nunu's diary

nunu <3 | multi-fandom

[nunukies]

peach

the entanglement 20.9k words

friends to lovers / situationship final boss

fuckboyjk! x studiousreader

You always thought you were stronger than this.  Stronger than the fleeting emotions caught on by a one night stand or worse, a situationship.  You were firm in your belief that you’d want more than lustful eyes and dirty words from someone else whenever you decided that sex — no intimacy were to occur.  You were disappointed to say the least.  

It had started slowly, the way Jungkook had entered your life.  At first, it was him saying hi to someone you tutored or awkward small talk at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner.  You did your best to be kind to everyone, him included, but in all honesty, you hadn’t paid much attention to him.  Everyone who knew you, or knew of you at least, understood that you weren’t in university for shits and giggles.  You were brilliant and amongst the cohort of students that excelled, you were everything they could never be. You were sixteen when your first paper was published and only a few months older when you were awarded at Stanford for being the “future of science.”  You were the great white in a school of flat fish.  Jungkook however, didn’t realize that until after he had officially met you.  He had thought you were beautiful, but it was your brain that enticed him.  

Jungkook didn’t pay much attention to Jisoo or her friends until he met you.  He’d been used to girls floundering around him and feigning for his consideration.  You were quiet, but polite.  You’d offer a warm smile to him whenever you’d bump into one another but nothing more.

You were both in your last years of university when everything began.  Granted, Jungkook was a year your senior despite you finishing your doctorate and headed onto medical school.  And Jungkook, after much dismay, had been applying to graduate school.  Pressure from his parents had convinced him that a simple bachelor’s degree wasn’t worth anything if he didn’t at least have a masters.  And with an older brother like his, overachieving with a JD and MBA, his parents expected that their youngest would soon meet half of what his brother did. 

It was at Jackson’s halloween party when things began to change.  Jungkook was the youngest of his friends, and it almost paralleled your relationship with Jisoo, Yejin, and Yuna.  While they were all out of graduate school and getting into their late twenties, you and Jungkook were still tethered to higher education.  

“You should talk to Y/n,” Namjoon said whilst opening a beer.  He was in a farmer costume, one that Jungkook didn’t exactly understand what he was dressed as.  

“I barely know her,” Jungkook groaned, his right hand running into his hair.   

“She’s very nice, I’m sure she’d help you out,” Namjoon noted, seeing his rather cheery and playful hyung distressed wasn’t a normal sight.  

“She’ll be here tonight,” Jackson chimed after cutting some limes for the mixer, “Talk to her.”  

Jungkook nodded his head roughly, not wanting to talk about it anymore.  He hated feeling like this, like the youngest.  He felt like everyone looked at him as a kid, and for the most part he didn’t mind.  But when it came to school, he couldn’t help but feel like a charity case.  It was that single thing that set him off, whether he realized it at the time or not. 

The party came faster than he expected.  Music loud and people mingling in Jackson’s massive penthouse.  Jungkook had a blonde on his lap; making out with her on the living room couch.  He didn’t notice you at first.  But then he caught a glimpse of you that was golden.  And respectively, you weren’t exactly enticed by him either.  You made your way to Jackson’s house in a short gold dress that dusted your shadow with glitter and golden wings flying about.  Jimin wanted to be Harry Potter and Yuna had decided that she’d be Herminone, thus you were the golden snitch.  

“There’s more people than I thought,” Jimin muttered as the three of you exited the elevator doors.  

“It’s Jack,” Jisoo said delightedly, a bit tipsy from their pregame, “He always goes out for halloween.  

“I want to get fucked up,” You admitted happily.  Your words enamored your two friends, as you were never one to get too drunk at social events.  You were always maintained, collected.  This was new.  

“Let’s fucking do it then!” Jimin took your hand and away you flew. 

You made your rounds, saying hi to your friends and making some new ones.  You didn’t realize how you’d lost your friends in a sea of people until you were outside on the terrace.  You stumbled a bit, your gold Jessica Simpson heels saving you from any embarrassment.  You noticed Jungkook immediately.  He was draped in a purple velvet boxing robe, his tattoos peaking out from the sleeves.  For a moment, you observed him intently.  He seemed tense, his tight grip on the cigarette made you think he just might snap it.  

You approached him as he leaned on the metal railing that separated the terrace and the sky. “May I,” you said softly, your right pointer and middle fingers on display to take the cigarette.  

Jungkook looked at you, he had never seen you like this before.  He took an inhale of the cigarette before passing it to you silently.  He watched as you took a deep breath and exhaled the smoke out.  

“Didn’t know you smoked,” he said. 

“Only when I’m sad,” you said truthfully.  

His head turned a bit, unsure if you were serious or not.  “You good?” 

“Just peachy,” you looked into his eyes, with a smile he couldn’t decipher. 

He let it be, as you both weren’t in any position to talk about your feelings.  But he took his shot and began, “I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.” 

Immediately, your stoic smile turned into a blank canvas.  His tone was different, you were concerned now.  And he could tell.  “What’s up Jungkook?” 

“I-” he stuttered, “I’ve been thinking about applying to grad school, get my MBA.  And I was wondering what you thought?”  Her eye contact made him want to die.  There wasn’t a moment in which you didn’t stop looking at him and he felt his face burn in embarrassment.  

But before he could even take back his words, you said “I think you would do great.” 

Sincerity, that’s what he felt.  “Master’s programs are a huge commitment, so you have to ask yourself if this is really what you want.  But I know you’d excel in any graduate program you choose.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Of course.” She told him as if it was a fact.  Granted she didn’t know him very well, but she was all for people pursuing higher education.  “I believe in you, you just need to believe it.” 

“Believe what?” 

“Believe that you can do it too.” 

He didn’t say anything.  He didn’t know what to say.  He was touched that you felt that way, but still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you said such kind things without knowing him.  Shakily, he nodded his head. Unsure if he was trying to believe your words or thank you for them. 

“Will do,” he said breathlessly, going in for another drag of the cigarette. 

“Jungkook,” you said sternly and grabbed his hand before the cigarette could reach his mouth, “You can do anything you want in this life.  You are smart, don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t.” 

He gulped at your sudden seriousness and the physical contact.  The first thing he noticed was the softness of your hand on his.  He could smell your perfume too, now that your wrist was so close to his nose. 

“You’re right, thank you Y/n.” He said honestly and he brought the wrist that was in your grasp to the railing.  The movement signified that it was time to let go of him.  Although your hand could barely grab his entire wrist.  

“It’s all good Jungkook, if you ever need help let me know.” 

“I will.” 

Two weeks later you received a text from him.  He asked if you’d go to the library with him and reread his applications. He had been nervous then.  Not because you made him nervous, but that he was letting you read his applications.  He did not even let his family read it, only a teacher in which he got a letter of recommendation from.  

He remembered everything about that afternoon.  The gold ring with purple sapphires that you wore on your pointer finger.  How your hair looked so full and soft.  How your face remained stoic as you read the essays. How you didn’t say anything until you were done reading everything. 

You thought his essays were enlightening, thoughtful, and were more complex than you took him for.  His grammar could use some work but overall, you thought it was done well.  

You met with him once more, after he’d taken all your advice and had an English tutor help with some of the grammatical errors he had. 

“You’re golden,” you said to him.  Jungkook was sitting across from you at The Brew, a local coffee shop near your university.  “I’m serious Jungkook.  Your essays, letter of recommendation, and resume are stacked.  You’re a shoe-in for any MBA program in the country.” 

“You think?” He asked nervously, unsure what to do with the praise. 

“I know it.” 

Over the next few weeks, Jungkook began to ask you out more and more.  You didn’t mind it.  The first few times were just to study.  He said that your “work ethic inspired him.” You thought he was being dramatic, but he was earnest. 

And the one night after studying at The Brew, he asked “You hungry?” 

“Actually,” you were packing up your bag, “I’m starving, I haven’t eaten since this morning.” 

“Let’s go get something to eat then,” Jungkook replied with a smile.  

As the two of you walked to the parking lot, you debated on driving with him.  You felt embarrassed.  You knew Jungkook’s family came from money, not insanely wealthy like some of your other friends, but enough to put him and his brother through school without loans.  

You drove a 2001 Toyota 4-runner, Trixie to your close friends.  She’d been with you since you were fifteen.  You’d bought it at the cherry auction in your hometown for $2600.  It was all the money you’d saved since working at 13.    

Before you could say something, Jungkook had already brought you to his bike.  It was a black BMW motorcycle.  Sleek, sexy, masculine, the epitome of Jungkook’s personal style.  

“I’m not riding this Jungkook,” you told him sternly. 

“Yes you are,” he retorted dramatically, opening a compartment at the edge of the bike and placing his backpack there.  

“I’m serious.” 

“And so am I.” He told her again, “You’re not going to get hurt.  You’ll be fine.” 

“Jungkook,” you said softer, “I’ve never been be-” 

“It’s okay, I got you. It’s quicker with my bike and I would never let a girl drive me.” 

“Okay,” you said breathlessly.  That first ride would be one forever engrained in your memory.  It felt freeing, feeling the wind drift on you.  You understood why he enjoyed driving so much.  

Dinners became more frequent, well studying and then dinner.  You began inviting him over to your place, cooking for him as he quizzed you on anatomical terms. He would join you in the kitchen too, grilling up pork belly as you explained different philosophers to him.  

One night, as you stood under the kitchen lights with a glass of wine, he asked, “Why are you even going to medical school?” 

With teary eyes from cutting green onions, you looked at him in disbelief. “What?” 

“I just mean, you’re a biomedical engineer graduating with a PHD in biophysics.  The school created a dual bachelors/PHD program just for you. You’re set.” 

You didn’t know what to say.  He was right, you had managed to get both a bachelors and doctorate in four years.  You could do anything in your field with your expertise, especially with all of the research you’d published.  After a second of silence, you began chopping the green onions again.  

“My mom was a doctor,” you didn't look at him, “My favorite memories were when she’d pick me up from practice and I would get to sit in her office while she saw patients.” 

Jungkook listened intently.  There was a sudden softness in your voice now, “She always wanted me to do medicine. So much of me was made from her and I don’t know, she always believed that I could help people.”

“I’m sorry,” he told her.  He had known that your parents had died when you were young, but you never spoke of it to anyone. 

“My entire life, everyone’s told me that I was smart.  That I could do anything.  And I guess the worst thing is that they’re right.  I know I can do it, become a doctor.  I owe it to my mom to at least try, you know.”  

“Thank you for telling me that.” He told her.  “You’ll be a great doctor, I know it.” 

“You think?” a tone that once mimicked his own. 

“I believe in you.”  

There was a silence between them, one they had been familiar with.  The smile on your face was different than anyone you’d given him.  There was a sadness that Jungkook had never seen before. He watched as you finished your glass of wine and poured yourself another one.  

That was the first time he remembered you like that.  There was a level of vulnerability he never saw.  It was something about that night that changed for him.  

That was the time you saw one another before winter break.  

You saw him again at Jimin’s New Year’s Eve Party.  You had texted over break, sharing memes, music, and a Merry Christmas message. You didn’t know he would be there.  Jungkook had mentioned that he was on vacation with his family after Christmas, visiting Hawaii.  

