[oneforcygni]

Someone who has faith usually believe that everything is gonna be alright...

Yes it is comforting to know that however difficult the condition are, things will get better...

It is good to have that kind of positivity...

But in reality, I don't think that everything will get better... some things will, but some things won't...

And it is scary to think that some bad things will keep happen... without any chance of becoming any better soon... by not having that positivity...

To know that it can be more screwed up than it already has..

However, I think that will somehow make me more cautious of what can happen.. and try to anticipate it..

Blind positivity won't change bad things from keep hapenning, neither drowned in fear will solve things...

Maybe balancing both will actually make a change in a better direction...

But well thats a maybe, I am trying to do so... and cannot prove it works yet...

[oneforcygni]

Whenever I remember something sad, i just feel really really tired

[drxgonfly]

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” - Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places Instagram / Prints

[oneforcygni]

I feel like I am losing my faith...

I really started to think that praying won’t solve the problems... at least not directly...

But I somehow feel bad to have the feeling of losing my faith...

It is a sign that I am actually still have faith??

The thought is just looping in that circle...

I think one of the biggest reason is...

I never want to blame the greater being for anything bad thats happening now in the world...

And yet there cannot be any good without something bad...

Is that mean that the bad things are part of the “plan”??

Meh... another loop...

[oneforcygni]

I saw you in my dream few days ago...

I think it was the time when I was upset... 

but in the version that we actually meet not in chat... 

I was angry (and to be honest sometimes I feel bad for having a good memory cause it just sticks....) 

but in that dream I saw you cried.. 

I can never stand seeing people I love cry.... 

Made me rethink that incident was just a fucked up situation and it is nobody’s fault... I really really hate that... 

And I hate the fact that I did that same thing before to someone I also love...

And I hate the fact that people to whom I did is the ones I really can share stories with...

And I hate the fact that I cannot really open up again the way it used to be...

The anger was necessary... but damn I lost something I don’t want to lose...

And sadly as long as I can remember it, it’s just cannot be really fixed... 

My own feelings stops me to share something deep with them...

[oneforcygni]

My feelings crashed landed after I saw a movie...

I can be so drawn into something, especially movies.. 

This night I saw a movie about mental health problems, and it was so devastating...

It makes me wonder about people I have and how I might feel if I lose them...

It makes me wonder that I keep a lot of things to myself, that no one don’t actually knows every layer of me...

It makes me wonder whether I have to share all of my problem to a certain someone or not...

It makes me wonder what should I do if at a time a need some serious help...

Because sharing something personal for me is just like a lottery...

Most of the time, it just slide with them not understanding the point of it...

It is hard for me to understand it too sometimes...

But for a few times, I just get what I need from certain people...

It may not solve everything, it may not the whole answer...

But it helps in a way... and that is a good start...

But back again, taking chance of the lottery is freaking frightening....

[batwan-deactivated20220318]

It’s strange. A lot of the time you don’t register the important moments as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back.

[oneforcygni]

I think the reason I am longing for someone to see me as my truly self is because it's difficult enough to understand myself on my own...

[oneforcygni]

I am in my semester break for about 2 months from now...

I never been in a break this long all by myself though...

At first I am really worried about what I should do...

Should I prepare for the next semester?? Should I gain some more experience somehow?? Am I wasting my time by doing basically nothing??

I go into a badminton class once a week during this break and thats all...

I feel it is wrong to waste this time...

But on the other hand, it is my time, not someone elses.. and I can actually spend sometime without actually having any pressure...  

Maybe that itself is something to cherish.. it’s just a moment to cool my head down, trying to not think about the future too much..

Taking a breath for a while... 

Financially speaking, it is cheaper to do nothing... it’s efficient (but maybe not effective??)

That all aside, maybe the challenge is to keep myself out of boredom.. I can live monotonously enough though... I spent days just watch something or play games...

But I just feel a bit uneasy if someone asked what I do this break and listen to what they do... people seems always have more activities...

I think what I need to learn is to know what I really enjoy to do in this long free time... and stop wondering what people think about it... as weird as it might be...

And yes, so far.. it is just stay at home.. do the exact same thing everyday.. without to think what happens the next day, what should I prepare for next week, or what are the plans for next month..

Because I can really tell that I did that more than enough for those things on my other days... 

And I write more crap because it can also fills the time hahahaha...

[oneforcygni]

I think I am getting to know better about how I interact with places and people in them...

I like to observe my surroundings and people behaviours first in that place...

This takes a while, until I can get comfortable enough to engage socially with others, especially if I know no one there and mostly it will go very well... Happened to my first days at schools and unis, so I am really sure now how to get through this..

I definitely dislike loud and crowded places.. so I decline most of night invitation to a party, I like to socialize with people who invited me, but I prefer to spend my nights in a quiet place.. I tried to go outside my comfort zone, not really enjoying it.. Maybe it’s just not who I am..

Sometimes I wish I am not that kind of a stiff person in new places around a lot of new people, but it simply freaks me out.. I can blend if I was given more time... but sometimes you just meet people there one time and no more.. And it is hard to know someone that I will (most probably) never see again..

I enjoy being in a public transport though, like buses or trains or trams.. I don’t have to engage with people and somehow it is never that loud although sometimes crowded.. People are busy with themselves and I like to observe that (not in a creepy way trust me)...

There are a lot of emotion going on in these places. I can see someone looking out to see whats going on outside, a couple in love (or trouble), a loving mother/father/both with their child, a sad person trying to hide their thoughts, a book reader dive into other reality, someone lost listening their music, people worried about something, and a lot of other kinds... Sometimes I wonder which emotion will I see, if I see me there... 

