text message starters, part 1/?
[MSG]: If you come home and see an ambulance outside, donāt worry. Iāve got it all under control.
[MSG:] One time I thought I was heterosexual.
[MSG:] IāM WEARING A FLAG.
[MSG:] Just get in the fucking blanket fort.
[MSG:] I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I pass out for 3 days.
[MSG:] I am going places. Maybe not college, but placesā¦
[MSG:] I donāt think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
[MSG:]Ā THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNāT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
[MSG:]Ā Weāre making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
[MSG:] Can you pick me up? The threeway turned into a twoway while I sit here alone in the cornerā¦
[MSG:]Ā Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
[MSG:] You know, my friends think I make these stories upā¦
[MSG:]Ā Iām bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. Weāre plotting your demise.
[MSG:] My cute new neighbor has a cast on his leg. How sad is it that my first thought was,Ā āHey! This one canāt run away!ā.
[MSG:]Ā OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but stillā¦
[MSG:]Ā I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
[MSG:] I just walked into the room at this party and someone shoutedĀ ādibs!ā
[MSG:]Ā He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
[MSG:]Ā Uh, I almost got the bride to go down on me. Iām the smoothest maid of honor ever.
[MSG:] Somehow a ride to Walgreens turned into a threesome.
[MSG:] Yeah, donāt like to call her my roommate. Too cordial. I prefer to call herĀ āthe whore that was assigned to live with me.ā
[MSG:] Why does every bad decision I make end up with at least 100 likes on YouTube?
[MSG:]Ā I feel like I donāt show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time.
[MSG:] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!
[MSG:]Ā He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
[MSG:] STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE.
[MSG:]Ā There were containers of weed in the piƱata.
[MSG:] So far today Iāve had six shots of tequila, one joint, Iāve hit three parties, made out with two people and been chased by security. It is spring break.
[MSG:] OMG SOMEONE JUST CRASHED THIS LECTURE SCREAMINGĀ āTROOOOOLLLL IN THE DUNGEONS!!!ā I CANāT STOP LAUGHING HELP
[MSG:]Ā I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon.
[MSG:] Uh, I think that pic was for someone else. At least, I hope soā¦
[MSG:] My gaydar is infallible. Trust me.
[MSG:]Ā Iām actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. Weāre just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators.
[MSG:]Ā See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
[MSG:]Ā Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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prguitarman
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amandla
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