There's a light defeating my darkness. @avril-vivante - Tumblr Blog

It’s funny how we live this life as if each moment will last forever or as if each victory will be the one that finally mirrors the man or woman we’ve always wished we’d become. It’s funny right? We go after each opportunity, each conversation, each relationship, PRAYING the result is one where we sigh a sigh of relief from this life. We pray fro the moment when things make sense, when all the…

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Fear, Obedience, and Doing Things Scared.

Sundays nights are my writing nights. Not to write in a journal, not to write for a blog post, not to write ‘just to write’. It’s something that has progressed naturally over the last year as I decided to start writing for real – the kind where you throw your heart on paper (or the world wide web) and pray that it impacts at least one soul. I never planned when to start writing or what days to…

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This is Home.

Home used to be my body. Home used to be tearing my body to shreds to find an ounce of control over my ever-screaming emotions. Home used to be running until my legs buckled. Home used to be denying myself any sort of real-love. Home used to be followed by ‘I’m sorry I’m here —– I’m sorry I’m —–– Sorry.’ It looked like finding worth in men. It looked like shrinking my flesh to control feeling…

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Heart Responsibility: living whole, lacking nothing.

When we start getting filled with the right things, we start becoming fueled by our own life instead of seeking out instant gratification to satisfy our desperate hearts. We are all desperate. We were made that way. We were created to crave intimacy, belonging, community, and authentic life-giving relationships. When we seek those attractive qualities (what our souls so desperately want) from a…

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#gif

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fyp-psychology

Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you ‘too much’ in some ways and ‘not enough’ in others.

Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength (via wordsnquotes)

He’s just not that into you. (the problem with pride)

He’s just not that into you. He loves you, he created you, He knows you, but he’s not into you becoming perfect. He’s not into you hitting certain marks to become the CEO, the world’s best barista, or the perfect wife. Pride is everywhere. It’s in your office, it’s in the streets, it’s on the news, it’s at the gym, it’s all over instagram, and it’s in the church. It looks like not speaking when…

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Speaking of Monday. I recently I learned of the term Growth vs. Fixed mindset (thank you Whole30 and Pinterest) and it resonated so deeply with how I used to view myself.

I recently I learned of the term Growth vs. Fixed mindset (thank you Whole30 and Pinterest) and it resonated so deeply with how I used to view myself. I used to make a lot of excuses. I used to be flaky. I wasn’t a woman of my word even when I desperately wanted to be. What I longed to be and the deep desires of my heart were not matching up with my reality. I used to make bold statements saying “I am _____ because ______. I’ll always be this way. I’m this way because of ______.” These declarative statements (Fixed Mindset) left me in a bubble of thinking that the way I felt was the truth of the situations I was in. Being led by my feelings led me to some very dark places. I was led by my own will to isolation and justification. When you are led by your feelings it is very easy to get entrapped by justifying everything in your life. You aren’t the thoughts spinning in your head. You aren’t the lies spewing out of your mouth. You aren’t the things you do behind closed doors. You aren’t the mental illness you’ve been struggling with for years on years. But, You are responsible. The Growth Mindset says “these are my circumstances and I don’t have to like them, but I do have the power to change them.” In this mindset, you can see the possibilities ahead of you. You have blinders to the road blocks trying to stop you. You are the only one accountable for managing the spaces of your soul. I know that really sucks because it’s a lot more comfortable to live in the safety net of justification. It’s honestly a pretty safe feeling when you get to live in self-pity, distress, and self-criticism, but you weren’t made to live in the confines of “safe.” YOU (only you) have the capacity to change what you allow yourself to believe. Trade those lies for truths. Start speaking this instead: “______ may have happened to me, but I am capable of living my life to the fullest instead of being dictated by my circumstances. ______ was spoken over me and it made me feel inadequate, but I am far more powerful than the diagnoses and labels given to me. I was ______, but today I choose to be passionate, joy-filled, assertive, sweet, free, and whole. I think we need to start taking back our God-given authority to speak. I think we need to start fighting back against the things that are unseen, so they stop dictating the way we see our lives. Your spirit resonates with Truth. Your spirit has the power to combat the deep-rooted lies. Your spirit is not a victim. Your spirit is loud, full of life, and ready for you to breathe hope back into it. Speak. #tradeyournormal XO April

We can do hard things [even when it hurts].