This kind of interaction surely limits my chances to meet new people, so I think the best strategy, is to do the best for keeping the ones around me.. It is not plenty, but I guess that would be enough for one lifetime...

[oneforcygni]

But love isn't about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars. It's just dumb luck. And sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way

Otis Milburn from Sex Education

[oneforcygni]

I can tell you for sure I am not a religious person..

It's not that I don't believe the existence of a greater being, but I just cannot understand that there are so many beliefs, which teaches the same goodwill but at the same time not really accept the existance of others in an equal way..

Yes I do still follow some of the rules, I don't eat or drink something I shouldn't and I don't really want to break that thing..

But I don't pray that often too..

To be honest it makes me confuse about my faith, I mean.. I do not enjoy praying, not because I am not grateful of what I have... but I think there are more concrete ways to be grateful and have real impact for others than praying..

It's like I am picky about the rules I want to follow and I don't, well I definetely am... I don't really know why..

While I am amaze with this great universe, I think this whole universe doesn't belong to one group of beliefs who claim to be the right one...

Most importantly...

Faith doesn't a guarantee to be a good person.. because a faithless one can also be good..

Some people are busy doing their faith's ritual but forget to be good people..

Some doesn't have any faith and become good people anyway..

In that case, what's the use of faith??

[mercurialmilk-deactivated]

quote from Michelle Thaller 

[oneforcygni]

I have a random thought lately about what people consider as something right...

I think, each time a human being is involved, the RIGHT thing to do is always a subjective preference of what they BELIEVE is right...

People may compare them to any reference, call it the theory in science or even scripture in religion, but when they compare it... 

They will somehow make an interpretation to understand what is right based on that, in which they interpretation may or may not alter the real meaning of the reference...

In the end, they BELIEVE their interpretation is right, then are doing what is RIGHT according to their mind... 

And I think this is the reason that there are a lot of unsolvable conflicts, because simply everyone BELIEVE what they are doing is right but in a different way...

In this case, the real RIGHT do not matter, what people BELIEVE are...

Then the question pops out, how do we BELIEVE that the RIGHT thing to do is an absolute RIGHT?

I think there is no such as absolute RIGHT when human mind comes in.. 

Yes, we should refer to any reference there is, which is relevant to the problem...

Since there is no absolute RIGHT, keeping an open mind that the interpretation of RIGHT can change with time...

To be honest, this idea could cause more doubt and confusion than solution... 

But I BELIEVE that this is something worthy to think about...

[oneforcygni]

It's just a day since I made my last post...

This morning I awake from a weirdly dream...

There is a projection of someone I knew in the past..

The dream itself seems like memories, I feel very connected to the surroundings... it's not real memories though, just some resemblance..

We never really close, simply put we are strangers now because well we met in a short period of time...

In my dream we had a deep conversation about the things I mentioned in the last post...

I think that projection implied that what holds in the questions is rather will be answered in the future... and we should do what we can now... like it tells me to stop worrying...

I felt really comforted... I really did...

I feel like I have to get in touch with the projection in real life... it is going to be weirder... hahahaha

But anyways... in this case...

Can I say that I am actually comforted myself with a projection of someone else??

[oneforcygni]

Thinking about my childhood always gets me the tears...

I am different of course on so many things...

But somehow I find my little self has never really change...

Nowdays, I found out that I cry more often than lets say few years back...

Not because I sad, but I just feel like it and kind of enjoy it when I think about myself and my past...

I did cry a lot when I was little... I think I always afraid of losing my attachments...

When my parents went somewhere for a while, when I had to leave a place, when I had to leave a toy, even when my parents sold their things.. I felt really losing them all...

Now I rather pick my "attachment" more carefully though, but I guess it made me hardly ever lose things I deeply care about...

Maybe its nothing, but I can still feel the sad feeling of my past... but that is not the reason why I cry a lot now..

To be honest I am not really sure why... because the tears just come...

Its funny because I always asked a lot about my surroundings long time ago...

But now, my biggest questions are about myself... what make me truly sad and truly happy...

I think it maybe hidden in my past somehow.. during my childhood perhaps when I still know nothing about the world...

But it is possible that it will be answered later on...

Either way, I am constantly looking for answers...

[oneforcygni]

I never knew learning about myself could be pretty difficult...

This is my first time being away from my family and alone, it has been 3 months...

Don't take me wrong, I really really enjoy it without any complains...

But this alone time make me think.. a lot... about all kinds of stuff...

These few days, relationships thought always come to mind...

I do have great friends and I know them for years...

And I think I learnt, for me, I need a loong time to have a connection with them...

And thats also the case to find someone in romantic term... I think a lot about the last one I fell for..

When I do/say something, I always BELIEVE that I am RIGHT... and I think most people can get convinced.. although it is WRONG...

Yet this one has a natural way to tell me that it is wrong and make me reconsider...

Most people can say I'm wrong but usually my stubborness will ignore them, but somehow not for this one...

I think that is the best trait of someone I met till now...

To tell me my WRONGs and make me LISTEN...

Because in that way, I learn more things than being "fictionally" right...

I knew early on we never meant to be in a relationship, but I don't think it matters because I have so many things that I learnt from this one..

I do hope to meet people with this kind of trait... or any amazing traits that I never encounter yet fascinating...

And again I know it will take time to find out these traits out of new people... and I am being impatient... and maybe enjoying too much time alone so I meet less people that I should have...

I never also knew that being alone could be this enjoyful... hahahaha...

Damn it's long..