Snark Notes

I summarize things. Sarcastically.

[officialsnarknotes]

Blank Space (T. Swift) // The Great Gatsby (F. Scott)

Nice to meet you, where you been? I could show you incredible things Magic, madness, heaven, sin Saw you there and I thought Oh my God, look at that face You look like my next mistake Love's a game, wanna play?

Taylor Swift

“I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”  ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

New money, suit and tie I can read you like a magazine Ain't it funny, rumors fly And I know you heard about me So hey, let's be friends I'm dying to see how this one ends Grab your passport and my hand I can make the bad guys good for a weekend

Taylor Swift

"The truth was that Jay Gatsby, of West Egg, Long Island, sprang from his Platonic conception of himself. He was a son of God—a phrase which, if it means anything, means just that—and he must be about His Father's business, the service of a vast, vulgar, and meretricious beauty."

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“I think he killed a man."

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Cherry lips, crystal skies I could show you incredible things Stolen kisses, pretty lies

Taylor Swift

“Her face was sad and lovely with bright things in it, bright eyes and a bright passionate mouth, but there was an excitement in her voice that men who had cared for her found difficult to forget: a singing compulsion, a whispered “Listen,” a promise that she had done gay, exciting things just a while since and that there were gay, exciting things hovering in the next hour.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Find out what you want Be that girl for a month Wait, the worst is yet to come, oh no

Screaming, crying, perfect storms I can make all the tables turn Rose garden filled with thorns Keep you second guessing like "Oh my God, who is she?" I get drunk on jealousy But you'll come back each time you leave 'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Taylor Swift

“There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams -- not through her own fault, but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

'Cause we're young and we're reckless We'll take this way too far It'll leave you breathless Or with a nasty scar

Taylor Swift

“It takes two to make an accident."

"Suppose you meet somebody just as careless as yourself?"

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Got a long list of ex-lovers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank space, baby And I'll write your name

Taylor Swift

“It excited him that many men had already loved Daisy-- it increased her value in his eyes. (...) He knew that Daisy was extraordinary, but he didn’t realize just how extraordinary a “nice” girl could be. She vanished into her rich house, into her rich, full life, leaving Gatsby-- nothing."

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

[officialsnarknotes]

Crime and Punishment

where: Russia

what: everything is bad. no, seriously. everything

 the novel opens with Raskolnikov, a whiny college boy who hasn’t bothered to attend class in months, creeping around trying to avoid his landlady

#just20somethingproblems

he hates everyone and his apartment sucks 

he is planning something SOMETHING BAD and the sight of humanity makes him GAG

he’s also incredibly handsome, but he’s meandering around in a hot mess of tatters like those shitty stores that pretend ripped clothes are avant grade and on trend. Raskolnikov is the worst kind of hipster

he has an altercation with a pawnbroker and tells her he will be back

then he goes to the tavern. of course. and feels much better. of course.

but not for long (ominous Russian music)

he meets a series of unfortunate people who he gives money to. he later regrets giving them money because he despises them. because they are terrible. no one understands him.

he falls asleep in some bushes and has a creepy-ass dream about a horse getting beaten to death #symbolism

Raskolnikov overhears some rando in a bar talking about how he wishes he could murder the mean pawnbroker

because he is a dipshit, he decides this means the murder is FATED and he has NO FREE WILL because NIHILISM and RUSSIA

he murders the pawnbroker with and axe, kills her daughter when she wanders in, steals all their shit, and flees

the next day he’s summoned to the police station because he owes so much money and he spends the whole time raving before promptly passing the fuck out in the middle of the police station 

he would be a terrible poker player

he wanders listlessly (his main mode mode of transportation)

then he starts hallucinating and falls into a delirious coma for 4 days

people are nice to him. this annoys him greatly.

upon emerging from his (not suspicious at all) coma, he meets his sister’s fiancé, Luzhin who is arguably one of the most terrible people ever 

no, seriously, i will argue with you about it. he’s terrible

anyway, Raskolnikov goes for a walk and promptly runs into a policeman and nearly confesses his crime approximately 100 times in a five minute conversation and then abruptly leaves

everything disgusts him. parties, friendship, snobby rich people, dirty poor people. literally everything disgusts him. except his hot mess of a life, which apparently, is fine

he then returns to the scene of the crime. i can’t even with this dude

his drunk friend from the bar gets run over by a horse and Raskolnikov gives his family some money so he can pretend he’s not staring into the abyss of his own black soul

his mother and sister visit. they are concerned. this annoys him greatly.

Razumikhin, Raskolnikov’s bff, falls in love with Dunya, his sister (cutest romantic subplot tbh)

Luzhin (a.k.a. LOSER) says he never wants to see Raskolnikov again, which is understandable, but I still hate him and his whiny rich boy savior complex. fuck that shit. Dunya deserves better.

