only painted smiles.

I'm not negative, I'm realistic.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

what I don’t understand is how we had such a good night out together. And then again the next night with my friends. And now suddenly everything stopped. Did it feel too real? Are you that afraid of hurting me?

[onlypaintedsmiles]

fuckfuckfuck. I think that’s it. She’s going to wake up today and back the fuck out.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

update. she did not 🩷

[onlypaintedsmiles]

fuckfuckfuck. I think that’s it. She’s going to wake up today and back the fuck out.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

lovvvveeee living in this constant state of does-she-have-feelings-for-me-or-am-I-a-backup

[onlypaintedsmiles]

she’s driving me crazy. and her falling asleep in my arms while holding my hand up to her face is going to stay in my mind for quite a while

[onlypaintedsmiles]

really working on bettering myself and becoming a stronger and healthier version of myself by summer. I can’t wait. It’ll be worth it.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

I need answers. having this many questions in my head ~will drive me to insanity. but if I push too early, I might ruin everything before it really truly starts.

[silent-insanities]

Am I wasting my time?

[onlypaintedsmiles]

the way I want to kiss her SO bad. but it’s just not my year. Maybe next….

[onlypaintedsmiles]

I am queen of getting my hopes up when I’m actually not important in anyone’s life. fuck. here I thought things were different and better. but I mean nothing to everyone and I always will.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

my “hunches” tend to always be right.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

the thing is. I’ll never mean enough to people the way they mean to me.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

the thing about me is I WILL make up scenarios or plans in my head and when they don’t happen or the tiny part of my brain clicks about how delusional I am I WILL sob uncontrollably. god I wish I wasn’t so emotional.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

and so it marks the year anniversary of what started the crash out of a century. glad I’m not who I used to be anymore. proud of everything I accomplished and the growth that has happened since then. glad I have love and life to focus on now. I didn’t think I could ever be happy again. and I can’t begin to explain the feeling I have now. I know there is so much more to learn and figure out. but I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

and here I go, falling into the same bad patterns.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

fuuuuck her. She knows there’s something. Just make a move already.

[onlypaintedsmiles]

love wasting a good outfit and hair day because I thought she would be here tonight. at least I know I’ll see her Thursday and Saturday. I was being greedy.