vi @nunuscheeks - Tumblr Blog

Nov 13, 2021

sincerely yours.

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after.

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+

tags/warnings. slight profanity, cyberbullying, mentions of car accidents + injuries, mentions of abortion, mentions of suicide

notes. 10.6k wc. the series is baaaaack, and i’m back too :p hope you guys enjoy this first chapter. can’t wait for more drama to unfold soon. let me know what you think <3

series masterlist -> episode two

Back in New York City, it always felt like you were living in a movie scene. You were a humble Gwen Stacy without a Peter Parker, staying at a duplex apartment in the Upper East Side together with your adorable son and his combo of snow white hair and sky blue eyes. Aside from the fact that Gwen Stacy never had a child, the only similarities you had were your long coats and knee-high boots. But with that analogy, wouldn’t it be better to compare your life to other movies set in NYC like The Devil Wears Prada, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, or 13 Going On 30? After all, you spent the last two and a half years in Manhattan taking classes in fashion and merchandising, and raising a newborn baby as a workaholic single mom. Being in a big city made you realize that it was the perfect opportunity to focus on your dreams and earn your independence as a fresh start away from the Land of the Rising Sun.

New York was a city full of dreams. It was a place close to your heart, so close that you could still imagine the urban scenery whenever you closed your eyes—the iconic yellow cabs, the skyscrapers in Wall Street, the neon lights in Times Square, the fashion houses in SoHo, and to be honest, the list could go on. The city boasted of diverse people, culture, and food, but even after spending nearly three years in this vibrant city, how come your heart was still constantly seeking for Tokyo?

Before anyone could lay down the question, you already asked it to yourself; was it the place or the person that you yearned for? And needless to say that the said person was, in fact, someone you had divorced and left behind. You found it pathetic how you cried on the day you gave birth to your son, dialing your ex-husband’s phone to finally admit the truth, but stopped yourself out of fright that you wouldn’t be able to escape the memories of your past marriage. You found it ridiculous how you forced yourself to move on, and in return, fell in love with a friend who consistently acted as your solace from the heartbreak that consumed you. You found it shameless how you agreed to his proposal on New Year’s Eve in the middle of Times Square for the very excuse that you wanted to start new with someone else.

As life continuously offered you two roads, you always seemed to take the wrong path. Wrong choices. Wrong decisions that brought a domino effect of terrible things that extended back to Japan.

Now, slowly uncover those dominos in a manner that would let your audience keep up with your life: your guilt led you back to Japan because you couldn’t keep your son in New York for the rest of his life → you unexpectedly met the father of your child on your wedding day where he told you he still loved you → your uncharacteristic reaction was to run away from your groom while walking down the aisle → your ex-husband got into a gruesome car accident while your marriage supposedly went through. Tragic enough? The damn domino hasn’t even reached the peak yet.

The next hit of this chain reaction was the paparazzi and their duty to stick their nose into your business because the whole country was interested to hear about your runaway bride moment and your ex-husband’s coincidental car crash. It reminded you of that one time in New York when you saw how a Hollywood celebrity got harassed by paparazzi while she was off duty. Back then, you sympathized with how she had to go through the swarm of white flashes that completely disregarded her right to privacy. You even remember thinking how awful it must actually feel to be extremely famous like her as you casually pushed your baby’s stroller inside Nobu. You were nothing more than a bystander to the celebrity whose private life was not respected in exchange for satisfying the world’s curiosity.

You clearly manifested the same fate as her because Japan was no different when it came to scandals concerning famous personalities (not that you consider yourself famous). Ironic as it may be, you were now in the shoes of that Hollywood actress despite the distance of 6,739 miles from Tokyo to New York.

On a seemingly normal afternoon while you were walking on the street with your takeout submarine sandwiches, a paparazzo spotted you and attracted the rest of his camera-holding fellows with the end goal of capturing your face for them to sell into various media outlets.

“Y/N, Y/N! Was Satoru Gojou really invited to your secret wedding with another CEO?”

“People are saying that he got into an altercation with Toji Zen’in. What can you say about it?”

“Is it true that you married Toji as revenge for Satoru’s infidelity?”

“Why did you remarry so quickly?”

Oh, you must have forgotten one more thing you missed the most about New York—you were a complete nobody there. You were a nameless person without the prestigious label of being one of the two heiresses to the Creston Financial Group. You didn’t have any controversies linked to your name nor did you have the image of a divorced wife of a conglomerate’s Chairman and CEO. Not even two months ago, you could easily walk around 5th Avenue in New York City minus the crowd of men shoving their cameras on your face.

That was not the case anymore.

“Please stop following me,” you made a silent plea as you used a hand to cover your face while hastily walking across the street. If not for your sunglasses, you would have gotten dizzy from the amount of camera flashes disrupting your vision. All you wanted was to buy your employees a quick meal for their hard work and not have all these hordes of men following your tail for all the wrong reasons. “Get out of my way, please.”

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t you love the attention?”

“You should clear yourself up while the general public have their eyes on you.”

You felt suffocated from the sound of the shutters going off. Air refused to enter your lungs and you could feel vomit rising from your throat as the questions and vile remarks kept echoing in your ears from left to right. It was a miracle that you could still walk straight despite the anxiety coursing through your body. The only time you ever had the chance to breathe again was when you finally managed to enter your fashion studio where you immediately hid away from the intrusiveness that nearly caused your panic attack. It would be considered trespassing had they tried to step further into your office so you took your escape with gratitude albeit feeling sorry for the uncomfortable situation you have also placed your employees through.

“Oh my God! Miss Y/N, are you okay?” It was your intern, Nobara Kugisaki, who approached you at the reception area where you were visibly catching your breath. “You should’ve asked me to go to Subway instead.”

You exhaled deeply and offered a smile, soon handing the bag of sandwiches for her to distribute to the team. “No, it’s… I’m okay. You guys were busy and I wanted to personally get something for all of you. I just didn’t expect that the paparazzi would show up today.”