Raskolnikov contemplates confessing and continues to run around like he’s the one with his head cut off, making increasingly suspicious comments

at this point, he might as well hang a flashing sign around his neck that says “murderer” 

it would save them all a lot of trouble

Enter another annoying rich man with a stupid name: Svidrigailov 

he wants Raskolnikov to help him hook up with Dunya and Raskolnikov’s like “hell nah, didn’t you murder your wife or something??”

Raskolnikov & company go out to dinner. Luzhin sulks. Raskolnikov radiates guilty murderer vibes. Razumikhin pines for Dunya.

Luzhin acts like a brat and insults everyone, so Dunya kicks his sorry ass to the curb. there’s much rejoicing

Raskolnikov tells everyone he ~has to be alone~ and wanders off again. typical

Raskolnikov goes on a field trip: impromptu bible study with his dead friend’s daughter, Sonya, who is a prostitute. fun times!

he asks her to run away with him (guys, take note 4 future date ideas— running from the law? totally hot)

Raskolnikov goes on a field trip: a chat at the police station. he freaks the fuck out (as usual), but then someone else confesses to the crime

Raskolnikov goes to his friend’s funeral. his friend’s widow starts coughing up blood and gets in a fight with the landlady. Luzhin shows up and tries to frame Sonya for stealing and there’s general chaos

Sonya convinces Raskolnikov he should confess, even though he still thinks he is better than everyone

spoiler alert: he doesn’t confess. he just lurks around bars a lot. if he didn’t lurk in bars, none of this would have happened.

the police dude accuses Raskolnikov of murder & Svidrigailov gets engaged to a 15 year old because he’s a creep, 

Svid then promptly lures Dunya into a room and threatens to reveal her brother’s crime and rape her if she doesn’t marry him

he’s the worst

Dunya pulls out a revolver and shoots him like the BAMF she is

unfortunately, he doesn’t die. but we can pretend

Svidrigailov kills himself because RUSSIA

Raskolnikov has five or six more existential crises, says goodbye to his family and finally confesses

Dunya and Razumikhin get married!! mazel tov etc.

Raskolnikov gets sent to Siberia. classic Russian novel power move

he still thinks he’s better then everyone, but he realizes he loves Sonya and starts reading the bible

so that’s a start, i guess

he’s still a dipshit 

the end

[officialsnarknotes]

The Sun Also Rises

sad man in bar

sad man in apartment

they went to a cafe

they went back to a bar

they were all very drunk

they took a taxi to a different bar, without talking

“it used to be different, but then there was the war”

a woman was promiscuous and it was bad

a man was Jewish and it was bad

~road trip to Spain~

they went to the cafe

they went across the street to the bar

after several hours, they went to a different bar

they were married, but they hated each other

the Jewish man thought he was their friend

they went fishing and had an epiphany

there were bulls. because spain

everyone continued to make choices that led to their own unhappiness

there was another taxi, I think

the end

[officialsnarknotes]

The Odyssey

it’s ten years after the Trojan war. Odysseus is stuck on and island with Calypso, a beguiling nymph who is either seducing him with her tempting ways or bewitching him with spells. who the hell knows

meanwhile, in Ithaka:

Telemachus, son of Odysseus, is completely useless

Penelope (the wife who is probs too good for Odysseus) is being harassed by a bunch of dumbs suitors with no manners or respect

the suitors are frolicking around having sex with everything and roasting pigs and getting hella wasted and basically having a straight up frat party in Odysseus’ house

except the frat part NEVER ENDS

it’s terrifying

Athena swoops down and tells Telemachus to get his shit together and go figure out where his father is

Telemachus swaggers off with his bros without telling his mother and goes to “investigate” his father’s disappearance (mostly by going to dinner parties, but at least he’s trying)

everyone talks about how great and wonderful and brilliant Odysseus is for an inordinate amount of time 

ENTER Odysseus, crying on a rock.

the gods tell Calypso that she can’t have Odysseus as her sex slave anymore, so she helps him build a raft.

rafts are objectively terrible ways to travel, so he almost dies and washes up on the coast

he seeks shelter from the local King who asks him for his story and Odysseus is like OF COURSE and launches into the longest flashback in the history of flashbacks

FLASHBACK

they left troy, went looting, angered the gods, and got caught in a storm (spoiler alert: this happens a lot)

they ended up at this island of "lotus eaters,” ate some lotus, and basically went on an acid trip and Odysseus had to drag his drugged up shipmates out of their Grecian island crack den

then they stopped at an island full of Cyclopes

personally, i would have skipped this island, but Odysseus is like “if we go to their caves, they’ll give us dinner"

the Cyclops was thinking more along the lines of “eat them for dinner"

Odysseus gets the Cyclops drunk off of a bowl of wine (he’s a lightweight? or it’s a very big bowl??)

and then stabs his eye out with a burning stick (so metal)

Odysseus wants credit for this badassery so he shouts his name back to the Cyclops.

plot twist: the Cyclops is Poseidon’s son!

