therapy frog

[oldstuff123456-blog]

I feel like I can't post confessions where anyone will see them.

But I still want to post them somewhere.

But if my friends see them they'll want to know why I don't talk to them about it.

But just cuz I don't like walking in and seeing someone on my bed doesn't mean I want to tell them to stop it.

Just like I never told one of my roommates that I didn't like it when she talked on the phone while I was doing homework.

[oldstuff123456-blog]

Confession

I never like walking into my room and seeing someone besides one of my roommates sitting or laying on my bed.

I kinda feel bad about that.

[oldstuff123456-blog]

I'm not doing this again

I am never living in a house with ten girls again. After this, I'm having one roommate. Two, if you really convince me. Screw the effing dishes, I don't care. I'm sorry dishes on the counter makes you angry first thing in the morning and that crappy soap-covered water-filled improperly-loaded dishes in the dishwasher make me angry, but there's no solution to dishes in the kitchen when there are this many people. Anything we do to try and fix it is either going to be utterly useless or make people angry.

Just screw it.

[oldstuff123456-blog]

You know what I think I want?

Here's the thing. I don't go around feeling all "I want a boyfriend" all the time. But you know what I think I want?

Connection with a guy. Not just we work together or we're in the same class or we hang out now and then. Connection.

I don't want a guy interested in me when I'm not interested in him because then I'm afraid of connection--I don't want to encourage his feelings when I can't return them and connection isn't feasible without that risk.

I don't want a guy I'm interested in who isn't interested in me, because connection will feed my like of him and probably be unhealthy for both of us.

So...there either has to be mutual interest...or he has to be my brother (which is probably just what I really want, my brother)...or he could be gay, I suppose...

How come some people (like my best friend) are "friend zone central" and I'm "Ignore me unless you're in love with me"? I swear, guys don't want to hang out with me unless they're interested in me. End of story. It's the way the world is. As much as I tell myself tight guy-girl friendships will end and can turn unhealthy, I still hate that other people are close to guys and I'm not.

It's the one thing I've always desperately wanted and the one things I've always been completely denied.

[oldstuff123456-blog]

Guys

Three young men.

My housemate's boyfriend is probably the sweetest guy I've ever seen. Last night he offered to make me an armband to carry my phone when I go running and he caught up with me at school today to get the dimensions of my phone. He's very gentle and kind and called me "Sister."

I went to a barbecue with a friend I've had for a few years. We had a thing for a bit but we talked about it last semester and I told him I didn't think our relationship was going anywhere. We're still friends and I haven't had a crush on anyone since grieving my brother's death two years ago. Today I remembered how much I actually like hanging out with him. What makes me sad is how many of my friends--not a lot, but a few, which is a few too many--don't really like him. Do you know how it hurts to get an "ew" or a critical comment when you mention the name of someone you actually really like, even if you don't want to be with him? It's not really fair. I'm sure I've spent more time with him and gotten to know him better than my friends who are too harsh.

Then there's this other guy. I met him very recently. He's sweet and adorable and fun. When I was talking to him, I thought it'd be great if we could just be friends. You know, buddies. Hang out. Have fun. When I checked out his Facebook and saw bf-gf pictures of him and a girl, I felt a little disappointed and kind of embarrassed. Why should I care? I only just met him. Then I realized the girl, his girlfriend, was at the party, and they did not act like they were together. So maybe they aren't anymore. But they were last year. It doesn't matter. What bothers me is that...that I cared if he had a girlfriend or not. I wanted to just be friends. Is it cuz I know we can't really be buddies? To make matters worse, he's a sophomore and I'm a senior. I feel like I should forget it right there because I'm graduated and out of here two years before he is. And I'm older, which feels weird at this age. In 5 years it won't be.

Okay? So here's the problem. I don't feel...crushy. I feel a little ashamed that I took some interest in this guy. I don't know why I feel ashamed. Actually I feel like I shouldn't be. Should I let myself like a guy every now and then? I have too many thoughts on the topic of liking guys...

But is it okay to just like a guy a little because he was cute and friendly? I'm sure nothing will come of it and I'm okay with that. I'd like to be friends, though.

'Course, I know how friends turn out...and I can't decide if my thoughts on that really need changing at all.

Can we just be friends?

[oldstuff123456-blog]

It's the freaking SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL and I feel like half the girls in the living room are already stressed, exhausted, depressed, and completely grouchy.

No can handle.

It's hot, my computer's overheating, all I've eaten in the last couple days is sandwiches and scrambled barley-eggs-beans, I can't figure my brain out.

I feel like I must have some disorder or something. But I also think it will pass.

Then there's everything else. Too much guilt. I feel like I don't work hard enough. That I haven't worked hard enough. That I won't do enough this year.

Tired.

I worked extra hours today. But it was nice. More money. Nice people.

[oldstuff123456-blog]

I feel weird and almost-but-not-quite guilty for feeling happy.

But I like it. I missed my energy.