JOHNSON INC. OFFICIAL BLOG

The misadventures of a sociopathic CEO and his PR guy. Asks welcome! Read our helpful "About" page to get an idea of the madness that's going on here. It may not be endorsed by our current PR manager, Craig, but it remains a valuable source of dubious "information." (If you cannot see all of an image, try clicking on it to view a full-size version.)

[officialjohnsonbrand]

GRAND UNVEILING OF....

THE OFFICIAL JOHNSONVILLE WEBSITE!

http://johnsonvillegame.com/

Stop by and check it out! It’s a game chock full of a zany mix of comedy, action, snazziness and heartbreak!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

JOHNSON HERE!

And we’re just letting you all know that progress on the SUPER MEGA PROJECT(tm) is continuing at a steady rate! We’re not sure on the ETA yet, but it’s getting closer! Keep an ear to the ground and a hand on your wallets, folks, we’re moving onwards and upwards! We’re not dead!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Hey, citizens! It's me, Johnson himself, borrowing my good friend Craig's computer to let you all know that ol' Johnson's still alive and kicking! Now, I know the lack of posts since Snazzmas must've been rough on you fine folks, but that's okay! We've got something big planned, people! Real big! So just sit tight, folks! (Craig here, stating that we are still accepting questions. Thanks!)

[officialjohnsonbrand]

MERRY SNAZZMAS!

We here at Johnson Brand would like to extend our warmest wishes and wish you a merry Snazzmas!

What is Snazzmas, you ask? Why, any loyal citizen could tell you that!

Snazzmas is only the most wonderful season of the year- an all inclusive holiday that has little elvish shopping clerks scurrying about and selling gifts door-to-door! Little fat Snazztas ring their bells and steal money for the Damnation Army, and IRS agents and Enforcers roam the streets, hoping to waylay merry travelers!

Special Eggnog-Flavored Pressex Soda-Drinks line the shelves of bedecked Johnson-Marts, bursting with carbonated noggy-goodness that shortens your lifespan by an indefinite amount!

Children hurl Snow(tm) balls filled with assorted things... that Children like to eat! Like raw meat! 

Loyal citizens build Johnson-Men out of Snow(tm), sing Corporate Carols, and rejoice at the steady blending of private affairs with government institutions! 

The JOHNSON BRAND Greeting-Card Team goes all out for this holiday, hiring blimps, planes, nukes, black ops teams- you name it- to promote and secure funds for their wonderful Snazzmas cards! These pieces of cheap and colorful paper REALLY make the holiday- and they even come with pre-printed 2D artwork!

WHAT A STEAL!

So this Snazzmas season, why not stop in and make JOHNSON BRAND part of your monetary family? 

We're sure you won't regret* it.

*(definitions of "regret" may vary)

[officialjohnsonbrand]

WILLY BAYS HERE, CHIEF MARKETER AND WALKING ADVERTISEMENT FOR JOHNSON BRAND.

AS YOU MAY KNOW, WE HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING A SLOW PERIOD HERE AT THE JOHNSON BRAND BLOG!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON HAS BEEN CLOSING IN AND JOHNSON HAS FORCIBLY INDOCTRINATED HIS WORKERS INTO BACK-BREAKING LABOR LET EVERYONE WORK OVERTIME! 

SOON WE SHALL BE BACK IN FULL FORCE.

WAIT FOR US, TUMBLR.

(**Johnson Brand is not responsible for any perforation of the eardrum caused by long-term exposure to a Willy Bays(tm))

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Tell us about the history of Johnson Brand. What has it done over the years?

Why, Johnson Brand has been an important societal hallmark for most of human history! From the very first day someone traded one thing for a different thing, Johnson’s been around!From the pyramids of Egypt…

 To various magazine publications…

Johnson’s eponymous Thumbs-Up can be seen anywhere, any time!

However, his function hasn’t changed too greatly over these many years…To be precise, he’s ALWAYS created useful Kits for any purpose, beloved by all!So when you open up a Johnson Brand product, think back on the centuries of history that led to this glorious consumerist moment!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Craig, what's your salary like?

 Well, I get paid in Johnson Funbucks- the official currency of Johnsonville. Though they have odd exchange rates (like making you pay to convert them to dollars), it’s usually enough to get by… with some occasional splurging on JOHNSON BRAND Bus Hijacking kits, of course.

I wouldn't say my salary is that far above minimum wage, but I know better than to ask for a raise- the, uh, “last” PR Guy did that… and I hear that the Johnson Citizenly Task Enforcement Squad… took his head and...

Never mind, I’m feeling sick now. 

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Tell us more about "Johnsonville". What is it like there?

Why, it’s absolutely lovely! It’s this small out-of-the way town populated by various citizens- and it has all of the amenities of a large city! Banks full of lives…

Uh, I mean, full of Johnson Funbucks sit atop monuments to our glorious overlord, fountains flow with official Johnson Brand Water(tm), and the local football stadium’s nuclear reactor only melts down twice on Tuesdays! In addition to its large busing system (which allows wealthy citizens to buy seats for themselves, permanently), Johnsonville also has a heavily fortified Elementary School, so the threat of any children escaping is negligible!**

Really, it’s a lovely place, and I hope you are one of the prestigious Citizens invited to move to our town someday, so you can experience it for yourself!

**(Chance of Escape = 100%)

[officialjohnsonbrand]

What does johnson do on black friday ?

Um… No one’s really sure, to be honest. Mr. Johnson tends to lock himself in his office on Black Friday, but every now and then we hear him… laughing. It’s one of the few times he’s ever… genuinely HAPPY.

