope. Ohio-bred."

RCW: "Hmm. Well, what are you then?"

You: "The dark hair throws a lot of people off."

Meaning:

RCW: "I'm a racist."

You: "Yuuuuup."."

Example 4:

Context: Weekly meeting to update other staff members on your ongoing projects

Dialogue:

You: "If there's time before my contract ends, I'd like to start photographing the physical artifacts the department has in storage."

Supervisor #1: "I'm not so much concerned about that."

Supervisor #2: "As long as we have a good record of the other items in there, I don't think photographs are a pressing necessity."

You: "Alrighty. I'll just keep on keepin' on, then."

Meaning:

You: "I'm bored. I ran out of internet."

Supervisor #1: "Oh, I know. Me, too. Sucks balls, am I right?"

Supervisor #2: "For sure. Just let's not say anything about it, okay guys? Don't want to ruin the magic we have going here."

You: "Alrighty. I'm-a keep on Windows button>D-ing whenever y'all walk by my desk, then."

Example 5:

Context: You run into a female co-worker about your age in the ladies' room.

Dialogue:

Her: "I see you've been working with Attractive Male Colleague quite a bit on the futures project."

You: "Well, my supervisor asked me to join AMC's team. It seemed interesting enough, and when you are interested in something it's easy to stay motivated."

Her: "That's great! You should keep your eyes open for more projects. AMC is fun to work with."

Meaning:

Her: "I see you're having sex with our sole attractive male co-worker."

You: "No. I'm not."

Her: "Yes, you are. I've clearly been trying to hit that and now I hate you."

#office lyfe #people skills #old shit

YOU GUYS: FREE APARTMENT AND ALL MY WORLDLY POSSESSIONS!

It's a pretty rad deal. You'd get a couple of old couches, back issues of National Geographic, my collection of ankle-length shapeless floral dresses (like this one!) PLUS unlimited cat fur!

You only have to pay with sleepless nights for the rest of your life!

This morning, I woke up with 34 spider bites on me from head to toe (literally 34: I've confirmed the count during itch cream touch-ups in my work bathroom. I think there are a couple bites on my scalp but I am not checking there because NOPE).

Obviously, I can never go home again. But you can! In my home!

I'll give you my keys and you throw my cats to me out my second story window. Deal? DEAL!

#nope nope nope #free apartment #fuk u spiders #highland square

I guess I've made this joke a time or two.

#relationshipz #text comedy jams #today in cat news #cat people

I made this because my last post made me think of this and because I am a super productive corporate employee.

#berks #berks! cherk erhm ahrt!#office lyfe

I just figured out Sherman Alexie has a Twitter account and it's kinda funny (and sweet).

#sherman alexie #twitter #jokes #books! check em' out!

sounds fun, though

(setting: Bar patio, very first drink of the evening and an introduction to a friend's friend I was pretty sure I met before, but couldn't quite place it.)

Déjà Dude: I think we've met before.

Me: I think so, too, but I'm not sure when.

Me: Hold up. (getting really animated and excited) Were you the guy on St. Pat's, telling me about how you totally saw this super drunk chick blowing her boyfriend in that disgusting alley over there and that people were applauding but she was so drunk she didn't hear, but her dude did and gave y'all a thumbs up?!?!?!

Déjà Dude: Nope. Not me. Sounds fun though.

Me: Well, sorry about the last few seconds, man.

#real talk #saturday nightz #people skills

oh, just me, then?

(setting: Bar patio, about 2 drinks into the evening and a lead-in conversation about car accidents/drunk driving/terrible shit)

Me: Do you guys ever have this irrational fear when you're bumping some music & a shitty song comes on, you will, at that instant, get into a horrible wreck and the cops will find your mangled body with like, TLC "Creep" blaring?

Dude Friend: (laughing, trying to be polite) No, I don't think I've ever thought that.

Dude I Just Met in a Really Awkward Way: Uhhhhhh. . .

Me: (laughing) Oh, so just me, then?

Dude Friend: "Creep" is actually a good jam.

Me: I know. I panicked. It was the first example that came to mind. There are way worse things. Like . . .

Dude Friend & I in unison: Nickleback

#real talk #saturday nightz #people skills

they got you.

(setting: Bar patio, about 5 and a half drinks into the evening and a lead-in discussion about personal hygiene practices, for some reason)

Dude Friend: I use bar soap. Body wash is stupid. You have to buy a whole different delivery system just to use it. I don't need that much shit in my shower. What's wrong with a washcloth?

Me: (me, laughing, near tears)

Me: Can I just say I feel like the soap industry has played me big time?

Dude Friend: They got you, yo.

#damn you marketing #dialogue #real talk #people skills