2017 didn’t start the way I envisioned. I didn’t order my planner 5 weeks ahead of January 1st. I didn’t organize my home and minimize like I intended. I didn’t write cards to the people I love like I wanted. The first week of January hit me like a ton of bricks. I took the gut-wrenching pain as the greatest complement because man oh man, if this had been another year, I think I would have…

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I don’t think a phrase could describe this semester more. It feels weird saying “semester”, but yes…i’m back at it. I successfully finished my first semester back in undergrad. It’s almost 2017 and i should have my Master’s Degree by now, but ya know what? A wise doctor once told me “stop should-ing on yourself and start living.” So good-bye to the should-haves, could-haves, and its too late to go back haves. I honestly believe that I’m where I am supposed to be in this little life I’ve been given. I believe that I’ve only gotten through the last ten years of my life because I had a light inside me that was bigger than the darkness that tried to take me. So how did I get here? How did I just complete a semester of school, when mental illness took me out of the game six years ago? How did I get here with full belly laughs, thighs that I love, and friends who i’d die for? I picked up a sword called hope. I didn’t just get to pick it up though, I had to find it first. Since I fundamentally “knew” a lot…I fundamentally knew that no one told me where to find it. “It’s yours April, this life, this calling, this love. It’s all yours.” They don’t want you to know that it’s in you. That the answer is inside of you. What you’ve been praying for is in you. What you’ve been waiting for is in you. So chin up, keep on stepping, and sleigh today.

Fa La La La Why?

I recently watched a video of myself singing a solo in the church I grew up in (thank you Facebook Memories!). It was a pretty standard song talking about the wisemen, pregnant Mary, and a sweet baby changing history. The last phrase of the song wrote “Christmas lives in me”. Yay for cheesy Christmas songs? As I was watching my self sing this song I couldn’t help but wonder WHY I didn’t get it. I…

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Get off the busy train.

Give yourself the grace you give your friends.

Be okay with not being okay all the time.

You are deeply loved and it has nothing to do with the way you run your life, how badly you screw up relationships, how you express love, or what you do for a living.

Embrace the messy parts of you. Don't let them define you.

The king or peace can do all the defining for you.

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

Creative minds are rarely tidy #hotmess

I was walking around Anthropologie a few weeks ago and picked up the cutest candle that read “Creative minds are rarely tidy” and proceeded to snap a photo and text it to my similar way of being friend. I instantly felt “yas anthro, you understand the deep spaces of my heart!” But soon it sat in that this candle was in the sale section for a reason — who shopping in Anthropologie would own up to…

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 I was walking around Anthropologie a few weeks ago and picked up the cutest candle that read “Creative minds are rarely tidy” and proceeded to snap a photo and text it to my similar way of being friend.  I instantly felt “yas anthro, you understand the deep spaces of my heart!” But soon it sat in that this candle was in the sale section for a reason — who shopping in Anthropologie would own up to being a #hotmess while in this perfectly polished store? My thought process looked a lot like “well I obviously can’t purchase this dumb candle because then I’m validating the creative cluttered side of my personality” and “wait, everything is perfect right?” Oh denial.

I was recently visiting a friend’s house who I completely love. She is a shining light for Jesus, a fashion queen, and looks like she is killing the #adulting game. And she is. But she also has a #hotmess room that I went in to find her full length mirror and guess what?! I didn’t fall drop dead on the floor because her floor became her closet for a week. I didn’t pass out because things weren’t in their rightful place. I actually felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in awhile as I played the game of “keeping up with the ‘twenty something mini Joneses’ who are killing it in their home, friend, work, school, family life. I felt less alone knowing that I’m not the ONLY one just trying to keep up and change the world at the same time — if only those were the two things on my to-do list! I love Instagram, I do, but it really puts this pressure and facade on that we have to have this picture perfect life. We don’t, we shouldn’t. I just want to start hash tagging every pretty photo I post with #actuallyahotmessoverhere 🙋🏼

You see, I’m a hybrid. I have one of those creative-(almost) organized-perfectionistic-straight forward kind of brains. It feels like something is constantly waging war in me: two opposites in a tug of war game —dissatisfied April usually wins. In my eyes, creative and perfectionism have no place in the same sentence, but then I was born. That discontent, dissatisfied, place of un-rest I get myself into is when God is whispering “Sport, give yourself a break. You don’t have to be all things to an all-doing-knowing-being God.”  It’s usually ourselves that get in the way of truly knowing the peace God gives. We search for peace but we are using the wrong tools. We think peace comes after we’ve done everything on our end. We think peace comes after we’ve had a hard conversation. Peace is the pre curser and post cursor and the gaps in between. Peace is the rest we are searching for when we have 546272728 deadlines and when we have an empty day in our planners. Peace will guide you when you are in the depths of your feelings and can’t find your way out. Peace will find you when you say “I’m a #hotmess twenty-something and I’m 👌🏽 with my mess”. Can I encourage you today?  Get off the busy train.  Give yourself the grace you give your friends.  Be okay with not being okay all the time.  You are deeply loved and it has nothing to do with the way you run your life, how badly you screw up relationships, how you express love, or what you do for a living.  Embrace the messy parts of you. Don’t let them define you.  The king or peace can do all the defining for you.

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There's a light defeating my darkness.