It has been a very long and difficult week.
I don’t think it would be hard getting helium and using a large garbage bag, but I am not totally clear on how to completely remove oxygen from the bag to prevent carbon dioxide from stressing me out.
1. My own apartment or place for the next year because I will be at home making an hour and a half commute. I am still stuck with the resentful thought that someone brought up that their half an hour commute would be difficult. What a selfish and disgusting thought to have. I do not have my own space because I do not deserve it I guess. It does not matter that I have graduated, that I have a job, that I can afford a space for myself. It does not matter because I have to do what he says.
2. My sister’s love. She hates me with every fiber of her being and thinks that everything I do is offensive and hate-filled. She thinks that I am twisted and a liar and selfish and self-important. She has painted a caricature of me that weighs on my shoulders every day and seemingly satisfies her desire to hate something or to feel better than something. She does not want to hear what I have to say or how I am or what I am doing. She does not acknowledge that I have been (albeit overbearing) a sister to her in ways that she has not been for me. She would rather have nothing to do with me and maybe it’s better that way so that I don’t bother her anymore because I cry too much and demand too much and yell too much and am all around pretty awful in a lot of ways. I guess I should backtrack and say that I am all of those things she thinks of me??? I think it’s true. It’s hard to stay mad when I guess those things are right.
3. My mommy’s care. She gives so much but nothing that I need or want. I don’t want a new bag or new shoes or new clothes. I don’t want an iced coffee. All this wastefully spent money that could be put towards me having my own place. (I FEEL SO WHINY???) Even though I try to protect you from daddy and I try to clean all of our bathrooms, vacuum when you ask me, clean dishes without you asking. I am surprised that you somewhat resent that I am not going to medical school??? Even though I’ve proven that I’m smart??? I think??? I don’t know anymore. I guess ultimately I don’t feel like I have attention from her. It doesn’t help that she laughed when I said I wanted to die, but maybe that’s because we argued beforehand and I said it in a weird voice? She gives me so much criticism for not having a boyfriend in so many direct and indirect ways that I feel a compounding lack of love??? When I was crying to her about not being able to get away from this house, why did she have to say it would be better if I just had a boyfriend??? I am too much! Wow.
4. My daddy’s respect. There are many things that continually stick with me. I would rather not have to see him or talk to him. He says I do not have grace or that I am being selfish or that I am not respecting him because I disagree and I argue and I want things like my own space or to spend a weekend away from home with other people. He controls what I do and if I don’t he explodes and I am in trouble. (Another selfish thing my sister said I do is if I “do what I want” and then force the rest of my family to face his anger???) Whether it is eating sushi for lunch that he wanted but never expressed, using the television when he wants to, saving a baked good in the fridge and getting upset if he takes a bite and I didn’t want him to. I guess I’m just as petty as he is because all of those things make me upset at him. I am just as awful and angry and explosive. Awful awful awful.
It feels a lot better writing all of these things. I have decided not to eat and I am going to lock myself in my room for as long as I can. A plus side is that I think I will be a little thinner at the very least. I watched something on water fasting and I think I could do that. I don’t think starving myself will be painless or quick, but at the very least it’s not super damaging or irreversible.
I am tired of friendships that are no longer loving or respectful. They compound the things that are eating away at my heart.
I need to pray. Read the Word. I have cried too many days in a row.
THIS IS ALL SO PENT-UP AND MELODRAMATIC! I hate feeling like a useless and hateful and hypocritical and stereotypical idiot. And that’s exactly what a post like this is! I am so privileged with a home and money and luxuries and it makes me so angry that I feel this way because I shouldn’t??? It would be so much easier to feel sorry for myself, if I didn’t have all of those things haha. Another selfish thought I think.
My instinct is to delete, but I should leave it for a little so I’m not tempted to actually kill myself.
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO:
2. My new YouTube channel
3. Serving as an intern for CU this year
4. Love in all forms in all things in all places. Even in my form of a disgusting person, in this small pointless person, in this quiet place.
gamechangershow
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
theartofmadeline
amandla
titsay
