I don’t know how or when it happened, but you took a piece of my heart, and for the life of me, I can’t seem to take it back.
We both have a habit of leaving things left unsaid, and it’s a habit I don’t think I’ll be breaking anytime soon. You’re happy, and I guess that’s what it all really boils down to. So instead of finally actually telling you all of these things, I’m writing them here.
My crush on you started in the sixth grade, on our class trip. We were next to each other at the top of the lookout tower during the night hike, and your hand brushed against mine, and you smiled at me. I realized then how pure your smile is, and I wish you’d show it to the world more. Later, someone tripped and fell on me, and when I bumped into you, you caught me and made sure I was okay. I was so scared you’d make fun of me for being clumsy, but you didn’t, and it meant a lot.
After that, you were always in the back of my mind. In eighth grade, I think it’s fair to say we were finally actually friends. That was the year I went to one of your games just by chance. You pitched, and you did well, but your team lost the game. That Monday at school, you came up to me and apologized for not playing better, I didn’t think you’d even noticed that I was there. I still think about that moment sometimes, and you should know that you did great, you always do.
For a few years we passed each other in the hall, sharing glances but not saying much. You were on the fast track to popularity with a girlfriend to match, and I was… not. Somehow, someway, we became friends again, and I think I have baseball to thank for that. You were at a lot of my brother’s tournaments, and I remember one of my friends always wanted to come, just in case you would be there. I couldn’t blame her, you were as handsome then as you are now.
Senior year came, and if I could go back to anytime in my life, just to feel how I felt in some of those moments again, I would do it in a heart beat. Looking back, we spent even more time together than I realized. We’d hang out with all our friends, and just the two of us. You’d give me rides, and I’d let you drive my car. You came to my house a lot so I could tutor you, and also just so we could hang out. I can’t even count the number of ice cream runs we must have went on.
One day, we were supposed to go to some ice cream shop, but somehow in the midst of conversation, we managed to miss six freeway exits. I think about that day a lot, and how everything was always so easy with us. No awkward silences, and nothing to hide, we talked about anything and everything, I miss having that with you.
I always wonder if you remember the day we ditched. Hiding in the bathroom and then breaking into a full sprint to your car. We went to your house because I wanted to see your new puppies, and we got lunch before we had to go back to school since you had practice. I think one of the things that I love most about you is how you bring me out of my shell, how you make me brave, even to this day.
One of the nights that haunts me most was the night before one of our finals, I can’t remember which one at this point, but that’s not important. We were laying on the couch at nearly two in the morning, taking a ‘study break’. You were playing with my hair, and it nearly put me to sleep. You told that no matter what, we would always be there for each other. After you left, you messaged me saying you had wanted to tell me something that night, but that it was the wrong time. I begged you to tell me, all you would say is that it was a good thing, and that you’d tell me on graduation day.
But that day came and went without a word about that night, and so did all the days after. Soon enough, you were gone, and I was leaving. You were back with her, and I was with him. And I guess that was that.
Since then, we’re still friends. And you still “see” me in a way that no one else does, and sometimes it surprises me how well you still know me, and how easily you still fit into my life. Sometimes when I catch your eye or see your smile, I remember how things used to be, and imagine what could have been. Sometimes it feels like we’re back to the way we used to be, and in those fleeting moments, everything feels right.
You will always have a piece of my heart, I’ve accepted that by now. I am so proud of you, and so happy that your dreams are coming true. I wish I could tell you all of these things, but I’m just not brave enough. Maybe one day our time will come, but if it doesn’t, then I’ll always be grateful for the times we had.
snowghoul
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