Based on the clicks and clacks of her heels, you knew that your close friend and fashion merchandiser, Utahime Iori, would show up from the corridor with a worried look at you. “Why on Earth didn’t you have your bodyguards follow you?”

“It would have attracted more attention. I’m totally fine, so don’t worry,” you lied with a convincing smile, walking further inside the studio and nodding to the rest of the employees who all asked if you were okay. There was nothing to worry about for you have suffered worse than this before. Back then, it was your ex-husband’s acidic words that tormented your soul over and over. Now, it was the stalking and disrespect to privacy from strangers that you have to deal with.

As you headed back to your personal space, Utahime followed you behind and closed the door by the time you found your seat on the couch. She was crossing her arms, standing on the corner with a disapproving gaze. “I think you’re forgetting that you’re in Tokyo now. We don’t live in New York anymore, Y/N. People here can probably recognize your shadow.”

You took a sip from your coffee and tried to regain your composure. How could you still even have the audacity to feel at ease in this situation? You were truly, absolutely shameless for acting like everything around you was as normal as you believed. How could things be okay when your current reputation could give your employees all the reasons to look down at their boss? You were aware that your image was affecting the company before it could even formally launch, but you still wanted to check how everything was progressing while you were at the summit of your ill-fame.

“How’s the E-Commerce team doing?” you inquired, distracting yourself by reaching for the portfolio above the coffee table. “Do you think we can manage launching the brand by the end of the month?”

“We need more time,” was Utahime’s candid advice, “I’ll be honest with you, it’s not good for Hearte to launch when the Creative Director is literally in the middle of a controversy.”

“Publicity is still publicity,” you joked.

But she didn’t see humor in it. “Y/N, I’m dead serious. Do you know you've been on the trending topic for the past two weeks?”

“What’re they saying this time?” You tried to sound blasé about the topic of public criticism, but you still ended up checking your phone to browse through the comment section on an article about your infamy as a runaway bride. That was how you discovered that more people seem to be invested in your private life instead of minding their own.

‘Your first marriage failed and now you ran away from your second one. Seriously, girl… maybe you’re the problem LOL’

‘Isn’t it weird that she’s after two of the top CEOs in the country?’

‘Satoru Gojou must have had a good reason for cheating on her. She seems fake!’

‘This is why you shouldn’t trust filthy rich women like her. She’s so f*cking dramatic.’

‘Toji should dump her quickly. Haha!’

There was no truth to their callous words, but with the impact it had on you, they might as well have showered you with a thousand knives. Or killed you with a thousand stones. It was easy for outsiders like them to spew vitriol on social media because they could easily hide in anonymity behind their screens. You, as the recipient of their cruel and unfair criticism, had to suffer sleepless nights with a heavy heart thinking about the guilt that was eating you alive. None of these people had any idea about the life that you suffered with while you were married to Gojou, and even if you may have done selfish and reckless things yourself, it wasn’t fair for them to assume things just to have something to gossip about. You existed merely for the entertainment of other people and your sorrow was their euphoria. Whether you stayed with Gojou or not, whether you married Toji or not, you still wouldn’t have the general public by your side because why would they defend an apparent rich, entitled brat like you? They used to cheer you on when you were portrayed as the wife who had been a victim of infidelity, but now they had easily switched sides and left comments that made you feel so low to the point where you just accepted the fact that the whole word was against you since day one.

This was the exact reason why you left Japan.

Had you stayed three years ago and let yourself be surrounded by the attention of the netizens while you were pregnant with a heart condition, there was no doubt that it could have led to your miscarriage and Sachiro would have never made it into this world. It was bad enough that you had a weak heart, but you could never heal from the pain if anything gravely awful ever happened to your son.

Sachiro was your strength and purpose in life. He was every piece of you—your heart, your soul, your vessel, your happiness. Instead of showing him your vulnerabilities, you decided to remain tough on the outside because he didn’t deserve a pushover mother. You already managed raising him alone while juggling your schedule around your career and that was something you hardly even expected you could achieve by yourself. You’ve made sacrifices for your son, for his peaceful life, for his good health, but at the far end of the tunnel, no one would understand your personal life experiences minus the prejudice of being a rich family’s daughter and a CEO’s ex-wife. You were demeaned as a spectacle for the world to jeer at because they could only see the surface level of your life’s truth.

“They don’t even know anything,” you mumbled, shutting your phone and blinking rapidly in the same minute, “It doesn’t matter what they say. I don’t want any delays. We all worked hard preparing for Hearte to launch as a brand and I’d hate for it to push back because of me.”

You could hear Utahime’s sigh as she sat on the couch adjacent to you. “Y/N, you need a break. I know none of this is your fault so I think you just need to focus on yourself for now.” She reached for your hand and cupped it on hers. “I mean, you can’t expect yourself to be perfect when you have so many things to deal with. Have you even spoken to Toji yet?”

“No.” The hammering feeling in your chest returned as you were reminded of how your fiancé hadn’t bothered responding to you ever since you ran away from the wedding. No matter how busy Toji was, he never once ignored you until now, but could you really blame him for doing so? “He hasn’t answered my texts and calls. I’m just... scared that he hates me now.”

Utahime tilted her head to the side. “So, you guys haven't talked at all ever since you ran away?”

“I don’t even know why I ran away,” you insisted, averting your eyes from meeting your friend’s intent gaze so it would be easier for you to release your bottled feelings, “I think the thought of getting married again just overwhelmed me. It’s like, I had these flashbacks of myself as a wife. And while I was walking down the aisle, I-I was thinking about Gojou and that’s messed up, you know? I’m getting married to Toji and another man is in my mind.”

As much as she wanted to agree, Utahime chose to be a friend who would sugarcoat things for the sake of your peace of mind. “Well, he suddenly showed up at your wedding so your reaction is normal. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sure Toji understands.”

