Have you ever wondered what it's like to be trapped in your own head? I know. It's like trying to keep a part of you locked away, a part that you can't let anyone see. You keep that part locked away trapped behind a door, that part of you clawing and fighting to get out and wreck your world. It's like that one person who picked on you and tortured you in school, but instead they live in your head. I have more than one monster locked away in my head. You think that it âOh it can't be that badâ right? It takes everything you have to keep one monster locked away, let alone two. It takes everything you have, you are exhausted, and all you want is a good night's sleep and for things to be quite.
The quite, that's a double edged sword. It is so nice when there is silence but then you realize how loud things are inside. Inside your head when you have these monsters, it is never quit, pounding, yelling, and screaming. The monsters always let you know they are there. The loud pounding feels like the worst migraine you've ever had but turned up to 11. It's a constant, ever present, reminder that they are there and what caused them to be there. But that's a story for a different time. Who my monsters are don't even come close to the terror they cause.
It's not like I am an angel in any since of the word, but I never thought I deserved this. I was a victim, a pawn, a tool, and it's like I never got away. I am a survivor, but you don't realize how hard it is to remember that you aren't the victim anymore. The general public has no idea. If you are like me, you can hide it and they are none the wiser. You can put on a mask, say the right things, and perfect that smile and no one can figure it out. The funny thing is that people who are like me attach people like me. But we also attract rats. The liars and manipulators that like to take advantage of us. I want to tell you about one such rat.
It all started where some of the worst things start, Tumblr. We had a common interest, a very large common interest. Things where normal but this rat was needy, always demanding my attention and if I was in class I had to reply during class or this rat would get pissed off, but I let it go. This rat and I got to know each other, and the rat conveniently had the same issues I had. There was a connection and a bond that formed. Tumblr led to Facebook, which led to meeting the Cat. The Cat I have no regrets over, but you sure seem to. We were a trio, a team, friends to the very core, but you hated that I was moving on to bigger and better things and you were stuck begging for help.
Fast forward a few months, many admissions by myself to the Rat and the Cat, and visa versa, but one thing stayed same. The Rat always had to one up you with âI have this thing that worse that's wrong with me.â It was never a competition over who had things worse. But soon enough I moved to a new state to be closer to the Cat and start fresh again. No one knew my monsters and my monsters couldn't make things that bad. But one monster I didn't count on was the Rat.
I moved, made friends, got a job and then the Cat decided to move in with me. We were in love. The Rat thought that it was all her doing and all because of âhimâ at this point in time. Things with the Rat were getting more tense. I started to see lies surfacing. Lies over medical records that I have seen. The Rat gave me more information than, now âsheâ realized. I started talking to the Cat about how I wasn't sure of everything the Rat was saying.
It was in this time that the Rat came to the Cat and I asking for help. She wanted to get her and her boyfriend out of a really bad situation. I don't know how much of it I really believe but there was talk of human trafficking and drug use, both things I have a huge issue with and compassion for anyone going through it. We immediately went about trying to get the Rat someplace safe, where we could help protect her. She was on board and thanked us. We offered to help pay, did all the research and even started looking at apartments for her and her boyfriend for when they got to safety. I vouched for her druggy boyfriend and even had a job lined up for him. The drive from the Midwest to Florida would be long but I was ready to do it. I was stupid.
In this time, the Rat's story had started to devolve more holes. My monsters finally were saying some useful things. My doubt grew until I stopped talking to the Rat. I confronted, now âhimâ again, with my findings and cut ties. The Cat gave the Rat another chance against my wishes. Soon enough the Cat say the Rat for what âsheâ was cut ties. That's when the shit talking started.
The Rat decided to air my dirty laundry to the public but not say a damn thing to my face. The Cat could see it all happening, but shielded me from it, knowing the truth. In that time the Cat and I wed, started a life together as a married couple, laughing that the Rat would take credit for us meeting but never rubbing it âherâ face. I would look her up every once in a while when I thought about the Rat but I NEVER put her on blast, never talked about things she said happened to her and never once told anyone publicly that I knew the truth. It was only when the Rat reached out to the Cat to talk did I find out about the shit posting and the subposting.
The Cat and I have a dissolved marriage, but we are still close. The Rat thinks she knows all and assumes things that she knows nothing about. I kept the Rat's name out of my mouth for years and now the Rat had put my name back in her's. I don;t have a kid I can't afford to raise, I am not a lazy piece of crap who thinks they can get away with anything and I certainly don't have to drag people down to heal and scream my story from the mountain tops just for attention. I keep my story to myself unless it needs to be told, but you, Rat, dragged this all back up. The Cat just wanted you to face me for what you did. You think we are manipulative and evil. Well, Rat, I knew the real truth and you can't take that away from me. You came to us, begging for help. I risked my life, my job, my safety, and my health for you but you seem to think it is all a game. Well guess what, I am a game master and if you think I will back down from a fight you're wrong. You keep my name out of your mouth for the rest of your life and we will not have any problems. If the Cat or I catch wind of you talking about us, even thinking about us, I will let lose all the dark details. Remember Mike isn't the only one with dirt.
You gave me this power, and I've been nice. This is your one and only warning. Never speak to us again. Never speak about us again. You want to hash this out, you know how to get ahold of me. I have never hidden myself from you because I am not a chicken. Go crawl back in your sewer, Rat, and we will all be better off.
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