Prior to it, I reluctantly severed a portion of cherished habits, bounded by their whispers of "safety". My heart shattered discreetly, and I bore the weight of excruciating pain in silence. If only you understood, my gem.
Your first letter evoked such profound emotions within me that it brought me to tears—tears I had to suppress while discarding the copy. I know that one day I may not be ready to face the uncertainty ahead, yet I will surrender to Allah with unwavering faith.
As a result of the incident, the price I have paid—both physically and emotionally—has been significant. Yet, alhamdulillah wa syukru lillah for all the tests I've faced.
As of today, I am still working to forgive myself for my own reluctant actions. I know you encouraged me to let go, but the truth is, it still hurts. I wish there was an alternative, and Allah knows. Allah truly knows.
Miraculously, Allah revealed to me that my reluctant efforts were not in vain when the incident occurred. I cannot deny that it somehow bore fruit. Allahu akbar. Yet, my heart bleeds even more.
In times of uncertainty, you are my constant worry, day in and day out. However, on the day the incident unfolded, you caught a glimpse of my worries—my daily concerns for you. And I experienced, even if just for a moment, the quiet burdens you carry each day. For that, alhamdulillah, kullu kheir ya Rab.
Since that incident, everything has changed. The more I strive to be strong, the more fragile I become. You urged me to let go of my steadfastness, reminding me that you are part of it. In doing so, I felt pushed away and burdened by my own guilt. Now, I’m torn between continuing to fight for what I believe in or stepping back for your sake. I stand humbled, for the love of Allah and for you.
There’s a hidden treasure I’ve never known— until you appeared, a godsend, my little gem. How did I find myself shattering my own rare shell, opening up to deep care, love, and worry? You hold a secret place in my heart’s quiet space. My precious one, I ask Allah to keep you near Him, to shelter you under His divine care.
The light of my life, in the whispers of love that bind us, we both long for the profound connection with our Creator. Submissively asking Him to safeguard our Iman and draw us ever closer to Him, the Creator of all that exists.
My little gem, my sunshine; my son.
- the story of 20240906, before, during and after.
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