this is a place for me to reflect on you

S.

[one-super-sad-guy]

Boy it's been awhile, see this is the only place know one knows who I am completely anonymous, just a voice in the void.

The place I cam let my ego run the show and that's what I need right now a place to vent see I'm not supposed to say the things I'm about to say but I'm gonna.

Miss vicious the women who stoll my heart you took away my voice away you labeled me crazy.

Things were good untill something changed I still don't know what it was, i was once told your family made you do it, that they would cut you off financially if you didn't end things.. you ended things and it hurt. It was so hard to let you go.. you triggered every single one of my abandonment issues yes that's true, but crazy, stalker, harassment really? That's how you felt? After all the love the magic the memories? You tainted them with lies about me you made everyone believe I was a bad person I lost my job over it. What did I do... you called me crazy I stayed silent you said I was harassing you, I said I was worried about your drinking, you said I was stalking you I said it was a friendly check up I guess it doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong and maybe I'm not really mad at you for drawing my name through mud well I defended and uplifted yours. Maybe I'm really made at the fucking vons maybe if just one person would have listened things would be different maybe you would have got help and avoided the spiral maybe if you didn't convince your family I was a stalker they would have listened maybe if you didn't convince the congregation I was wiked some one would have listened.

They night you admitted you had a problem was the night I new someone needed to protect you, you forced me out of your life well you ruined mine just for tring to help you made me belive I was wiked and evil and bad all so you could continue to drown your shame in addiction. I'm not happy how things turned out intact I'm truly worried about you the legal system is rigged but I hope it gets you the help you need and one day I know we will talk because I know what step 9 of 12 is. I look forward to that day and finally getting closer hell it's been 3 years we should have been best friends by now.

[one-super-sad-guy]

Karma,

Damn karma you are real.

The universe is a funny little place.

I feel trapped.. like I have no escape.

I understand how you felt and why you did the things you did.

It sucks to hurt someone who loves you by saying goodbye.

I think there is more to this lesson but for know

Damn karma, I see you.

[one-super-sad-guy]

The thing is.

I made you some promises,

And whether you and your son are in my life or aren't.

I intend on keeping thoes promises.

[one-super-sad-guy]

The question I'm scared to ask.

Is this all for her, or is this for me?

I see the question Scattered across the faces in church.

I fell the awkwardness in the kind words of these strangers as they question if my motives are pure

I dont know, im to scared to dig that deep and find out, to be completely honest.

But I do know that it is hard for me too.

I also know that with out god and this church it's even harder.

I know how easy it is to slip in to the world and it scares me because I know how far down that fall can be.

My dad always told me that the easy way ain't the right way and the right way is probably the hard way.

As hard as it is for you just know it's hard for me too.

It's hard for me to face your family every week.

It's hard for me to see your son and not want to reach out.

It's hard knowing you dont go because I made it hard for you also.

With out this church I slip and I trip and sooner or later I will fall. So no matter how hard it is, I have to keep doing this for myself.

I think maybe I just answered my question..

[one-super-sad-guy]

I loved you with all of me

[buttonpoetry]

“Loving you was the last thing I felt really good at.”

— Rudy Francisco,“Scars”

[one-super-sad-guy]

I miss you and that sweet child.

I miss the sundays when I would be working and faintly here that voice cry out "maamaa bobby?" Then I'd turn around and see you and your tiny hooman as he ran to hug me with that sweet smile on his face. I miss watching you put him to bed as you would say "repeat after me now I lay me down to sleep" as soon as the prayer stopped he would always cry out. "blu lights" I miss the way you would gently crawl over me out of bed in the morning to get ready for work, with sleep in my eyes I would here him say "maamaa" then I would whisper it's okay she will be right back then so sweetly and innocently he would say "bobby hold me"

I miss the childish arguments I would have with him just to see his little reactions "no bobby!" With his prominent little finger wag 🧏‍♂️. I miss the random facetime calls because "Declan wanted to say hi" but most of all I miss that feeling of a family that feeling of completion. If I had one more night with you it would be spent on the couch with you laying in my arms and as your son burnt out all his energy jumping around the house and playing with his toys untill he wore him self out and fell asleep in ur arms well we watching riverdale or the 100. I miss his dresser that filled the empty corner under the window where u would keep his diapers and toys, I miss the arcade games, i miss finding random socks and bowling, I miss how he would light up because I brought him a new little fire truck toy all he could say was "happy happy happy" that melted my heart to watch him jump for joy with that big smile in circles just repeating him self "happy happy happy" I guess the biggest surprise to me was not falling in love with you but falling in love with you and your son. And the hardest part of it all is forgiving my self for makeing decisions that cost me that little family.

