Why would I think this time would be different?
Why would I allow myself to believe after so many years of disappointment?
Why did I think with me it would be different?
Why?
Is it because you though he would change?
No, that’s not it. You know he won’t change.
Is it because you though he would realize what he’s been doing?
No, it’s been years. You know if he hasn’t, he never will.
Is it because you thought you would get back some of the years you have lost with him?
Maybe. But I know now, that’s not possible.
“You’re 21, you’re old enough now.”
“You have your own life now.”
“You should be over it by now.”
This is what people tell me.
This is what people believe.
I am old enough, now.
I do have my own life, now.
But, this is not only a cry from 21 year old me.
This is a cry from 9 year old me.
12 year old me…
16 year old me…
19 year old me…
I allowed myself to believe in him once again.
To let my guard down, to give him a chance.
Hoping that we could make up for all that we’ve missed.
Hoping that we could finally have the relationship little me has always wanted.
Thinking that he would put me first.
Oh, how I believed it
And oh, how I thought it was actually coming true…
But as always, he found another someone.
Another someone to give his all too.
Another someone who he gave all his attention too.
Another someone who was forced into our lives. Another someone who he would put above his children.
Another someone until the next someone came along….
It’s a routine.
A routine that we have all gotten accustomed too.
A routine that I have had to follow all my life.
A routine that has made me angry.
A routine that has caused me a great amount of pain.
A routine that I thought, I hoped, would change once we got closer…
But I guess a routine is a routine for a reason.
And I was foolish enough to believe I could change his routine.
Like I was foolish to believe we could get those years back.
Like I was foolish to believe, this time, it would be different.
This is a message to 9 year old me
12 year old me
16 year old me…
All those times he bailed on you, that wasn’t your fault.
When he would spend more time with his girlfriends kids, it’s not because you were a bad one.
It’s okay that you were so quiet and didn’t like to talk about feelings.
It’s okay that you cried and felt hurt. You had every reason too. It wasn’t stupid.
It’s okay that you were scared of people leaving you. It still is.
But because he did, doesn’t mean everyone else will.
It’s okay.
You are not to blame.
Now,
a message to 21 year old me.
It’s okay that you are still hurting because of this.
It’s okay to be angry at him.
But don’t let this make you bitter.
Don’t let this make you hard.
You tried, you played your part.
You learned.
It’s still not your fault.
