Nyraphel

I’m just a silly little writer sharing a book that hasn’t made print yet. This is Evergreen, enjoy <3 Instragram:@nyraphel

[nyraphelfromgrace]

It’s listening to you laugh and being happy at least one of us is familiar with it.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

So this is how it ends? On an ordinary Tuesday at 8:09 am.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

If I cover myself on all of the things you love, would you look at me then? Would you hold my gaze and allow me to become one of those things?

[nyraphelfromgrace]

I will never have you.

But your daughter will have my name.

So in a way you’ll always have part of me while I am forever reaching for you.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

I often wonder if I should have committed and been less scared of the consequences because the fear I hold now is nothing compared to the fear of death. With her at least I’m less bothersome.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

i like to give people the chance and hope i’m wrong

i will perpetuatly give people the benefit of the doubt when all they have provided me with are doubts

[nyraphelfromgrace]

Someday soon, when someone’s tongue tastes my skin again my body won’t tense, my skin won’t burn, and I won’t feel the pressure of several evasions that melted into consent. Someday soon, I’ll feel safe in a first time with someone and I’ll feel safety meet my body in a warmth that will be kind, and patient and genuine. Someday soon, I won’t have the same experiences because someone will hear me and respect me enough to let it go and not guilt or try to persuade me when things don’t feel right. I know this because I’m worth that much and I deserve to give myself the gift of something as simple as human decency when I previously felt I was unworthy.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

And suddenly, I remember the exact blue of your eyes. But I don’t remember them ever looking at me like that.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

And I kept thinking why do I hold onto your clothes if I don’t even remember how they held onto you? I don’t need to keep weaving reasons to hold onto it anymore.

I don’t know you anymore

[nyraphelfromgrace]

In my life there are things that you have touched that will always hold your fingerprints and I hope I’ll always remember the pattern so I remember you’re there even when your not completely

[nyraphelfromgrace]

nostalgia will keep you in endless loops of disappointment

[nyraphelfromgrace]

watch how i remove myself so thoroughly from your life that you question my existence at all

maybe then you will have a taste of what it felt like for me.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

i fear i will always be the person you meet before you find forever and that is my curse.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

that night when i was on the phone with one of our mural friends she said that the ems people told her that for five minutes you looked around and that for five minutes you had a chance of coming home. sometimes i find myself wondering if you were scared in those last five minutes. if you knew death was coming. i wonder if you felt all the pain that your body must have been in. but it was only five minutes for us, how long was it for you? did your life flash before your eyes? where you satisfied with what you saw? did you have regrets? dreams you realized would never come true? you died during surgery and i still wonder why you didn’t make it out. i wondered if you chose to go, if you saw no point in continuing. for at least five minutes i think about you. if i put every one of those five minutes together and gifted them back to you, you would have had a full life with all the time it accumulated to. i think of you often and i hope you weren’t scared. i choose to believe you were brave even then.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

the softness of their voice held me prisoner. i nearly fell to my knees ready to beg for them to whisper so my ears alone could horde the perfect melody that felt so close to home.

[nyraphelfromgrace]

the words where on my lips but i couldn’t push them further so they stayed there turning bitter on my tongue

[nyraphelfromgrace]

sometimes when the world is quiet i sit in silence and feel my emotions drain from me like water in a sink and i wander if i was ever full to begin with or if it was just the projection of your own feelings that circulated through me.