You were dressed in a black mini dress embroidered with gold beads in the design of a flower and the same gold heels from Halloween.  You were elated to be drinking that night.  The holidays had always been difficult, but this new year felt different.  You’d gotten accepted into every medical school you’d applied to, and hearing back from NYU was no exception. 

Your mom had gone to NYU Grossman School of Medicine on a full ride scholarship and you had hoped that the acceptance would bring you joy. Instead, it made you nauseous.  Moments like this only made you miss your parents more. 

No one knew about NYU, well at least not here.  You let your hometown friends know, your grandparents obviously, and your mentors. You didn’t dare mention it to any of your friends here. Part of you wanted to tell Jungkook, as he had also applied to NYU for his MBA. But you didn’t. You were afraid of how he’d react if he didn’t get in. 

Thus, the four shots and mixer in your hand. You were dancing with a random girl in the middle of Jimin’s living room when your back hit someone else’s.  

The abrupt collision made you spill half your truly. “Fuck,” you muttered while turning to face the individual behind you.

“My bad,” the voice added. 

When you looked up, you didn’t expect to see him. And he didn’t expect to see you. You looked incredible, similar to Halloween but not a costume, it was you. 

“Y/n” 

“Jungkook,” 

Both of you said at the same time. 

“Hi,” you let out first. You examined his face amongst the purple lights. His hair had gotten longer and his eyes were blood shot. He was high.  

“Hi.” 

There was a sudden awkwardness between you two. You were unable to pinpoint why, but it felt uncomfortable. Neither of you said anything. You were both lost in the sea of people, Migos playing in the background. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him, seeing as his heather gray shirt was littered with alcohol. Jungkook looked down at his shirt and let out a soft chuckle. 

“Come on,” he motioned his head to the right, “Let’s get another one.” 

You didn’t know how you ended up in Jimin’s guest bedroom, or the fragments of that night were blacked out.  You vaguely recalled Jungkook and you getting drinks and then making it outside to get fresh air.  He made a comment about there being too many people on the lawn, so he opted to go up to the bedroom that had a small terrace.  You followed him, enjoying his presence. 

When you walked inside it was clear that Jungkook had been staying in this room.  His suitcase was in the corner and the faint smell of dior cologne lingered.  You placed your bag and phone on the dresser.  

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” you said as he shut the door behind him.  You heard the sound of the door lock, figuring that it was so no one would try to get freaky while you guys smoked on the balcony.  

“Came back early,” he said gruffly. You knew by the sound of his voice that he’d gotten into it with his family.  He’d have that tone after getting off the phone with his dad or brother.  

“Wanna talk about it?” 

Jungkook shook his head no as he opened the terrace doors.  It was small, just enough for two people to stand on it.  He lit the cigarette with a bottle of soju in his other hand.  You didn’t push anything after that.  He appreciated it.  If it was anyone else, he knew they would’ve brought him to the point of anger again.  

He didn’t like talking bad about his parents to you, despite his transgressions with him.  He knew you’d understand and comfort him in a way he needed, but he couldn’t shake the fact that he had the privilege of complaining about something.  

You took the cigarette out of his hand and let out a sigh.  One large puff was enough for you that night.  You were already out of it.  Jungkook watched you take it and teased, “Feeling down?” 

He meant no harm, he never did.  You looked at him, a drunken smile on your face. “It’s always hard around this time of year.” 

He brought his hand to his face, “Fuck I’m sorry.” 

His reaction made you giggle.  A full drunken giggle.  “Jungkook,” you grabbed his face instinctively and joyfully emitted, “I’m good.” 

“You’re so annoying,” he groaned, shaking your hands off his face and snatching the cigarette out of your hand.  He took a long drag out before coughing it out.  It startled you; you were concerned that he might’ve choked but then a laugh emitted from his throat.  

“You’re something else peach,” he toyed with the nickname.  

“You adore me.” 

“That’s a bit egotistical.” 

“Then go,” you grabbed the soju out of his hand and took a sip.  He shrugged his shoulders.  He didn’t want to leave, not yet anyway.  You sighed out, and turned to walk to the bedroom.  The sudden breeze on the terrace made your legs buckle. 

He didn’t say anything, he just watched as you spun around to the faded music down stairs. He put the cigarette out, not wanting to smoke anymore.  He didn’t notice that a song came on, “TBH” by Partynextdoor.  Your eyes lit up, the faint boom beat drop electrifying you. 

“I love this song,” you told him, eyes wide like bambi.  

“Do you?” he mused, walking back into the room and leaving the terrace door slightly open.  You’d played it once, while he drove the both of you after studying one night.  It was raining that day so he’d opted for his car.  He remembered how you sang dramatically on the drive home, grabbing his right arm as you yelled out “I see you in the city.”  You’d open the passenger window and stuck your head out, singing to the ongoing cars.  

You had the same playfulness in your eyes as you did then.  You grabbed his empty hand, and repeated it again.  You didn’t register what you were doing; bringing him close, pushing him away, staring into his dark eyes.  

Cause baby close just isnt close enough 

You sang along, pulling him against your chest.  

Maybe my passion just ain’t enough. 

You pushed him away dramatically, your grip iron tight on his shirt. 

I can’t feel that you love me

You brought him in once again, face centimeters apart. Your hands gripped his jaw, his own falling down to your waist.  

I can’t feel that you love me 

Jungkook looked at you. You were carefree and giggly, your voice was sweet like honey.  But you weren’t moving anymore, at least not your hands.  He saw your eyes flicker down to his lips, it was quick.  He almost didn’t catch it.  

You’d stopped singing, all he could hear was the sound of your breath.  And at the same time, you collided your lips together.  

Your lips were softer than he thought they’d be.  Granted, he did think about kissing you before.  Just once, at the halloween party.  You tasted like lychee and soju, and a bit of lemonade.  Your hands moved faster than his, gripping the fabric of the shirt into your fists to get him closer to you.  

Jungkook started motioning you back.  It startled you, the abruptness of the bed.  You dragged him down as you fell on your back and earned a soft groan from him.  You slipped your hands underneath his shirt and suddenly, you could feel every muscle in his back.  

You thought about the times he’d tell you he was going to the gym after studying with you.  You’d never thought about it much, but now you could feel all of his dedication.  

You scratched his back as his lips traveled down your jaw and onto your neck.  You smelt good, you always smelt good.  Even your apartment smelt good.  But having you like this, god he felt like he could cum just smelling you.  

“Fuck peach,” he moaned into your ear, his hot breath sending shivers down your spine. “Smell good, always so fucking good.” 

His lips were on your neck again; biting, sucking, licking everything he could.  He moved around, wanting to have every part of you.  He was at the base of your neck when he heard you.  You let out a soft moan, your nails digging into his shoulder.  

He was done for.  He sucked harder, trying to elicit more from you.  You could feel it, your skin turning purple by the way his teeth nipped your skin. Tugging his hair you brought his lips to your own again.  He was compelled by your sudden starkness and before he knew it, you’d flipped him onto his back.  

You weren't sure how you did it.  Maybe it was the angst, or adrenaline of wanting to feel him fully that made you turn into She-Hulk.  You sat on top of him, your dress riding up and you could feel the thin heel of your shoes graze your ass.  It was a sight, seeing him like this.  

You tugged his shirt and made him sit up.  His feet were planted on the hardwood as you grinded on him.  You used his shirt to bring you closer to him and repaid the favor, moving your hips while sucking on his neck.  You made your way to his left ear because it had less piercings.  You bit what you could and it made him moan loudly.  

Jungkook couldn’t handle it.  He was going to finish.  He’d never been with anyone like this before. His hands grabbed your ass and squeezed it tightly as you moved against him.  And after the many girls he had been with, no one had ever bitten his ear before.  

He looked up at you with your face buried in his neck.  One hand was in his hair and the other was secure around his shoulder.  He could feel how much you were enjoying it. Your soft whimpers went straight to his ear and he fucking loved it.

He felt your wetness against his jeans.  He was sure some of it was also his.  

“God damn it," you let out while throwing your head back.  You didn’t know Jungkook's body well enough to see how undone he was.  One strap of your dress was off and his lips devoured your shoulder. 

The constant friction was too much.  Jungkook wanted to stop, he didn’t want to finish like this, not when he could have you.  But before he could do anything, you shifted your hips.  The new angle sent him over the edge.  After a few seconds of movement, Jungkook let out a loud groan.  

You didn’t seem to notice.  You were still moving your hips, blissfully unaware that Jungkook had come in his pants.  He felt embarrassed.  He’d never come from dry humping before.  But it was the fact that you didn’t care that intrigued him.  It was as if you were using him for your own pleasure, and that turned him on ever more.  

Suddenly, he lifted you off the bed. “Jungkook!” you squealed out, clinging to him tightly.  You were afraid and he felt your entire body jolt in caution.  

He turned and tossed you to the bed wordlessly. His gaze was primal.  Your dress settling at your hips, your black lace thong just gleaming at him.  He grabbed your right ankle after noticing your shoes were still on.  He let out a dark chuckle before moving you to the edge of the bed.  The force on your leg made your legs instinctively open wider for him.  

His face was pressed against your ankle as kissed it.  “I love when you wear these shoes peach,” he moaned out, his other hand rubbing down your right leg. You shivered and you felt him grin in return.  He peppered wet kisses up your right leg until you could feel his breath on your most intimate area. 

His right hand massaged your left leg, making sure that you felt every sensation you could.  You were a fucking mess.  Your wetness had dripped down your leg and he licked it.  You let out a moan. 

“I’m going to touch you peach,” his eyes on you, “Tell me what you want.” 

“Everything,” you struggled to get out, squirming in his hold.  “Give me everything, please.” 

He’d never thought he would hear you beg.  But it worked, your pleas sent him straight in.  He didn’t take his time like he wanted to, he was quick.  You were needy, so fucking needy.  

“Baby you're dripping for me,” you could feel his grin on your right hip.  He slipped two fingers into you, the slickness drenching his entire hand.  “So fucking wet just for me huh.” 

You couldn't say anything.  All you could do was let out a cry, a nod yes.  His fingers were long and thick.  You’d never felt so full just by being fingered before.  You moved your hips to match the pace of his fingers.  

“Come on now use your words,” he teased, stopping his movement.  

“Jungkook,” you said meekly.  You sat up on your forearms, seeing as he was on his knees and holding your hips hostage.  You reached out and grabbed his wrist, then shook it so you could feel the sensation of his fingers inside of you. 

Jungkook had never been so turned on in his life.  His once limp cock was hard again, and the fuck if he would let you have control again.  Although seeing you so desperate for his fingers was something he would have to explore again. He ripped his fingers out of you, and with his free hand pinned your hand onto your hips. “If I had known you’d be such a slut for me, I would’ve taken you the first night we met,” Jungkook said roughly. 

He let go of your hand and grabbed on your panties.  He was impatient now, very impatient at your defiance. He slipped off your panties and tossed them to the side.  In a swift motion, he put both of your legs on his shoulders, and his face barely missed your soaked cunt.  

You struggled in his grip.  “Jungkook please,” a whine left your mouth. 

“Tell me what I want to fucking hear,” he bit your inner thigh.  Your hand went to push him closer to you, but it was no use.  He was too strong and in this position, you were in no authority to get what you wanted. 

“It’s all for you,” you gave in, a tear streaming down your face.  “You made me like this Jungkook, please touch me.  Please baby, I need it.” 

