Feelings of Nostalgia

"Even the best fall down sometimes"

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

I guess I haven't written in this blog in a really long time. I guess I'll try to write again in here. Hmmm. Feelings of nostalgia. I guess it's a nostaligic feeling trying to fall in love again. There's this girl at work that I've gotten to know a bit better recently because certain circumstances arised. I started to come into the office more and she's in the office a lot so it's only natural that we would eventually meet. Our first couple of meetings were nothing special but the more I came into the office and saw her, the more I started to like her and wanted to get to know her better. I guess it's that law of proximity for love sometimes. Well time slowly passed but at the same time, passed quickly and I gotten to know her better and such and feel a strong bond with her. I guess I shouldn't have bonded with her but I did and I'm slowly starting to fall for her. Or at least I think I am. And since time passed by so quickly, I'm off on my vacation in Thailand but I miss her and want to help her and hang out with her. But instead I'm halfway across the world, thinking about her but I'm not even sure if she feels the same way or anything like that. I'm sure she has to know I like her cause I keep texting her or trying to. So I guess that's my story for now.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Happy birthday to me. I was feeling pretty shitty about my birthday for the days leading up. It didn’t feel eventful or fun. I kind of wanted someone to plan something for me but I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I hate planning because I always feel let down by someone or something. But for now, that’s beside the point. To compare myself to a year ago on my birthday by rereading my last year birthday post, it seems like I still have a job and I am saving up money to use on myself. I built myself a computer after my birthday last year and I’ve been using it a little bit here and there. I just bought myself a bigger SSD to add to my computer soon. The next goal I have on my list is to find myself a girlfriend and to maybe find another job or slowly move up in my job track. I guess til next year, we will see how everything will turn out.

10/27/2016

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Once again it’s my birthday. I feel like this year is much better than last year. I feel like last year I was in a really deep hole that seemed hard to get out of. I’m not sure if that’s the truth or not but a lot has changed since last year. Last year, I didn’t have a job but now I do. Last year I had no real future plans while now I feel like I have some better idea of what my future might look like. I’ve been making money and that’s always good but I haven’t really spent it so I’m looking to spend some money to celebrate my working and stuff. I want my big money spending to be practical at the same time so I think I’m going to build a new desktop computer hopefully in the range of 1k give or take some. I thinking I just want a good motherboard, cpu, and video card as well as lots of ram and HD space HDD/SSD and stuff. I’m thinking of buying a wifi extender in hopes that it helps me get a better/constant internet connection. Well I can’t think much more of what to say right now especially since I’m getting tired/sleepy and need to sleep soon so I can wake up for work. So for now, good night and hopefully I’ll have more time and remember to write again soon to continue about my birthday or other things.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

I realize I think to the past for everything little thing that I do. Anything that happens to me gets compared to the past. I start thinking to myself that things weren’t like this in the past and it sort of ruins me and my feelings. I want almost everything to be the same as it was in the past. It’s familiar and I know what happens when certain criteria are fulfilled. It’s hard to do new things because it’s so different and different scares me most of the time. I think I want things to be the same and I want to be in control of what happens rather than let things happen to me. Maybe it’s just my feelings of nostalgia that refuses to let me move forward most of the time. The past is what I already know. The past is something that I’m able to remember, recall, and analyze. Everything in the future can only be analyzed so much but there are endless possibilities of what can happen and you can’t control and think about every consequences of each action. And then there are always random things that throw kinks or appear out of nowhere. 

9/12/15 9:00pm

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

From reading my last post, it seems like a lot has changed but at the same time, not much has changed. I found a job as a behavior technician for little kids aged 2-3. 

I’m not quite sure how much I enjoy the job but it’s a job and I get to hang out with little kids. I teach the kids life skills that will be useful for them. Some of them can’t speak so I teach them how to sign for simple things and if they begin to talk, I help them learn new words or say the words correctly. There’s a lot to feel great about doing this job. When a kid you’re helping learns something new, you get a huge sense of accomplishment and excitement for yourself and the kid. You helped the kid do that thing and they are now able to do it now. But not everything is so happy and exciting all the time. Sometimes, you face some bad patches like the kid is feeling sick or lazy or tired and you’re suppose to help them learn new things and you have to be this bad person that kind of forces them to learn or do things. Sometimes, the kid just want to play and be with their parent but since I’m there, they have to learn and listen to what I say and stay with me. I mean they get breaks but most of the time, they will have to be with me.