He would. You knew he would understand and that was the saddest part of it. Toji was also human and he had the right to feel upset with you when you were the one at fault. What hurt so much more was realizing that you just ruined the friendship you two had built through the years because of this one life-changing incident. He had been there for you every time you needed him, and yet you couldn’t be there and fulfill your promise of exchanging vows with him at the altar. Perhaps the nasty things that the people were saying about you in all those articles were true. You see, you didn’t just ruin one man. You ruined two of them. One, whom you insensitively gave the false hope of a devoted marriage and the other, whom you unsparingly abandoned for three long years without any explanation. No wonder the whole country saw you as the common denominator to your failed relationships, because in the first place, how stupid could those succesful men be to get pulled down by a woman like you?

“Y/N.” Utahime managed to cut you out of trance after uttering your name twice. “About Gojou, are you planning to see him in the hospital soon?”

You wished silence was an option, but thinking about Satoru’s condition was only digging a deeper hole into your chest. It was terrible enough that you teared up when you first heard about the accident and it was worse when you found out that he was in a coma. Remembering the last words he had told you was torturous to your soul because you never expected that coming back to Japan would lead you and him to this situation, where he would never get the opportunity to properly meet his son and where you would never get the chance to apologize for hiding the fact that no abortion had actually happened. His situation was a bigger problem piled up on top of another, like a jenga stack only extending higher and higher to the point where completely escaping it was the only resolution.

But you couldn’t escape the third time around. It was about time you faced the problems you caused一for yourself, for the people you’ve hurt, for Sachiro.

“He’s still in the ICU,” you answered after a moment of silence—the tug in your heart feeling more intense every second, “His mom doesn’t allow visitors until he’s more stable.”

Sympathy was visible in Utahime's eyes. “It’s gonna be hard for you two to co-parent when we don’t even know if he’s gonna make it,'' she said without realizing how her words sent another pang to your chest, “or even if he does wake up, he might end up too shocked to learn that his child is alive. You think he can even manage living through that?”

“I should’ve told him when I had the chance.” You bit your inner cheeks while lost in thought. All the could haves, should haves, and would haves entered your head as you imagined his comatose body on top of a hospital bed with no guarantee that he would still wake up at all. That Sachiro might actually lose the chance to meet his father because you deprived both of them of nearly three years worth of a father-and-son relationship. The tragic image alone was enough for tears to gather on the corner of your eyes.

“Take it easy, okay? You have so many problems coming at you like huge flames right now, but the fire will die down soon.” Utahime rubbed your shoulder to extend her comfort. “I can’t imagine how you’re holding on. You have this wedding issue with Toji, you have some things to fix with Sachiro and his father, and you also have a brand to launch all at once. It’s gonna be really difficult, but I hope you know that I’m always here for you no matter how tough the journey may be.”

You squeezed her hand in gratitude and made sure to voice out how you felt for her, “I appreciate you so much, really.”

If there was anyone in the world that you could rely on aside from your family, Utahime was one of the people that you would always be grateful for. Your friendship extended beyond your career aspirations and further into personal relations. She may not have had the chance to properly meet Satoru yet, but Utahime already knew so much about the man after you told her the details concerning your past marriage, which was also essentially the reason you moved to New York. Not once did she judge you nor your relationship and the decisions you’ve made. She always offered her ears and listened to your sentiments without the judgement of a stranger, but with the sympathy of a friend. She provided the same comforting presence that reminded you of Toji and perhaps that was why it was easy for you to connect with her.

And following her recent advice to go home and relieve your growing stress, you spent the rest of your afternoon discussing the brand’s business plans and then left work an hour early to come home to your main source of joy. It was a mother’s instinct to look for her child the first thing after a long, tedious day at work and seeing Sachiro running to meet you at the foyer was a breath of fresh air. How could someone so small create an impact that was actually big? It was like all your problems would disappear the moment you saw his smile and your heart just wouldn’t cease from jumping as your toddler looked up at you with his cerulean eyes.

Eyes that reminded you of your very first love.

“My baby!” you cooed, crouching down and spreading your arms wide so he could embrace you, “How’s my little boy? Were you a good boy to your nannies?”

Your toddler obediently nodded, pecked your cheek, and extended his arms to be carried by you. “Mama, carry!”

Time must have flown so fast because you didn’t remember Sachiro being that heavy when you did pick him up and let him snuggle you close. He had always been a big, healthy baby so you considered that it was normal for him to get heavier as he grew. It was clear that your son took after his father and you wouldn’t be surprised if he would end up growing six foot tall one day just like Satoru. For now, you adored just how you could still lift him into your arms, allowing him to hug you tight. “Give mommy a kiss again.”

Sachiro did as told and planted another quick kiss on your nose, flapping his arms in delight afterwards. “Mama, can I have milk please?”

“Of course, you can.” You nuzzled your nose against his, something Satoru liked doing to you when you were pregnant and also something you had picked up while Sachiro was in the early days of infantry. As you leisurely walked inside the mansion, your heart was at its slowest beat after you thought of how the man had been unaware all this time that his son was alive and well. Would it crush your heart if he had rejected your son’s presence now? To what extent did you have any right to ask him to partake in your son’s life when it had been your decision all along to separate yourself from him entirely?

Don’t get confused, you repeated the thought yourself like a mantra. It was enough that you rejected him at your second wedding, and it would be the lowest of the lows for you to expect that his relationship with Sachiro would be smooth sailing when he got into an unfortunate comatose state. And if he did wake up soon, how would he react knowing that he had a son? How would he view you through the lens of an ex-husband who was abandoned by his wife for three long years? Legally speaking, lying about the abortion could put you to jail or earn you hefty fines for the emotional damage you may have caused. This was the reality that Ian talked you out of when he convinced you to try and settle things with Satoru amicably. But then again, three years ago, you were in an irreparable state. You were distressed and absolutely at the brink of falling apart that the only way to save yourself and your baby away from the doomed marriage was to completely, unsparingly cut your ties with the toxicity that the Gojou family brought along.