A smirk played on his face while you desperately pleaded with him. “Was that so hard?” he cooed dramatically before licking your clit.  You gasped loudly at the sensation.  You’d never been eaten out before.  

“Fuck youre so responsive,” you could feel the vibration of his voice move through your body.  

“Oh my god,” you whispered out like a prayer.  His mouth was sinful.  He sucked on your clit so hard you thought you’d bruise.  And when he added a finger in, you knew you’d come quick.  Jungkook loved it.  He’d never tasted anything so sweet and tart.  The way you grinded on his face as he moved made him all the more eager to make you finish.  

You were close, he could tell.  He could feel you tighten up, squeeze against him so hard he thought you'd push him out. But he fought it.  

“Jungkook,” you cried out, “I’m going to cum, can I?” 

Asking permission? Fuck he was done.  

“Go ahead peach,” he raised his head to see you.  Your hands were in his hair, makeup a mess.  “Cum for me.” 

And you did.  You felt your orgasm crash through you unlike anything you’d felt before.  Your eyelids were heavy as you came down from your high, but you could hear Jungkook’s low chuckle as he began undressing.  He grabbed his wallet and got out the condom he kept in there.  He was glad you were too dazed to notice.

He was naked now, standing before you.  He was bigger than you felt he was.  The size of him, it was both enticing and terrifying at the same time.  He stoked himself a few times before grabbing your legs. He took off your heels, kissing the arch of each of your feet. 

“Get up for me peach,” his tone softer now.  With his hand extended you took it, and stood up in front of him.   Your legs were jello, and you nearly fell after standing.  He turned you around, moving your body as if you were a puppet.  He grabbed the zipper of your dress and let it fall to the floor. 

He admired your soft curls and moved them over your shoulder.  He peppered kisses on back, eliciting a moan from your mouth.  You were only in a black strapless bra, and he quickly got you out of it.  You turned to him again, sweeping your dress out of the way.  

His eyes were dark as he scanned you up and down. “Can I?” you whispered. He nodded eagerly.  You hand grazed the tip of length, and you watched as he leaned his head back. With his eyes closed shut, he didn’t know you spat into your other hand.  All he could feel was the gliding sensation.  

“Just like that peach,” he let out in between moans.  Your hands couldn't reach his entire length.  You pumped him multiple times, wanting to get each part of him.  You kissed his neck softly, you weren't as tall with your heels on so you stood on your toes. 

A handjob had never felt this good before. He didn’t know what to do, he felt overwhelmed by you.  You were so good and he didn't understand why. 

“Fuck,” he grabbed your wrists quickly and pushed you on the bed.  “You keep touching me like that and I’ll cum again.” 

Again? You didn’t realize that he’d finished. So lost in your thoughts you didn’t even realize what he was doing until he ripped the gold foil open. XL, that was his size.  He put on the condom with ease and lowered himself to get to you.  

Time feels slower now.  Before, everything was so heated and quick.  You were seeing all of him and he was seeing all of you.  “Are you sure you wanna do this?” He asked sternly, his hand grazing your face.  

“Yes,” you told him instantly, “Make me feel good Kook.” 

You’d never called him that before.  It made him stop and look at you.  You couldn’t tell what he was thinking and that moment felt like eternity.  Your anxiety was relieved when he leaned in and kissed you tenderly.  One hand cradling your jaw and the other moving to your heat.  He plunged a finger in to make sure you could take him.  You were still slick, the feeling of his coarse fingers caused you to moan into his mouth.  He separated himself and took his hand, submerged in your juices, to his face.  

But before he could even taste you, you put his hand in your mouth and eagerly sucked his fingers.  He was in awe.  He felt your tongue lap against his digits, and he could feel the saliva that collected at the back of your throat. You opened your mouth slightly and you watched as he brought the stings of saliva down to your clit. 

You squirmed at his touch.  He worked on your clit a bit and angled himself in.  His head could barely fit. “Oh shit doll,” he gasped out, “You’re gripping me so tight.” 

“You’re so big,” you stuttered. “I, I don’t think you’ll fit.” 

“I will Y/n,” he praised you as he inched forward.  “You’re doing so well for me.  Keep taking it.”  

You closed your eyes trying to calm down.  Sex had only felt like this when you lost your virginity. It wasn’t that it hurt, it was just uncomfortable.  Adjusting to his size was insane. You felt that all your experience, although it lacked significantly in comparison to Jungkook’s, went out of the window.  You thought his cock could tear right through you, but in the same breadth, the sudden curve hit something that you’d never felt before. 

“Kook,” you moaned as he bottomed out.  His arms caged you in and you felt entrapped by him.  Even with your eyes clamped shut you could feel his gaze, his hot breath on your cheeks.  

“You okay peach,” he asked quietly, his eyes scanning your face.  You opened them to see Jungkook concerned, afraid even.  You wanted to assure him you were good, that you were ready for him.  

So you nodded yes and propped yourself up once more.  With one hand, you grabbed his face and kissed him.  “Take me,” you whispered against his lips. 

You were so soft, so soft.  Even after you’d done the filthiest thing, you were still sweet and gentle. It didn’t match. You were showing parts of yourself he hadn’t even realized you could have.  You were effortlessly sweet and assuring, but a moment later the most confident man eater he’d ever known.  

He began by moving his hips slowly and placing hot sloppy kisses down your body.  When his lips hovered against your breasts, he bit them. “Kook,” you cried out at the sudden sensation.  Jungkook had touched every part of you except those.  They were sensitive and egregiously needy for his attention. Your cries only fueled him to pleasure you more.  

But when your hands clawed his shoulders and tugged the hair on the bottom of his neck, he couldn’t stop himself.  He thought he could be patient again after seeing you adjust to him, but fuck, you were too good.  

“I feel so full Jungkook,” you let out with your back arched high. 

“Yeah?” he taunted, “You like it?” He wrapped one arm under your back and the other on your head. 

“Fuck Kook,” you gasped for air.  The new position sends his cock straight to your spot, “You’re hitting it baby. It’s so good.” 

With his face in your chest, he bit down on your left boob.  He hadn’t marked this one up yet. “You love it don’t you,” his voice raspy. He was determined to have your cum on his cock.   And he was trying to stay in control despite feeling like he’d come at any second.  

“So much,” you said honestly.  You knew your hands were scratching his upper back raw.  You didn’t know sex could feel so amazing.  “I love it so much.” 

“Good,” he gripped your head back, making you arch more.  “I can feel myself squeezing my doll, cum for me.” 

You nodded your head, eager to reach your climax.  Jungkook had moved again.  Your legs were now played out for him and he pummeled through you. His hands were glued to your hips as he moved into you.  “Fuck, fuck fuck!” You yelled out, your hands gripping his wrists. “I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum.” 

“Cum peach, do it for me,” Jungkook’s face contorted with a mix of joy and lust.  You like this, it was everything to him.  

Outside of the room, the countdown to the New Year began.  

10

9

8 

7

“Jungkook!” your hands reached his face. His eyes were dark and it was unlike anything you’d ever seen. 

6 

5 

“Kiss me please,” you pleaded desperately.  Your grip on his face was so tight you thought he’d wince in pain.  

4 

3

His lips collided with yours.

2

You let out a scream, both legs shaking as you clung to him tightly. His mouth caught your orgasm quickly, and the vibration triggered his release too.  

1 

“Cumming,” he let out into your kiss. You felt him twitch inside you and for a moment, you forgot he was wearing a condom.  You imagined how it would’ve felt if he didn’t have one.  

Happy New Year!

You shook yourself out of it as you heard the roar of cheers on the outside. With his head in your neck, you could feel his staggering breath as he tried to collect himself.  He kissed your neck twice before getting off of you. 

You felt heavy.  The alcohol and adrenaline were wearing off now and you wanted to sleep.  You felt him get off the bed and walk into the bathroom. He came out some time later, you didn’t know how long.  

“Y/n,” he said sternly with a hand in your hair.  You were drunk; on alcohol and on him.  It was a deadly combination. 

“Jungkook,” responded weakly, your eyes fluttering up to see him standing with an unopened water bottle. 

“Drink some, you gotta pee.”  

You did so.  Jungkook watched as you drank a third of the bottle.  “Thank you.” 

He nodded, drinking some too.  If you weren’t so exhausted you would’ve pounced on him. He looked incredibly sexy drinking it.  Next thing you knew, you were in his arms and walking into the bathroom.  He let the sink run as you sat on the toilet.  He closed the door partially, not knowing if you were okay being there with him. 

You peed quickly and washed your hands.  Jimin’s soap was nice.  It smelled of lemons and mahogany.  Looking at yourself in the mirror, you could see the bruises starting to form. You were grateful it was winter and you could cover yourself up in many layers.  You opened the door to see Jungkook looking through suitcase. 

He was bare, and so were you.  You didn't say anything as you collapsed on the bed.  You reached the night stand for some more water and carelessly drank it.  A stray bead of water fell.  Jungkook chuckled to himself as he put you under the bedding.  You’d always wrap yourself in blankets when you’d study, but seeing you sleepy was new.  

“Happy New Year peach,” he wiped the stray water from your chin.   

“Happy New Year,” a small smile played on your lips.  You felt Jungkook join the bed as the lights went out in your brain.  The last thing you felt was his breath on your back.  

The morning after was something brutal.  You felt sore and woke up in a bed that wasn’t your own.  Jungkook was pressed against you snoring.  His mouth was slightly open and a drool fell down his chin.  He was also naked with you.   

Your head hurts from the alcohol.  You remembered everything that happened and it made your throat dry.  Looking down at him, you noticed how peaceful he slept.  He looked so youthful like this.  You ran your right hand through his hair and took him in one last time.  And then, you quietly slipped out of his grasp and put your dress on. Bra, panties dress, where were your shoes? 

Grabbing your phone, you saw you had missed calls from Jisoo, Yuna, and Yejin.  You sent them a text that you hooked up with some guy and that you were safe, but nonetheless you were sure they were sleeping downstairs.  You checked the time, 6:01 am.  

You looked back at Jungkook who slept soundly.  You didn’t know what this was, if your friendship could ever go back to what it was after this.  The guilt ate at you, especially since you made the first move.  

With your phone in your hand, you ordered an uber. And out of the corner of your eye, gold flickered under the bed.  You grabbed your gold heels, the sound of Jungkook's voice muttering how much he loved them weighing on you.  With a deep exhale, you gave one last look to Jungkook before leaving the room.  

You made it out of the house easily.  Taehyung was fast asleep on Jimin’s couch and going out of the back door didn’t even phase him.  By the time the clock struck 7:00 am, you’d gotten to your apartment and showered everything off.  All the makeup, all of jungkook was gone.  

Except for the marks.  A handful of bites had been masterfully crafted on your body.  One to your shoulder, one on your neck, two on each boob, one on your inner thigh.  You could not believe you’d had a one night stand, with Jeon Jungkook of all people.  

You fell asleep sometime after the shower and taking tylenol but you woke to the sound of someone on the intercom.  Your apartment building was older and most of the residents complained about the intercom system.  You didn't mind, you thought it was charming.  

“Y/n, you there?” Jungkook’s voice rang out.  Your eyes shot open, and the alarm clock on your nightstand read 01:30 pm.  You contemplated letting him in, unsure of what he wanted.  You didn’t even know what you wanted.  