I sit here with so much to say but I cant say it to you so i write these run on Sentences with horrible grammar in Hope's that maybe you'll see it. But you won't and I cant blame u for cutting me out of you life so I'll just end this here with lyrics from a song

"I apologize

I seen the innocence leave your eyes

I still mourn this death and

I apologize for all the stillborns 'cause I wasn't present

Your body wouldn't accept it

And I apologize 'cause at your best you are love

And because I fall short of what I say I'm all about

Your eyes leave with the soul that your body once housed

And you stare blankly into space

Thinkin' of all the time, you wasted it on all this basic shit

So I apologize"

[one-super-sad-guy]

I miss you and that sweet child.

I miss the sundays when I would be working and faintly here that voice cry out "maamaa bobby?" Then I'd turn around and see you and your tiny hooman as he ran to hug me with that sweet smile on his face. I miss watching you put him to bed as you would say "repeat after me now I lay me down to sleep" as soon as the prayer stopped he would always cry out. "blu lights" I miss the way you would gently crawl over me out of bed in the morning to get ready for work, with sleep in my eyes I would here him say "maamaa" then I would whisper it's okay she will be right back then so sweetly and innocently he would say "bobby hold me"

I miss the childish arguments I would have with him just to see his little reactions "no bobby!" With his prominent little finger wag 🧏‍♂️. I miss the random facetime calls because "Declan wanted to say hi" but most of all I miss that feeling of a family that feeling of completion. If I had one more night with you it would be spent on the couch with you laying in my arms and as your son burnt out all his energy jumping around the house and playing with his toys untill he wore him self out and fell asleep in ur arms well we watching riverdale or the 100. I miss his dresser that filled the empty corner under the window where u would keep his diapers and toys, I miss the arcade games, i miss finding random socks and bowling, I miss how he would light up because I brought him a new little fire truck toy all he could say was "happy happy happy" that melted my heart to watch him jump for joy with that big smile in circles just repeating him self "happy happy happy" I guess the biggest surprise to me was not falling in love with you but falling in love with you and your son. And the hardest part of it all is forgiving my self for makeing decisions that cost me that little family.

I sit here with so much to say but I cant say it to you so i write these run on Sentences with horrible grammar in Hope's that maybe you'll see it. But you won't and I cant blame u for cutting me out of you life so I'll just end this here with lyrics from a song

"I apologize

I seen the innocence leave your eyes

I still mourn this death and

I apologize for all the stillborns 'cause I wasn't present

Your body wouldn't accept it

And I apologize 'cause at your best you are love

And because I fall short of what I say I'm all about

Your eyes leave with the soul that your body once housed

And you stare blankly into space

Thinkin' of all the time, you wasted it on all this basic shit

So I apologize"

[one-super-sad-guy]

How do I forget you

When the scares on my wrist remind me of you.

[one-super-sad-guy]

They say all my pain was self infringed

But honestly I had help from "friends"

It start out rare a couple hits hear and there

Chasing a high ironically it was winter time

Maybe that's why I slipped because thoes rare days

Turned in to weekly heroin fits

Until God's guiding mercy saved me from a sinking ship

Now I pray I never lose that grip.

[one-super-sad-guy]

Maybe deep down I'm just scared I'll never get a chance at a family again you and your son were the closest thing to that iv ever had, and It was so magical it changed me I want a little family so bad now I thought that was you. I wish I would have taken him fishing haha these are the random thoughts that pop in to my head. I hope he remembers me I keep my "blue light" on and my door unlocked just incase you ever come back.

I wasn't ready to have a child in my life and I understand why u say I'll never see him again but honestly he changed me I want to be better so hopefully I can be ready when I have a child you and him taught me somuch💙🖤

[one-super-sad-guy]

I hate these cute little memories, like you telling your son " repeat after me, now I lay me down to sleep" or the blue lights that keep me up at night.

[one-super-sad-guy]

I regret all the times I lied to you

I regret all the times I blew you off

Like when you invited me to bbq's and what not

I was to busy wasting my time

Chasing a high

If only I would have opened my eyes took a second

And realized your love was a high that replaced

All my lonely times

Your smile a high that filled my void

I regret all the times I lied to you

[one-super-sad-guy]

Nov. 6th. 2019. 922pm

Tears fill my eyes I'm hopeing it's the last time

The last part of me let's the last part of you go.

[one-super-sad-guy]

Twin flame

I hate that are relationship ended that way

But they say that's the point of a twin flam

To shake you up and spark a change

Almost as if you have wondered astray

They leave you so broken You find a new way

That's why it's called the crisis stage

So find a path and make a way

As only destiny remains

What keeps my light is deep inside

Connections still remain.

[one-super-sad-guy]

Hurt people hurt people I understand it now

So I'm sorry I failed as a man and ran around running my mouth

Connection so real I still feel it how?

Your gone but your energie still lingers around

So in the pit of my stomach I can feel it

The dreams are back and more vivid

[one-super-sad-guy]

Everyday

I wake up

I miss you

my heart hurts

I try again to learn to live

Without

You.