what: a really, really long war
why: Paris (Prince of Troy and asshole extraordinaire) showed up to a dinner party at Menalaus’ house and kidnapped his wife Helen
Helen is also pissed because every is blaming her for being a harlot and she’s shut up inside Troy with a bunch of old dudes and judgmental noblewomen
Agamemnon, brother of Menelaus and Major Rich Dude In Charge is being a little shit. He and Achilles took some women as war prizes while they were out looting (as one does) and Aggie took the daughter of a priest of Apollo
he gets at least five chances to give the girl back and make good with Apollo and he’s too busy being Angry and Powerful and Painfully Idiotic
so Apollo sends down a plague on the camp. people are keeling over left and right.
the seer (there’s always one) tells everyone that the plague is punishment for Agamemnon being lame as hell
Agamemnon basically backflips out a nonexistent window and starts foaming at the mouth, and steals Achilles’ home girl
he’s Mr. steal your (war prize) girl
this is not the best move because it is an insult to Achilles honor.
these dudes would rather set themselves on fire and jump into a pool of gasoline than have their honor questioned
why is human trafficking is a point of honor? no idea
Achilles runs away, sits on a rock, cries and plays the lyre for approximately the next 20-30 pages
everyone dies because Achilles isn’t there. he is the best and nothing gets done without him. it’s every angry fourteen yet-old’s fantasy— “maybe if I run away, THEN you’ll see!!!”
the gods keep fucking with people and spiriting them away in mist
this makes hand to hand combat much more difficult than necessary and may be why the war lasted so incredibly long
Paris continues to run around being incompetent
his brother Hector rolls his eyes a lot and slays people
Helen is still trapped in Troy and is still the best person in the Epic. Everyone is still being terrible to her.
Agamemnon starts to realize he fucked up and sends some people to apologize to Achilles.
He offers Achilles a bunch of cities, his daughter to marry, a noble position, hella tripods and cauldrons, and a bunch of other weird Greek bullshit
Achilles is just like “nah” and continues staring dramatically into the distance
his main bro/bff/lover/boyfriend/soulmate Patroclus is fed up with Achilles’ drama and decides to go fight
Achilles lends him his fancy armor to terrify people with and continues sulking on the beach because nothing could possibly go wrong in this scenario
plot twist: after slaying a bunch of Trojans, Patroclus is killed by Hector. wow, who saw that one coming? (literally everyone except Achilles)
Achilles levels up and gets some new badass armor from the gods to avenge Patroclus
he returns to the battle, kills a bunch of dudes, gets in a sword fight with a river, and then with a little divine help, manages to kill Hector
revenge over, right? WRONG
then Achilles drags Hector’s body around behind a chariot and sulks a lot more
Hector’s dad Priam shows up and makes puppy dog eyes at Achilles. they both weep and beat their breasts a lot and bond over the universality of grief
then they have dinner together and Achilles is like “yeah, I guess you can have your son’s corpse back”
and then everyone in Troy weeps and laments Hector
there’s much beating of breasts and wailing
and you’re like what about the Trojan horse? what about Helen? nothing is resolved
none of those things are in the Iliad
