I wake to muffled cries. A quick glance at Emmyâs monitor reveals itâs not coming from her. Our sweet baby girl has been sleeping through the night for the past month much to her brotherâs relief as their bedrooms are adjacent. I briefly rub the sleep from my eyes and realize the distressed sounds is Owen. Heâs laying on his stomach but I can see his frightened face contorted with anxiety. Beads of sweat from his forehead blend in with the tears that escape from his tightly shut eyes. I sit up and start to gently shake him awake, afraid of what heâs dreaming of. Owen doesnât take too long to jolt awake and sit straight up in record timing. His blue eyes dart back and forth and heâs breathless. I reach out and stroke his face that is sticky from sweat.
âHey, itâs okay. Youâre okay.â I try my best to soothe him. It takes Owen a little bit to be able to form words.
âBad dream. Iâm fine. Go back to sleep please.â
I softly smile at him and squeeze his hand. His T-shirt clings to his body from how much he was sweating.
âI canât go back to sleep until I know youâre okay so why donât you tell me what all of that was about?â
âI canât talk about it, Amelia. Itâs scary and traumatic. I donât want to go there, especially not with you. I couldnât take it if you started to think of me the way others have.â
I raise my eyebrows, feeling taken back. There is only one thing he has remained tight lipped about â his time in the army.
âOwen, Iâm your wife. The wife that has had her fair share of dark and scary things. I canât help you through it if I donât know what is torturing you in your sleep. You married a recovering addict and alcoholic with chronic mommy and daddy issues. I have no room to judge.â
Owen peered over at the clock on his nightstand. Itâs just after two in the morning.
âItâs late and we have a baby that will be up in a few hours. I swear Iâll be okay. Iâm going to jump in the shower and rinse off really quick. I feel disgusting.â
âOwen, please just tell me what it was about. I can handle whatever it is.â
He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily.
âDrop it for Christâs sake. I donât need to talk about it. Iâm sorry for waking you up.â
My stomach started to form knots so I just gave his hand another squeeze.
âOkay, Iâll change the sheets then come check on you.â
I watched him walk away while my heart sank. His normal 5â11â self from now looked similar to my 5â3â frame purely from how mentally exhausted he looked.
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Itâs not often that I have such vivid flashbacks to my time served in the army, especially not about the explosion. Iâm not sure how much time has passed when Amelia comes in and starts the water. I only notice her briefly, unable to tear my eyes away from my reflection in the mirror. Sometimes itâs hard to see why Amelia is attracted to me when I look like I do right now. Thereâs huge bags under my eyes, skin abnormally pale, and my hair is slicked against my head from the sweat. Another moment or two passes by the time I feel my wifeâs petite arms envelope my abdomen.
âBath water is ready. I know you said you wanted a shower but I wanted to join you. Itâll also help you to soak your tense muscles.â
I couldnât keep a sheepish smile from escaping.
âAmelia, I donât know what Iâve done to deserve you but I sure am glad I have you. I didnât mean to be so curt with you earlier. Itâs hard.â
Her small hands cupped my face and she pulled me in for a soft kiss which I happily reciprocated. Things didnât seem to be so bad when she was by my side.
âI just want you to be okay. Leo, Emma, and I need you here both mentally and physically.â
I kissed her again and let my lips linger against hers.
âIâm right here. You and the kids canât get rid of me that easy.â
She pulls me by the hand over to the tub and takes her own sleep shirt off while I peel my sweat drenched T-shirt and pajama pants off. She gets in first and ushers me to get in front her which is different for us. Usually she curls up in my arms but Iâm happy to have her hold me for once. If only I could protect her from the horrors of my past.
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Owen didnât say much in the bathtub but it was still nice to just have him lay there with me. Itâs not too often we get so much one on one time with each other because Leo or Emma needs one or both of us.
Once we were dried off and back in our freshly made bed, I pulled him to me and let him rest his head on my chest. His ginger curls still damp from the water smelt like his lemon and sandalwood soap.
âOwen, please remember you can tell me anything. I just want to know what scared you so much.â
He sighed heavily but tightened his arms around me.
âItâs not easy for me to talk about⊠I donât want it to change what you think about me. Itâs not a light story.â
âI figured as much. There isnât anything you could tell me that would change what I think about you. I love you. Youâre my husband and my smoking hot baby daddy.â
Owen let out a sarcastic chuckle which made me giggle. At least I could still get him to smile even when heâs not wanting to.
âI love you more⊠Now Iâm going to tell you this one time and I really donât want to elaborate on it⊠We were on a convoy and hit an IED. I wasnât hurt too badly but everyone else was subsequently killed. Dan Mooney, who served with me as Colonel, initially lived but his injures were too severe and he succumbed to his injuries only after I had to say a Hail Mary with him and he forced me to take my hand off of the wound on his neck. He bled out right before I was rescued by a helicopter. Now I live my life with immense survivorâs guilt. When I nearly choked Cristina to death, that was because I was triggered merely by the blades on our ceiling fan. Callie Torres was actually the one that got me off of her. I havenât forgiven myself for that.â
His entire body went rigid as he explained the details which just broke my heart. He had been through so much at Grey Sloan without everything that occurred during his time served.
âYou know⊠whatever higher being out there wanted to keep you alive for a reason. Now look at your life. Youâre married to a brilliant neurosurgeon, a father to a five year old son and six month old daughter, head of trauma surgery, and we own a beautiful house and both of our vehicles.â
âI know weâve been very rich in that sense but it doesnât make what happened to my platoon okay. My own mother didnât know I was home from the army for the longest time⊠Who I was then is different from who I am now. The army changed me overnight.â
I softly kissed the top of his head and wished that I could protect him from the world much like we try to protect Leo and Emma.
âI love who you are now. Your journey makes you who you are. Youâre not a bad man, Owen. Itâs nothing you couldâve controlled. You werenât driving and no one knew there would be an IED right in the path. You did what you could with the resources you had in the time that you had.â
Owen looked up at me with huge, watery eyes. I held him as close to me as I could. His facial expression reminded me of Leoâs when heâs in time out.
âMia, there are times where the pain seems unfathomable. When I get flashbacks or have night terrors, everything feels so raw and recent. How am I supposed to be strong for you and the kids?â
âThatâs the thing, my love. You donât always have to be the strong one. Iâve had my fair share of hard things. We are equals. Youâre strong when I canât be so I can do the same for you.â
Owenâs shaky hand reached up to caress my cheek.
âYou are a saint. Letâs try to get some sleep before Emmy needs to nurse again. Just feeling you in the bed helps me feel safe.â
Another kiss on Owenâs head then one on his lips stretched a sweet smile across his face. He looked exhausted but more content by the time he started to doze off. It was a quarter past three in the morning before he was asleep again though I couldnât sleep. All I could think of was his trauma and what steps we needed to take to get him into some form of counseling. If I can do NA or AA meetings, he could see a PTSD expert.
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