You pressed the intercom’s unlock button and the large front door of your apartment building opened up.  You heard his footsteps travel through the old floor boards once he made it to the second floor.  He knocked on your door, three knocks and no more or less. 

You opened it to see him in black sweats, with new balances on his feet, and a bag of food in his hand.  Thai food from Georgie’s, a spot you’d taken him too after studying one night.  Your mouth watered at the smell.  

“Damn,” his voice was husky, “Got you good, huh.” 

He watched as your brows furrowed, not registering that sleep shirt you wore allowed some of his love bites go on full display.  When it hit you, Jungkook had already taken off his shoes.  You watched as he closed the door and locked it shut before pressing a kiss on your cheek and taking you to the couch. 

Wordlessly, the two of you began to eat.  You’d put something on, Glee.  You’d been slowly getting him to watch it while you’d eat dinner together over the last few months.  Halfway through season one, he was shocked to find out that Quinn was pregnant. 

“That is so evil,” he broke the silence and watched you enjoy the pad thai.  

“Puck’s not even cute either,” you shook your head.  

He let out a chuckle.  You were wrapped up in the blankets again, like you always would when you were together. Once the episode ended, Jungkook felt his nerves dissipate.  He was anxious about getting here.  He didn’t know where he stood now, but waking up this morning without you made him vomit.  Literally. 

He could smell you everywhere.  He couldn’t get you out of his head.  Every moment you’d spent in his arms ran through his brain.  But you were gone. Your clothes weren’t on the floor anymore and your purse was gone from the dresser.  You were gone but the ghost of you remained in his room and in his mind. He looked at his phone, half expecting that you texted him but atlas, there was nothing from you.  The time was 11:30 am.  Shit, he’d slept through the entire party. 

He hoped you were downstairs with the rest of your friends. He looked disheveled as he made his way down stairs.  With his bed head hair and shirt in his hand, he scanned the kitchen for you.  

“Looks like you had a fun night,” Yuna said blankly. 

Jungkook was never shy about being shirtless around his friends and he’d always prided himself on working out hard.  But he didn’t look at himself in the mirror before he came down.  His chest was delicately designed with small bruises and he had scratches on his shoulders that would likely scar.  He slightly smirked to himself, proud that you marked him up.  

“Fuck off Yuna,” he put his shirt on. 

“We’re happy you got some buddy,” Taehyung hit the back of his head with a chuckle, and then passed him a bottle of water.  

He shook his head, almost embarrassed. As nonchalantly as he could be, he asked “Who else is here?” 

“Jimin and Jisoo are upstairs, Jack’s on the couch, and Yejin just went to the bathroom.” 

Jungkook nodded his head.  “I thought I saw Y/n last night, did she end up coming?” 

Yuna smiled, “Yeah she did. I lost her during some time in the night, but she ended up going home with someone.” 

“Are you for real?” Taehyuung said with disbelief.  

Jungkook’s eyes widened in pretend shock. “Damn, good for her.” 

“Thank god,” Yuna huffed out and tore her croissant, “She’s been so uptight lately, I hope it relieved some of her stress.” 

“Dont be a bitch,” Yejin retorted. 

“How am I being a bitch?” Yuna exclaimed. 

“You know holidays are hard for her, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Yejin said defensively.  It was no secret that you’d get more tense around the holidays, especially given your situation.  Jungkook hadn’t known you long enough to notice that your melancholy nature was somewhat normal this time of year.   

Yuna realized it.  She shut her eyes in embarrassment and felt her cheeks flame.  “Fuck, I totally forgot that her parents-” 

“Yuna,” Jungkook cut her off. “That’s enough.”  

Jungkook had never spoken to the girls like that.  Never harsh or stern.  It was new to him, and it was definitely new to his friends. 

Jungkook had been friends with the girls for a while, but he was significantly closer to the guys. And knowing their proximity to you, Jungkook couldn’t fathom your closest friends not having any sensitivity to your circumstances.   

Taehyung and Yejin were just as surprised to see Jungkook speak up. They were unaware of your guys’ new friendship.  You both never mentioned to your friends that you’d been hanging out frequently and since you were both younger, it never dawned on your older friends that your friendship had blossomed.  They attributed his sudden spark to getting older, that he’d been growing up into a more mindful adult.  

“I’m going to shower,” Jungkook muttered before taking a bite out of Taehyung’s breakfast burrito.  He’d left the trio in shock but more importantly, he’d left with the bitter disappointment that you’d left him like a one night stand.  

Many thoughts played in his mind as he stepped into the shower, with you being at the center of most of them.  He didn’t know what this meant for you both, what you’d do now? If you even wanted to see him again.  

Jungkook made the decision to see you recklessly.  He didn’t want to put much thought into it, or at least the outcome of you not opening the door.  He’d ordered from Georgie’s again knowing that it was your favorite.  He vaguely remembered that Thai food sobered you up.  

And as you sat in front of him snuggled into your couch cushions, he mustered up the courage to say “What time did you leave this morning.” 

You didn’t give him an immediate reaction despite feeling your stomach drop to the floor.  You stretched your legs out and let out a sigh. “Around 6.” 

Jungkook watched you intently, “Everything okay?” 

“Just peachy,” you said with a laugh.  

He laughed at your ridiculous phrasing.  He was glad to know you were alright and much like you, he didn’t push it.  He wanted to ask why you left, what you thought, how you were; but he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth.  

He was comfortable like this.  He liked sitting with you and eating cheap food on your couch.  He enjoyed hearing your incredible knowledge of the Glee Cast and learned about all of the pop culture references that came forth because of it.  He was your friend, and he was afraid of what it would be like if he lost you.  

So no words were said.  You both just studied together and hooked up afterwards.  One of you would cook or bring food.  And you slowly started going over to Jungkook’s place because it was closer to campus.  

His roommate graduated in the fall, and since no one was there to disturb you, he took no time taking you home.  It was almost everyday until the day before Valentine's Day that he'd see you.  He’d told you he had a paper that was due and he couldn’t come over.  You didn’t mind. 

The next morning he showed up to your apartment with a bouquet of pink and blue hydrangeas and a brown teddy bear.  You remembered it vividly, “Don’t say I never gave you anything.” 

Afterwards, you’d see him at least four times a week.  He’d met Trixie, and he defiled you in her too.  Rainy nights after studying in the library he would take you the back seat and fuck you stupid.  But there were many times that he’d come over and just talk.  

He’d tell you about his fight with Jimin or about his childhood taekwondo studio or what his dad said to him on the phone.  He would ask for your advice, sing for you, tell you about a poem he wrote for one of his literature classes. 

Jungkook had even come to support you at your university’s research symposium.  You were the headliner but you were expecting silence after your speech.  Hearing Jungkook cheer for you and bring those around him up to clap for you made your heart swell.  You had expected that he wouldn’t be there, why would he?  But he was.  He had a bouquet of hydrangeas and lilies, your favorites, and a smile for you.  

Jungkook was so proud of you.  Hearing the announcers exclaim that you had multiple offers from the best MD/PHD programs in the country prescribed a pride that he wasn’t able to hide.  You deserved it all.  As a gesture of his pride, he gifted you a ring that night after dinner in his apartment.  It was gold and had your birthstone along with your parents’.  

“It’s a piece of them with you, wherever you end up going to school.” he said softly.  That was the first time he saw you cry.  You fell into his arms and kissed his cheeks.  You sobbed at his thoughtfulness, at him showing up for you, at the fact that you missed your parents so deeply.  It destroyed him seeing you so upset, but he was thankful to see that you trusted him as much as he trusted you.  

It was two weeks into March when Jin said something that made your blood run cold. You were at Hobi’s new house with your friends.  Jin had brought his girlfriend Nari over too.  Jungkook wasn’t there because his family was in town. 

You were sitting on the floor when you heard Jin say, “Jungkook went out on a date with Nari’s god sister Kora last week.” 

You didn’t react, you just watched as everyone else did. 

“Jin,” Nari hit him lightly and laughed, “Stop it.” 

“It went well, I don’t understand why we can’t tell them.” 

“Because it's not our business.” 

“It was a double date,” Jin countered, “That makes it our business.” 

Nari sighed at his antics and let him talk.  

“Did it go well?” Hobi chimed in while opening his sprite.  

“He went home with her,” Nari said in disbelief.

You felt nauseous now.  He slept with this girl.  It wasn’t like he couldn’t do that, you two weren’t exclusive.  And you’d never talked about it, what you guys were doing.  You couldn’t blame him for going out when you never set any boundaries.  

When you went home that night, Jungkook texted you. 

JK 

Are you busy? 

11:02 pm 

You didn’t respond.  Instead, you shut your phone off and took 2 melatonin gummies.  

Jungkook had a rather frustrating afternoon.  He got accepted into Stanford’s MBA program, which you knew about, and he was eager to tell his parents.  They were proud of him, but he couldn’t help but feel inferior when his brother was around.  

His parents paraded him as if he was humanity’s greatest invention, and they couldn’t understand how their words affected him.  Of course his brother didn’t mean to do anything on purpose.  All he ever wanted was for Jungkook to make the most out of his circumstances and maximize his potential.  He was elated to see that his little brother had been putting more effort into his future.  

He also noticed your name popping up on Jungkook’s phone.  You had met Jungkook’s brother once, at Jin’s birthday party last year.  You had quite the dynamic conversation about public policy and the role of government oversight.  He was pleased to see that his brother had found someone who believed in him just as much as he did.  

Jungkook didn’t know this.  He was oblivious to it.  And he needed you.  You centered him, grounded him in moments like these. You gave it to him straight and without bias, but you always made him feel important too.  When you didn’t respond he assumed it was because you were asleep.  He knew your social battery was limited, so he was proud to see that you had stayed at Hobi’s for the most part. You always kind of — Irish goodbyes.  You’d tell the host and no one else, apart from Yejin, about your departure.  

The next morning he arrived at your apartment with breakfast sandwiches.  He wasn’t as anxious as he was last night, but he desperately wanted to see you.  You were up already and you let him in without saying anything.  

He pressed a kiss onto your cheek as he entered your apartment.  He proceeded to unwrap the sandwich for you, as he always did, and wait for you to sit at the barstool.  This happened often when Jungkook had a lot on his mind.  He would watch you eat as he talked about whatever ate at him, and by the time you finished responding to him, he had already cleared his portion of food.  

He began by explaining how dinner went, how his dad made a dig at jungkook only getting a master’s.  He then proceeded to tell you about how his brother was planning on proposing to his girlfriend.  

“This was my night Y/n,” he breathed out with his hand brushing through his hair. “Why couldn’t they just give me this one night?” 

Jungkook watched you swallow your bite of food. “Real shit or comfort?” 

“Both.” He replied instinctively.  He always appreciated that you asked him how he wanted you to respond.  You were always so mindful about his feelings. 

“On some real shit, you need to talk to your brother.  I’m sure he didn’t mean to overshadow your achievements.  Maybe he’d been planning on telling you guys this then too.  I mean this trip has been planned for the last few months, and it's not like you four are together very often.”  

He digested your words, of course you were right.  It was entirely plausible that this was the scenario. “And from what you tell me Kook, your brother has always loved you and been in your corner.  I know you're both competitive but maybe you need to stop competing with him and just be his brother.  As perfect as you think he is, he has definitely had moments where he’s fucked up or didnt know what to do.” 

This was why he was so obsessed with you.  You told him everything he needed to hear without making him feel small.  

