I love Stray Kids, and Han, you are my favorite. This is my second letter to you all. I once wrote that Lonely St. is my best beloved song, but I've truly loved your Volcano as well. I want to share the story I saw unfolding through Volcano:
“Even at night, the darkness disappears when you’re with me. You brought me warmth and light for the very first time. You held me, including all of my wounds, and I let myself be spoiled. You touched my loneliness and filled the emptiness inside me. You’re warm, almost to the point of melting, or even burning. Where does that heat come from? Then I saw the anger and desire simmering inside you. You carry an unhealed loneliness, born from some past wound. That wound is invisible, and yet it’s still bleeding like hot blood. Sometimes, your loneliness makes you doubt others and lash out. Some people may find it hard to be with you. So take me to the root of your pain. Just hold me—I don’t care if I get hurt.”
I tried to understand why I love this song so much. When I hear the lyrics say, “You can hurt me,” I can’t help but think, “Why would you say that? I had been doing my best to make sure no one would ever have to say such a thing.” Maybe the reason those words cut so deep is because I regret that I couldn’t believe, in my own relationships, that being hurt—sometimes—might be not only okay or safe, but even something important for us. In life, there might be moments when we need words like “you can hurt me.” But I guess I avoided them. I ran away.
After leaving that closeness behind, and with my precious one slipping through my hands, this kind of thought started to rise in me:
Do not touch me. I will never tell you what I truly feel. And so, everything I say becomes a lie. What a thing… I can only reach the parts of the world I understand. But he could touch even what I couldn’t grasp. Maybe that’s why he didn’t seem afraid. But maybe he was hurting somewhere beyond my sight. Was there something I could understand, and he could not? His warm, thick, smooth, soft hands. Those arms held me so tightly, nearly crushing me. Were we really touching each other in that moment? It feels like I never let myself be touched. And still… he was truly my treasure. I’m sorry. Could it be that pain was the only way I ever knew myself, the only path I carried from childhood? Was it the only feeling I ever knew how to nurture? Now, I’m here without him. I don’t think I can allow myself to open my heart anymore.
I used to be afraid of opening my heart like this. But at my current workplace, I’m trying to be more honest—trying to speak from my true feelings. Just like how all Stray Kids members open your hearts to one another.