You were never proud of the way you handled things back then, but it was futile to mull over something you couldn’t simply erase. Like Gojou, you were only human. You let your emotions and trauma get the best out of you (or the worst, in this case). What you could do was to hope for the best and work on co-parenting with your ex-husband for the sake of your only son. However, before all of that could happen, Satoru must first be in good health to allow himself a better role as a dad.

“Sachi,” you ran your fingers through your son’s white hair and cupped his cheeks as he drank from his milk bottle. Long, icy lashes fluttered slowly at you the moment you opened your mouth to continue, “do you remember when I said you’re gonna meet daddy when we go to Japan?”

The little boy nodded, sitting above the counter while you stood at the edge to hold him. Sachiro had always been aware of who his real father was. Despite having never met him in person, you showed him photos every now and then so he could recognize the face of the man that carried his strong genes. It was understandable for a baby to look for a paternal figure in a household that was different from what was considered normal and your consistent excuse whenever Sachiro asked you the question, “Why is dada not here with us?”, was that mommy and daddy were not together anymore, but were both very happy to be his parents. Of course, he processed the thought with a toddler’s brain and he thankfully hadn’t started questioning why you and his father were not together or why you had to live far away or why his mother was not ready to meet the man that produced that very child with her. All he knew was that his father had to stay in Japan for business.

Luckily for you, Sachiro was a true angel in disguise. He was a cheerful baby with lesser-than-normal tantrums and so he carried no form of resentment to a father he was yet to meet. In fact, he had always been enthusiastic at the sight of Satoru’s pictures or at the stories that Nina would tell him about her ‘cool and handsome’ uncle. While your baby may have gotten his physical looks from your ex-husband, he certainly inherited your soft-hearted personality. He was so easy to please that even the little things could paint a contagious smile on his chubby face.

“Mommy, Nina-chan said dada is like Sleeping Beauty,” your son brought up in storytelling form, temporarily holding the bottle away from his face as his innocent blue eyes grew wide.

You gently caressed his cheek and gave him the assurance, “Daddy will wake up soon. You wanna come with mommy so we could visit him?”

He hummed in response and swung his feet excitedly. “O-kay!”

For now, among your other gazillion problems, another one aside from Satoru was to be dealt with. It was a dark-haired hunk with a vertical scar on his lips who was striding towards you after arriving at the mansion with Ian and Gen. Have you mentioned it already? You were living with your father again in a mansion where Gen's family also stayed. It was the best place you could live at since you wouldn’t have to worry about leaving Sachiro during the day with the amount of maids that could look after him. Other than that, you didn’t exactly feel right moving in with Toji yet since the marriage never pushed through. It would have, but you had cold feet while walking down the aisle and now you couldn’t even feel bitter about the detached glance he was giving you. It was a rightful reaction that you brought upon yourself, so you couldn’t miss the way he avoided your eyes before heading to carry your son.

“Uncle!”

“Sachi.” Toji grinned at the giggling little boy and easily raised him up.

Although there was tension between you and him, he didn’t let Sachiro feel that complication in your relationship. He cared for him like his own son and had no problems treating him like usual because Toji was never a person with an irrational mind. He was thoroughly understanding and unselfish, and yet with all those kind traits, he was still wronged by the person he was supposed to marry. It was an awkward situation to stand against the kitchen counter while Toji happily spun your son around, leaving you in silence next to Gen who communicated with you through eye movements. The direction of her gaze went from your fiancé and onto you as if she was urging for you two to talk it all out. Why were they even with him? Did Toji perhaps meet with Gen and Ian before arriving at the mansion? Was he officially going to end things with you today?

Your heart was pounding from your chest, so loud that you could feel the vibration in your ears.

Ian noticed that familiar look on your face after he grabbed a coffee from the machine, soon walking towards his wife while gesturing his chin over at you. “You’re overthinking again,” he pointed out and wasn’t wrong with his assumptions, “By the way, I’ve already talked to my brother and he’s working with the best people from the firm to ensure that the paparazzi have no legal right to harass you or follow you around.”

So they saw this morning’s incident. You were ashamed of the fact that they might have read all the negativity surrounding you in social media right now, especially the way people were villainizing you without knowing the truth. “Did they release my paparazzi photos from today?” A sullen sigh escaped your lips. “I bet people are writing under those articles again.”

Gen was enraged at the reminder. “Yes, and they’re saying nasty things when they don’t even know the whole fucking story. I can’t even—”

“Hey, relax.” Ian placed a hand on her shoulder. “Look, Y/N. Stay away from social media whenever you can. Don’t worry about the articles. They won’t be getting enough attention soon. We’ll take care of it and we’ll source those people inciting this defamation against you.”

You silently acquiesced in your brother-in-law’s advice shortly before Gen offered another, “And you need to talk to Toji. He has something important to tell you.”

Right. Did that something important translate to breaking up with you? As your sister took the initiative to take Sachiro with them to give you and Toji some privacy, you couldn’t help but have your heart in knots. Little words were spoken as you led him to the balcony, closing the door in humble silence while waiting for him to finally turn to you. That assessing look in his verdant eyes made you feel small under his stare.

“My love, you’re here.” It was obvious that you were putting up a front when you were actually dying to run to his arms and hug him. “You should have told me you were coming.”

Toji didn’t move an inch closer and instead, leaned his lower back against the balustrade, “I wasn’t planning to stay long. How have you been?”

Miserable. Tense. Dejected. It was a plethora of negative emotions swallowing you inside, but you did your best to look externally fine at the very least. Were you still not aware that your fiance could easily see through you after having known you for years? He had told you before that you were an open book to him and that he could read through the smallest changes in your facial expressions. But instead of making an effort to rebuild your tainted relationship, you were the one who ought to fix it, not him.

