once the words were said, there was nothing to do but
leave them out in the open. for minutes, they hung there,
almost palpable and physical between the pair of them.
more than once, lyra went to speak but held herself back
and waited for doc. i threw it away. he’d never read the
letter, never read the words she’d spent hours on to try
and explain. maybe it was better this way. lyra couldn’t
ignore the fact that it stung though. maybe she deserved
it. can’t tell you how pissed i was at myself… “maybe it’s
a good thing you didn’t read it,” she said after a few
moments. “i tried to explain the purebloods… and how
the world i grew up in works.. and maybe you would
have hated me more after reading all of that.”
it was hard to explain to someone who hadn’t lived it.
her family had been her world, had provided everything
she’d ever needed or wanted. her family had taught her
so much as a child and had crafted a world for her to live
in where she didn’t need to worry about safety, about money,
about security… at no point in her childhood had love been
part of the equation. at no point had her parents taught
her what it had meant. she’d been a child when she’d chosen
the values she’d been taught over the feelings she felt.
she’d been a child who hadn’t truly understood what
it was doc was offering her. at sixteen, the idea of losing
her family, of her world falling away, had been terrifying.
now, she wanted the bravery to jump but knew there
was nothing at the bottom to catch her now. she’d told
her hero to leave three years ago.
her name in his mouth pulled her towards him like a
magnet. it was a chord she never grew tired of listening
to. when he stood, she did too. he came closer to her
and lyra made herself stand still, made her arms stay
down but could not stop her heart racing. how could
she still be so in love with a man she hadn’t seen in
three years? how could she be in love with someone
she couldn’t even say she knew anymore?
“you were always what was best for me,” she cut across
him, her voice only shaking slightly. her emotions were
barely holding themselves in check. three years of
suppression was a long time. “but you were asking
a seventeen year old girl to make a choice that a
twenty year old woman is still terrified about making.”
her voice broke slightly and she stayed silent as
he spoke again. told her he was proud. meant it.
for a long moment, she couldn’t look at him. couldn’t
find the words for what it was she was feeling or
what it was she wanted. when her eyes went back
to his face again, lyra knew she was exposing all
sorts of feelings that had been safer bottled up.
“i’m paying penance,” she said quietly, something
resembling a sad smile on her lips. “i broke your heart
and i knew it even as i was doing it. i broke it and i
broke my own. this is me trying to clean that off of
my conscious, a little bit at a time.” a little sigh left
her lips but she made herself continue. “i gave nothing to
the world for a long time. i let it pass me by in this…
this privileged little bubble of mine and now.. i guess
i’m trying to do something that actually makes some
sort of difference.” her shoulders rose and fell in a
shrug. “i’ve always been kind of hoping you’d come
back, one way or another. i guess, deep down, i
wanted to make myself worth coming back to.”
she’d always been poetic with her words; a young woman with the
vocabulary and structure of an intellect incredibly wise beyond her years.
even when they despised each other, tossing insults and crude gestures
into the air, she still found a way to make her argument far more steady
than his. caradoc dearborn had the voice of a down-on-his-luck southern
asshole while lyra nott had the voice of a brilliant aristocrat. the boy never
stood a chance. and even then, years later, she spoke with the same grace
that always demanded the full attention of its listeners.
he wanted to make her feel better. to ruin and hurt anyone who would
even TRY to disappoint her — but at the same time, he knew it wasn’t
his place anymore. it hadn’t been his place for a long time. and while the
lingering possibility continued to nip at him, he couldn’t allow it, no matter
how badly he wanted to give in. they were a short-lived teenage romance
that regrettably ended — now he was a man with far too many dangerous
responsibilities to even THINK of her the way he used to.
caradoc looked down at the ground, obviously ashamed of her words.
he had always been fearless, willing to jump into the unknown without any
thought of the repercussions. not once did he consider what he’d been
asking her to be unreasonable. but it WAS. he knew that now. it may have
only been three years, but the once reckless teenage boy had grown into a
fairly selfless, still somewhat reckless, yet oddly responsible adult. “ payin’
penance? ” he asked quietly, not expecting an answer.
“ lyra, ” he managed, a faint whisper on the edge of his lips, “ i don’t understand
what ya want from me. ” her words were beautiful, that he couldn’t deny, but the
meaning had left him confused. was this an apology and nothing more? she said she
wanted to be worth coming back to — a phrase that caused him to contort his
features slightly, for when was she NOT worth it? “ ‘cause if you’re lookin’ for
forgiveness ... ya don’t need it. i’m not angry; not anymore. ya don’t need to feel
guilty for puttin’ yourself first. i didn’t. i mean ... i wish i would’ve gone about it a lil’
differently, but i’ve never regretted askin’. ”
“ but we’re here now an’ imma do my damndest to protect you.
ya gotta know though ... things are gettin’ worse — i wouldn’t be here if they
weren’t. so, ” he paused, knowing full well that the order wouldn’t approve of
what he was about to say, “ it might be best if ya lay low for a while. i know ya
wanna help, but what we’re doin’ right now, THIS, it ain’t safe. secrets don’t stay
hidden for long. you an’ i both know that. ”