“You’re the best peach,” he said truthfully. His words manufactured a weak smile from you.  He caught it quickly, but didn't push.  He thought it was because of his parents, complaining about them.  He never wanted to cross the line with you but he was grateful you listened to him anyways.  

10 minutes had passed as you both finished eating.  You were both writing in the cross word section of the newspaper. 

“Jin and Nari mentioned that you went out on a double date,” you didn’t look up at him. 

Jungkook immediately tensed and a panic set into his nervous system.  You hadn’t looked up from the newspaper.  “Yeah,” he replied. 

“Did you sleep with her?” You cut to it quickly.  He was taken aback by it.  By everything.  You were looking at him now.  He hated that after all this time, he still could never know what you were thinking.  You were stoic, unfazed, but like always your eye contact destroyed him.  

“We didn’t have sex,” he said honestly.  You watched as he inhaled sharply.  “But we did do stuff.” 

You were grateful for his confession.  In truth, you were fully expecting him to say that he’d fucked her.  You didn't know whether you were relieved to hear it or not.  You continued filling in words, trying to pass the time as you collected your thoughts.  

“Say something,” he almost pleaded.  His voice was so low it was barely audible. 

You turned to him, “I know we’ve never really discussed the boundaries of our entanglement,” he felt his heart pound in his chest. “But it would be a disservice to either one of us to continue our time together if we weren’t responsible.” 

Jungkook couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  You had simmered down the last six months of your guys relationship to an entanglement.  

“I get tested consistently and I have only trusted that you’ve done the same.” 

STD testing, you wanted him to be clean.  That's what came out of your mouth.  It wasn’t that you cared for him more than you’d admit, or that you wanted this for real, it was STD testing.  

He cleared his throat uncomfortably.  You’d been getting tested consistently?  Were you also seeing other people?  Of course the thought crossed his mind.  He’d kissed Kora and another girl at the club with Taehyung after you’d gone home to see your grandparents a few weeks ago. He didn’t enjoy it, kissing anyone. He was drunk when he kissed the girl at the club, he didn’t know what he was doing.  At least that was what he told himself. But Kora, he was sure Kora had told Nari what happened.  

Last Week 

Jungkook didn’t even know why he was here. Her apartment smelt sterile, like a hospital. He told himself he would try for Jin, but he was bored out of his mind.  Kora was nice, but the minute she said she wanted to be a stay at home mom, he checked out.  It wasn’t that he thought stay at home moms were bad, he would gladly support you if that's what you wanted, but it was her lack of ambition.  She didn’t ask him about his goals for the future or what life meant outside of a career.  She didn’t ask him anything at all.  

When she’d kissed him, all he could think about was you.  She didn’t smell like you.  And when she pulled him in, he felt disgusted with himself.  He thought about you as she began to unbuckle his pants. When he felt her mouth on his length, he wished it was you.  

“Peach,” he whispered with his eyes closed, the vision of you on your knees for him played out like a movie. 

“Peach?” Kora giggled, “I like that.” 

Jungkook’s eyes opened and immediately, he grabbed her hand and pushed her off of him.  He watched her pale cheeks turn red with embarrassment. 

“I can’t do this Kora,” he breathed out almost as quickly as he pulled up his pants.  “I’m sorry.” 

Kora didn’t say anything.  She couldn’t.  By the time she’d registered what had happened, Jungkook was already out of her apartment.  

Now 

“Yeah I have been, I would never do stuff with you if I was aware I got something.” 

“Glad we are on the same page then,” you said impassively.  You’d finished filling out the word search, or at least your agreed 8.  Wordlessly, you passed it to Jungkook to finish.  You stood up and poured tea for the both of you.  It was a jasmine blend you got together at a tea shop after finals last semester.  

He didn’t understand how you were so phlegmatic.  He had no right to judge you for seeing other people, especially after what he had done. But it killed him, knowing that you had.  No, it was that you didn’t give him a definitive answer that screwed with his head.  He couldn’t bring himself to ask you, not when he never planned on telling you about Kora.  

That day, none of you spoke much.  The silence was different though.  The comfort masked the ache that both of you felt in your chests.  You didn’t touch him like you normally did.  You’d put your feet on his legs while you watched TV or stroke his hair while you read your paper. 

Your laser focus on your laptop was enough to know you were thinking about your final dissertation, but he noticed your distance.  When he left, he kissed your forehead.  The way he cradled your head was tender, it was unlike anything he’d done before.  

“Thank you for today,” he whispered.  You didn’t look at him. You could feel your heart beating out of your chest and you wanted to die. You were such a fucking idiot.  

“Mhmm,” you opened the door for him, “I’ll see you later.” 

He felt like shit. Everything about the situation made him feel like shit.  “Are you sure you’re good?” 

“Just peachy,” you smiled at him. It was fake, but he was convinced.   

“I’ll text you when I get home.” 

“Alright, drive safe.”  

And you closed the door the minute he turned his back to you.  You waited until you could hear him descend down the stairs before you started crying.  You held yourself as you slid down the door.  You were in love with him and he didn’t reciprocate it.  You hadn’t even looked at someone else while he had been with half the town. 

You felt so stupid.  

You and Jungkook didn’t see each other at all the following week.  You’d been busy at the tutoring center as midterms came and you’d picked up more shifts at the health center in anticipation for spring break. 

Jungkook had mentioned that he would be going with some of his university friends to Mexico and you had decided to go back home.  It was that Friday you went to his place.  You had planned to end it then.  It was almost Shakespearean, going inside just to walk out.  

You made his way through his apartment.  You greeted Thomas,  Jungkook’s doorman, like always.  You’d come over so frequently that Thomas knew your name.  You’d bring him homemade cookies or blind boxes for his young daughters whenever you could.  He was a nice man, you knew you’d miss seeing him.  

Exiting the elevator, you admired the new paintings management had arranged in the hallways.  You knocked on his door and not even a second later, Jungkook was there.  He sported a baggy shirt and sweats, typical for him. 

“Hey Peach,” the door opened for you to walk in.  You gave him a meek hello before walking inside.  You kicked off your shoes much like you always did when you were there. 

For a few moments, you watched as he cooked for you.  Both of you had bonded over your shared love of cooking and it was times like this that made you think about what you were doing.  Was this casual?  No —how could it be casual when he’d cry to you about his issues and come over just to lay with you?  

For the first time, Jungkook could see that something was bothering you.  Your eyes were open but nothing was there.  You were disassociating right in front of him and he could feel it, he was losing you.

“What’s going on?” he didn't skirt around, he wanted to be firm and assertive.  A trait he loved about you.  

Your eyes snapped from the stove to him instantly.  He never spoke like this, at least not to you.  

“What?” 

Jungkook laid the knife on the mahogany cutting board and rinsed his hands.  He patted them dry with the kitchen towel hanging from the oven doors and walked in front of you.  The kitchen island separated you two, but he was there.  In all the time you’d known him, he had never intimidated you.  But with his hands pressed firmly into the counter and concern etched into his face, you felt small.  

You didn’t understand why.  Was it because you’d let it go too easily or the fact that he allowed you to let it go?  Unequal, you felt unequal to him.  

“Real shit, I can see the neurons firing in your brain.  Talk to me peach, what's going on?” He was sweeter now, more like himself.  

“What are we doing?” your voice was quiet, almost timid.  You were sure your face didn't show sadness but instead harbored confusion.  

Jungkook didn’t know how to answer.  He’d been replaying that in his head for the last couple of months too.  You were both at an impasse now,  and he wanted you to keep walking with him.  

“I don’t know. I’m cooking for you, isn’t that normal?” His voice came out indifferent.  He didn’t mean it to come out that way, and there was an undertone of annoyance that he didn’t mean either.  He was unsure of what else to say or how to undo what he’d done.  

And he thought he saw you flinch at his tone.  

You had flinched because you weren’t expecting this.  You'd heard from your friends that Jungkook was some kind of womanizer.  That he never hung out with someone too long, never got attached, never stayed committed. You weren't exactly the poster child for love either. What had shocked you the most was how casually cruel he was.  He didn’t like being questioned, you knew that.  And for the first time, you recognized that this was his game and you didn’t know that you were playing until now.  

“Yeah, I suppose.” you said dryly. There was an emptiness in his eyes that you did not register before.  However, it was clear how onesided this was.  He’d never felt anything more than lust.  That winter you’d become friends was just a ploy to get into your pants. He got everything he could ever need.  Reassurance, sex, and someone who believed in him. “Do you have tea?” 

Jungkook swallowed hard before turning around and grabbing some tea from his cabinet.  His hands were shaking. He contemplated pushing it, doubling down and asking you what you wanted. And it doted on him, you deciding to walk away.  He’d spent the last six months not talking about it and it had worked.  He didn't know what had changed, especially if you were seeing other people too. He made your cup and started on dinner again and chose not to speak on it again.   

The two of you ate dinner at the kitchen table.  The silence was there again, but it was the more familiar one. “How is it today?” 

“Good, it's the best one you’ve made,” you wiped your mouth with the napkin.  Jungkook has a satisfied smile on his face.  Your praise meant everything to me.  

“I’m glad you like it.” 

“Mhmm, I like it with lettuce.” 

He nodded his head in agreement. Despite the obvious tension, he had missed you.  “You should stay over tonight,” he said casually.  

“Jungkook,” you muttered in disbelief.  

“What? It's been a while since you stayed over, and I won't see you all break.” 

“Dont you leave tomorrow morning?” 

“Yes,” he tried to convince you now, “You can drop me off at the airport in the morning, I know you’re not leaving till the afternoon so it all works out.”  

You thought about it.  You wanted to believe that everything was for something.  One more night  and then you were done.  

“I need something more convincing, Jungkook.” 

“How about,” he stood up with a smile and skipped to his freezer, “these?” In his hands, he had a box of strawberry shortcake bars.  They were your favorite.  You felt your heart twist at the sight, but the ice cream.  You loved ice cream. 

“You planned this didn't you?” 

“Actually,” he opened the package and walked to the table again.  “I’ve had these in my freezer for the past few weeks.  We’ve just been too busy to eat them.” 

“Alright,” you succeeded, still skeptical of his words. You watched as he opened the white plastic packaging and placed it near your mouth. 

You bit it, making him squirm. “You’re such a freak for eating it like that.” 

How else are you supposed to eat?” you deadpanned.  

“It is an ice cream bar,” he retorted back, “not a caramel apple.” 

“Oh fuck off,” you bit it again as he opened his own. 

The night came and went in a blur.  It was half past nine now.  You spent some time helping him clean up the kitchen. He was right in the fact that you’d been busy.  Your final dissertation had caused a dramatic lock in that made you almost feeble when you’d see him.  You didn’t even have the energy to watch Glee. You guys were barely halfway through season 2. 

Most times, you’d just sleep.  He always held you, even if he was playing games or doing homework.  He liked being the place you went to when you were exhausted.  He felt that way with you right after Halloween.  You'd come over and he would shower you.  There were massages involved sometimes, but sexually, it was you receiving.  He helped release some of your tension with his fingers or his mouth and never asked for anything in return. 

You watched as Jungkook went to the bathroom and turned the shower on.  You weren’t going to sleep with him, you couldn’t.  But you entered regardless.  His bathroom had been riddled with your things.  Your makeup remover, toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner.  He had pads and tampons for you in one of the drawers.  If another girl saw this, she would feel just as sick as you did.  