“I’m okay,” you answered his simple question, stepping closer to wrap your arms around his torso, and pressing your ear against his hard chest. “I’m sorry, Toji. I’m really sorry about—”

Although hard to believe, even Toji himself couldn’t resist you. That even if he had all the right to break up with you after you humiliated him at the altar, he still couldn’t find it in himself to be blatantly mean to you. He proved all that by saying, “I understand why you did it.” His chest vibrated as he spoke in a deep voice and you could feel his hand gripping your arm to pull you away from him. “I was the one who asked Satoru to meet you before the wedding so I’m responsible for whatever happened to us after that. I thought it was the only way to confirm that you’re really ready to marry me and that you’re not just seeing me as someone who could fill up a void. Clearly, I didn’t think it through.”

“No, no, that’s…” Your eyes refused his words as you increased the distance and looked up at him, but neither did you continue to deny the truth knowing that lying would only make things worse. You had to take the blame instead of him because he wasn’t at fault for anything. He was wronged, humiliated, rejected in front of his family and yours. If anything, he should be yelling at your face or calling you names. “I don’t know why and I don’t wanna find an excuse for running away, but I was just scared. It’s not about you, it’s more about being in another marriage that I was afraid of.”

Then why lead him on by accepting his proposal? Why make a promise about a future with him when you were far too scared to commit? Why, of all people, did you have to hurt someone like Toji who had been nothing but kind to you?

With these never-ending questions in your head, Toji was the one who erased the tension by shifting into a colder stance. That one small movement gave you the heaviest pricks inside, but you had considered his feelings in this situation and how it wasn’t easy for him to place so much time and effort in perfecting a wedding that never ended up happening. He saw his future with you, expected a happy marriage with you, and dreamed of starting a family with you. Yet, here you were, being the storm that ruined his sunshine. But instead of criticising your actions, he made it clear that your halted marriage was not what he wanted to talk to you about. He seemed to have another underlying motive for meeting up with you. “I have to go soon,” he informed before continuing, “I’m really just here to tell you about what Megumi admitted to me last night.”

Megumi? You couldn’t understand why you had become so nervous. “What is it…?”

“He said Satoru saw his son.” Not another minute was spared as the revelation left his lips and you were struck by news that led you to a paralyzed state. The gush of memories from that wedding day came to haunt you back like film strips passing your vision from the present to the past. Could the reason why Gojou had gotten into an accident be more than just the aftereffects of your remarriage? You were holding your breath as Toji continued speaking, “They crossed paths after Megumi tried to carry Sachiro away and he’s saying something about the depressed look on Satoru’s face. Like he knew the second he saw Sachiro that the child’s his and he looked utterly devastated.”

There was weakness at the back of your throat that you couldn’t dare to hide. “Wh-What do you mean he—?” No, no you shouldn’t cry about your ex-husband in front of your fiancé. “Toji, I was going to tell him the truth. I just couldn’t that day, he… he stopped me.”

Megumi clearly must have hesitated letting you know about it with the belief that you would beat yourself up for leading Satoru to that car crash. Safe to say that he made the right judgement because you could barely handle this news days after it happened. The gravity had fallen on you with Earth-shattering magnitude now that you were aware that you led someone you used to love to an accident that could ultimately change his life. You didn’t want this to happen. This was not your intention when you hid your baby from Satoru, solely for the reason that you wanted to completely move forward on your own until you were ready enough to be involved with him in a civil, less romantic relationship again.

Was your heartless decision the reason why he was in a life-and-death situation right now?

“You don’t need a dictionary to understand what an accident means,” Toji made a point after he seemed to have heard your internal monologues of self-reproach, “You never wished for him to go through all of that, but you just have to tell him the truth from hereafter. I don’t mind you patching things up with him for Sachiro’s sake.”

Although you respected the distance that Toji was placing, you still looked up at him with a gleam of unconcealable sadness. “I’m sorry if this puts us in an even worse situation.”

“Between him and I, he needs your full attention more. At least until he’s emotionally stable to understand why you kept his son.” As always, your fiancé knew when to step back and put his pride aside in order not to hurt those around him. He was hurting himself too for allowing you to take care of the man you promised to have already moved on from, yet he had no other choice but to just accept the way life was. His maturity was so admirable that hurting him would have the pain bounce back to you tenfold.

Though, out of worry, you had to ask a question with doleful eyes that refused to meet his moss greens, “We’re still together, right?”

When he took the longest minute of his life to decide with an answer, you thought it was best to turn away, but he gripped your wrist and pulled you for a quick yet reassuring kiss. A kiss where his warm lips were merely brushing against yours, but enough for you to taste the cigarette on his breath. Don’t get it wrong, though. Kissing you was evidently his way of showing that your status as a couple was still as complicated. Or questionable, in that regard. “I don’t know. Let’s talk about us at another time. We both have so many things to deal with first.”

You swallowed your pride and looped a finger around his pinky. “I love you, Toji.”

Were you a masochist? Because you should have known your place when his mere response was a sympathetic smile. “I’d rather you not say words you don’t mean.”

You could barely remember the last time you slept alone.

Ever since you had Sachiro, you had gotten used to waking up in the middle of the night whenever he would burst out crying during his infancy, either because you had to breastfeed or because his diaper had to be changed. There were many instances where exhaustion almost made you give up on your life as a single mother, and there were moments where you wondered how easy life would’ve been if you still had your baby’s father by your side. After all, Satoru was a completely doting husband if you didn’t think of his past mistakes, but it was also not good for your mental health to be around someone who reminded you of constant gut-wrenching pain. His presence could only worsen your postpartum depression, so as much as you wanted to call him on certain nights where you needed the father of your child, you learned to stop depending on him in order to raise your baby alone.

That was how life was for you within the past three years.