Anyways, enough about work. Since I finally got a job and have been working for a while, I guess money is not much of an issue and I don’t feel quite so embarrassed or ashamed of myself in that aspect. Now I just want to get a better job that isn’t so stressful, that pays better, and has better benefits. I also want a girlfriend or someone to talk to because life gets a bit boring and lonesome. I want to be able to tell someone my hopes and dreams and all my deepest darkest secrets and someone to love, cuddle, and be cute with. There are people that I think are cute and kind of talk to but no one really out there for me. I guess I have this tumblr to write some of these things out but it’s just not the same I guess. Maybe I just want to be able to touch someone and be close to someone. 

Well, I think that’s enough writing for now. I’m going to stop writing for now and get ready for work.

August 24, 2015 12:49pm

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Just cause I'm bored and I feel like I haven't written in a while, I'm going to write a post. As of this moment/point in my life, I feel like a complete and utter failure.

I feel like I can't seem to do anything right. I can't seem to find a job or enjoy my life and I feel like I'm angry, annoyed, and stressed out all the time. I try to calm myself down by surfing the web or watching tv/movies/shows or playing games and what not and it helps for a bit but my mind always wanders back to my present state of being so emotional. I just want to find a job and feel like I'm doing something with my life instead of just lazing around and being a bum. I mean, there's nothing wrong with bumming around and such but I want a job so I can make money, feel accomplished and not feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't like talking to people because one of the first things I get asked is what I'm doing. While I basically bullshit my way through my answer, it just hurts to keep thinking about the fact that in reality, I'm not doing much.

I feel like the lack of job is my main problem and results in so much insecurities that I have. But maybe it's not the main problem but rather an excuse for me to blame everything on. Maybe I need to start to think more positively and being more proactive with my free time. I'll probably never get so much free time in my life for a really long time. I should cherish all this free time I have and not think about the negatives in my life. I should focus on the positives. But all of this is pretty much in vain because I can think about all of these things but the winning thought/idea within is inferiority/insecurities and pessimism. 

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Well since today is officially October 26th, my birthday is technically tomorrow. I feel like I've been feeling this way every year for the past years but I don't really care much for my birthday. I'm turning 24 this year but I feel like once you get past 21, there isn't much to look forward for a while. I guess maybe it's because I don't really do anything for my birthday and no one really does anything for my birthday. Maybe if I was actually doing stuff for my birthday, I would care a bit more about my birthday. I just feel like my birthday is like any other day so I guess it shouldn't matter. Well, this is basically my post for my birthday for now. I'll probably write another one but for now, this will do.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

It's been more than three years since I've had a girlfriend. I'm not even sure how it even feels to be in love anymore. Randomly throughout the day, I get flashbacks or think of memories of when I was in a relationship. I remember the fact that we were always hanging out together or doing things together. Thinking about it now, it feels a bit lonely to know that I don't have anyone I can be close with. I still remember the cuddling, kissing, hugging, and closeness that I used to have with her. But the fact still remains that I don't know what it feels like to be in love anymore. Even though I can still remember all that stuff, it just feels like a distant memory. Well maybe since it's been three years, then it's considered a distant memory. It makes me realize that maybe I should try to fall in love again. But how does one start falling in love again. It's not like I can walk up to someone and be like, hey do you want to be my girlfriend? Things are suppose to be more subtle and under the surface. I'm not sure if I'm very good at masking my emotions or when I see an attractive person but hopefully it shows a little bit so that they know. And hopefully that person thinks I'm attractive too but that's a long shot. I guess I don't have much confidence in my looks and I feel like I have to rely on my personality, which to be honest, is probably better because I get to see their personality rather than depend on their looks. I mean I would want an attractive person which is in the eye of the beholder but I want someone that I can connect with and feel comfortable with talking and being alone. Appearances only last for so long before you start to see past it.

At the same time, I'm not so sure if I want to have a girlfriend because I should be focusing on myself and improving myself and finding a job. I mean I could get a girlfriend and a job while improving myself but sometimes you have to let things happen and take things step by step. I have to figure out what is more important to me and right now I feel like focusing on myself is more important than finding a girlfriend. A girlfriend might not last forever and if I focus on myself, I'm sure that sooner or later, I'll find a girlfriend.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

"The most important things are the hardest to say." Hearing this quote from Stephen King, it made me realize how strongly believe in it. I always feel like the most important things that make or break someone are usually the hardest to say. There's never quite a right way to say it without diminishing the quality and gravity of the words. By putting it into words, it takes away from the meaning and importance of it. I feel like the words that I want to say so badly are the one that should sometimes never be uttered because of the dire consequences and repercussions. But then again, maybe it's because the things I want to say are usually the words inside people's heads that are itching to get out but no one has the strength to say.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Bored