You stripped off your clothes and put your hair into a bun.  You stepped into his shower with him already standing under the water.  He looked so masculine like this.  It was something about his tattoos that came to life the minute he went under water.

Jungkook knew you’d stepped in with him, he always did.  You were so careful, making sure that nothing fell once you entered the tub.  He saw your hands reach underneath the stream and he felt your head against his back.  Despite the steam, he could feel your breath on his spine and it made him shiver. You kissed his back delicately.  Jungkook craned his head back at the touch and your hands made it to his own and held them tightly.  

You stood like that for some time before you began to wash his hair.  He was taller than you, but you could comfortably wash his hair.  He groaned at the feeling of your fingers running through his scalp.  He'd missed this, he'd missed you so much.  When you washed his body, you took him in one last time.  You felt every crevice, all of his muscles.  You worked the soap in as if it was a massage.  

Jungkook’s eyes had been shut for the duration of his turn but when he felt you adjust the water, he knew it was your turn.  You looked so beautiful like this.  He wished your hair was down so he could take his time washing it for you; he settled for a kiss on your forehead as he moved his hands along your body. 

Jungkook was hard, painfully hard.  But today had been gruesomely long and all he wanted was you beside him.  No sex, he concluded.  That was, of course, different if you wanted to.  He could never say no to you, especially if you came onto him.  

After he rinsed you, he held you against his chest.  Moments like this made you think twice about him.  He was tender, there was no agenda.  It was just him.  The shower ended with him kissing your neck softly.  He dried you off first, like always, and spread tooth paste on your tooth brush.  

You brushed silently, with his arm around your waist.  You leaned your head into him, knowing that you’d never let yourself do this again.  You wore his shirt to bed too, and he remained shirtless with some sweats on.  

You got into bed, the left side of course, and noticed the collection of hair ties he had. Rather, you left there in case you needed one.  It made you sick, seeing how much affection you had for him.  How naive you were then. 

He crawled to you, laying his head on your chest.  He let out a deep breath, one that meant he was ready for bed.  

“You’re sure you packed everything?” you asked quietly with your hand rubbing his neck.  

“Packed it all before you came,” he mumbled into your chest.  “I’m glad you’re here.” 

You wondered if he could hear your heart beat,  if he could hear it breaking into a million pieces.  You didn't say anything as you watched him drift into sleep.  A tear cascaded down your cheek as laid beside him.  You never thought it would be this difficult.  

When you woke up the next morning, Jungkook was already up.  He laid out a sweat set for you to wear, one that he bought for you.  You never liked leaving your clothes at his place.  You thought it was ill mannered, so oftentimes he would buy something a size smaller so you could have something at his.    

You got ready quickly and you grabbed what was yours before heading out of his place.  The drive there was longer than you guys expected.  He drove Trixie and he had a hand on your thigh. This wasn't the first time he drove her either.  

The airport was busy and parking at the gate was hellish.  You watched as he unloaded his bags and looked through his backpack one last time.  He looked so young as he rummaged through his things.  You felt a pang of sadness knowing that this would be the last time.  

Jungkook didn’t notice your disillusion.  He was elated you stayed and that he got to spend the night with you.  He met your eyes after shutting the trunk door.  “I’m going to miss you, peach,” he said quietly.  

“I’m sure you will,” you played back in an attempt to stop the tears from forming.  

He came closer to you and tucked your hair behind your ear.  He was trying to soak up every moment he could.  Tell me to stay, he thought.  Tell me to stay and I will, I’ll come home with you.  

But you didn’t.  You kissed him.  There wasn't a heated passion like there had been previously.  It was gentle and honest, it was real.  It was everything your entanglement wasn’t.  You broke a part and rubbed his face to hide the fact that you were shaking.  

“Enjoy yourself,” you told him with a smile.  

“It won’t be as great without you,” he replied truthfully.  

“You’ll manage,” you laughed a bit, your hands on his shoulders. “Go on, you’ve got a flight to catch.” 

“I’ll text you when I land peace,” he grinned and placed one last kiss on your temple.  “Have fun with your family.” 

“Have fun with Mingyu.” 

He let out a laugh.  God you knew you'd miss it.  He waved goodbye as he walked into the airport.  And you waved back. 

“Goodbye Jungkook,” you whispered to yourself sadly, tears falling from your eyes.  

You drove off and didn't look back. You felt the numbness sink in as you made it back to your apartment.  All of his clothes, notes, knicknacks he’d left at your apartment went into a box.  You kept a few things, but he was everywhere here. You’d let him fuck you on every surface, you danced with him in the kitchen under the refrigerator light, his first graduate school acceptance was on your couch and your last medical school acceptance was in his lap on your bed.  

You hated yourself for this. You'd never felt so disgusted.  How stupid could you be to believe that this would work?  You packed a suitcase for spring break and drove home.  You’d decided not to respond to him as you made your way down south.  The drive was rough enough and you texting him would’ve only made it worse.   

JK 

Landed in Cabo

6:53 pm 

Hope u made it home safe

11:56 pm 

Jungkook assumed you weren’t seeing his texts for many reasons.  E-sim being the big one.  Many of his friends weren’t able to text or call their parents, but he received his mother’s call quite easily.  Secondly, you were driving home.  He didn't think about anything else.  

You responded to him: 

Yes, I did. Glad the flight went well. 

Don't worry about me, enjoy your break. 

1:46 am.   

JK

See u in a week peach 

9:07 am 

You spent the rest of your spring break talking with your grandparents about medical school and lounging on the beach with your cousins.  You were happy to be home, you needed this.  Time away from university was well spent.  Yejin and yuna decided to come down for the last few days as well, and then you’d all drive back to the city together.  

Jungkook watched yejin’s story with you continuously.  You were serious when you said not to worry, and you hadn't even responded to his last text.  You didn't watch his stories either.  He wanted to tell you everything that happened.  How drunk he got on the third night and how he called Yoongi and told him about you.  He wanted you to hear it from him first that it got out, but he also knew Yoongi would never say anything.  Not to your friends, and especially not to you.  

He came back that Sunday morning with Yoongi picking him up from the airport.  He didn’t know when you were coming back to the city, and he didn't want to disturb you while you were with your family.  

“Hyung,” Yoongi said with a smile as Jungkook exited the terminal.  

“Yoongi!” Jungkook responded with a hug.  

They set his things into the trunk and headed back to Jungkook’s.  

“So,” Yoongi started with furrowed brows. “You and y/n?” 

“I don’t want to hear it,” Jungkook dismissed.  

“So you aren’t together?” 

“We are,” he said quickly.  

“And you guys have been dating since?”

“We aren't dating,” a bitterness evident in his tone. 

“Right, not dating but together?” 

“It’s complicated,” Jungkook leaned back in his seat.  

“Do you want to be with her?” Yoongi asked as they made it to his apartment.  

He didn't answer.  He knew he did, of course he did.  But did you? It was an entanglement after all. 

“It’s complicated.” 

“And that’s why you went out with Kora?” 

Jungkook huffed at him.  Why the fuck was he bringing her up.  “I tried for Jin, okay.” His hands hit his face in remembrance.  “I’m just not into her.” 

“Because you’re into Y/n.” 

“Yes.” 

Yoongi was silent now.  He could tell that Jungkook had made a mess of things.  He knew you were sweet and young, very young.  As smart as you were, he knew that this was something neither of you had the capacity to deal with.  You were both naive to think that this type of relationship would work.  

“So she knows you slept with her?” 

Yungkook’s face had never been more disgusted, “I did not have sex with Kora.” 

Yoongi moved his head back, not expecting that response.  

“Who fucking told you that?” 

“Nari mentioned that you went home with Kora after the date.  I’m sorry for assuming.”  

“Fuck,” he muttered.  All he could think about was you, how uncomfortable you must’ve felt amongst your oblivious friends.  If his closest friends thought he had slept with her, of course you assumed that he did too.  He felt his stomach drop as he was reminded of your face, of everything that happened afterwards.  

“Did you tell her that nothing happened?” Yoongi spoke up again, “That you and Kora didn’t do anything.” 

“That’s not true either,” he shut his eyes shamefully.  

“Oh,” Yoongi said to himself, “And she’s aware of that?” 

He nodded his head weakly. Jungkook couldn’t speak.  He felt disgusted by himself.  How could he do this to you, you were everything to him. 

“And you aren’t dating, there’s no label?” 

He nodded once more, his head on the dashboard.  

“You need to get your shit together and tell her how you feel,” Yoongi slapped him in the back of the head.  

“The fuck!” Jungkook held the nape of his neck.  

“You’re playing with fire Jungkook, and Y/n isn’t someone who will burn for you.  She’s not like you, she’s-” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he said darkly. 

“She doesn’t sleep around,” Yoongi was cold. As much as he loved his younger friend, he couldn’t help but be angry at his lack of discernment. Especially considering that Yoongi was also your friend.  “You may not have had that discussion because you were too busy trying to get ass from different people, but as far I know, she’s only ever been with one person. And now you.” 

The judgement hit Jungkook hard.  You'd never discussed past sexual partners before.  He didn’t care much and you never asked either.  But he didn’t know that you weren’t casual. He knew that you were busy, that you weren’t seeing anybody at the time, but he didn’t know that he was your only one.  After the entanglement conversation, he got the impression that you were also playing the field.

“It’s not just sex Yoongi,” Jungkook admitted shakily, “It’s everything else.  We were friends before we even hooked up, it just happened.” 

“You said you loved her.” 

Jungkook was brought back to the fragments of his phone call.  

“I love her hyung,” Jungkook said blissfully. 

“What? Jungkook, you're so drunk,” Yoongi laughed. 

“Y/n, I love her.  She means everything to me.” 

He did love you, he loved you so much he couldn’t breathe.  He hated himself for what he did.  He hated that it had to be this way. That he was too much of a coward to be honest with you.  

“Figure out what you want or leave her alone, Jungkook.  You both deserve more than empty promises and false hope.” 

Jungkook left Yoongi’s car angry.  A part of him was irritated that Yoongi felt the need to speak his mind, but the rest of him was perturbed that he was behaving this way. Yoongi was right, he was being stupid.  He knew that he should’ve told you how he felt on New Year’s Day, but he was afraid.  He was afraid that he’d lose you.  You were his best friend, his lover, his person; and it killed him that this is what he gave you.  

JK 

Hey peach

When you coming back into town 

12:14 pm 

You didn’t respond for two days.  You told yourself it was because you had decided on NYU and that you wanted to spend your last few days at home celebrating with your family.  However, you neglected to tell Yejin and Yuna.  You figured you would when the time came, but as of now, all you wanted to do was forget. 

You knew these last six weeks of school would be tumultuous.  You were set to travel to a different conference to present your research every week.  This was the last step of the journey and you could see the finish line.  It was like all those years of hard work had accumulated into these next few weeks, and as exhausted as you were, you knew you had to push through.  

Jungkook, I’m glad you got home safely. 

I dont think its a good idea for us to continue 

whatever it is that we’re doing. I fear we were

a bit in over our heads with this. We had fun, 

but it's time for us to end. I’d appreciate it if 

you stopped reaching out to me. 