It wasn’t your plan to keep your son away from him for the rest of your life. You were just waiting for the perfect time when Sachiro wasn’t as fragile and when you had already gained your independence to not fall back into that overly selfless woman that you used to be. It took you years to fix the broken pieces of yourself that Satoru had destroyed within the span of your short marriage, but you never once considered that maybe he had been going through a tough period, too. Maybe he was suffering twice as much as you. You had no way of knowing how he was doing since you didn’t hear from him after you divorced because you cut off all forms of contact that he had with you—at first, you did it out of spite, but later, you did it to keep your peace of mind for some time. One of the reasons why you decided to move back to Japan was because you had this belief that you had completely healed and it would no longer be a problem to eventually reveal the truth about your hidden son. It just didn’t occur to you that an unfortunate twist of fate would ruin the plans you had in store.

How were you going to co-parent with Satoru when there was no guarantee that he could get better after the incident?

How would he know just how cute his son was when he was in a state where his six senses were restricted? You hoped Satoru could soon get the chance to have Sachiro like this at night—where he would lay on your chest and suck on his thumb, peacefully sleeping while listening to your heartbeat. Those long white lashes were identical to his dad’s and it warmed your heart to think of what a sight it would be to see the father and son next to each other.

You may have already signed your divorce papers, but there was still a lingering part of you that wanted the best for him. You have long accepted that you two weren’t meant for each other, yet you would still be happy to see him living a decent life on his own. It would have been much more ideal if you two just didn’t have that lifetime connection in the form of a child because then maybe it would have been far easier to separate yourself from him entirely. But as all kids were considered blessings, Sachiro was a gift you couldn’t ever take for granted. You saw parts of Satoru in him just as you saw bits of you in his personality. Your precious angel was the byproduct of the hopeless love you had for your ex-husband despite the amount of pain you had to go through in your marriage. To take such a precious kid away would might as well put your sacrifices to waste.

“Good night, mama.” Your toddler hugged his teddy bear closer, eyes drooping as he finally entered dreamland.

You gave him a soft kiss on the forehead, raking your fingers through his white hair before you tucked him under the duvet. “Good night, my baby.”

Most of your night was spent with hours of overthinking. You just couldn’t think of how prepared you actually were to visit your ex-husband in the hospital just after knowing that he actually met his son by accident, and in turn, must have messed with his mind so terribly that it led him to an inevitable car crash. You concluded that the only way to distract yourself from the overwhelming guilt was to read through the hateful comments under the articles, considering that it would be a form of self-punishment to go through some of the harsh words being thrown at you by all these anonymous people.

‘I really supported her when Satoru Gojou’s cheating scandal first came out, but now something just doesn’t feel right about their setup. Why are you being dramatic about your remarriage?’

‘They made her look like a complete angel when she’s probably a b*tch.’

‘F*ck, she’s not even pretty. I’d find it easy to cheat on her, too. LOL.’

‘Wasn’t she seen hanging out with Toji Zen’in while she’s still married? This woman needs to stop victimizing herself when she’s not as innocent.’

‘What’s with the comment section? You people switch up so fast. At least be consistent with who you support instead of jumping into conclusions.’

If things were this bad because you simply ran away from your wedding, how much more had they found out that you actually lied about terminating your pregnancy in order to hide a child?

Funny how there was only one person on your side among the hundreds that were against you. Did they realize how much their words could put someone into depression? Merely reading about how cruel they judged you was more hurtful than expected and it forced warm tears out of your eyes as you shut your phone and stared at the ceiling. Why did these people hate you with such passion? If they hated you because you remarried quickly, then did they also consider that maybe you were marrying someone you already trusted? If they hated you because you ran away from your second wedding, then did they also consider that maybe you gained trauma from your last marriage? Maybe they hated you because you were simply you. A privileged, unattractive woman who could get any man because she had money. If Toji, or even Gojou, had gone through these comments, would they have also agreed?

You would have kept crying until midnight, but your phone started ringing and you had to scramble in bed just to answer the call from the person you had been waiting for days to hear from.

It was Satoru’s mother.

“H-Hello?” you stammered as soon as you picked up the phone, “Mom?”

“He’s been transferred to a private room,” her voice was lifeless from the other end of the line, telling you that her son was no longer in the ICU, “We’ll be accepting visitors soon. If you even care enough to see him, you can go tomorrow.”

The indifference in her voice felt like a slap to your face, but you ignored the squeeze in your chest and spoke to her with humility, “Thank God! That’s good news. I’ll go visit soon.”

Unfortunately for you, she just couldn’t meet your energy. “Sure.”

“Um, is he awake?”

“He’s not.”

“...Oh, I see.”

“...”

“Can I ask how he’s doing?”

“Better, more stable. Listen, can we talk tomorrow? I still have to meet with his doctor.”

You swallowed hard. “Okay, mom. I’ll drop by in the—”

There was no chance given to finish your sentence because she already hung up. You dreaded having to face her soon while it was crystal clear that she had been acting aloof towards you ever since Satoru had gotten into an accident. She had her own reasons for being that way, especially when her only son was on the brink of never returning to his normal life all because of you. You had known Satoru’s mother since birth and you were familiar with how protective she could be for her son just like any mother would—you understood exactly how that felt when you finally had the chance to become a mother yourself. Mothers share their children’s pain and you witnessed this firsthand from all the women in your life, whether it be your mother, Gen, and now, Satoru’s mom. Some women tend to be self-sacrificing when it comes to the people they deeply care about and you were once a living testament to that. You were once on top of that scale where you had to endure living in a loveless marriage that destroyed your femininity as a whole.

To put it into perspective, you were a heroine when you lived in New York. But back in Japan, no matter the timeline, it seemed like you would always be the villain in everyone’s eyes.

It was true. Just like Satoru, you had been selfish, too. Just like him, you had done unforgivable things, too. For your child’s sake, you chose to leave your spouse behind and let him live in a false pretense that his child was not alive. You didn’t know how to make up for your own reckless decisions and neither did you have an idea on how you could turn things around for the better. You wished you could stay in your comfort zone of being the victim of lies and infidelity in order to have a rightful reason to turn a blindeye to your ex-husband’s three-year throes. However, the devastating reality might soon end up spawning the selfless, pushover version of yourself because you couldn’t afford causing more mess to the people around you.

