i donāt like where my mind goes at night.
my head takes a step back while my heart magnifies. it dares, so audaciously, to conjure these dreams, these fictional realities that seem so far away from my grasp. i donāt like it. i donāt like the person it turns me into because thereās no one to contain her. i melt, like a liquid, like silver in a flameā with no mold to encase me. so out of touch with who i am in reality.
it makes me realize the core of who i am hasnāt changed, has it? all that darkness and i still bleed red. all that coldness and i hate myself when iām not as cold as i want to be, when emotions claw at me unwelcome. God, it eviscerates me, and there i go, putting on the best show of my life like iām not torn apart. even to myself. i am both performer and the audience. but itās those nights when the two meld together and create this new, nebulous shadow thatās out of my reach that i despise it all. i donāt want to lose control over myself like that. except i do. i want it gone. i want a mold, a case, a chest where i lie like limp treasure, no matter how rusty.













