A Constant Conundrum

Midnight thoughts about life, friends, him, my life. Why? Because I can’t find the courage to say it outloud.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Three months.

It only took three months for my home to feel like a soulless place.

It no longer feels like a safe place.

Im faced with judgement, negativity, side eyes and I’m just existing, working so hard for the next opportunity.

Three months

Three months that every inch of my body and mind has screamed to get out.

I’ve tried so hard to not look at this house as a sinking hole.

But that part of me that hold the good memories started to crumble, and me with it.

It took three months.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

It hurts that I lost you.

You were my best friend.

And all I have now is silence

A silence that has felt like an abysm

Cold. Dark. Endless

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Not sure how to feel or even think. Everything felt like it was paused. Once I came back everything came back to a speed I can not catch up.

So many things, decisions and feelings I can not for the life of me figure out. I dont want to drown in my thoughts.

There are good days and bad ones, ones where Im at the surface, taking in the sun, some where Im in the boat at top speed and then...I am starting to sink in.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Feliz por ti y todo lo bello que te ha dado la vida.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Sometimes I still mourn the loss of our friendship. How we used to laugh, go out, go out for pizza, talk…

I never thought we would become strangers.

I wonder…do you care?

Do you miss it?

Or has it been so long?

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Perhaps one day I won’t feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts, grasping for air.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

And suddenly reality starts to creep back in. And this bubble starts to feel smaller and suffocating

[onemoresleeplessnight]

No longer know where my heart is and belongs.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Perhaps one day the world will stop spinning and I won’t feel that I’m constantly losing my balance.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

I just want one a day off and cry, that’s it.

That’s what I need.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Cheers to all the unsent and unread messages.

Hope you’re having a wonderful time

[onemoresleeplessnight]

You’re becoming my a new enigma

A whole lot of questions

A whole lot of feelings

A lot to think about

[onemoresleeplessnight]

I think it’s a little funny how the world can be so small, and yet it’s big enough for us.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Finally an answer.

I’m at peace.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Do you ever speak out loud to your ghosts?

[onemoresleeplessnight]

For a long time I’ve kept this feeling drowned deep down in my heart.

I’ve always felt conflicted about it.

I come from divorced parents.

I have no memory of them being together, as far as Im concerned they’ve always been apart.

I’d also say that I’m not from a broken home. My mom made sure that our family was always together, happy and loved.

And that family has always been my mother side and our cats.

But on the other side

My dad?

He’s this omnipresent essence that you know it’s there but it’s never close enough to reach out to

I don’t know if I knowingly, or not, ignored this feeling of angry courage of me trying so hard to have a father- daughter relationship and always getting nothing.

I resent it

I resent him

Im not looking for his approval.

I know my worth and how hard I’ve been working to succeed.

But every time I have good news to share it feels like he wants to cut off my dreams and all this progress and I’m left with sadness but mostly anger.

I want to shout outloud FUCK YOU

Fuck you for leaving

Fuck you for not being present

Fuck you for not believing in me

JUST FUCK OFF

Im done.

I didn’t need anything from you before and I certainly do not need your crap and negativity now.

So, fuck off.

[onemoresleeplessnight]

Hi!

It’s me, it’s so good to meet you again. To find myself and reunite with the things that make me who I am.

Yes, the last three years have been wonderful. Got the opportunity to go to college and graduate. Have a wonderful relationship.

But I’ve missed this part of me. The explorer. The wonderer.

It’s been a while.

I had no idea how much I missed this. The joy for adventure and friends.

The love for going out on sunny days and explore a new city or just wonder around in a museum.

Coffee and books

Lunch by the sea.

It’s good to be back, to feel this warm light of joy and happiness.

To feel excited for new projects and the unknown.

From now on I promise to never let my light get dimmed.