8:44 am 

Jungkook was working out when he saw the message.  When you didn't respond he figured it was just you needing space and after his conversation with Yoongi, he gave it to you.  But this, a goodbye? That didn’t even cross his mind.  He didn't even finish his workout before hastily deciding to go home.  He needed to shower and see you, you had to be in town now.  

“Mr. Jeon,” a voice called out to him as he entered the building.  It was his door man Thomas. 

“Everything okay Thomas?” 

“Miss Y/n dropped this package off to you this morning and requested that it go in your mail box.  But since you’re here,” Thomas handed him the box, “I’ll let you take it.” 

“When did she drop this off?” 

“Maybe an hour or so ago.” 

“Thanks Thomas,” Jungkook said weakly.  When he made it up the elevator and into his apartment, he was perturbed to see that all of his things were in the box. 

The leather jacket he gave to you, hoodies, t-shirts, sweats, smiskis, his fidget dumpling he left at your apartment.  The teddy bear he got you for valentine’s day. Jungkook couldn’t stop himself from calling you, but it went straight through.  And when he looked at your instagram he couldn’t see it.  You’d blocked him on everything.  

“Fuck!” He threw his phone to the floor.  You were done, real shit.  

How? He knew that you’d been questioning things, but you stayed with him.  You drove him to the airport and kissed him.  You held him as he slept.  What changed? What did you find out?  

He couldn’t even call Yoongi because his phone was smashed.  He got into the shower and stood under the water.  All he could think about was you.  The last time you were there in the shower with him, it was perfect.  All the time you took washing him and holding him, that intimacy, did you really not feel it?  Sex had always been incredible with you, the best he had ever had.  But his sheets smelled like you, a miniature sized perfume was perched on his dresser, your toothbrush was right next to his.  

He had fallen for you the moment you told him that you believed in him, and now, your faith was gone.  You were gone.  

His shower ended abruptly as he thought about what he was going to do next.  He needed to see Yoongi.  That’s what happened, Yoongi must have said something and word got around.  

To say Yoongi was surprised that Jungkook was at his door at 9 in the morning was an understatement.  Jungkook had pounded on his front door, effectively waking up Jin and Namjoon too.  

“Jungkook?” Yoogni was confused, “What happened?” 

Despite his shower, Jungkook looked like a mess.  His red eyes and antsy nature made him resemble someone coming down from a dangerous high. 

“Who the fuck did you tell?” his voice boomed through the silent house.  

“Stop,” Yoongi snapped.  For as patient as he was, he didn’t not like being accused of things.  He had a thin veil of patience for those who aggressively pursued him. “Speak to me like I am your friend, because I am.” 

Jungkook huffed as Yoongi opened the door for him to come inside.  They made their way to the living room.  

“You told someone about Y/N and I, I want to know who?” Jungkook didn’t back down despite relishing in his idiocy.  

“I did not,” Yoongi replied as they sat opposite each other.  

“You did.” 

“I didn’t tell anyone about what happened.” Yoongi spat out, not appreciating Jungkook’s sudden abrasiveness. “It’s humiliating enough for her to experience this, why the fuck would I go around telling people how you fucked her over?” 

Jungkook was silent. His anger towards Yoogni was misplaced.  The only person he could truly be upset at was himself.  And it occurred to him that you were just as complicit as he was.  If you wanted more, you also chose not to act on it.  Both of you had chosen to stay silent. He didn’t appreciate all the blame being put on him.  

“We weren’t together so stop acting as if I’m the fucking bad guy here,” he spoke bitterly and the words came out of his mouth too fast.  He was talking before he could think about his words.  

Yoongi shook his head in disappointment.  He was ashamed that Jungkook couldn’t recognize how he had the upper hand in the relationship, whatever it may have been.  “Why are you here Jungkook?” 

Yoongi watched a flash of pain flicker in Jungkook's face.  Jungkook had pulled his smashed phone from his jacket pocket, and through the glitchy screen, Yoongi read the text.  Concern washed over him as he watched his younger brother spiral. “I swear to you,” Yoongi got up and sat next to him, “I didn’t say anything to anyone.”  

With a hand on his right shoulder, Jungkook cracked.  He hadn’t cried yet, he felt like shit but he didn’t cry. “It was good, we were good when I left,” he managed to get out in between sobs.  

“I’m sorry hyung,” Yoongi rubbed his back.  

“She blocked me on everything, gave me back all my things without even saying anything to me. She left it in a box with my doorman.” 

Yoongi was shocked to hear that.  He’d figured that you would walk away.  He knew you well enough to know that time was sacred to you, and from the amount of time you had spent with Jungkook, it wouldn’t be long till you realized that you were shortcoming yourself.  Although, he was surprised at your callousness.  A simple text and a wordless exchange of stuff was colder than he thought you could be.  Perhaps he didn’t know you well enough to know that when you walked away, you didn’t turn back.  

He didn’t know what else to say to Jungkook either.  Jungkook was very emotional, and seeing him cry wasn’t new.  But he was devastated.  His sobs anchored Namjoon and Jin to come out into the living room.  Yoongi tried to usher them away, trying to save the last of your humility, but they didn’t budge.  Instead, they sat beside the two of them and comforted Jungkook as he sobbed.  

Jungkook didn’t leave Yoongi’s house for three days.  He had missed the entire week of school and blamed it on his mental health.  He didn’t tell his three older hyungs everything, but enough to paint the picture of everything that happened.  They felt pity for him, seeing his broken heart made them saddened.  But they couldn’t exactly be upset that you walked away either.  

Namjoon knew you were seeing someone.  You mentioned it vaguely to him after Valentine’s Day, but he didn’t press it.  You were private about your relationships and you guarded anything important to you ferociously.   He knew you didn’t have sex casually and that small embrace and quality time was intimate for you. At the time, he was happy to see that you were doing well. It shattered his heart knowing that you had been mistaking your entanglement for an illusion of love.  

And Jin was both irritated and concerned for his friend.  He was upset that Jungkook had agreed to go out with Kora knowing he had feelings for you.  It was cowardly to do that and complete betrayal to both you and himself.  But he was equally concerned that neither of you felt comfortable enough to talk about what was happening with anyone of your shared friends.  Obviously, it wasn’t any of their business to intervene in the relationship, but it pained him to know that you both were dealing with the confusion completely on your own.  

The following weekend was Jisoo’s birthday, and Jungkook had been preparing himself to see you.  He’d contemplated going to your apartment multiple times only for Jin to tell him no.  He looked for you the entire night.  His eyes darted to the door every time it opened, but you never showed.  

“Where’s Y/N tonight?" he asked Yuna while they cut the cake.  

“She’s in New York,” Yuna told him with a proud smile, “She’s presenting her research at Columbia.”  

Jungkook grinned, he had forgotten that you’d be gone for the better part of the rest of the semester.  “That’s great, when will she get back?” 

“Honestly,” Yuna said with a mouth full of cake, “I’m not sure.  I think in two days, but I also know she’s heading to Seattle for another conference too.” 

“I’m proud of her,” he admitted to Yuna, and himself.  

“Me too. What about you Kookie, where are you going to grad school?” 

“I’m still waiting on NYU and Wharton, but as of now Stanford’s my number one choice.” 

Jungkook had spent the last few weeks thinking about that.  Obviously you knew where he’d been accepted so far, but it pained him to know that you weren’t around for him to tell you about it.  Much of his confidence in his academics was attributed to the time he spent with you. 

“Damn Kook,” Yuna grinned, “I’m happy for you.”  

“Thanks Yuna,” he appreciated her earnestness.  

The following weeks until graduation proceeded in a stalemate.  You didn’t show up to any functions or talk about him to anyone.  When Namjoon had mentioned that he’d seen you at The Brew, Jungkook almost vomited.  Everyone knew you were busy, and most of the guys knew that you were avoiding them, but your presence was missed.  

You didn’t avoid your friends on purpose.  You were busy, genuinely swamped with expectations.  And yes, you didn’t want to see Jungkook, but you were damned if you let him stop you from seeing your friends.  Yejin was hosting a watch party for some NBA game and it was partly because of Yoongi.  The two had become inseparable once they talked about basketball. 

You showed up, excited to finally see your friends after weeks of being MIA.  You entered Yoongi’s house, hollering hello as the door was opened.  Yoongi was shocked to see you, knowing everything that had transpired between you and Jungkook, this was the first time he’d seen you in a while. 

“Hi Yoongi,” you said with a plate of desserts in your hand.  

“Y/N,” he smiled, he gave you a hug, “It’s good to see you doctor.”  

You were early, like you usually were with parties.  You helped set up the last minute details while Yejin and Yoongi finished cooking.  Jungkook was already drunk when he made it to Yoongi’s place.  He swore he saw Trixie, but he thought he was just hallucinating you like he had done many times before.  He was late.  Jimin and Taehyung had to drag him out of his apartment to come.  He looked like a mess too.  They assumed it was because of graduation, that he was getting all of his partying out of his system, but they couldn’t be more wrong.  

He drank by himself to the point of blacking out.  And he only showed up to his finals, where he unexpectedly did exceptionally well.  He was graduating in five days with his grad party the following week.  But all he could think about was you.  He had taken to the university’s newsletter to see pictures of you presenting your research.  You were smiling brightly and he swelled with so much pride.  You wore the ring he got you and it only brought him more distress.  

The game was halfway through halftime when the three makenae stumbled into yoongi’s house.  They were accustomed to Jungkook’s recent drunkenness.  

“Ah shit,” Jungkook mumbled out hazily, “We missed the game?” 

“No dumbass,” Taheyung dropped him on the couch, “it's halftime.”  

“Ohh” he laughed to himself.  He closed his eyes, seeing your face every time he did. He smiled to himself.  

“Hey Tae,” he heard you say.  He thought he was hallucinating for real.   

“Ahh our doctor!” Tae exclaimed, “We’ve missed you.”  

You laughed as he embraced you in a hug.  You noticed Jungkook immediately.  He was drunk, embarrassingly so.  “I’ve missed you guys.  It's the first time I’ve been back for a full week in a month.” 

“Shit,” Jimin interjected, “Busy woman.”  

His cheeky voice made you smile.  They watched as your eyes traveled to Jungkook who sat grinning with his eyes closed.  

“He’s been having a lot of fun recently,” Jimin raised his brows.  

“I can tell,” you laughed awkwardly.  

“He’s fine, just needs to sober up a bit.”  

“I’ll let him do that.”  

When Jungkook heard your voice for a third time, he turned his neck and opened his eyes.  He saw your face, an awkward smile set on it as you turned back to the kitchen.  He blinked a few times to make sure it was real, that you were real.  He stood up and began walking towards you.  

He was stumbling a bit, enough for your shared friends to notice that he was up now.  

“Jungkookie,” Jimin held onto his shoulder, “let’s sit back down.”  

“No,” he drunkenly shook his head. “I must make it to the kitchen.” He got out of Jimin’s hold aggressively, and made his way.  Yoongi and Namjoon were by the stove talking about popcorn and you, you were talking with Jisoo while eating some chips.  Hot cheetos, those were your favorite he thought to himself.  

Jisoo saw him first, but everyone could smell him.  He reeked of alcohol.  “Jungkook,” Jisoo smiled. 

“Jisoo,” he said happily.  He recognized that she was unaware of what had transpired between you and him.  “Hey Y/N.” 

His voice sounded buttery.  Even piss drunk, you couldn’t help but admire him.  The liquid courage always amplified his baseline cockiness.  