Nobody’s dared to bother him when he’s in there. I’ve heard stories though. People who bother him on Black Friday just… disappear.

N…next question, please…

[officialjohnsonbrand]

A MARVELOUS AND SNAZZY THANKSGIVING TO OUR LOVELY CITIZENS

JOHNSON BRAND would like to wish our extended corporate family a wonderful time on this holiday without paid leave. Truly, it is a time to be thankful for the end of the fiscal year, and the glorious advent of that most hallowed of days- BLACK FRIDAY. 

We hope all loyal JOHNSON buyers can put their cash where their heart is and go out to cause some chaos in search of the best deals on all-artificial JOHNSON products- like the JOHNSON BRAND Sheeple Generator- only 59.99 of whatever currency still holds water! Or try our delicious tryptophan-laced PRESSEX SODA-DRINK- 10% off! As an added bonus, we shall be compressing our Soylent Blue supplies into the shape of turkeys to celebrate Thanksgiving, only at your local JOHNSON-MART!

BUY NOW!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Craig, who is Damien?

Damien’s my boyfriend. Second only to JOHNSON BRAND in my affections, of course.

We met a while back, and he works at his mother’s bakery. He isn’t exactly happy that I took this job at Johnson Corp, but at the very least he recognizes we need to make ends meet SOMEHOW.

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Uh... How much is the "Maximum Amount" of rest?

Well, the Maximum Amount of Rest is 4 hours, of course! Normally people need some ridiculous number like 8, but Mr. Johnson includes a large amount of extra stimulants and carcinogens in Johnson Brand Coffee. So instead of wasting four hours asleep, I get four extra hours of work! Doesn’t that sound snazzy?”

[officialjohnsonbrand]

So Craig, what do you do during your days working at Johnson Brand?

Well, officially, I’m always “on the clock” due to Mr. Johnson’s business structure. Thankfully, not only do I get a lunch break, but I’m allowed a hefty “sleep break” which has been scientifically proven by Johnson Brand Scientists to provide the maximum amount of rest.

So after I’m awoken by the official Johnson Brand Alarm Clock, I shower, have a quick breakfast, and then get to work! I mostly operate the various blogs and emails of Johnson Brand, dealing with belligerent, curious and other types of customer.

Of course, ever since Mr. Johnson “laid off” his last assistant, I’ve been picking up a lot of the slack around here! (Well, “laid off” might be putting it lightly… But Mr. Johnson conducts his business in the manner which he sees fit.) I also go on coffee runs in the morning, lunch runs in the afternoon, and sometimes even a dinner run if the Board Directors are having a late night!

I also occasionally get dragged into Mandatory Product Testing, which USUALLY isn’t too bad. Occasionally though I get told to operate an Official Johnson Cat Skinning Device (“There’s more than one way to use it!”) or a Johnson Brand Fish Fermentation Kit (“Now with 100% more pungent aroma!”) but I get paid well enough.

I don’t have much free time, but since I spend most of the day on a computer I’m given a bit of leeway for slacking off.I usually have enough time to watch a video or two, check my personal blog, and maybe sneak in a few emails to Damien. Nothing too big.

And that’s an average day for me!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

What are the names of your siblings? I want to hear more about Mr. Johnson's family.

Well, first off is Wilson. He runs a chain of restaurants, and to be frank, the food is pre-tty terrible. It’s cheap, but it tastes like greasy crap and probably hardens your arteries with every bite…

Next is Smithson, who… Well, no one really knows what he does. No one knows what he looks like, either. Mr. Johnson calls him a “jealous little prick”.

Then there’s Larson, whose main production goes towards cheap knockoffs of Johnson Products, as well as posters of his own face. I doubt he has a creative bone in his body.

Then there’s Erikson, who produces “self-defense products” and “hunting supplies” which are probably secretly meant for taking on the military. Like ATVs with mounted LMGs and 10000000 volt tazers.

Also on the list is Williamson, whose line of labor saving devices have a comfy little niche in the lazy bastard demographic. His most popular product is by far the “Auto-Recliner”.

Finally, there’s Samson. He creates… Well, we don’t talk about what Samson creates. In fact, we don’t talk about Samson AT ALL.

And that’s all of Mr. Johnson’s siblings!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Hey PR, what is your personal favorite Johnson Brand Kit?

Oh! Well, I’m particularly fond of the CD Organization Kit! It helps keep all of my music neat and tidy, and due to being more commonly purchased, it’s had a lot of remakes over the years! Now it’s a full on robot helper!

Thanks for the ask, it really makes my day!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Good news, tumblr! To reward our followers, we shall begin following THEM! Normally we'd have other ways of thanking people, but Mr. Johnson realized that giving out free kits doesn't earn us money. Just think of this as a reward to you, our devoted followers! Stay snazzy, folks!

[officialjohnsonbrand]

Greetings our dear overlord! I had a question as to how you produce your snazzy kits so quickly?

Well, you see, while most companies operate new “eco-friendly” factories, Mr. Johnson realizes these methods are inefficient. Taking cues from 50s factories and Chinese Sweatshops, he operates constantly running factories with high turnover rates and high production! The end result is often referred to by inspectors as “Incredibly Snazzy”.

We also include many more rooms than most factories have, and therefore more production lines. This also means we hire more employees, stimulating the local Johnson-conomy(tm)!

So when you open up your snazzy Sweater Knitting Kit or Turkey Basting Kit, be sure to thank the small child who probably boxed the whole thing up!*

*: Do not thank employees of Johnson Inc.