How and where do you start?

That was a question you ceaselessly asked yourself when you did go to the hospital the next day, holding Sachiro’s hand and unaware of how fidgety you were as you walked through the corridor. This very hospital had been a witness to all the drama that unfolded in your life—from when your mother died, when you discovered your illness, when you saw Sera going out of the OB, when you lied about terminating your pregnancy, and now with Satoru’s recent incident. Just how many more episodes of heartache and sorrow would you have to see in this place? Three years had gone by and you could still feel nostalgia from the white fluorescent lights and the antiseptic smell that hung around the air. Something about the unwelcoming atmosphere brought goosebumps to your skin and you hoped that your innocent toddler would not notice any quake in your voice to expose your trepidation.

“Mama,” Sachiro’s hand tugged one of your fingers, urging you to look down at his doe eyes, “are you okay?”

You cursed yourself inwardly as your son nevertheless ended up seeing the reflection of unease in your gaze. Still, you hid any perturbation behind your smiles by the time you stopped outside of Satoru’s private room. The little boy touched your cheek when you crouched down to rub your nose against his, “Yes, my baby. Are you ready to see daddy?”

His nod was immediate, but also hesitant. For a child who was seeing his father for the first time, you were the one who was carrying a heavy heart inside. Or perhaps it was only pulled down by the gravity of your guilt as you thought of how undeniably cruel it was for you to have only allowed your son to meet his father nearly three years after he was born.

It was now or never. All you had to do was gather enough courage to step inside, but your quick moment of pulling yourself together was cut short when your ex-husband’s mother walked out of the room, eyes wide and heavily tired as she processed your presence in her head. “Y/N…” Her voice faltered as her gaze trailed down to the kid clinging onto you, eyeing you and your son in both devastation and disbelief. The way her chest rose and fell in heavy breaths was a message that she was neither happy nor angry. It was somewhere in between. “This… This is Satoru’s kid? My grandson that you hid for three years?”

You held your breath as you got up and encouraged your toddler to greet his grandmother. “Sachi, say hi to your grandma.”

Although shy and intimidated, Sachiro put his tiny feet together and offered a courteous bow to his grandmother, something he had learned when you taught him how he should pay respect to his elders. “Hello, gramma!”

The hard shell that covered her exterior had immediately turned soft at the sight of the little kid who looked like a carbon copy of Satoru as a kid. Her eyes gleamed in sadness at the fact that she had no idea all along that such a child ever existed for her to meet. “You…” She squatted down to meet his height, cupping his cheeks while tears accumulated her eyes, “Darling, you look just like your daddy. Do you know who your daddy is? Did your mother even tell you?”

Sachiro shot you a dumbfounded look because his juvenile mind didn’t exactly understand the depth of the situation, so you took the chance to rub his hair in comfort before you nervously spoke to your ex-husband’s mother. “He knows who Satoru is, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you that I’d bring him along,” you said, attempting to clear the tension, “Sachiro wanted to go see him in person that’s why—”

“Why now?” She cut you off with a strict voice, the sympathy in her eyes fading into apathy. “Why did an accident have to happen for you to allow my son to see his kid? Did you not think of how much he yearned for his child? Did you not realize how much he… he… all the things he did after you…”

You couldn’t meet her eyes, not when you knew you would cry. “I’m sorry.”

Out of consideration for the poor child, she must have realized that it wasn’t the perfect time and place to throw her festering resentment towards you. It was obvious that she was keeping her anger inside for the sake of keeping a peaceful atmosphere around your son and you appreciated that she respected the child’s innocence in all of this. But with whatever storm she was planning to send your way soon, you were prepared. You had seen the worst case scenario in your head when you stayed up last night, and you were partially ready for the hurtful words or even a slap that she might give you.

For now, she stepped away from the door and used her palm to wipe the tears staining her cheek. “You can go in. He’s in a coma so you still won’t get to talk to him anytime soon.”

With her permission, you took a deep breath and wrapped your hand around Sachiro’s smaller one while you took quiet footsteps leading inside the spacious room.

How exactly did it feel when you finally saw Satoru’s unconscious body on the hospital bed?

It was torturous. You couldn’t understand why you carried such strong feelings for an ex-lover, especially at the very sight of multiple injuries in his head. He was lying unconscious with a breather to his mouth and a couple of bandages on his head and on his arm, showing the damages that the car accident had led him to. There was that indescribable pain crawling inside your of heart as you walked closer to touch his cold fingers, desperately seeking his warmth in spite of the darkness that left him insensate. Satoru, I’m here, you wanted to whisper. I hope you wake up soon.

His face was still achingly beautiful after all these years. You could see his face in Sachiro every single day, but it was still different to look at the very person who was once bound to you by marriage. It was different to look at the man you kissed day and night, dreaming of a happy future when you two used to hold each other close under the duvet. You swore to yourself that you no longer have any marital feelings for him, so was this pity that you were feeling? Was it truly just sympathy? Then, why was it so hard for you to let his hand go as tears gathered in your eyes?

You realized that Sachiro was having difficulty processing the image of his father for the first time, especially not while he was unconscious in a hospital bed. He kept his distance from him as if afraid that the stranger could harm him even in his sleep, and you felt bad that you were responsible for the reaction he was showing towards his own paternal figure.

“Don’t be scared, baby,” you encouraged him to step forward, squeezing his small hand and caressing the soft skin with your thumb.

Hesitance lingered in your little boy’s innocent eyes as he took his time holding on to you, edging his feet, and clutching the strap of his teddy bear backpack before pointing towards Satoru's bandaged head. “Dada has a boo-boo!”

A small smile formed your lips before you picked him up and had him sitting at the edge of Satoru’s bed, “Yes, go kiss dada’s boo-boo so he gets better soon.”