“Hi Jungkook,” you remained calm.  You didn't want to give him the satisfaction of breaking.  

He felt a sudden pang of sadness seeing you react so nonchalantly.  Polite but nothing more, like all the time you’d spent together meant nothing to you.  Before he could say anything more, he tripped on the corner of the island and stumbled into you and Jisoo.  

“Shit,” he groaned, not registering his actions.  You had caught him, and held him up.  Namjoon and Yoongi carefully approached, not wanting either of you to do something stupid.  

“Damn Jungkook,” you said in disbelief, “You’re so fucking drunk.” 

Your words, although nothing out of the ordinary to your friends, felt like a bullet to him.  He was fully embarrassed that he was out of it.  You were holding him, propping him up like a rag doll and not because you missed him. A certain level of disgust was laced in your voice that only he managed to catch.  Your voice that was once sweet like honey was bitter, and he knew why.  He didn’t say anything, he was just dragged by Namjoon and Yoongi out of your arms.  

You felt numb as you watched Jungkook look back at you from Yoongi and Namjoon’s arms.  He was far gone, too far gone.  It wasn’t your responsibility to hold him anymore, it never was.  

Namjoon and Yoongi dragged Jungkook up the staircase.  They were glad nothing catastrophic happened.  When Jungkook was intoxicated, anything was possible.  

“It was really her,” he mumbled out, “She’s really here?” 

“Yeah buddy,” Namjoon said as he put Jungkook on his bed.  

“She’s mad that I’m drunk,” he told them.  

“I don’t think so,” Yoongi pulled his shoes off of him. 

“She only talks like that when she’s disappointed in me,” his voice cracked at the memories.  He knew you, he could never forget you.  

“It’s okay Jungkook, you just need to talk to her when you’re sober.” Namjoon tried to say.  

“She looked at me like nothing happened,” he said painfully, a tear falling across his face, “She won’t even look at me like she used to.” 

“It’s okay Jungkook,” Yoongi said, patting his head, “Everything will be okay.”  

Jungkook closed his eyes and saw you again.  Memories of you in his bed, dancing to Solange in his kitchen, and mouthing the words to songs in Glee showed up.  “She used to look at me like she loved me,” he admitted with his voice nearly inaudible.  

Yoongi and Namjoon held their breath.  After that first morning, they hadn’t seen Jungkook cry again.  They knew the alcohol was his coping mechanism, but a 2 second interaction between you two set him down a hole of depression.  They didn't understand just how bad things were.  

“Just rest,” Yoongi said to him, “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”  

Jungkook was half asleep when they left.  You however, spent the rest of the evening with your friends cheering on the game.  You noticed how Jin, Namjoon, and Yoongi spoke quietly amongst themselves.  Their eyes were on you as they spoke.  You knew Jungkook had told them.  You wondered if they would come up to you and ask you about it.  Despite being in a shared friend group, it was crystal clear to you that they would choose him.    

After the party, you made the distinct decision to distance yourself from them.  Of course, the girls were different.  Yejin, Jisoo, and Yuna had been your first friends since coming to the city, and you did not intend to destroy relationships because of a boy.  The following morning, you asked the girls to come over for breakfast. 

You didn’t know what you were expecting.  They knew that you and Jungkook had hung out before as you helped him with his applications.  And they also knew that you’d been seeing someone.  One weekend, Yejin had stayed over and seen the hickeys on your chest.  She noticed the husky smell that lingered in your closet.  Knowing you, she expected for you to not talk about it until it got serious.  

The talk was uncomfortable to say the least.  You expected them to be more understanding than they were. 

“So that guy on New Year’s, that was Jungkook?” Jisoo asked for clarification. She hadn't touched her croissant.  

“Yeah,” you breathed out shakily.  

“And you guys have been fucking since?” Yuna added, judgment in her voice.  

“I suppose,” you answered incredulously. Your response elicited an irritated look from Yuna.  

“Y/N, be honest with us.  Don't give us your weird half truth answers.” she responded aggressively, causing Yejin to hit her in the arm.  

You gulped at the interaction, not expecting them to be so hard on you.  “It wasn’t just sex.” 

“What do you mean?” Jisoo leaned forward.  

“It didn’t start out as sex and it didn’t end in sex.  We spent time together and hung out as if it were real dates.  The last time I saw him, we didn’t even touch each other like that.” 

Jisoo let out a sad sigh, this was worse than what she could’ve imagined.  “Are you comfortable telling us more?” Jisoo had always had a sensitivity towards you.  Everyone knew you were guarded, that you didn’t share unless it was necessary, so it was important that they try to understand where you were coming from.  

“Like I said,” you sipped your water, “It wasn’t always sexual.  Yes, after New Year’s we did start sleeping together often, but it was more than that. He would come over and just talk to me.  We would do homework silently or test new recipes after quizzing each other.  He would buy me things and take me places. He showed up at my events at university.  He did things that,” your voice cracked a bit and your eyes became glossy, “that a boyfriend would do.”  

“Oh Y/n,” Yejin put her arms around you and squeezed you tightly. 

“I ended it after Jin told us that Jungkook hooked up with Nari’s sister.”  You wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your hoodie.  

“Did you guys establish— I don't know, rules?” Yuna asked softer now, seeing your vulnerability. 

You let out a shaky laugh, “That’s why I can’t even be mad at him for it.”  Tears began to fall down your cheeks. “We didn’t talk about anything, at least not at the beginning.” 

Jisoo and Yuna got up from the barstools and hugged you tightly as you cried.  

“After Jin told us, I asked him about what we were doing and he was just— just indifferent,” you muttered uncomfortably. “It’s not his fault that I caught feelings and he didn’t.  I should’ve known that we were being stupid.”  

“I wish you would have told us sooner,” Yejin said quietly.  “You didn’t have to deal with this alone.”  

“I know,” you shook your head, “I just don’t want any drama between our friends.  What happened between Jungkook and I should stay between us, and I don’t want anyone to treat him differently for choices we both made.” 

“You’re too considerate,” Yuna noted, “Jungkook is our friend, but that doesn’t mean we want you in situations where you are uncomfortable.”  

You shook your head in agreement, “That’s why I wanted to tell you guys.  I don’t really plan on talking to the guys much once I go back home. It’s not because I don’t value them, it's just too hard with Jungkook being there.” 

“You shouldn’t have to do that,” Jisoo told her firmly, “We are all mature enough to just let it be and not be weird about it.” 

You sniffled a bit as you wiped your tears.  “He needs them,” you said truthfully, “He needs their friendship more than I do.  And I can’t pretend that seeing him doesn't make me want to die.”  

“Whatever you decide to do, we will support you.” Yejin squeezed you tightly.  

“Don’t be mean to him,” you laughed, “It’s not his fault that I wanted more and he didn’t.  We’re equally complicit in this.” 

“You give him too much grace,” Jisoo muttered.  

“I’m in love with him,” you admitted sadly, “ but I love myself more than to continue doing this shit anymore.”  

Your three friends frowned at your admission.  For as icy as you held yourself, they knew you had a tender heart.  The world had toughed you up at a very young age, and you protected yourself the only way you knew how.  They couldn’t fathom how vulnerable you must have been in order to let Jungkook in the way you described.  

You graduated with your PHD a two days later.  With your family in town, you choose for the girls and some of your school friends to come celebrate with you.  You thought it would be best to make it fair and not invite any of the guys, despite being relatively good friends with Namjoon and Jimin. You saw them in smaller outings before you went back home.  You’d decided that it would minimize the likelihood of Jungkook showing up, and it worked.  You moved back home without seeing him.   

Jungkook however, asked Namjoon, Yoongi and Jin how you were at every chance.  When he heard that you, Jin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jisoo had gotten dinner, he was anticipating a cordial invite.  He knew that you would eventually leave town after graduating and he was desperate to see you one last time.  

Jungkook had only found out you moved home when Yoongi told him at his graduation party.  He assumed that you would come, out of the sake of formalities, and he was on his best behavior.  He didn’t drink at all after seeing how perturbed you were last time.  He wanted to talk to you and tell you that he’d gotten into NYU, that he was going there in the fall.  That he was sorry, and most importantly, that he was completely in love with you. 

When Yoongi told him that you weren’t coming because you were moving home, he fucking lost it.  Outside of the luxurious restaurant his family had rented out for his party, he was yelling.  

“The fuck you mean she moved home?” he exasperated.  

“Jungkook,” Yoongi looked around, “You need to calm down.” 

“Calm down?” he laughed in his face, “She saw all of you and none of you thought it was weird that she didn’t see me?  That she fucking skipped town before saying goodbye.” 

“Jungkook,” Yoongi was serious now.  Jungkook was making a scene in the lot.  There were regular people watching as he had a tantrum. “I didn’t know she was planning to go.  She came by the house this morning and said goodbye to Namjoon and I.”

“You didn’t ask her if she would at least see me?” He questioned desperately.  

“You told us not to get involved,” Yoongi tried to reason with him.  “You said that it would only hurt her more if we intervened with what was happening.” 

He knew that Yoongi was right for not saying anything to you.  He was sure you’d never speak to them again if you felt like they were on his side.  With a hand in his face, “I didn’t even get the chance to apologize to her.”  

“I know.”  

“I never should’ve listened to Jin and just showed up at her door.”  

“Jungkook,” Yoongi shook his head, “She doesn’t owe you anything.  She doesn't need to hear your side or accept your apology.  Showing up at her doorstep would’ve only made her hate you.”  

“She already fucking hates me!” Jungkook cried out.  

“Jungkook,” a voice called out. It was Junghyun, his brother.  Jungkook sighed aggressively, not wanting to deal with any disappointment that would come out of his mouth.  Junghyun instead, looked at Yoongi who had a sad expression on his face.  He could tell his younger brother had been distraught.  

He grabbed Jungkook's shoulder and looked at him.  With bloodshot eyes and a runny nose, all Junghyun did was bring his little brother into a hug.  Jungkook was shocked at the sudden affection, but for once, he heeded your advice.  He hugged his brother back and cried in his arms for what felt like hours.  

“She’s gone,” his muffled voice called out.  

“Y/N?” Junghyun asked. 

“How did you know?” he croaked out, confusion etched into his face.

“You wouldn’t stop texting her when I came down in March.  I’m sorry hyung.” 

Of course his brother knew about you.  His two closest confidants were cut from the same observant cloth.  He didn’t realize how much he missed his brother until you came into his life.  He smiled weakly at his brother’s association, thinking about how much you’d done to get him to this moment.  

“I’m sorry too.”  

The rest of summer, Jungkook spent a lot of time with his family.  He did what he could to mend the strained relationship and did his best to apply everything he learned from you.  He didn’t stop missing you and his family could see that he lacked a certain lust for life he’d once been known to have, but they understood he was going through a heartbreak he wasn’t ready to talk about yet.  

He asked around one where you’d decided to go to medical school, and he figured either UCSF or NYU would be it.  But no one knew.  The girls had told them that they knew what had transpired between the both of you, and told him that you wished him the best wherever he went.  He knew they were lying about knowing where you’d decided to go, but he chose not to press it.  This was your boundary and he respected it.  He often wondered if you asked about him too, if you missed him the way he missed you. 

Little did he know, he’d see you in the big apple to ask you anyway.

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this is my first jk fic ive written since coming back to tumblr. a new account and new slate. i hope u guys enjoyed!