just existing, not living

[oishijiji]

when i met him

i was warned

he held chains

shattered mirrors and drunk bruises

he came in dangerously

he is danger

but i've let him use them on me

i've let him lashed out on me

with violent words, with suffocating vows

his tongue lashing out on my imperfections

he made me look at the mirror

shattered, broken

a reflection of my soul deep inside

his chains held me back

detaining me, caged me

until i am winged bird

that forgot how to fly

it made me questioned

who is more toxic in this one

what have i done with those neon warnings

[oishijiji]

i can still remember those times when we will just sit in that corner and talk about our dreams while watching the sky full of stars, on how excited we were for the both of us. achieving both our dreams and goals in life. even tho it means we both have to be in distance. well we both made it love, it was tough. it was so hard. it is until now. we’re still far from everything but hang on. bec there’s nothing the two of us cant do. one day when the storm will pass through us, i know we’ll be back in each other’s arms and just laugh at everything we’ve been through. hopefully soon. life has been tough lately but we can do this love. i miss you...

[oishijiji]

with him, it started so light and simple. i didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach or my heart skipping a beat. no, it felt like removing my bra when i get home. it felt like wearing my slippers after wearing tight shoes. it felt like pajamas. it felt like sunday morning when i’m drinking my coffee with a blanket wrapped around me while watching the rain roll down the window and hearing the low sound from the television. it felt calm and nostalgic. that’s probably how you know that you’re finally home. love comes when you don’t expect it, so don’t chase it. let it find you.

[oishijiji]

will you remember me

when i am gone?

will you wonder what happened

when my voice is silent?

will you smile at the thought

of some words i once wrote?

[oishijiji]

She's holding a pen

but maybe she picked up the wrong one,

even with pencil in hand

I doubted she can write

her greatest masterpiece for the meantime

She's holding a pen

but there are no words wanted to be chosen,

even with ideas in her head

I doubted she can spill the lines

if it's a product of her chaotic mind

She's holding a pen

but once upon a time her favorite one was stolen,

and even with a smile on her face

I doubted she can express because

long time ago her thoughts were once kissed by darkness

[oishijiji]

dating me isn’t a walk in the park. i don’t sugarcoat my relationship with someone to make an illusion of it as fairytale-like. i’m gonna put every problem, conflict, complication on the table. i’m gonna say those painful truths. no, i’m not the type of girl who would choose to shut up about those stuff to keep my partner and i both happy. that’s not because i’m complaining. that’s because i want to fix these shits as soon as possible to make the relationship survive ‘cause the truth is love alone is never enough to keep a relationship in this world. you need to do something else too. that’s why i won’t stop eliminating even the smallest problems even if that costs silly arguments and fights. no, i’m not complaining. it’s just that i care a lot. truth be told, if i don’t give a damn then i wouldn’t even bother thinking about these negative stuff that can just stress me out.

[oishijiji]

i  look back at where we were a year ago, and i remember things being different, a lot different. it's amazing how much can change in a year. crazy, i'm supposed to be familiar with how we are in the present and feel like the past is a stranger to me, but it's actually the other way around. that's probably because i'm having a difficulty in embracing what's on the table. i'm clinging to the past that will never occur now or in the future, and that's going to be the death of me.

[oishijiji]

i can't plant healing words

on that barren soul of yours

'cause you went off too far by wandering

and yet you still manage

to flaunt your wounds while saying

"my scars aren't your stories

so stop worrying about me;

they may look awful and deep,

i may feel them for too long

but they are mine to begin with.

it was so good to have something

i haven't felt for a while

so, please let me carry these with a smile."

she moved away

and left me thinking

how can a wounded past

be able to narrate her inner change

in a span of little time.

//4:15 AM - 10 April 2020

[oishijiji]

u ‘til the end

[wishing-for-deathx]

I’m just completely broken right now. I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do.

I just want you to come back. Please come back

[everythings-reminding-me-of-you]

14 months since you left and I was in bed with a guy who isn’t you for the first time. I let him hug me but I couldn’t bare to do anything else with him. When he left I sobbed because whilst his arms were around me all I could think about was you and I’m scared I’ll never stop comparing everyone to you.

-28/04/19

[oishijiji]

i can

see the

sadness

in your

eyes.

but each

and every

day, you

never fail

to smile

stay strong

my sunshine

i can't lose

you.

[oishijiji]

away

take me away

somewhere far,

very far away from here

i have to get away

before i end up

taking my life away

just for the sake

of being away

take me away

and away we go

i promise

i will never come back

take me away

to the point of no return.

[shane-frost]

“He did not want me. And so he left….

…and I stayed.

Not even a shadow anymore…only half of one. Just half.

I am……alone, painter……the better part of me is gone…..Have you ever felt this way too…? “

———————–

Music by Jeremy Soule. https://youtu.be/_Z1VzsE1GVg

[teacup13-deactivated20200319]

love is as complicated as

the universe & as simple as

a kiss, yet wherever I am, I’m

missing, the pain of miles is

nothing compared to the

distance between two

hearts & though the

problem with my heart

is that it has no exit, I let

you go, but my love

did not

[oishijiji]

i've realized that it was a shallow part of me thinking that i could only write beautiful pieces whenever i'm sad and i think it is been two years the last time i wrote something out of sadness wherein ironically it made a lot of people smile and inspired. fortunately, i have grown and made it out from that cage. the empty cup of mine is now filled with something unknown to me but i am truly happy with it. i no longer write but once i have the courage to bleed again, i can proudly say that i typed those words with a smiling heart.

[thoughtkick]

“Do you ever have those random nights where your brain won’t shut off, even though your body feels like five hundred pounds of exhausted.”

— Becky Albertalli (via resqectable)