As i sit in the car driving to Davis, i see the beautiful moon to my right. The moon looks like it will be a full moon anyday soon because it almost looks big and complete. As i stare at moon, i feel all of these memories flooding back to me. The warm fuzzy memories that ive longed for. This feeling can be quite addicting. It feels like i can take on the world and im invincible. Nothing can stop me. But i dont use this feeling for that reason. I use it to make me feel happy just for a while. I cherish this feeling because i dont know when ill be able to feel like this again. So before this feeling fades, im recording it in here so i can read it and maybe feel a fraction of this feeling.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

I feel like I am and will forever be stuck in the past. Or at least a part of me. I'm not quite sure if that's a good or a bad thing but I know for sure that this will probably never change. The past is so familiar to me and not so scary. I've done a lot of stupid shit but for the most part, I've learned to move on and forgive myself for it. I think the past will always be a part of me because of all the fond memories I have. From my first memories of going to Texas and all the childish innocent thoughts I had to playing badminton in high school to all the friends and moments I've had in college, those memories were the moments that I want to forever live in. But it doesn't do me good to keep looking to the past.

Those times were great but it's not like I have a time machine to re experience them again. I think one of the main reason I'm stuck in the past is because one of my close friends is so far away from me. I'm not quite sure if I talked about her before on this account but this friend is a big part of me. I think i'm just afraid of losing her if I don't continually think about her and the memories we shared. It doesn't help that she's halfway across the world and that we don't talk as often as I would like. I mean I could always shoot her a message but what do I say. What do I talk about. It feels like there's nothing new to say to her. Our conversations always gets depressing. I find about how hard her life is and that makes me not want to say anything about me missing her or wanting her to be here. But I'm sure she already knows that.

It's like one of those things that you know but sometimes you want to hear it just to make sure. So I'm here and she's there, and we are both coasting through our lives at this moment. Nothing substantial or interesting. Just trying to get by until. I'm not even sure what we're waiting for anymore. Maybe we're waiting until I get a job, or she gets a job and comes to the US. Or maybe I'm too weak to realize that it was never about her. It was about me not wanting to grow up and putting the blame on everything but myself. Because I don't want to see myself as flawed but it's alright if other people are. Maybe it's just easier to push things away than to deal with them.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

New crush: Lily Collins

Something I find sexy: Glasses

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

I feel like I haven't written in a while and I feel the need to write something down. Especially since there's been so many thoughts running through my head constantly. I feel like I want to write them down but it never felt like the right time and when the right time comes, the thoughts escape me. So I guess I'll just start with today and the right now.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed listening to Skinny Love by Birdy, which is oddly calming to me. I guess I'm just addicted to this song and I feel the need to constantly play it when I remember too. I'm not quite sure if it's because it's a slow song with piano backing or if it's the words that speak to me but nonetheless, it has a calming effect on me.