Poseidon is the god of the ocean

things get very bad very quickly

Odysseus is in the middle of the ocean

another king gives Odysseus a magical bag of wind to get them home

Odysseus falls asleep and his dumbass shipmates open the bag and let all the wind out

some people get eaten by cannibals (?)

they end up on Circe’s island. Circe turns a bunch of Odysseus’ men into pigs

Odysseus is like “don’t do that. also have sex with me"

she turns his men back into people (if you can call them that)

they hang out and have sex for a year

an ENTIRE year

literally 

finally his men convince him to leave and they set off on their merry way again

they run into some sirens, eat some holy cows and anger the gods AGAIN and then everyone dies except Odysseus because they ate the stupid sun cows

it’s amazing it took them all that long to die since their strategy seemed to be “annoy everything powerful we encounter"

Odysseus almosts gets eaten by some sea monsters and then ends up on Calypso’s island

END FLASHBACK

finished with his story, Odysseus returns to Ithaka and talks to Shepard!Athena 

they talk about how awesome they both are for a while and then she disguises Odysseus as a beggar

Odysseus chills with a swineherd for a bit

Telemachus returns, is reunited with his father, and they both begin to plot their revenge

Odysseus pretends to be a beggar until they have an arrow shooting competition, which he is a beast at, obviously, and then he and Telemachus slaughter all the suitors

he makes the maids clean up all the blood

AND then he kills all the maids because they were sleeping with the suitors

this seems terrible and unnecessary, like many things Odysseus does

RIP maids

Odysseus and Penelope are reunited and it’s cute

and then Odysseus is like “btw, i have to go on a quest tomorrow"

because Odysseus never fucking learns

the end

[officialsnarknotes]

The Iliad

where: Troy

what: a really, really long war

why: Paris (Prince of Troy and asshole extraordinaire) showed up to a dinner party at Menalaus’ house and kidnapped his wife Helen 

Menelaus is pissed

Helen is also pissed because every is blaming her for being a harlot and she’s shut up inside Troy with a bunch of old dudes and judgmental noblewomen 

Agamemnon, brother of Menelaus and Major Rich Dude In Charge is being a little shit. He and Achilles took some women as war prizes while they were out looting (as one does) and Aggie took the daughter of a priest of Apollo

rookie move tbh

he gets at least five chances to give the girl back and make good with Apollo and he’s too busy being Angry and Powerful and Painfully Idiotic

so Apollo sends down a plague on the camp. people are keeling over left and right.

the seer (there’s always one) tells everyone that the plague is punishment for Agamemnon being lame as hell

Agamemnon basically backflips out a nonexistent window and starts foaming at the mouth, and steals Achilles’ home girl

he’s Mr. steal your (war prize) girl

this is not the best move because it is an insult to Achilles honor.

these dudes would rather set themselves on fire and jump into a pool of gasoline than have their honor questioned

why is human trafficking is a point of honor? no idea

 but honor is bae

Achilles runs away, sits on a rock, cries and plays the lyre for approximately the next 20-30 pages

everyone dies because Achilles isn’t there. he is the best and nothing gets done without him. it’s every angry fourteen yet-old’s fantasy— “maybe if I run away, THEN you’ll see!!!” 

so many people die

the gods keep fucking with people and spiriting them away in mist

this makes hand to hand combat much more difficult than necessary and may be why the war lasted so incredibly long

Paris continues to run around being incompetent 

his brother Hector rolls his eyes a lot and slays people

Helen is still trapped in Troy and is still the best person in the Epic. Everyone is still being terrible to her. 

Agamemnon starts to realize he fucked up and sends some people to apologize to Achilles. 

He offers Achilles a bunch of cities, his daughter to marry, a noble position, hella tripods and cauldrons, and a bunch of other weird Greek bullshit 

Achilles is just like “nah” and continues staring dramatically into the distance

his main bro/bff/lover/boyfriend/soulmate Patroclus is fed up with Achilles’ drama and decides to go fight

Achilles lends him his fancy armor to terrify people with and continues sulking on the beach because nothing could possibly go wrong in this scenario

plot twist: after slaying a bunch of Trojans, Patroclus is killed by Hector. wow, who saw that one coming? (literally everyone except Achilles)

Achilles levels up and gets some new badass armor from the gods to avenge Patroclus 

he returns to the battle, kills a bunch of dudes, gets in a sword fight with a river, and then with a little divine help, manages to kill Hector

revenge over, right? WRONG

then Achilles drags Hector’s body around behind a chariot and sulks a lot more

Hector’s dad Priam shows up and makes puppy dog eyes at Achilles. they both weep and beat their breasts a lot and bond over the universality of grief 

then they have dinner together and Achilles is like “yeah, I guess you can have your son’s corpse back”

and Priam is like “nice”

and then everyone in Troy weeps and laments Hector

there’s much beating of breasts and wailing

then it’s over

and you’re like what about the Trojan horse? what about Helen? nothing is resolved

well PSYCH

none of those things are in the Iliad

just weeping

war sucks

the end