“‘Kay.” Sachiro immediately leaned in to plant a soft kiss on top of Satoru’s head and it was the sight of the father and son that had you tearing up. It wrecked your soul to see that they had to reunite this way when he wasn’t fully aware that your baby was next to him. This was your little family together—a family that you had broken apart because you decided that it was better for you and him to not be tied by the committal relationship of a marriage. The impact of seeing him this way was dangerously heavy to your sensitive heart. As for your son, he had seen Satoru’s face plenty of times before and found it easy to be comfortable around him now. “Dada, wake up.”

Only the dissonant sound of the machine could be heard within the four walls of his room, making the silence unbearable for his ex-wife and long lost son. You made an effort to grab both of Sachiro’s hands so you two could cup Satoru’s cheeks at the same time. “Satoru,” you spoke silently, voice cracking with pain, “if you can hear me, our baby’s here now.”

On the corner of the room, you saw his mother covering her mouth as she peeked at her only son’s family. Agony painted her face in vivid blues as though she was sharing Satoru’s pain inside—a reaction from someone who had never left his side when you did. The poignant moment made her emotionally vulnerable and you were primarily the cause of it.

It was easy to tell that there were so many things she had to say still, but for now, she held back. For now, she let you and Sachiro have your space.

But when you returned to the hospital the next day without your son to keep people from being hostile towards you, you saw how you would be on the receiving end of people’s resentment.

You hadn’t even taken another step further inside the room when Satoru’s mom faced you again, a mixture of pain and anger clouding her gaze as she stood in front of his bed, keeping you from coming closer. “Why are you back? Isn’t one visit enough?”

“I just wanted to check on him…” Your gaze trailed off to his bed, noticing how Suguru and Shoko were on the couch staring at you. While the latter was looking at you worriedly, her fiancé was sending sharp glares your way. “I’m sorry if I interrupted anything—”

“Y/N.” Satoru’s mother eyed the emotions on your face. “I know he hurt you. I know what he did to you was wrong and I understand you were angry, but to… to keep his son away? To marry another man without giving him closure? To reject his efforts in trying to at least speak to you? You deprived him of a chance to be a father! You deprived me of a chance to meet my own grandchild! Y/N, I’m a mother, too. Do you know how it feels to see him crumbling down and thinking he deserves to die for hurting you? While you’re living your life in New York, did you know he was back here attempting to end his own life?”

You took a deep breath to keep your heart from pounding. Although you became lachrymose from the information you were hearing, you tried your best to keep it together. “I-I didn’t know that he was….”

“Do you really believe he’s like this now because of a car accident?” Her vision must have become hazy from the buildup of tears. “This isn’t the first time he tried to kill himself because of you, Y/N. He thinks his son died because of him! He suffered from depression and I had to isolate him with me in Osaka, away from everyone, just so he can leave this godforsaken place that reminds him of you.”

You balled your hands to suppress your pain from showing, digging crescent marks on your flesh until you could numb yourself from the sting brought by your guilt. “I’m sorry, Mom… I… I really had no idea.”

“Please don’t call me Mom.” She shook her head, massaging her temple with one hand while pacing back and forth. “I’ve known you since you were a baby, Y/N. I’ve had a good relationship with your mother, but I never thought you would become this spiteful.”

It took you by surprise when Shoko tried to speak on your behalf. “Auntie, please see it from her perspective, too. She was desperate to stay away from him during that time.”

“Don’t get involved in this.” Satoru’s mother wiped her tears and glared at Ieiri. “What kind of friend are you to lie to him for three years? Were you aware of this too, Suguru?”

Getou denied it albeit drowning in both remorse and a misguided sense of anger. “No, I wasn’t.” He sent Ieiri a questioning look. “I can’t believe you’d fucking side with her instead of our best friend. You lied to all of us!”

“Even if I tried to tell him, we lost contact with Satoru and you know that,” Shoko reasoned, “None of us could reach out to him for the past two years.”

Suguru found it distasteful. “But do you see what kind of reflection it shows of us as his best friends?”

Warm tears escaped your eyes long before you could stop them. “No, please don’t get mad at Shoko,” you begged for their understanding, “I’m all to blame. I made her lie about terminating my pregnancy and I also promised her that I was going to reveal the truth to Gojou myself after a few months. Ieiri didn’t think I’d drag it on for three years.”

The dark-haired man scoffed at you. “It’s disgusting that you can still face him like this,” he spat out his words with venom, “Are you happy that he’s suffering now?”

“No.” You looked down in desolation.

“Suguru,” Ieiri tried to stop her fiancé from lashing out at you. “Don’t.”

You understood where his anger was coming from. It was because he didn’t have a chance to know what was truly going on with Satoru during those years after believing that his son never got to live because of him. Suguru couldn’t be there to comfort him as a best friend because Satoru had been away to heal alone by himself, just like you did. But between you two, the man was trying to commit suicide while you were forming a new relationship with another man at a faraway place.

You could see it now. You truly became worse than he ever was to you. You had become selfish, not for your son’s sake, but because you simply wanted to destroy him. What right do you have to sob in front of his mother when they were rightful to feel angry towards you? You talked so much about being hurt by what Satoru did, but you didn’t realize that you hurt him a thousand times worse.

“Even if you have a child together,” his mother began, “I don’t want you for my son anymore. This is enough. I could even have him gain full custody of his child.”

Swallowing your pain inside, you kept a sincere gaze at her. “Auntie, please don’t.”

But it was futile to reason with her because she had already decided. “I know you have access to the best lawyers, but I’ll make sure Satoru will—”

“Wife…”

That familiar voice didn’t come from anyone else in the room except for one person—the only person with shining blue irises staring at you as he weakly tried to remove his breather. Silence filled the thick walls of the room, leaving all four people stunned at the sight of a newly-awakened Satoru Gojou.

“My wife.” He had all of you at a loss for words while his eyes only searched for the woman he believed he still loved. “Let’s go home.”

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DID THIS MAN JUST WAKE UP

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