Now onto my day. This day like any other day started out with waking up somewhat tired but somewhat refreshed. I hopped out of bed, put on my slippers and brushed my teeth. I proceeded to go onto my computer and looking at various sites ranging from tumblr to manga websites. I check to see if there's anything new or interesting and read up on them. I remember that my friend had just broken up with her boyfriend so I text her hoping to get a response to hang out so that she doesn't wallow in depressing thoughts and get into a neverending spiral of negative thoughts. Luckily, she responded and we made plans to grab some food and talk. At the same time, I texted my sick sister who just happened to be at the doctors getting medicine and wanted to meet up to get lunch. I grabbed lunch with her where I proceeded to make fun of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. Moving on, I get home and do some laundry because there's too much dirty clothes and towels and such. I finish laundry just in time to get a small break and meet up with my friend. I pick her up and we decide to go to Yardhouse. I haven't been to Yardhouse in so long and it was a pleasant feeling to go back there. It's not like I really missed it but it was a nostalgic type of feeling. It was like a "it's good to be back" feeling. I didn't order that much food because I had just eating lunch with my sister a few hours before and was still feeling it. We ended up order some ahi sliders, onion ring tower, and a pepperoni mushroom pizza. She managed to finish the slider while I made it through like a third of the onion rings and about a third of the pizza. We got the leftover boxed up and I took back to school where she had to go to a group project. I ended driving the streets home because the freeway was full of traffic. I got home and got into some comfortable clothes where I have been since. It's pretty much a lazy type of night now where I lay in bed, surf tumblr and write pointless tumblr posts. I'm not quite sure how the rest of the night is going to pan out but it feels relaxing to laze around pondering random thoughts and writing random tumblr posts.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Why do I feel the need to torture myself every night thinking about people from my past. Maybe its because those people are forever etched in my memory and a part of me misses them. And it doesnt help that my mind likes to constantly remind me of them through my dreams. To those I'll probably never see again, it was nice knowing you guys while it lasted. It may have been for a little bit or a long time but you're etched in my mind so that means you were important to me at some point. Its a shame that we couldnt keep in touch but life and shit happens. It cant be helped that it just happens without you noticing. To those that I'll hopefully see again, hurry it up. Im getting pretty lonely and tired of waiting. You guys need to find a quicker way to get to me. With that being said, I'll be waiting especially for those that I feel like im close to.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Here I am once again, late at night, with a million thoughts flowing through my head never giving me a chance to fully think things through. One moment, I'm think about the dreams I have in the past that I can seem to recall, which range from happy dreams where I'm happy with just being friends with someone to something depressing like my cousin dying and I had to go to her funeral. Then there are thoughts about how the world would be a different and maybe a better place if I was never born or if I died. If i were to die or disappear, who would really miss me. I'm pretty only a few people would even care. I would have a few friends and my family. If there's not that many people, does that mean I lived a pathetic and or an unfulfilling life. I have no clue. The problem with most of these thoughts are that they aren't very cheerful and happy. It makes me want to think about the past more than the present or future. I can look back on my life and pinpoint the happy cheerful moments in my life. Those moments are the moments that I would love to go back to and relive again. Those moments are set in stone and can never be changed. Sure, someone could bring up another side of the moment, but the moment for the most part will be what I remember and make of it. I look back on all the moments that I had with my friends enjoying life and myself and it makes me want to go back. Oh how I wish I could go back to the times that seemed much simpler and more enjoyable. It's funny because I could just be romanticizing these memories when the memories were just mudane but it's ultimately what I make of it or rather what my head makes of it. And probably years from now, I'll look back at this time and realize that I was being overdramatic but in terms of the now/present, I am not really enjoying my life right now. It seems like I have no direction and nothing going for me. I sit here thinking what I'm doing with my life. I try to reassess my life but then my mind just completely destroys that thoughts with a bunch of depressing stuff and where does that get me. Nowhere. Well I guess it's time to stop thinking too much before I start to panic and what now and then I'm not able to sleep. I think I'm going to have to distract myself for a bit before going to sleep.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Well since I haven't written in a while, I decided to write something that's been kind of on my mind. It's the topic of death. If I were to die, what would be left with of me and my memories. What would be left of my surroundings, environment, and people I left behind. Would they mourn my death or be better off without me. I'm sure the answer is pretty obvious. Everything around me would be mourning my death and would be in a sad and depressing state. Well at least the people that know of my death. Even if they barely knew me or knew me very well, they would all be feeling something similar. Well I guess I should say that they should be feeling something similar if they had a shred of humanity and such but that's kind of unfair and messed up of me to say.

Anyways, the main part of death I wanted to talk about was the idea of remembering the person. I feel like in most cases, when a person dies, that person is put on a pedestal. After their death, it's like that person was an angel that could do no wrong. When discussing the dead person, there's never going to be a time when someone's going to bad mouth him or her. I feel like is both a good and bad thing. It's a good thing because when I die, I want people to think that I lived a good life, full of helping people and being an overall good person but it's also a bad thing because I want people to know the real me with all of my flaws. It's a very complicated and conflicting feeling. Well if I die, I'm sure my friends would say good things about me overall but also slip in those silly stories they love to tell. I'm not sure if I would be happy with the stories they would tell because it gives people a bad impression of me but I guess I would happy that they would be able to do that. It would give people a different perspective of me but also get a little bit closer to the real me; the person that I am that very few know.

Ugh. I'm not even sure if any of this makes any sense because I'm trying to listen to music, watch tv, and write this post while this topic seems to be slowly slipping through my fingers as I try to write it. But hopefully it's somewhat coherent and clear enough for people to understand or for whoever reads this blog. Maybe I'll think about it some more and give it another try and do it some justice because I feel like I didn't do this topic nor the thought in my head some justice.

[ohthosefeelingsofnostalgia]

Well I'm not sure how many people actually read this blog but... Happy birthday to me. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad or just kind of melancholy but it's my birthday and I feel like there should be some meaningful feeling with it but as of right now, I don't have that much feelings towards the idea of my birthday. But regardless of what I'm feeling or not feeling, it's my birthday. So once again, Happy birthday to me...